A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what is right or wrong anymore about love. My exbf was a monster. He ripped my heart out and taunted and did vicious things to me for entire year after he dumped me. I went all the way down hill and hibernated but he still found ways to try to hurt me. I could never understand why he wouldn't just move on and judt leave me alone since he was the one who dumped me and I was the one that hurt from it but just had to hide away to make it through the depression. I used to wish we could get back toghether because I loved him no matter what. Two days ago he came to my house and he wants to try again. He was crying and apologizing and showed me proof that he was getting counseling for 5 wks to change. He's still going to go. He seems like he's changed. He does all the things I wanted him to do but never did before. He's like what I always wanted him to be. I am sad because I'm not feeling about him the way I used to or I'm not excited or impressed like I should be. I don't even feel a interest or anything and that makes me sad. The only thing I feel for him when I look at him even when he treats me like a goddess is emptiness and hate. I feel more upset about this then when I cried because he broke my heart then tormented me when he dumped me. I hate him but I want to love him. He was my first everything. Can someone give me advice on how I can love him again? I hate him with a greater passion then I loved him and I loved him so much I loved his dirty underwear. He was my everything. I caught his farts. He ripped my heart out. I hate him. I hate him but I want to love him again. Nothing at all about him makes me respond. Not even his presence. I hate him. Please tell he how to even give him a sincere hi. I have to start forgiving his ugly existence somewhere. I really hate him. It's hard for me to accept he's even a human and not just feces taking up space on earth. I have to love him again somehow since he's the man I've always wanted him to be. He's changed and I have also. I want to go back in time. How can this be fixed?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): I know exactly how you feel. The table has turned. He does absolutely nothing for me anymore and he is a real attentive gentleman now. He did irreversible damage by to the exact same thing to me that your dude did to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): This is the reason why relationships dont last people do not value or want to try again due to so many people answering with the same negative answer instead of being supportive with positive answers
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010): it's permanently finished.you hate him to his core.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010): I see everyone is telling you not to go back to him, but you want to figure out ways to love him, so i will try and help you on that.
the only way right now is to honestly listen, automatically you will not want to 'want to love' its a natural feeling to go through what he did, and your resentment is understood and justified. everyone has had their heart ripped out, but the fact that you have enough power to type it all out and I wont lie, a part of your story gave me a smile because i went and am going through something similar, its just now he wants to be my friend. things and life hurts.
with regards for u wanting to fall in love again, u will see when he gives you a ring and wants to make it offficial that you will love. trust me.
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A
female
reader, alexia846  +, writes (25 December 2010):
Please do not I am in the same EXACT SITUATION.. it takes a stronger person to leave, and he will break your heart over and over..we deserve someone better..
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010): Touch the hot stove once. Time for movin' on.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (25 December 2010):
 You can't change the past. What's done is done. Whatever will be will be.
The only thing you can do is move on. I used to believe in 2nd chances. I had someone do the exact same thing to me. She dumped me and didn't even do it to my face. Just an email with no explanation. 1 sentence. That was it.
Then, she shadowed me everywhere. No kidding. Three months later she showed up out of the blue. I took her back, I accepted everything she told me. I wanted to trust her again, and I did.
She dumped me again. With an email. Then she did the same thing, shadow me. She watched me suffer from a distance. She would send emails to me with all sorts of weird stuff in them. She tormented me.
The bottom line is, how can I ever take someone back who could do that to me in the first place? She made a fool out of me once, and I made a fool of myself for trusting her the 2nd time.
My advice to you, is that its nice that your ex boyfriend has suddenly discovered what a shit he was to you. But the pain he inflicted on you seems to be too great to overcome no matter what he does.
Sometimes people just don't know what they want, or what they have. And they hurt us so badly that we cannot fix it anymore.
Even though he's going through all sorts of gestures to prove to you he wants to be better, he should've been doing these things before he ripped your heart out. He should've wanted to be a better man for you before he hurt you.
Your skepticism is healthy because you know deep-down what he's capable of doing, even though he promises he will never do it again; you know he can if he wants to. So you can't trust him 100 percent. And that's why you hate him.
You hate the act that he's putting on now.
My advice to you is to just move on, let him go; tell him its nice he's done so much to improve himself as a person, but that you can't get over the pain he inflicted on you.
You can forgive, but when someone hurts you so badly that you've been thrown into this kind of a deep depression, then its time to tell them you can't forget. And that will forever taint your view of your ex-boyfriend. He did this to you and himself.
So forgive him, but tell him to stay out of your life from now on.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 December 2010):
 First do no harm is what the doctors all swear to(maybe) so save yourself!
