A
female
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anonymous
writes:My ex bf wants to be friends with me. I dont know if its a good idea or not. I broke up with him because he was abusive. I still care for him alot, infact I still love him, but I dont know if I can be frineds with him. I dont feel I can trust him, he is not the person who I fell in love with. When I talk to him or see him, I am constantly on edge, wondering if he will abuse me or not. Sometimes hes really nice and great, but I still find it hard to relax because in the a matter of seconds he can turn from being so caring and nice, to full of anger and rage and become abusive. The other night, things got really bad, and he abused me in the worst way he had ever. It was really full on. I told him that I didnt want to ever see him again, I deleted him from my contacts etc...I was really prepared to get him out of my life. I finally realised I didnt deserve all of it. However, he contacted me later to say sorry. I met up wiht him again, to hear him out and he was so nice and he said he totaly understood why I didnt want to be around him. He said he was just really stressed the other night when he did what he did, its not what he would normally do. I told him I forgave him (which i honestly do). However, part of me feels like maybe im just falling into yet another trap? Was i stupid to forgive him? how do i tell if he is being sincere when he says sorry? He said he hopes we can still be friends, and perhaps one day, be together again. I didnt know what to say to that. Part of me wishes we could have a future, but part of me doesnt think it could happen. I was too scared to tell him it would never happen...I didnt want to get abused again. So, should i let him back into my life, as a friend? If i dont let him be a friend, then id feel bad. I dont want him to think i hate him, or that hes a bad person, because hes not. I actualy understand why he is abusive, it goes back to things that happened ot him as a young kid. So i feel really sorry for him. However, if i do let him be a friend, i risk geting hurt all over again..and again, and again (thats if his apology was fake, and just his way of keeping me around so he can abuse me).I dont know what to beleive, any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): I'm in agreement with the other aunts and uncles. NO, you should under no circumstances even think about allowing this man to be your "friend." ("Friend"? more like "fiend", I'd say).
He is manipulative, controlling, abusive, and wants to think he has power over you and your life. He'll do or say whatever it takes to keep that power: take you out to dinner; buy flowers; apologize all over the place. Told you he was "really stressed" and "not something he would normally do", did he? yep, just part of his strategy to keep you under his thumb, and a lie because its clearly something he DOES normally do! This is what abusers do.
You can feel sorry for him because of a bad childhood, sure, just refuse to have any more contact with him! Forget about loving him: its YOUR life and you come first!
(Perhaps change the locks on your front door, and if need be, change your phone number & email address to unlisted!)
A
male
reader, Ed1337  +, writes (13 March 2009):
 I think you need to cut him out of your life, your clearly scared of him and he probably knows this. He will never change all the time you keep forgiving him and letting him back into your life.If you start meeting other guys, do you really think he is just going to sit back and be there for you as a friend? or do you think he will get mad again and threaten whoever your seeing?Please don't feel sorry for him, if he really wanted to change he would go and seek help.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (13 March 2009):
 This is what you can believe: Human beings are creatures of habits. When we do something, and we learn that it is a "feel good" thing for ourselves, or "acceptable" by the society (we can use the phrase "let them get away with it as "acceptable"), or appreciated by others, or provides us with "rewards", then we tend to continue repeating a particular action. A baby cries when it wants to be fed, but as it grows older and learns to speak, it will ask for food. We smile when we want something. His abusive behaviour is reinforced because we help him reinforce it.
The only way he can help change the abusive behaviour and thus break that particular pattern, is by him wanting to change himself, for himself. That would require both extensive and intensive soul searching within him. He can do this through a support group, or assisted by a professional. Until then, he will keep being abusive to you, to other people.
Don’t worry about him. He will continue to have friends, and perhaps, one day, he will realize that it is hurtful to be an abuser.
You, on the other hand, need time to build your self respect that he has somewhat eroded. You are a loving and respectful woman, and you thus you should be loved and respected, not abused. Think of this when your heart is in pain.
Tell him that you need peace, and so does he. If the two of you become friends again, that peace will not be there. Also, thank him for giving you the best lesson in life, and that is the fundamentals of a relationship are love, trust, and mutual respect. (Btw, it is not 1 out of 3, but they are integrated so cannot be separated at all)
Good luck, and please be strong.
Cat
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A
female
reader, missamz +, writes (13 March 2009):
Stay well away, this guy is trouble and you really need to find yourself a new hero. When you eventually find someone who adores you and treats you with great respect, only then will you understand the true meaning of love. This is not love, this is a power struggle - he is trying to take control and this has led to aggression. Get rid of him, retrace your steps with friends to the places you have been with your ex and associate certain locations (i.e., a restaurant you often went to) with good memories instead of memories involving him. You can have a good cry, do some exercise, grab a spoon and a tub of ben and jerrys and then move on! Good luck x
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A
male
reader, Jager +, writes (13 March 2009):
i read the first 3 lines of your story before i made up my mind. You should not be friends as you are still in love with him. You need to clean break from this guy untill you are over him. That means you have stopped loving him. Second he abuses you. Im going to asume he beats you. Either that or its sexual. Regardless. No you should not be thinking about being friends with him. You should not be thinking about give him a chnace and you should not love this scum!He is nothing just scum. Is this reaaly the kind of person you want to be with. Sounds like he wants to be friends so he can stay close then become your boyfriend again.Prove to your self that your worth more than this and walk away. Do not be friends with this guy. Cut him out of your life. You know its what you should do and its what everyone else will tell you to do.
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