A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:A week ago, my dad said he needed me to come and help him with going the supermarket and shopping.I thought nothing of it, was only trying to be a good daughter.But it later turned out he wanted me to meet his girlfriend, Rachael (not her real name), who's only 10 years older than me!Apparently, Rachael's wealthy and they've dated for 18 months in secret!He said they met via OKCupid and that Rachael is really into him.Rachael looks like Taylor Swift, from what I've seen, and she's mega-rich, Dad has said.It seems like Dad likes her for more than money, he talks about her so positively and Mom so negatively.She was single at the time so she didn't cheat on anyone.She can't be into my Dad for money, since, well, we're not dirt-poor, but we're not middle-class or living in a McMansion! We're living in an average-sized house, poor neighborhood, dad drives a 2000s Chrysler sedan, works in management for a realtor locally.Dad told me that I cannot tell Mom and if I do, "there will be huge consequences". He was screaming at me as he did this and eating a huge bag of potato chips. He also said "I'm leaving Mom for Rachael and you're coming, end of, you're under 18 so no say in the matter".This is the first time Dad's ever been like that towards me.I'm 16, so affairs etc. aren't something I know much about, but what would be the reality if they did get together.I've done only basic research but I've often seen things about affairs relating to "you'll have to deal with their dirty underwear and taking the garbage out", "you won't have a shared history together and he'll want to go back to his wife and kids" but how true are these? What's the actual REALITY that will happen during an affair, this would be an interesting thing to answer as an FAQ in this question itself. Is it true dirty underwear and garbage / shared history etc. are just cliches that are seen online about this sort of thing?At 16 I'm probably not going to have to deal with an affair so my understanding of this is only limited to first dates and teenage dating.Apparently Dad seems happy to throw away our social circle for this woman and shared history with Mom.He told me: "I need a reboot of my love life, Mom's was going stale... she was never gonna look as great in lingerie as Rachael, and besides, Rachael does everything better than Mom, who's obese, and she's eating that horrid Mexican-Indian food", and "She's lost her way and doesn't look great in a bikini any more... it's sickly to see her in a bikini!"I'm half-Indian, half-Italian; Indian as in India the country, not Native American. My dad's Italian-American from the Bronx but moved to LA, mom's Indian-American from here in Florida.I feel angry, embarrassed and upset and want to tell Mom but don't know how to or when is the right time to.This whole thing makes me upset and angry, and I feel like I've no-one to talk to. I haven't got many friends here as it is; since the Black Lives Matter thing I've been hated by some people for being Indian with crude jokes made about me and racism towards me (even though I'm half-Italian-American and our family aren't religious).I'm struggling... just would really need some help from you guys.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2021): I think it is manipulative of your dad to tell you about his affair with Rachel before he tells your mum!It is only so that he can deal her a double blow when he tells her by saying that you already knew and had agreed to move in with him and Rachel no questions asked.As this is a low-life gesture towards your mum I think you should tell her.Something like : 'You know Mum I don't always agree with dad and I think he's being slippery!'Then you tell mum about his ridiculous demands that he made at the supermarket.Mum will understand and you can find out of she knew all along or if he is just trying to promote a low-life gesture to hurt and upset your mum.If your mum says :I'll be glad to see the back of him. He is nothing but selfish trouble , but you certainly don't have to live with him because you can just carry on living with me as usual!'Then you'll know that mum has seen a way forwards.But to not tell her is a bit like letting her drive a car when you know the brakes don't work!If mum knows what's going on she can file for a divorce etc and generally boot him out of the house at the first opportunity.But if she cried and says it's a night made you can sympathise with her and tell her that she's gonna be ok.I don't think you should have to be an accomplice in his affair.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 February 2021):
 OP, I am really sorry that your father has put you in this situation. My heart cries for you. I have 2 children and I would have never wanted them to be involved with something like this. I know you are hurt and confused and wondering what to do. It really burns me up that your dad laid all of this on you and then basically threatened you to not tell your mother. I know he's your father and I don't have the right to judge him but he's not being a good father by acting the way he is.
I know it will take strength from you but if I were you, I would tell him straight up "Dad do not involve me in this. It isn't fair and I don't want to be in the middle". Whether or not you tell your mother is up to you. I guess it depends on how close you are to her? Your dad is crazy thinking he can hide this and when your mom does find out, he's screwed because he's cheating! Also you are old enough that you can chose which parent you want to live with so don't let him try to frighten you into thinking that you have no choice.
I'm really sorry sweetie. This sucks. Your father is living in a fantasy world right now, but reality will come crashing down and possibly too late he will realize what he is giving up. All you can do is take care of yourself and be kind to your mother. This could be a real shock to her.
If you do chose to tell your mother there really isn't a good time to be honest. Maybe you can start out by asking her if everything is ok with her and your dad? Then go from there. Most women have a 6th sense and they know when something is wrong, but its very possible she knows more than you might think. She's your mom so even if what you say hurts her I believe she will try to comfort you as well.