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (25 December 2010):
 everyone has given you good advice. I agree..don't get back with him, ever. Regardless of what he becomes or his path to get there, the two of you will never mix. As one poster said, the combination of the two of you is toxic.
You've come a long way with your feelings for him but I fear with so much hate there is an underlying love you still harbor for him. I do not think you have completely gotten over what he has done to you. If the two of you got together again your resentment and hurt would come out in some aspect of your relationship. What ever relationship you would have would be doomed.
Forgive and move on. Think of him like a car: You have invested so much money and insurance in fixing this car only to have it break down on the freeway leaving you stranded. Now you are given the opportunity to trade the unreliable car in for a new car with a better warranty and some well earned roadside assistance. Don't take that old car out of the junkyard and expect it to take you where you need to go!
Merry Christmas and best wishes for a wonderful new year.
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A
male
reader, ljhenhmla +, writes (25 December 2010):
i had a similar situation in which my ex wife left me for another man i was heart broken and wanted her back after a while she came back. although i still loved her it was not the same i knew that the trust was gone and it would never be the same. we are no longer together. when someone hurts you. you really have to see why if they did it before they more than likely will do it again. Forgive him and let him go. you are too good for him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 December 2010):
What everyone else says is correct. 5 weeks doesn't change anything. He is an DREADFUL man, so stay away from him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010): He hasn't changed at all, no offence OP but you're sucker if you think he has, 5 weeks to completely change your personality? A personality developed over the course of his lifetime? Not a chance, OP it's a ruse. It's a ploy, just another game to get you back. You're hatred of him is a defence mechanism it's your mind telling you not to even go near him again because he will always be bad news.
OP do you really think he can change if he has you in his life again, do you really think having you, his enabler in his life again will actually work, you do realize this "change" will only be temporary, you will go back to old habits and old abuse after a little while.
A heroin addict doesn't get over their addiction by going back to hanging out with their junkie buddies, what makes you think he can go back to you and not fall back into the same routine again?
"I have to love him again somehow since he's the man I've always wanted him to be." No he's not and your heart knows that, trust your instincts.
Really OP, 5 weeks? You seriously can't be falling for that one, you seriously can't be telling us that in 5 weeks he's completely changed. You seriously can't be telling us that he can actually keep changing all the while still with you.
The first piece of advice he was given was to stay away from you, you are his enabler, you didn't make him like that but you set him off. He can't change and get better if he has you in his life.
If you really want to love him, if you really care for this guy then you'll stop being his heroin, you'll stop being his enabler. You'll stay away from him and let him get on with his life and maybe in the distant future you may have forgiven him but now is not the time. You can't force yourself to love someone and you can't change your personality in 5 weeks.
Don't be a fool OP you know this guy is bad news and for you he will always be bad news, this therapy might make him a good partner for someone else in the future but you and he will never be able to make it work. You know this deep down, you truly do.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (25 December 2010):
 Followtheblackrabbit has it right. Do not go back to this man. Even if he has completely changed your history is just to much to overcome. He needs a fresh start and you do not need to have to relive everything everytime you look at him.
If there is no love left there, dont try to force it to happen because you feel like you should.
You need to break all contact with him. Tell him that you forgive him, and say goodbye. Do not continue to let him come in and out of your life. That is just another form of manipulation.
Do not respond to his texts or emails. Just dont go there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010): Thanks followtheblackrabbit.I was thinking what you said already but just needed reinforcement.He said he's bringing me xmas gift today but I don't want nothing at all from him.I don't even want to see his ugly face that I use to see as the handomest of all and the twinkle that he has in his eyes when he smiles and talks to me only makes me think about just blirting out how nothing about him give me a rise anymore except for him just finding another girl that can stomach him.I'm not going to answer the door when he comes by today.He's dead to me.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (25 December 2010):
 You can't. After so much hurt, there'd have to be something wrong with you NOT to feel any resentment. It's great that he's sorry and getting counseling but you don't owe him anything. Why force yourself? You're a different woman now. I understand your feelings, most of us will always feel that unbelievable, powerful pull to the ones we first love. You always remember them. Forgiving him is fine, do that for yourself. Once you forgive someone, you basically let go of the power they have on you (the ability to affect how you feel). But hon, he ripped your heart out, and is trying to put it back together with tape. 5weeks of counseling doesn't "change" a person enough. There are relapses in every recovery. You're his goddess now but how long will that treatment last? Ask yourself, can you really forget what he has done and love him again? Can you ever look at him without thinking of what he has done to you in the past? Personally, I think this is over. Move on, don't step back.
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (25 December 2010):
Don't get back to him, you will only be setting yourself up for more heartache
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