A
female
age
41-50,
*itch
writes:Hello all, I have been with my girlfriend for one year and a half and we live together. The problem I have is she won't have sex with me. The last time we had sex was 7 months ago and I confessed to her that I am considering sleeping with other people because my urges are making me feel sad, I cry for no reason sometimes. My girlfriend is suffering from depression and she is taking anti depressants since last month. I am not sure what to do she won't talk about it, she changes the subject and it is making me feel low. When I consider us breaking up she harms herself and I still feel towards her. What should I do? I am crazy sexually frustrated right now, can't focus on my work.
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male
reader, Silius Sodimus  +, writes (12 February 2013):
She's not your gf, your wife or your mother. You do not owe her anything. Leave h er.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 February 2013):
 OP based on your followup saying you had not had sex for a long time prior to her starting meds, you have talked to her about the lack of sex and she has said that this is how she is in general and she can't promise it will improve then you have several options
1. talk to her about taking a lover if you would be open to that (if you care about her deeply and the only thing lacking is sex that may be an option but you may fall for the lover and leave the gf anyway in the long run)
2. accept a sexless life (probably not an option at your age.. heck i'm nearly 53 and it's not an option for me yet either)
3. leave her and the relationship... the problem is she is emotionally blackmailing you by harming herself when you try to do what's right for you. And that sucks. What i would tell her if you opt to leave is that you know it's going to be hard on her but you really can't be expected to be celibate because she wants to be and you are going to leave and if she harms herself or threatens to harm herself you will out of love and fear for her have to call the police and have her involuntarily committed to a psych hospital as a danger to herself. (at least you can do that here in the states) That way you express your love and caring but you are not being manipulated by her.
It's a very tough situation you are in OP and I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (11 February 2013):
 Dear no nonsense Aidan
being on here and offering ( as your name quotes) no nonsense! advice gives everyone grounds to respond how they feel the OP comes across in the first place..
I confessed to her that I am considering sleeping with other people because my urges are making me feel sad......
I am crazy sexually frustrated right now, can't focus on my work....
so rather focusing on the real issues here which is her GF has mental health problems and needs help, not being told by her GF that she may look else where for sex! so I guess what I should of said then was leave her it's not your problem? wow if life was only that simple we could all be self centered!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (10 February 2013):
 you are not at fault and you are not selfish for having needs that aren't being met. and you do NOT need therapy because you're considering breaking up with your girlfriend over a completely reasonable and legitimate issue.you're not married to this woman. you haven't made the vows of for better or for worse and in sickness and in health (nevermind that we're both gay - you and me - so marriage isn't even recognized for us, anyway). the whole point of relationships is to date, and see who we are most compatible with. and when we find that person, we know it and we make the choice to make a life long commitment to them. at which point, THAT'S when we go through all the ups and downs with that person. but by agreeing to be in a relationship with someone, we are by NO means locked into some sort of a contract to stay with someone if we are no longer happy or able to receive our needs - physical or emotional. you're not under contract to stay in a relationship where you're unhappy - no matter what the cause of the unhappiness is. and truth be told, if roles were reversed, and i were suffering from depression and unable to give my gf what she needed, i would probably care enough to let her go so she could find someone that she could be happy with. people break up all the time in this world. and for way dumber reasons. not having sex for seven months out of a year and a half relationship is pretty big, if you ask me. and don't get me wrong, i'm by no means laying blame on your girlfriend. it's an unfortunate circumstance. but regardless of who is at fault (or not at fault), it's just a reality that you're unhappy. and if you're unhappy, it's time to move on.Your gf has been on meds for only one month now, and they haven't been having sex for seven months in total. they've been together for a year and a half. lets get that cleared up and out of the way.you're not doing anything wrong by deciding that this may not be the girl for you. as i said, you're not in the least bit wrong for being human. you shouldn't stay in a relationship that makes you feel bad just because someone on this site says you're a shit head for *gasp* having physical and emotional needs. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Sitch +, writes (10 February 2013):
Sitch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, I would like to thank you all for taking your time to answer my question I appreciate both the positive and negative responses. I needed to see from different angles and wanted to know if I was being too selfish.Secondly, I probably wasn't clear enough but we were not having sex long before she started taking anti-depressants and when I raised the question about sex I didn't mean I wanted it right there and then. I asked her if we will ever have sex again and she said she couldn't guarantee that we will and said she was like this with her previous partners. She is seeing a therapist at the moment by the way, and she has a handful of good friends to talk to, whereas I don't which is why I am on here.And yes, thank you llifton, I do feel unwanted and unattractive, my self esteem is rock bottom right now. I even stopped caring for my looks. I still feel for her but less so as before, I am not comfortable with her harming herself, she has been doing this long before she met me. What makes me want to hang on is the fact she is the most amazing girl I have ever met and we are happy together, we don't fight. She's fun and always put others before herself, she is the most caring person I know even towards strangers.Thank you Aidan and Daisy Daisy for letting me know that I won't be responsible for her harming herself, for a short while it had felt like she was black mailing me. And it is definitely not a good reason to stay with someone hoping they won't harm themselves, I never thought of that.After a lot of thinking I have decided to support her as a friend, I won't be going out dating other people until she is in a better position and allow her more time to prepare for a new start. I think I already feel better about this because I am no longer trapped in a sexless relationship and I am not causing her harm. I feel a little better being a sexless single.Thank you all very much!