Good luck sweetie. I'm truly sorry that you are caught in such an awful situation. Do you have counselors at school that you could talk to? Church members? Any of these people you should be able to confide in and they would be discreet.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (28 February 2021):
 I think its really selfish of your dad to even involve you in this.
He is the cheater here, and his young mistress knows this all to well. If he leaves your Mum and starts up with Rachael it will be a relationship built on lies, and these type of relationships more often than not never last.
Your Dad is risking throwing away a hell of a lot, on something that potentially could fall flat on its face. Then he will be left with nothing.
He has placed a huge weight on your shoulders, especially taking into consideration your young age, you don't need this burden, this is so wrong of your Dad to do this.
I know you feel like you want to tell your Mum, and to be honest that's up to you whether you do or not. Again your Dad telling you there will be huge consequences if you do is really quite a controlling thing to say.
Cheats never prosper, and always get found out in the end. If this girl is as young and good looking and successful as you say she is my guess is she won't be around your dad for too long, especially as he is lying left right and center. How could she ever trust him further down the line.
I think your old enough now to tell your Dad you don't want to be a part of this, and this is what i think you should do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2021): Tell your mom so she can lawyer up or he will leave you with nothing.Your dad is a ah for doing this to you.Protect you and your mom tell her.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 February 2021):
 I'm sorry your feckless father has put you in this position. It says a lot about him as a person, none of which is admirable.
Although there are never any guarantees with relationships, there are a few things to consider here.
Firstly, there is a saying which is very true: "get them by cheating, lose them to cheating". Your dad's mistress will never be 100% sure of him because she knows he is a cheater. If they do move in together, whenever he is out of her sight, there will be a niggling little doubt inside her head about where he is and what he is up to. Don't for a minute assume their life together will be a bed of roses because there are likely to be far more thorns than flowers.
Secondly, just because this rich young woman is single does not excuse her part in this affair. She knows your dad is married but still carries on dating him. It takes two to have an affair. She MAY be rich (I say "may" because you only have your dad's word for it) but she obviously has low self esteem and a dodgy moral compass if the best she can do is a middle aged married man. I would seriously wonder if the attraction is that your dad is currently "forbidden fruit". Once the relationship is out in the open, I suspect she may get bored pretty quickly and move on to her next challenge.
When it comes to living arrangements, you need to decide for yourself where you want to live. I really cannot see his bit of fluff being happy about gaining a lodger who is only 10 years younger than her. I mean, your presence in her home would hardly be conducive to their romance.
It is not your place to tell your mum. Firstly, because it is not you who is having the affair and, secondly, because your dad may yet chicken out of leaving her. There are far more people having affairs than actually leaving their spouses and the longer the affair goes on, the less likely he is to leave, because he will realize he can "have his cake and eat it". If he does tell your mum he is leaving and it comes out that you knew, you can say something like "I knew but I didn't want to hurt you by telling you. Also I hoped he would change his mind. None of that means I approved." Hopefully your mum will understand why you didn't want to be the bearer of bad news.
As I said, there are never any guarantees with relationships. However, if I had to make a prediction for this particular one, I would split my money equally between it going on indefinitely, with your dad not actually telling your mum, fizzling out before your dad actually confronts your mum and, thirdly, between the young bit of stuff getting bored with your dad pretty quickly once she has him full time. Lack of trust because she knows he is a cheater will not help with a long term relationship either.
At your age you can stand up to your father and refuse to get involved in his shenanigans. You are within your rights to tell him you do not want anything more to do with his mistress if you don't feel comfortable being in her presence.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2021):
 I think it was very unfair of your dad to drag you into HIS mess. This is 100% his mess - NOT yours. Not your fault either, remember that.
Your dad is unhappy with himself but is projecting all that negativity onto his wife (your mom) because it's easier.
As for whether your dad and his mistress will work out long term, who knows? A LOT of relationships that started out as affairs don't work out long term. Some do.
If I were you I'd tell your dad to STOP involving you in this. You don't want to be caught in the middle and you don't want to hurt your mom. He can't MAKE you live with him after the divorce (if he divorces) You are 16 so you probably WILL have a say where you get to live.
There is never a "right time" to tell someone their spouse is cheating. In your case your dad. But you might also feel awful because you keep silent. There is no right answer here. If you can't bring yourself to telling her, then don't. But you CAN tell your dad that you don't want to hear about Rachel and his affair.
As for the whole "underwear" thing. I think it's partially true. Rachel doesn't live with your dad full time, she only sees him for dates and fun things they do together - it's easy for her to "ignore that he is married and have a lot of baggage" FOR now. It's different when you have to live together. Whereas a wife of many years have gotten used to living with their husband and all the little "nasty" things he might do (like leaving old socks, underwear on the floor because HE is used to his wife picking up after him) that might not be an issue in a long marriage... but it might be for a younger woman who will realize that the guy she is dating is quite who she thought he was. And he might come to realize that the younger woman is WAY more demanding on his time and attention than the wife was.
There are no rules set in stone for how it works out.
Also, your dad will be throwing away HIS social circle, I don't think you will lose the friends YOU have over HIS choices. Neither will your mom.
I'm sorry he has put you in the middle here. Pretty unfair of him.
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