A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i have found out in the last year that my daughter is a pornstar and before that worked as a escort, i am finding this hard to deal with as she does not care whom it affects in her life, i have just lost my relationship over what she does, my partner has a young daughter and thinks that it will harm her at school, my daughter has never met my partner or will ever be part of his and his daughters life, i feel so ashamed and i was honest with him and now he has walked out, he came across a dvd that when she stayed with me she left here, i wouldnt let him look at it as i knew it would be one of hers, he assumed that i had made a film i think, but he is so so wrong i find it disgusting, he would not listen and demand to see whats on it, i could not let him see it,i still what to protect whats left of my daughters respect, i feel so dirty that this is in my house but i cant touch it as its her stuff, was i wrong for saying no he cant look at it? why would he just go off like that and text me to say its over, i am just so confused about all this, i feel that i have done something wrong..
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 August 2010):
 Ah, there you are, I couldn't find your post again... so sorry about the guy, but I am more concerned about you.
We make it sound so easy.. "so what your daughter does porn, that her choice, it's a job". But of course it's not that easy. It's not what you wanted for her or yourself. It seems to put her in bad company and you must be terribly worried about her. It's also damaged your mother-daughter relationship.
I'm guessing here, and could be wrong. But did you have a hard childhood? Do you need the security of a drama free life where you are respected and thought highly off?
The guy is talking crap. Kids at 2years old don't even understand about sex, let alone porn. He is the one with the problem, and he's not brave enough to discuss it with you, but blames a little kid who probably still wears nappies.
Your daughter sounds like she's been a bad place for a long time. This must have been very stressful for you. The reason I am coming back is to tell you, I think that you would benefit from some counselling. Your not mad or crazy, but you've been through a lot of trauma, and you may feel alone, confused and worried. I would just feel better if you got some support. That guy didn't give it to you, but I think a professional will.
Book an appointment with your doctor and ask to see a counsellor for stress related issues. The counsellor will not judge you or your daughter, there will be no blame involved, and you will have a safe space to let out your feelings of possible hurt and anger.
Your dealing with a lot dear mother, and you've been dealing with a lot for a very long time. I just think it would be beneficial to talk to someone, to get someone to listen, somebody who will understand.
It's not easy having kids in the sex industry, but it's worst if things like murder, drugs or other "nasties" are involved. You say she's been involved in "dreadful things", that makes you involved as well.
So sorry that all this distress has been placed on you, go visit a counsellor and talk about your feelings for your daughter, this man, and the worry and stress you've been under for far too long.
I wish you and your daughter well.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 August 2010):
Not worth it at all. Your daughter wasn't near, she's miles away and wasn't going to meet them. And you don't share the same surname as him. It was never going to be linked. And to say you're tainted it complete rubbish. Nothing here is linked and your daughter lives her own life and does her own thing miles away. The more you talk about this guy, the more I'm convinced you've had a narrow escape from a very manipulative man who doesn't care about you at all. He's not worth any of your time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have spoken to my now ex partner, he thinks the risk is far to high for his daughter to be linked with me, even though our names are different he still thinks that this will some how connect to me, and she will be bullied at school even thought she is not even 3, he has discussed this with his family whom has never met me or my daughter, he has let me down by telling them something tht was so personal to me, they have all judged me for somethng that is beyond my control.
He said tht even thought we dont live together he could not risk my daughter near his, my daughter has never been here when he has, she has no interest in meeting him. he said i am also tainted because of my daughter.I dont need him to point the finger i need support in this, but i guess hes not worth it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): Dear lady,
Obviously, the broken family system has it's own complexities and some times i wonder, they are solution or the problem in itself. It is so complex to deal with ex, present, step kids, step dads, step father and so on so forth.
In your case, neither of any one is at fault. your partner is right to protect the other daughter from what is bad. You care for your daughter and your partner both and so on.
Not sure what and when went wrong, but obviously some thing did go wrong.
Now, how can you fix it? There are only 2 options, Either wait for your daughter to sink into PORN industry or force her out of it. You have complex issue to deal and have not so many options.
