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female
age
30-35,
*weetSmoochy
writes:A little back story:My mom and I are very close, so we talk to each other like friends often. Because of that, I know a lot about her and my dad's relationship. My dad has been experiencing some Erectile Dysfunction issues over the past two years due to heredity and injury. My mom has been very supportive and kind to him, and they've worked a lot of it out with medication and working on his injury. About a year or maybe a bit more ago, my mom discovered that he has been watching porn. It really bothered her, as other than the ED they have a very healthy sexual and emotional relationship. They act like newlyweds even after 23 years. It made her feel like she wasn't good enough any more and like he was unattractive to her. She asked him to stop, and he said he would, but hasn't. Yesterday she even found his hidden porn stash, and my little brother stumbled upon another porn stash a few months ago. I feel like if a person you love asks you to stop watching porn and you don't, it is an addiction. His disgusting habit is making my mom really, really upset. She's fragile, he knows this, and yet he's acting like this little teenage boy with his dirty movies. I don't know what to do, or what my family should do. He doesn't even know that I know.
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female
reader, nester +, writes (10 April 2011):
I really don,t know what to tell you i,m sorry that your dad has problem with porn. however you are asking the wrong people for this kind of ed vice you should be asking a doctor or maybe you should ask your dad to get counseling and even go with him you and your mother. I know it,s easy,er said then but you can and will get through this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): Sorry I never told you what my friend's son's circumcision taught me. It thought me that I can hate the thing but not hate the person who does it. I still hate circumcision and would not allow any of my kids to endure that kind of barbarism but if others decide they do then I can't judge them for that only the action itself.Basically it's okay to hate porn OP. But if you're going to hate every single person who likes it because you don't then you're going to live a long, lonely bitter life. especially if you can't even see past your fathers own usage. Just because he does something you don't like doesn't make him a bad person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): Oh right. You have to look past this then and not let it bother you. He's still the father you've always known. None of that has changed at all.The fact you know he likes porn doesn't change anything unless you let it. So I say don't let it.Just because we find something completely morally reprehensible doesn't mean that it is. It also doesn't make people that like that thing bad people.I'll give you an example. I hate the practice of circumcision with a passion (unless it's a medical necessity) I think people who practice it and who mutilate their baby sons (and daughters) for whatever stupid reason they deem to be appropriate are vile, disgusting monsters. I'm not going to go into the millions of reasons why it is wrong but I will tell you this; One of my closest friends decided she wanted to have her baby son circumcised for the same reasons other people do, she thinks it looks better. She went ahead and did that. I had a very hard time looking at her the same way after that because she butchered her sons penis for cosmetic reasons. The thing is though OP to her and to very many people circumcision is fine, to billions of people around the world it's a religious practice. In your country it's a cosmetic procedure you do on most babies. How does this relate to your situation? Well it's like this. Not one part of the person I love about her had changed, her doing that didn't make her a bad person at all. You might say this is different but that would only be a matter of opinion OP, you see your father isn't hurting you, just like my friend didn't hurt me. He might be doing something you don't agree with but that doesn't mean it is wrong. No matter what your opinion OP it is just an opinion, if porn was so wrong then it wouldn't be legal at all. Millions of people wouldn't enjoy it, watch it or participate in it if it were. Regardless of your opinion of porn you can't let it change your opinion of your father. Yeah he does something you don't agree with, well welcome to the world OP, we can't all have the same beliefs as you and if you're going to punish people or look down on them for not thinking like you or doing something you deem wrong, then you're going to lose a lot of good people out of your life and life is going to be tough. Let it go. It doesn't affect you directly at all.
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female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (10 April 2011):
SweetSmoochy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey guys. I already understand that I can't intervene in this. I guess I didn't make it clear that what I wanted was advice on how to deal with this, not how to get in the middle of this.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 April 2011):
 You sound miffed that people is commenting about your mother's bizarre convos with you, and basically say : stick to my question, how can I intervene ?...
But you see, the two things are linked, you should not intervene because you should never have involved to begin with , it's totally inappropriate that you have been called to share such intimate details about your parents' sex life, and it's totally inappropriate that you want to butt into it now, even with the best intentions.
The best you can do now is butting out and letting the adults be adults and handle their problems as they see fit, as a daughter you are not supposed to monitor their sexual activity and decide if it is of your liking or not.
If I were you I would also frankly tell your mom that you are there for her but you want to be spared such private and superfluous details. That's not being a prude, that's having a healthy sense of boundaries and roles within the family- a healthy sexuality does not NEED to be flaunted.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (8 April 2011):
 If you really want to help, find a good family therapist and make an appointment for them. Then bow out. Like Cerberus said, this isn't your place. I know you want to help, but really, this is an issue that you cannot help with. They have to work it out between themselves.
You've been on this site for a while. I've seen your posts in other threads. You have to have read some of the other porn posts out there. You know the situation, and if you don't, then go look through the porn tab on the right side of the screen.
