A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I split up with my boyfriend about a month ago, we've not been in contact much since then, but he's gotten angry with me about a photo he found on Instagram.The photo in question is me with a Snapchat filter, the one with the bear ears and nose and because I was in a towel you could see my shoulders. There is no cleavage at all, it just stops above my chest so it kinda looks like I'm naked.The photo was posted when we were together, I don't see anything wrong with it, I just liked it because I thought my face looked nice. Even though there was a filter, so it doesn't really look like me!So I'm curious if this kind of photo is inappropriate? It's just my shoulders but the fact that I may look naked is getting him annoyed. I'm 35 years old and he's in his 40s so I also think this is really childish. I've blocked him now, I can't be bothered to argue, but what do you think about that kind of photo?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2020): I really feel like I need to make things clear on this, I wish I could post the photo in order for you to see what it looked like. I wasn't wet, my hair was completely dry, I'd even put makeup on because I was just about to get dressed. Nobody could tell I had just a towel on because it didn't look like I had just gotten out of the bath. I have 788 photos on Instagram, I've been on there for years. Most of them are places I've been, my family, days out, that kind of thing. I have a handful of selfies on there. I objected to somebody saying that I had posted my cleavage and it was for his attention and the responses I've just gotten make me sound like I'm a tacky aging showing off. That's really not what I am at all. I think people need to lighten up in all seriousness. I don't want to get in to an argument but you are jumping to conclusions about what exactly this photo looked like.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 February 2020):
 Aw come on, OP. Playing dumb a tiny little bit, aren't we ?...I feel pretty sure that you got what we mean, and you got that it's not about the shoulders per se - otherwise you'd have no doubts, would have thought your ex is batshit crazy, … and would not have asked anybody's opinion.
- It's that context that counts. Different contexts send different messages, and that's what make the same shoulders more acceptable or less. If you were at a formal event in a strapless or backless ball gown, no problem; hey there are even pics of Grace Kelly in beautiful strapless dresses, and nobody objected. If you are at the beach, or at the pool, wearing a strapless bikini top, your pics will show your shoulders and much more , and nobody will bat a lid. You are in your own bathroom, fresh out of your bathtub, - you wrap some towel around you and… you have this urge for all the world to know that you just bathed ?? Why ?? ( unless of course you are a paid testimonial of soaps and shower gels ?...) It's not that the bare shoulders are scandalous, it's
just that the very idea is tacky in general. More so, after 30. It's like … duck faces. It's not that your lips are forbidden, it's just that this is the type of attention- seeking behaviour that feels less and less appropriate and less and less palatable the farther you are from your teenage years. It's not bare shoulders which are a no no after 30; it's acting Kardashianish.
- YOU said that it kinda looks like you are naked. You did not say it kinda looks like you could be wearing a sundress. If you know that it's gonna look , at least in the eyes of a certain number of people, like you could be naked, - although no boobs or navel etc. are being shown---- and you post it nonetheless, jeez, what's more attention seeking than this ? That's the definition of attention seeking !. Now, you may object that there's nothing wrong in seeking attention, it's neither illegal nor immoral, it's sort of an innocuous hobby, and that if you want you are free to wear a gigantic fluorescent sign with " Please look at me look at me look at me ! "on - and that's true; it would be hard to refute it. But, that you get mad if your bf , or other people , as for that , calls a spade a spade….
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2020): What I should have really wrote is that he thinks I kinda look naked, I don't think I kinda look naked. All I notice about the photo is my face.
I do understand your point Honeypie, my response was directed more at WiseOwl because he was under the impression that I posted it after we split up for his attention and that you could see my cleavage, that's not what's happened.
Ive been working for charities for years now, I don't really have to worry about what employers can see and what not because everybody is so laid back.
I think maybe I should start leaving the selfies and filters to the kids though :) thanks for your input everybody.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 February 2020):
 I don't think bare shoulders are "scandalous" or a no no for women OVER 30...
I just think people need to consider what kind of pictures they post, NOT for the sake of what some EX might think but how they present themselves to the world. Many employers these days ACTUALLY use people's social media when looking at candidates for jobs. They might not have the time to troll (I mean scroll) through a ton of pictures but what you put out there, IS out there "forever". A teenager or early 20's might not consider this at all, but I'd think someone in her 30's would.
Does that mean you can show a bare shoulder or two online? Of course not. I just said, PERSONALLY (that would be ME ) wouldn't do it, not because it's "not appropriate, but what's the point? Hoping for "likes" or comments? Because if it was just a picture you thought were CUTE of yourself, why not hang it on your fridge, put it on your desk, whatnot. FOR you to enjoy. Again, I'd SAY the same to a teenager or someone in their 20's.
And like I said, I could CARE less what GROWN women chose to post. Your social media, knock yourself out.
You were the one who wrote:
"There is no cleavage at all, it just stops above my chest so it kinda looks like I'm naked"
KINDA looks like I'm naked.
Not, kinda look like I have on a strapless or bare shoulder.
