A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I can't grasp the rationale behind why my ex would want to be my friend? And I've heard the stories about the using and the control and the not wanting me to be with other people, but seriously, and I'm asking women this more than men I think, what does she really want?We broke up after a five year relationship that was severely damaged. It wasn't a good break up--she kinda just disappeared until I contacted her and got her explain herself (which I'm convinced now was nothing more than lies and excuses). We resumed a friendship (i've come to realize she's seeing someone, which she has yet to disclose to me nor is she obligated to), but recently I've realized I can't do this. I can't be her friend in this non-equitable fashion. When I told her this she asked me why and indicated that she would prefer we were friends and that she hoped I'd change my mind in the future. She's not the person I fell in love with and I'm not sure I can be friends with her in the future, once I'm over her and over our relationship.She claims she can't trust me. Then why would she want to be my friend? Is she doing it out of obligation? Does she just not have the balls to tell me she doesn't want to be my friend?
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female
reader, missamz  +, writes (13 March 2009):
If your relationship began as a friendship then I can't see why remaining friends would not work, however you sound as if you cannot trust this girl, and if you jumped straight into a passionate relationship without initially forming a friendship, once the passion has gone theres no foundation to the relationship and friendship won't work. You could just humor her and when asked agree to be friends, but don't do any more than that. Say hello when you cross paths, remain civil, accept her friend request on facebook but leave it at that.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 March 2009):
 In my experience a lot of girls keep their ex's in their lives as so called friends to basically keep them as a back-up option in case things go wrong with their new partner or because they still have feelings for their ex. Girls dont like to let go of an ex, they dont like to feel like everything is really over and that after all that time spent together, it has come to nothing.
There are a variety of reasons why she may want to keep you as a friend but I can tell you this, none of the reasons will be good ones and they will only end up hurting you more than her. I have no idea why she claims she cant trust you if she was the one that dissappeared, clearly she has some issues and they are ones you need to stay clear of!
I think you are right in your desire to not want to be friends with her; you should just tell her that you need her out of your life for good in order to move on. Friendship with an ex only works when the break-up was a mutual decision and there are no injured parties on either side. In your situation it is clear that a friendship just wont work, you are doing the right thing by cutting off contact with her.
I hope this helps!
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