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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My daughters (they're only 8 and 5 of age) call my girlfriend (of 2 years) names like b!tch, s*ut, wh*re, ugly, fat, skank, smelly, tramp and the list goes on. I cant them to stop. Of couse I give them time out after time out but its losing its effect. My wife died 4 years ago and I haven't been able date til I met my gf.My girlfriend has had it with them and im afraid she might leave me if I cant them to behave. She never had kids or married. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): You should take your daughters to see a therapist. You cannot let your daughters control your life. One day, your daughters are going to grow up and go on with their lives wether you approve of it or not, and they are not going to care if you stay by yourself. You should consider taking them to therapy. You should also tell them that, it's not your gf fault that their mother past away and that she's not trying to replace her.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 December 2008):
 Have them suck on a bar of soap whenever they start using bad language.
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female
reader, samsmommy +, writes (16 December 2008):
 Your daughters are very young, and the youngest probably doesn't remember her mom at all, as sad as that is. So the idea of you dating someone is very foreign to them and they probably just don't know how to react to that, the older one may think the girlfriend is trying to be mom. But I'm also a little concerned that they know all of those words, and are actually brave enough to use them. If the time outs aren't working, I would trying taking something they love away from them, whether it be video games, computer games, tv, or just hanging out with friends, you could ground them for the weekend or something. They are old enough to know better than to call someone names repeatedly. Good Luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): Personally I think this is a lot for you to try and solve on your own as it seems your daughters will be carrying a lot of emotion still regarding the death of your wife. It may benefit them and you anyway to see a family counsellor otherwise you could find yourself having relationship after relationship and similar things happening. Don't let your children trap you in this - there is a way out but I think professional non-intrusive help could be the answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): PS: Never shout or scream or reason with them. There is no point. You are the adult, keep your calm, but remind them until they start working or leave home, your word is the law.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): First sit them down and tell them that you are unhappy with their behaviour and their language. Tell them you miss their mother, but you love your girlfriend, but this will never stop you loving their mother or them. Tell them you are ashamed of them, and their mother would be ashamed of them too, because the way they are acting disrespects their mothers memory and the way she brought them up.
You need to take back control, you are the adult and they are the kids, if this misbehave then they must be punished.
Put up a wall chart, every time they miss behave then mark it down on the wall chart so they can see you are keeping a record and everyone can see what's going on. The first time they use bad language, then it's time out. Mark it on the chart. The second time, then you remove something of theirs that they care about. The third time, give them a nasty chore to do. The fourth time, then they are not allowed to watch TV, or they are banned from going out to play, their pocket money is stopped, or they are not allowed to visit their friends, or their friends are banned from coming over. Everything must be written on the chart, and you must be firm. Every time they are rude they must receive some type of punishment.
NEVER REWARD BAD BEHAVIOUR, there must be punishments and consequences for their bad behaviour. Treat them separately, because at the moment, your older child is encouraging bad behaviour in her younger sister. They are working as a team, and you must break this down. If one behaves badly and the other dose not, then only one will receive a punishment. In a way, you'll be playing one against the other...
But there must be rewards as well. Allow them to buy back their toys, their luxuries and freedoms with good behaviour. They do something helpful or say something nice to either you or your girlfriend, then reward them, by giving them something nice back, and mark it on the chart. Make sure you do nice things, and have family days out, sometimes with just them alone, and sometimes with them and your girlfriend. Pick things they really like to do, surprise them with nice entertainments, and nice thoughtful gifts. All these can be later removed as punishments.
Hopefully this system of rewards and punishments should work. Try it for six months and if they improve their behaviour, then together with them destroy the chart.
If they don't behave, then you will be saving money (no pocket money) you won't have extra kids in your house (no friends over) and you will have some free unpaid labour (extra chores)
At the moment they believe they have to be nasty to your girlfriend to protect their mothers memory. You need to firmly remind them that their mother would be ashamed if she could see her children turning into nasty brats. Your girlfriend should play no part in this. When she is insulted, she should leave the room, and leave you and your daughters alone, so you can give out the punishments. The chart will also help her to see that you are seriously defending her, and punishing your children when they are nasty to her. She should only get the good times with them. So on family trips and treats include her, but when it's punishment time, she shouldn't be around to suffer that.
Extra homework, like spelling hard words.. respect, consideration, in a variety of foreign languages works well as a punishment and educates them as well. Maths and times tables keeps them busy, and if they don't manage to complete these extra punishments, well I'm nasty, I would add extra punishments to the chart for failure to make up for what the did wrong.
Hopefully you get the idea. A system of rewards and punishments. Family time for all, remembrance about what their mother would expect as if she remains part of your lives. You are the adult, they are children, they must change their ways otherwise the will grow up to be very nasty, badly behaved adults...
You can also have a word with the school, they are used to dealing with naughty kids. They will be able to help you to gain discipline in your household, and they will be able to help your children deal with the bereavement issues that happen when they lost their mother. I'm so sorry your going through this. They are testing you, and you are trying to be the good guy. Now you have to be the nasty guy and start getting them to respect you and behave.
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female
reader, Twilight#1 +, writes (16 December 2008):
 frist off I'm sorry to hear about the death of your wife... and I am happy you're in a new relationship... Everyone deserves to be happy...
Your daughters are probably playing those hollywood games to make the 'women' go away... They probably feel like she is trying to take their mothers place... but I think you might know this...
Take control of the situation....
Put your foot down... Start making rules...
Discipline... Take away privileges...
