| A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 year. Everything was great at the beginning, however, the past few months I've been feeling very turned off and disappointed by him. He had always claimed he's the good guy, until he was out with his friends in a party and got high with them, and he started texting me some dumb shit. The next day he told me he got high with his friends and i told him that he was texting me some stupid things, and i told him that if this happens again, it would be a problem. He didn't even believe that he texted me the things he said when he was high. Long story short, he did the dame thing TWICE, he would blame his friends, and it would blow my mind when he says that, i mean, he's an adult and he's responsible for his actions. We had a huge fight 1 month ago, because he started acting like he's the ladies man, and basically act like a jerk. He would say: i want to end things but then he would text me after afew days saying he miss me. I forgave him, until i thought about it carefully and i thought i deserve better than that. I confronted him for his irresponsibility and for his behavior, and i blocked him everywhere. 2 weeks went by, and i saw a message from and instagram he made just to send me a message (because i blocked him everywhere) and he begged me for a whole day to come back, i only gave him the opportunity to text from that account, and he was saying 'i dumped my friends for you so i won't be a jerk like them', when he did a video call, i basically felt no connection between us, and im kind of being harsh with my words towards him but tells me (As long as we are both talking even if you're distant, then I'm okay with that because i love you) , im just feeling 0 vines, i literally just don't enjoy his accompany, and i regret my decision that i forgave him, but im kind of embarrassed and afraid to tell him that i got over him too quickly. Right now, He's just initiating the conversations when we see each others, but i would tell him that i have to go because im busy (conversation wont last for 20 minutes), He's trying to fix things but i just don't feel he's the right guy anymore. Please tell me how could i fix things? I know it was a stupid decision to allow him to talk again, but i felt guilty, however, im over him now, and i feel more productive and calm without him. Please tell me what to do.
View related questions:
I love you, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (22 July 2018):
 Why fix things?
He acts like a child. He was a dickhead with you and then decides he is in love with you when you realise what an ass he is. He’s already done it twice and you said there wouldn’t be a second time. If you keep letting him back in then he will continue to walk all over you. Why would people stop their shitty behaviour if there’s no consequence?
He’s not the right person for you. End of story.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2018): Come on now, lets hold-tight! He played the old "I love you" card that lousy-boyfriends and crappy-husbands pull to weaken your resolve. "I love you" only has meaning when your actions back them up. You have to become immune to the words coming out of the mouth of an assh*le! He doesn't mean it like you do!
He gets high, and the the real jerk comes out. He has done it again and again. Don't blame his friends, blame him! You can't weaken under the words "I love you!" Abusive-men give their wives and girlfriends black-eyes and bruises; and say the same thing, when they want to come home. They don't see forgiveness as forgiveness; they see it as their power over your emotions, your weakness, and a way to manipulate you. It allows him to make a fool of you right to your face.
Underneath, when he sees the first sign you're weakening...he says to himself: "Yes! Gotcha!!!"
You have to learn to use power and control over your own emotions/feelings. Too often women assume a role of being too dainty and emotionally-weak. "He's stronger than me!" Maybe physically, not necessarily intellectually!!! Yes, intellect plays a big part here. Who's smarter, him or you?
Don't be a slave to cheap sweet-talk and man-tears. Those crocodile-tears are all a performance. How many times have you used tears to get your way? Be honest!
You have to protect your heart in more ways than being insecure and avoiding pain. You have to stand-up for yourself and have some backbone. He's the worst kind of boyfriend. He lets drugs and alcohol overrule his behavior and common-sense. He has blackouts and goes stupid. That means he's heading for the world of losers. He will lose his job, he will distance his family, and he will always crap on his girlfriends. These are the early-signs!
Look at it that way, and it will make it easier to not look at Instagram videos; and be played by man-tears, a snotty-nose, dribbling, and pathetic-pleading. Guess what? Deadly-criminals pull the same act in-front of a judge for mercy. It's a built-in tool in all of us; but not everyone has a manipulative-nature.
Go forward, and don't look back. Loneliness and missing him is part of the process of breaking-free of him. We miss those people we lose, and that which we have lost of value to us. The feelings are based on only the good-times. Real-love doesn't really die; but we have to overrule our emotions and feelings with common-sense. He's a boyfriend, not a husband. It doesn't require as much effort to make it work. Dating is a selective-process. Weeding-out the bad-apples until we get to the right-one! Stay the course!
That mindset is necessary to protect and preserve ourselves psychologically, emotionally, and physically. When we're damaged or traumatized, it will limit our success with the people we really deserve. They don't deserve someone messed-up by somebody else. All because of the stupidity that you held-on; instead of letting-go. Love doesn't have to be stupid or mindless, just real.
There really is no such thing as "unconditional-love." We stay together under the conditions that we are good to each other, love each other, trust each other, respect each other, and protect each other! We honor and value our love.
Then sometimes, we have to throwaway things that prove time and time again they are bad for us. That includes shitty boyfriends!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 July 2018):
 I agree, you know what to do.
Just DUMP him and cut all contact. BLOCK and delete his number. If he texts or calls from other people's phones - block and delete those too.
Him "dumping" his friends for you was HIS choice, you didn't "make" him. Just like getting high was HIS choice. Texting you stupid stuff was his choice, acting like a jerk was his choice, dumping you and them regretting it was his choice, etc. etc.
I think you have come to the end if the line for this relationship. He is pretty immature and you don't respect or trust him which lead you to no longer care for him on the same level and you no longer feel you want him as a part of your life.
JUST end it. Tell, him:" XJoeX, I have don't think you are an are working out at all, I feel more productive and calm without you, and I feel we have outgrown each other. I don't want to "try" again and I want to go NO contact, I wish you well, but this just isn't working out."
Don't string him along. End it now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 July 2018):
 Come on, you KNOW what to do. You KNOW there is no future with this guy. You KNOW he has blown it by his behaviour. You KNOW you no longer want to be in this relationship.
So you made a mistake by taking him back because you felt sorry for him. That does not mean you have to spend any more time living that mistake.
Tell him, face to face because you are both adults, that you should never have agreed to giving the relationship another go because you now realize it is not going to work for you. Finish it quickly, cleanly but kindly. Then do NOT have any contact with him, regardless of how much he begs or how he tries to contact you. You KNOW there is no future here. Now act like the adult you are - because you also know you deserve better - and make a clean break.
...............................
|