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 I don't know where that poster got off telling you that this is your fault, but it isn't. Your daughter is an adult and made her own adult decision.
I think where he is coming from is this. Often in porn the actresses report being the victim of sexual abuse as a child. This often makes them devalue both sex and themselves. In such a case, the fact that someone chooses to go into porn could be construed as the fault of the abusive parent.
She's your daughter. This guy is being a jerk, and just be glad he showed his true colors before you got more involved with him. It is ok to love your daughter and not approve of what she does for a living. Stay strong. Chances are that she won't be in that industry very long.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno of couse i am not ignoring her, i just rather not have her tell me about it, i would never chose him over her, ever..
and why would it be because of me tht she does such things, i didnt even know, we had a perfectly normal life 2 loving parents and yes we were young but tht has made no difference, so why would it be my fault she does this..
I have had ony 2 relationships in my life, just because she does what ever she does doesnt mean tht, i am like tht.
well he said he cant have it affecting his daughter, i respect tht enough to let him go.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 August 2010):
You haven't done anything wrong with respect to your partner. What you have done is allow yourself to be turned against your daughter because of him. You're saying that he walked out because of her. That's an excuse. There are a lot of people working in the porn and sex industry who get on perfectly well with people around them. Your boyfriend has turned this and you're now blaming your daughter. It's not anything to do with her. They've never even met, so why is she to blame here? This is just an excuse. The truth is that he wanted out and used your daughter as the excuse. So you're better off without him. To top it off, he then wanted to see your daughter's porn movie.
As for your daughter, if you are that ashamed of the porn, you don't have to have it on your house. You can tell her you'd prefer it not to be there. It just seems a shame to me that a perfectly good mother-daughter relationship is being tested because of a man who seems like someone who has too much control. Your daughter has made her career choice, and in all fairness to her she has kept it away from your life as much as she can. She is not to blame for him walking out. He wanted out for another reason.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you, i think he thought that maybe i was hiding something, i just feel so torn, he thinks i should cut her dead, shes my only daughter and has been involved in some dreadful things, but this is one thing i cant handel, theres has been so much stuff in the last yr that has happened her ex murdered someone and she was the only witness, it hit the local news and papers and thts how i found out what she did, i have been honest with him all along, but this just cut raw to the bone when he walked out, he said it would never affect us, but again i must be deluded to have believed him, i feel he should support me, she lives 200 miles away, she will never come home, but he thinks that if our relationship moves on she will be realted to his daughter and he cant have tht, he said he was sticking up for his 2 yr old daughter, i have not met her either, we dont live together, how can this have an affect on his daughter, my daughter has a different name to me, no-one would ever connect the two, its just a excuse i think for away out, he should of said right from the start, i dont want to be part of this, not once has he.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (23 August 2010):
I don't know why he'd want to see it knowing your daughter is in it. That'd disturbing. Why would he want to see your daughter doing that stuff?
I think you have every right to get rid of it. It is in your house. She doesn't live with you. You could even just box it up with other belongings of hers and store them for her to get when she is able.
Honestly, he sounds like an asshole. It would be different if you had pushed her into the sex industry, but that doesn't sound like the case. There comes a point when children start making their own decisions, good and bad. The hardest thing you can do as a parent is let them live their own life and give them the unconditional love that only a parent can.
If he can't come to grips with what your daughter does, then that is his problem, and he wasn't as good a guy as you thought. If you've taken the steps to cut her out of your family life, then this should be a non-issue.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 August 2010):
Your partner decides to leave you and you blame your daughter... you want your daughter to change her life to make your partner happy...That's going too far... how can you let a man have that much control. Your daughter's life is her's to live, it doesn't belong to you or him. I understand that your not happy about the choices she has made, but they are her choices, she's old enough to do what she wants.But the idea that you blame your daughter because the man doesn't love you enough to stay... I find that very, very wrong. You trusted him enough to tell him something you find distressing and he packs his bags and dumps you. How are the children at school gonna find out about your daughter, and so what if they do, they'll probably think that it's cool. Sounds like an excuse to me. If his daughter does something similar would he expect you to walk away?To tell the truth, I think your better off without him.
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