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (10 February 2013):
 Sorry, I forgot this bit... "I confessed to her that I am considering sleeping with other people because my urges are making me feel sad".
What a great thing to say to your girlfriend with all her issues. You realise this would make her feel even more worthless right?
Unbelievable.
You've got issues too buddy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2013): Hi there, this is no substitute for formal medical advice, taking in the specifics of her circumstances, but as a medical practitioner myself, I feel she would benefit from a review of her antidepressant regime and perhaps even psychological-based intervention. Encourage her to see her psychiatrist or general practitioner because things should have started having an effect at three months.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (10 February 2013):
i understand feeling really low because it ultimately makes you feel not only unfulfilled sexually, but unwanted and undesirable emotionally. i'm sorry you're dealing with that. that's literally half of your relationship you've not had sex already!! that's a crazy long amount of time for such a relatively new relationship! if you'd been married for 20 years, i'd just be like, yeah, you're going through a tough time together. but wow. the relationship should still be somewhat new and sex should be being had all the time!depression really can cause a lot of problems like that. and not only that, but i've also heard that some anti depressants actually cause you to be unable to orgasm. so that may not make things any better for the two of you. i know that you love her, but at the same time, your needs aren't being met. and normally i'd say that sex isn't everything, but honestly, it's not just the physical aspect. it's the closeness you're also missing out on. and it starts to wear on you because it starts to make you wonder if you're not attractive, etc. it makes you second guess if they love you and are into you anymore. and that's not a good feeling. no one likes feeling insecure.i wouldn't advocate breaking up necessarily, but at the same time, life is too short to be unhappy and unfulfilled. and the relationship is still so new. way too new to be having these problems. i would give it a bit of time and see if these new meds don't kick in and start to make things improve in your sex life. give it a month or so. if you're still in the same boat this time next month, i'd be tempted to cut my loses now. as i said, you're needs clearly aren't being met. and you're still way too young to be unhappy.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (9 February 2013):
Excuse me! Whilst Sitch may only speak of her frustrations, she may do so because that is the focus of her question. This doesn’t give anyone grounds to claim that she is only interested in her own needs. Even the most loving and supportive person can’t switch off their own needs. How often do we encourage people to talk to their partners if they have something on their minds. Considering that Sitch has tried to be honest with her girlfriend about her frustrations, she hardly deserves condemnation for that.
Hopefully the medication this lady is taking for her depression will be reviewed regularly by her doctor. It may not be working and an alternative may need to be found. However such medications can themselves have a profound effect on mood and, importantly, sex drive. Obviously if you can talk to her and get her to acknowledge your viewpoint and start to compromise that might be a start. At least if you know what she’s thinking, even if it’s to confirm the desire for sex isn’t there, at least you can start to know what’s going on inside her head. It sounds like she’s shutting down though every time you try to address it. If you want to stay with her, you should both try and find help and support through this. If you do want to break up with her then I’m afraid you’re not responsible for the fact that she harms herself. That’s a reaction to circumstances which indicates an unresolved mental health issue. If you can, try to tell people who know of her problems and would support her of your intent to end things before you break up with her. But, as easy as it is to say, you can’t stay in a relationship you don’t want to be in because you think she might do something to herself.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (9 February 2013):
 I agree with Mandy that she may be on the wrong medication or the wrong dose, but also wanted to add that antidepressants don't kick in for 2-3 weeks and 'last month' was just over a week ago. Depression can also mess with libido so the right antidepressant may actually help rather than hinder. Especially since she's had low libido for 7 months (predating the medication). Maybe try to give her a bit more time and let her bring it up next time since you've already voiced your concerns. Really, though, she needs a therapist and not just medication, especially since she's self harming.
I suppose you have to decide whether you love her enough to be patient and try to get through this bad patch. You're not obliged to stay with her, and ultimately you're not responsible for her, though that might sound brutal. She should have a wider support network like friends and family, and if she doesn't then she should definitely ask her GP for a referral to see a therapist. You also have to consider your own well being and its more than sexual frustration if you're sad and crying for no reason.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (9 February 2013):
HI
do you still love her? because if she is suffering with depression anti-depressants can have dramtic effect on her libido. She needs support not the threat of getting it else where, which leads me to believe your only interested in your own needs. Maybe suggest she see her Dr again , cause if the tablets are not helping then there the wrong ones for her, or the wrong dosage.
Mandy
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