To me, it doesn't sound like he has an addiction. If he was addicted to porn, your parents wouldn't have a healthy and active sex life like you say they do. That's the simple truth. You may not approve of it, but I also find it very hard to believe that she didn't know about it.
You can comfort your mom, but do your best not to share your opinion on this one anymore. Tell her the help she needs is something you aren't capable of giving because you're simply too close to the situation. That's why marriage counselling is the best option.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): OP your mother needs adult help with this.
If you're the only person she has to talk to then she needs to get more friends, get out there and join groups or something.
I'm not criticizing your relationship with her, being close to your mom is a good thing just your involvement in their sex lives is too much.
If you went out of your way to find out this info then I have 4 words for you *mind your own business*. Seriously this has nothing at all to do with you and again it's not fair for your mom to moan to you about your father and go into details. She's forcing you to take sides and now you are in an issue that is none of your business and beyond your comprehension, you're not even legally able to view porn and there's a reason for that. Did you ever think that maybe his porn use is what has kept his libido alive all these years? Have you ever considered that maybe that's the reason their sex life is so fulfilling?
She did tell you about the porn thing, if I asked my mother about that what would she tell me? "Mind your own business".
You need to go live your own life and your mother needs to go find herself adult friends to talk about these adult issues with. because now you're pissed at your father for doing something he's always done. Your entire life and even longer he's been using porn, the only difference is now you know.
Now the original title of this question may not be yours but I'll answer it anyway. Your dad has been using porn a hell of along time and there is no chance in hell that in 23 years of marriage and however many years before that they dated that your mother never once knew about this. But for whatever reason she decides it's a problem now. You know what I think her problem is? I think her problem is that you found out, her best friend and 17 year old daughter found it and decided to tell her it was disgusting and vile. So you know what OP? There is every chance your reaction to this and your opinion of this and not minding your own business is what has caused this problem.
Really 23 years and she never knew? I don't think so. It's time you stayed out of your parents affairs OP. Hate your dad all you want he has done nothing wrong as most dads have their own porn collections.
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reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (8 April 2011):
SweetSmoochy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis isn't a fake post. I really, really wish it were because I can't even look at my dad the same because of this. If I wanted to ask about a porn debate, I would have made a post stating just that. In fact my last question was a debate question about "opinions and advice", you can check on my page for proof. Believe what you like I suppose but I'd much rather have advice than criticisms.
She doesn't talk to me about her sex life, she tells me when she's upset with my father. When you live with people with a healthy sex life it's a little obvious, especially to a 17 year old. Granted, she did tell me about the ED problem, but I discovered the porn thing by stumbling across some images on the computer and I asked her about it.
I've been told by more than one person that the way my mother and I are together is "too close" or not right, but it works for us. There's a whole lot of backstory there that I don't want to get into either. Suffices to say that my mom is a little kooky and I'm the only one she has to talk to. It hasn't damaged me in any way, which, yes, I know sounds like denial but I've been put through counseling to make sure I'm ok.
I'm angry at my dad for upsetting her like this, but I obviously can't confront him so I'm not really sure what to do. This is just revolting and frustrating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): There's nothing you can do, this is for them to sort out.
No offence sweetsmoochy but I think it's highly inappropriate that she'd put this problem on her teenage daughter or even go into intimate sexual details with you about her and your father. Frankly I don't know anyone who would want to talk to their mother about her sex life with their father.
Again no offence but this seems like a fake post designed at eliciting a porn debate under the guise of it being a teenage poster looking for help. I know there are lots of people that are not afraid to be open about sex and sex related issues with their parents and that's a good thing but when she's turning to her 16-17 daughter about her sexual problems with her father then that's a little bit irresponsible. She shouldn't be burdening you with this kind of thing and you don't have nearly enough experience sexually or in life to be a valuable aid to her anyway.
Now if this is a real post and you are really looking for help. Then my advice is to stay out of it because there's nothing you can do. Your mother is being completely irresponsible getting you involved as already you're starting to take her side. That's completely unfair on your father. What they do as adults and the problems they face really are outside of your ability to help because you're their teenage daughter.
Now you're going to get lots of posts telling you that porn is good or it is bad, but the fact remains this is not your business they're adults and they need to deal with this themselves.
I honestly don't know any responsible adult that would put this kind of thing on their children, put this kind of burden and worry on them because it's not fair at all.
I don't care how fragile your mother is she's the one acting like a teenager by going to a teenager for advice and support on sexual matters. That makes no sense to me because parents are supposed to protect their children from this kind of thing not burden them with worry over something which should be their private business.
Your father has been using porn for their entire 23 marriage, the entire time he's been your father and has it had a negative effect on you? Has it had a negative effect on your parents love life? No you said they still go at it like newlyweds.
Stop taking sides no matter what your opinion. Let the two of them sort this out, your mother should be looking for help with this elsewhere, talking to her adult friends and seeking the advice of other adults, not moaning and whining to her young daughter and turning her against her own father.
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