A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:Hey all, I'm struggling to keep my mind off my ex.We were only together for 4 1/2 months, but the relationship was highly significant to me. I loved her very much. After the break up I decided that I didn't want to risk losing her entirely, so at her request, we're trying to stay friends. I know that is never a good idea, but I know that in time it will get easier. For now, I am making no effort to stay in touch with her, but am returning her messages if she sends them. I'm doing this just so that I'm maintaining the space from her that I need at this time.Now, the reason for our break up is because I am in my final year of university and she is in her first. I will be leaving town for good in just under two months, and i find myself thinking about what is going to happen when that time comes. I'd like to think by then I will have completely moved on and me and her will be happy as just friends, but I can't see me getting over it as quickly as that. Back in November we booked tickets to a show which takes place in what turns out to be my last week in town, and for some reason I can't keep my mind off it.It's been just over a month since the break up and I've done my best to stay upbeat about everything and remain confident within myself... but it isn't always easy. And with the time when I have to say goodbye fast approaching, it is consuming all my thoughts. What advice can you give me? Many thanks!
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (11 April 2011):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Haha, eyeswideopen, I'm also longing for that day. You know probably better than anyone how much of a regular I've been on here. On the plus side, I look back on how I was nearly 4 years ago. I've come such a long way and it's because of the help I've received from people like you. Thanks for your continued support, I really wish I wasn't so sensitive. Sensitivity, twinned with the fact that when I fall in love I fall HARD, is not a good mix! It's pretty painful I must say.
Thank you as well Dirtball, you've been very consistent with me lately. I don't deserve the level of support you guys give me. I greatly appreciate it!
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (8 April 2011):
 Are you mad? A little, but it's understandable. I'm with Eyes, I hope you find the right lady someday and tell us about how happy she makes you. You've got a good heart, but unfortunately that usually means you'll end up hurt. I'm very similar. Still, I'd rather experience the good with the bad rather than be emotionally frigid. At least when you're open you have the chance of happiness.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 April 2011):
 Hi Andy, old Buddy, I see you are still leading with that chin of yours. Poor baby, you have such a soft heart. I'm looking forward to the day you come to DC and tell us you have finally found the right one, you certainly deserve it.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (8 April 2011):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dritball, I hope I'm not making an awful mistake. I can't say I'm looking forward to these next couple of months. I can see old wounds being opened up more than a few times before I leave town. It worries me, but unless I take the evasive action I'm not willing to take just yet, it's inevitable. I'm just scared of going backwards. After a break up, forward is the only way to move, yet I'm putting the breaks on. Am I mad?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (7 April 2011):
I think you've made your decision, and you know the consequences of what you're dealing with. It will get easier after you move, but you've got a rough couple of months ahead of you. But I definitely can't begrudge you the choice you made. When we put someone else's happiness before our own, that's a true expression of love. At least in this guy's opinion. It's just a shame it hurts so badly sometimes.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (6 April 2011):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI completely understand what you're saying, and I have discussed this with her more than once. I talked about making the most of the time we had left, but unfortunately she feels like it would only be harder to let go of whenever the time inevitably comes around.
I'm so glad you suggested what you suggested, because that is exactly what I did just under a month ago. I met up with her and explained that it was too hard for me to stay friends. But she got very upset. She was in floods of tears and even started to suggest that we stop trying to be friends. That made me realise that I could lose her completely if I didn't at least try and I'm not ready for that. I never want her to be out of my life entirely and refuse to risk it. That's why I'm doing what I'm doing. In doing so I'm putting a great deal of pressure on myself, but I feel like it's something i should do because she still means a lot to me. It won't strictly mean that if I do it we will end up together one day, but if I don't try then I'll never know.
What do you think?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (6 April 2011):
That sounds perfectly reasonable, but what I think you're not realizing is that your brain and your heart want two different things. That's what's causing your problems here. Intellectually you have a wonderful plan, and one that should work for you. You should be able to manage. However you can't help your heart stop wanting her and wanting to be with her. It wasn't broken by her, or hurt by her, so it's natural that it still wants to feel good like it did when you were with her.
I have not found an easy way to stop the heart from wanting what it wants. Sometimes it can cause a lot of pain. Why not talk to her about how this isn't working for you as well as you had hoped? Perhaps you two could get back together for some of your remaining time there. If it's going to end, why not make the most of it in the time being?
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (5 April 2011):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, Dirtball, you did. Thank you for all your advice so far, and please forgive the multiple questions. It's clear to me that I'm pretty obsessed to say the least.You are absolutely spot on, I know full-well that communication will naturally fade over time and I accept that. I will be doing my own things and moving on to new ventures in my life. That is why I am doing my best to maintain a form of friendship for now, it is only a couple of months until I leave town. I think I can handle that, although again you're right, a part of me is still fantasising about the idea of being more than friends. I just wish I could shut my brain off, because I find myself thinking about her throughout the day and I know and understand that I shouldn't.It's my understanding that when something is unavailable, it is perceived as more valuable and that's why I am in the position I'm in. However, I am in a position where I want to move on. If I move on it means that I will think about her less and give me something else to concentrate on. I don't necessarily want anything serious, I just want to have fun and enjoy myself. Does that sound reasonable to you? I greatly appreciate your advice, so if you have anything further to add please share it with me.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 April 2011):
I think I answered you on one of your previous posts (if there have been more than one). I can tell it's not going so hot for you. I'm guessing, it's not much better for her either.The truth is, that after you move away, the distance will make communication fade, and eventually you'll both move on. You will not be able to move on as long as you are still keeping this wound open by continuing this communication with her. I know you want to be friends, but that's not what you REALLY want. You really want to be with her still, you just know that logistically it will not work. My advice is to cut contact. Tell her it's just too hard for you, and as much as you wish otherwise, she haunts your thoughts endlessly and it's unhealthy for you to be that way. Tell her you'll reach out when you're ready, but in the mean time you cannot have any more contact with her. It will be difficult, but if you really want to move on, it's the only way. Say goodbye now, so you can really start to heal.
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