Also try to talk to your daughters and see if there is a good reason behind all these name callings... Not that there is any justification for such disrespect.... But maybe you can figure out what is really bothering them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): First question, "How much time are you spending with your girls?" Sencond, "How much time are you spending with your g/f?"
Now, that I've asked that, If you are not spending enough time with your girls this could be a cry out for attention. They're jealous of her. You need to take some quality time out to just go out with your daughters. Make them feel special and loved. Always, make sure you tell them aswell. Your g/f, if she loves you will understand that you need time with them alone. While you are with your daughters... make sure you tell them how much this woman (your g/f) means to you. make them understand that this woman could possibly be their future stepmother. Make them understand that their behavior is one that is not tollerable. Time out is just not enough when they are name calling. put your foot down and really punish them! Tell them that if it does not stop you will be forced to whoop them... and if that does not work. Whoop them, send them to their room, and make it clear that if this attitude they have does not stop... the measures will get worse. Take their toys away, don't let them watch t.v. or go outside. (or anything they enjoy doing) Lay the rules down and let them know who is boss (you are the father)! It will be hard but they will grow to respect you for it.
Okay, as for your g/f, you need to make her as involved with your children as much as you possibly can. Make her understand that they are just children... and are lashing out for attention. Not only do your girls need quality time with you, they need quality time with her aswell. they need to get to know one another. Their is no bond between your girls and your g/f. If you want this woman to be apart of your life you need to make sure that this is the kind of life that she truly wants. You say she has never been married and has never had kids. Make sure she understands that a life with you is also, a life with your children. If she still wants to be with you. Spend some time with your girls and your g/f. plan activities together... things everyone would enjoy doing. go on a pic-nic or go out to eat, the movies are fun or just watch a movie inside. either way just spend time with one another and make it as much fun as you can. To truly make this woman (your g/f) want to be their mother one day (if that day comes) a bond must be made... and that bond is very very special to not only a little girl but also, to a mother. But, you have to also make quality time for just the two of you (your g/f and you) aswell. If you don't you will lose her. a woman needs to feel needed and loved. Don't forget about her. From the sound of it this woman really has a good heart to stick with you for as long as she has. Especially, after the name calling! No one has to put up with that and you are very lucky to have such a woman! I hope this helps! Good luck to you Sir! Hope to hear how things turn out! God Bless You!
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female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (16 December 2008):
 You need to put your foot down and control your children.
It's obvious that you feel guilty for them losing their mother and hard for you to discipline your children.
1st off, they should not be having these words in their vocabluary. Are you trying to raise a foul mouth teenager?
You are their father and only you can discipline them.
They will not listen to anyone but you.
So make a threat and follow through. no matter how much it hurts you ..it is for their own good. Take their toys and privilege away until they learn their manners and to respect people that are older.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): If she treats them kindly and politely and they are still this rude...time to move on from simple time outs, I think. Start restricting their privileges in more lasting ways over this and I think you will see improvements. Don't like the idea of tough love? Tough, because it sounds like if you let things continue as they are you will no longer have a girlfriend and the problem will solve itself...
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female
reader, kurayami3nobara +, writes (16 December 2008):
Sit down with your girls very seriously--at the kitchen table, or in the living room--and tell them that their behavior is unacceptable. The words they are using are 'bad words' and they shouldn't use them. Threaten to take away things they like to do (a favorite doll, a video game, computer time, going out with a friend to a movie, an after-school activity or sport they participate in that they like, etcetera) if they use one of those obscene words. If they do, don't put the punishment off. Be firm and unyielding. As you take away the toy/event/whatever, explain to them that it is a result of their using one of those bad words. If this goes on even after you take away things they like, threaten to spank them.
Yes, yes, I know many people don't like to spank because it makes you seem like an abusive parent. This is nonsense. My dad spanked me and I'm just fine. Granted, I didn't need it much, but when he did do it it sent a message(only needed it about two or three times during my entire childhood). It doesn't 'scar them for life' so long as they understand WHY they are being punished.
Another good tactic is, after explaining why the words they use are unacceptable, asking them to come up with a punishment and if the punishment isn't judged to be good enough (by you! A single parent family with two kids is not a democracy!) then you'll level one of the punishments I've previously mentioned.
I hope this helps you and your girls. :3 Being a parent isn't always about being the good guy! Sometimes you have to bear yelling or crying and a few 'I hate you's to raise a good kid.
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female
reader, xxsecretsxx +, writes (16 December 2008):
 Take your girls out to a more private place, away from home, but not with your girlfriend. Try to explain to them that your girlfriend isn't trying to replace their mother, but she wants to be able to be a part of the family.
time out doesn't seem to work anymore. You need to think of another way of punishment, and NEVER be flexible. Take away the thing they like the most. Set a short time ( a day for first offence, two for second, week for third, they should have learned by #!) Don't bend to them if they cry or whine. I guarentee that something will be broken, but your girls will start to realize their behavior is unacceptable.
Believe it or not swear jars work. Tell your daughters with in the next week they both can get say $10 every weeks or so for allowance, but everytime they swear take it down a quarter or a dime. Show them they are losing for there behavior.
Encourage your girlfriend to try to do things alone with the girls, maybe she could take the oldest while you take the youngest for a day and vice versa.
And last of all everyone needs to respect each other. If they hear you say words like that, they will. Talk to them in a respectful manor and make sure they realize you respect them but it is a two way street.
good luck and if you need anything a message is a click away.
-trich
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