You don't need to feel you have to JUSTIFY that photo to anyone (certainly not us anonymous people on DC) but that doesn't mean WE have to change how WE feel either.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (19 February 2020):
 Do you like the photo? Yes you do. Are you still dating this guy? No you aren't. All that matters is that YOU like YOUR photo. Keep the photo and block your ex. I honestly don't think that shoulders are scandalous.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2020): I don't think you've really read what I said properly wise owl, I said you can't see my cleavage, it's almost as if I had a strapless dress on or something. I know people know who I am on the photo, it's not vastly different to what my face looks like.
The photo was posted when we were actually together, months ago, it's not something I've posted after we split up to get his attention.
I guess from some of the responses on here bare shoulders are a no no when you're over 30.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2020): If I'm getting this right, your boyfriend got angry about a picture he found on Instagram "after" you broke-up???
Why does he still have access to your social media accounts? Exactly who does he think he is to be admonishing you about what you do?
It was a rather silly thing to do for a woman your age. If it looked as if you weren't wearing anything; it was still YOU, and it was seen on YOUR account. The filter makes no difference when everyone or anyone knows your true identity with access to your account.
You forgot to block him from access to your phone and social media; so he got a chance to attack you and upset you. That's why no-contact is necessary; so you won't find yourself second-guessing the decision to breakup; or receiving threats and angry messages or calls from your ex.
Attempting to remain friends, or holding-out for a reconciliation after you split, is emotionally immature. Lingering in a state of denial and leaving an ex open-access only gives them power over your emotions; and a means to attack you psychologically. Friendship can only occur if you parted amicably. It's less likely in cases of an angry-split, or done to escape abuse. You have to go against your urge to "cling" in desperation. It's almost as if you knew it would get him going.
What you did was kid's stuff, and not something a dignified grown-woman would do. In your boyfriend's eyes he probably thought you were naked, and flaunting yourself; and he took it personally as if you're out to embarrass him. Good thing you broke-up with that guy, he's a nutcase!
He took it as mockery, and a way to rouse him before his buddies.
This whole incident will ease-off your mind in a few weeks; if you continue to remain no-contact. Try to maintain your dignity and self-respect; don't attempt to titillate teenage-style on Instagram. You're a single-lady now, and you want to be taken seriously and present a classy, mature, and confident representation of yourself. You can have fun and be silly, just in a way an adult would do it.
Suggestive-pictures may not be the way to go. You know you weren't naked; but all his buddies and your relatives don't! It wasn't the bare shoulders per se, it was the cleavage that suggested "look at me, I'm a naughty-girl, and I'm not wearing nothing!" It's ridiculous, but a small mind will take it places you did not intend it to go. Get it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2020): I know it shouldn't matter if he's angry but I suppose he's making me feel bad about myself saying I'm an attention seeker. I don't want to make him feel bad either even though he's not being very nice, if I'm wrong posting things like that I'd rather know I guess.
I think like Billy has said, it's just my shoulders, I don't see e a problem with bare shoulders.
I had just got out of the bath and I was just sat down playing around with filters, it wasn't intended to look like I was naked.
I have lots of photos on Instagram, not that many selfies but I suppose it is a bit cringey posting things like that at my age.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 February 2020):
Personally, I see it more or less like Honeypie.I think, why in the world a grown up woman who is not into show business or nude modeling or whatnot, who is not one who "needs " ,in a way, to attract attention on her ( possibly ) naked body, - should chose to post a pic where she kinda looks like she is naked, fully knowing that, bear ears or not, people will think she is naked- that's beyond me, I don't get it and TBH it's not the apex of good taste.
BUT: I don't own you, I don't pay your bills, I have no legal or moral authority over you . Neither your ex does! Neither your ex, nor myself ,are the ultimate authority about nudity or Instagram or taste - so, if YOU think that pic is fine and you are comfortable with it, then it IS fine. As a matter of fact, how come are you even worried he got annoyed ? He is your EX. If he wants to get annoyed for whatever- let him suit himself. His annoyance is not your problem anymore.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 February 2020):
 Sweetheart, at the end of the day you could ask 100 people and get 100 different opinions and guess what? NONE of them would actually matter!
What matters is whether YOU are comfortable with the picture being "out there", which you obviously ARE.
Your ex is your ex for a reason. Keep him blocked and in the past where he belongs.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2020):
Personally?
I think Instagram filters and the likes are for kids and teens... I think it's a bit childish but also just a bit of fun. Would I do it? Nope. Maybe with my teenage daughters (we have done faceswaps for fun - not posted anywhere though, because why?)
BUT......... if I saw an adult woman having fun with it, I wouldn't give a single F. That is UP to her what she CHOOSES to post. Though... I will presume that you CHOSE to do this knowing full well that you looked naked... the whole "bear eyes and nose" were NOT the focus, the hint at MAYBE she's nude were the titillating point of it. A little on the "attention seeking" side. IMHO.
And I think that is what your BF had an issue with.
However, I think it's kinda tame consider what else people post on Instagram and online in general.
But why CARE? He is an ex. Not your problem. If you are OK with potential bosses and coworker seeing the photo, then I don't see the big deal at all.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 February 2020):
 That sort of photo does not bother me. I'm happy to see you have blocked him and are not bothered to argue.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (18 February 2020):
He’s your ex. Bump him and bump his opinion. You were right to block him. And the idea that there is something wrong with showing bare shoulders is kind of absurd when you think about it.
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