A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I share 4 year twin girls and although he cheated on me and is now with the person he cheated on me with, we have a reasonable relationship.Recently he has started bringing his new girlfriend round to my house when he looks after them when I go to an evening course I'm doing as part of my job. I've asked him not to as it's insulting when they slept together in this house but also my girls keep saying that their dad doesn't really talk to him if she is there. When I leave, I hate asking why she is there because I feel like an idiot for causing a fuss infront of my girls who are excited to see their dad. They see him on every Sunday and every other Saturday so to see him in the week is a big deal. I'm scared that if I keep mentioning it, he will just say he won't come. He says it's her only night off so its not fair to leave her out. I know I sound like a mug, it's not like there isn't anyone to look after them but my girls asked for their dad when I started the course and he said yes, he'd love to do it. Its been 15 months since we broke up and he's been looking after the girls for the past 3-4 months. He only looks after them at mine because he currently lives with his parents and his mum hasn't been very well so we all agreed he could come to mine. I just feel like it's getting ridiculous. My girls feel like they don't get daddy time when she is there and it hurts me still he cheated on me but to bring her to our home like nothing happened. I just don't know what to do, if I ask my niece to babysit, he'll be upset because I'm taking time away and my girls will be upset. But they adore their cousin and she is brilliant with them and then I don't need to see my ex and the person he cheated on our family with every week. I don't know what's the best thing to do. My family and my friend's are obviously on my side but I don't want to be one of those parents who kick off if it can be resolved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2018): You are their mother, the only way you can approach this matter is doing what you know to be best for the girls.
When he brings his girlfriend, she makes it her business to keep him focused on her, and not the children. They are old enough to realize that, and report to you how they're being treated when she's there. I see the whole thing exactly as you do. 100%!!!
You have to pardon my bias, I tend to be extremely protective of women and children! I employ wisdom; and I do consider the circumstances, and use logic in every situation. Children always come first! They are completely innocent in our complicated adult-matters!
If the kids are not the center of attention when daddy comes calling; and he's dragging his girlfriend with him. It's not about the kids, it's about her! She's stealing precious face-time away from them purposely; and psychologically, that is hurtful to children. They're already traumatized by separation of the family. It's confusing to see he has already chosen another woman, and has abandoned his family.
In their simple and honest way of viewing this, it's going to be in the most obvious terms. He replaced mum with a different lady. It hurts you, so it hurts them too! He's too busy thinking with his penis to see that; or to care about the details. Rubbing your nose in it, and displaying his tart like a new toy!
Having sex in your house is deplorable and disgusting. There are children present! It is nowhere near the same as having their two parents in the home. His cavalier in-your-face attitude about bringing the woman he cheated with anywhere near you and his children, takes a lot of gall! I'd say that is despicable!!! The utmost disrespect towards you, and the girls!
I understand why you're being careful; but there is an element of gross disrespect here that must be addressed. It's your house, and you reign as queen in it! They're your beloved babies; and what they see, is your responsibility to filter.
Have your niece keep the girls. Put your foot down and insist he not bring that woman to your house. If he will choose her over seeing his girls; you will not be the cause of it. If it's in him to do that, my dear; he is going to do that, no matter what you say or do. His appearance should be alone, and as their father. His love-life and skanky tarts should be kept away from the children; until they're old enough to understand. If that woman becomes his fiance, then the rules slightly change. You still set the rules when or if she comes to your house. He's using subtle blackmail to manipulate the situation. That's what brought you to us for advice.
They need the minimum of at least a year, just to adjust to your breakup. Children are surprisingly resilient; but you have to be mindful of the things that happen beneath the surface, which is exactly what your post indicates you're doing.
This all affects children differently from adults. Your feelings are no less important! I understand how you, as a mother, would sacrifice her own feelings for the children to see their dad. Regardless, you have to take a stance for the sake of decency, the children, and your self-respect.
Let them stay with your parents or be sat by your niece. If dad truly wants to see the girls, come alone! You don't need to discuss this in-front of the children. It's grown-up stuff; which should be calmly and firmly discussed, one-on-one. He's pulling the "male-card" of muscle versus emotions. Pardon my language; but you have to cut his balls off, when he pulls that number on you or the children. He can have any old sleazy-greasy tart he wants; but you and your children deserve respect all the same.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 July 2018):
 I agree with YCBS, I would ask your niece to babysit instead.
IDGAF if this is his GF's only night off a week, that is NOT your problem. And there is no way she needs ACCESS to my house. The girls won't be missing much if your nieces takes over, especially if he is not interacting with them but just sitting in your house with his GF.
It is NOT your job to provide a place where your ex can hang out with his new GF.
While you can not control who he dates, you CAN control who gets to spend time with your kids at YOUR house.
This would be a total no-no for me.
He is being a selfish twat.
I wouldn't worry if HE gets upset about you asking your niece instead. You told him to NOT bring THAT woman into YOUR house and he ignored you.
I would just phrase it in a way where he can't whine about you being unfair. As in, it seems when you are over here watching them that you don't really have the time for the kids so I have asked (insert niece's name) to watch them on these nights instead.
If he DOES complain I'd suggest that there is really only one way he can watch them that day and that is COME along as you don't WANT his GF in your house. I can't BELIEVE how insensitive he is about this.
He isn't putting his kids first, so don't think you have to agree to whatever crap he is suggesting in the name of "getting along". He CERTAINLY isn't concerned about your feelings, why should you be concerned about HER or HIS?
Nope. No way.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 July 2018):
 If he is only there "in body, but not in spirit" when he has his girlfriend with him, there is probably more harm being done than good to your twins. It would probably be less harmful to them if he stayed away completely when his girlfriend has her night off than be with them but ignoring them.
You sound like you are doing your best to be mature and reasonable. He, on the other hand, is showing he has no empathy or respect for your feelings and, it would appear, little time for his daughters.
In your shoes I would ask your niece to come and babysit. The girls will soon get over not seeing their dad during the week and, as they will probably spend quality time with your niece, it will do them more good than having their father present but not interacting with them at all.
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A
female
reader, suzzzque269 +, writes (22 July 2018):
 if the father doesnt spend quality time with the girls because the girlfriend is around then by no means are you doing a bad thing by getting someone else to watch them. it would be different if the dad actually spent time doing stuff with the kids. it also sounds as if the niece might be a better fit in this case.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2018): Ask your niece to watch them.Be sure to tell him why.This is your house and the rule is she is not allowed inside of it. Since he lives with Mommy and Daddy he uses your house for alone time with that bimbo.Is this what you want your kids to learn is ok fine?Do you want them to grow up and be treated like you were because they think that this is normal?Stop this now!Stand up for you and your kids future.Be sure you get child support.Show them what a strong and proud woman really looks like so they do not repeat your mistakes.Do not be his doormat ever again.learn and grow.
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