A
female
age
26-29,
*rixie66
writes:So my fiancé said something to me the other day that I can’t stop thinking about. I was just checking in to see if he was happy in our relationship because he doesn’t seem as into me (we have been together almost 2 years) and spends a lot of time on his phone, he’s open about showing me what he’s doing on his phone so I trust that he’s not up to anything bad.But at first he said he was really happy, nothing was wrong and he wasn’t bored because otherwise we would have broken up by now. Yet I asked why, in his previous relationship where he and his ex argued like cat and dog and it sometimes got physical, did he stay in the relationship until she ended it, not the other way around.He told me it’s because he enjoyed the drama of the relationship and the feeling that he could “fix” her and the excitement of rekindling. He then said with me, it’s plateaued (“but that’s not a bad thing”) because I don’t give him any drama, we rarely argue and if we do it’s resolved pretty quickly which makes him happy but because he isn’t getting the drama with me, he’s getting into Facebook debates with random people over different topics on Facebook, and that’s why he’s spending more time on his phone rather than talking to me.I don’t know whether or not that is a back handed compliment on his part or his way of saying he’s bored, let’s go our separate ways. He doesn’t tell the truth about these things and it’s only when I probe him and probe him that the truth comes out and it makes me quite worried. So what if he’s not happy at all and he’s lying about that too?I have tried to have the conversation with him about me feeling worried that he’s not happy and he rolls his eyes and tells me I’m paranoid and have nothing to worry about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2021): Typo corrections:
"Remember when you used to text and talk all night until the sun came-up?"
"You're too tired to think, let alone to discuss if the relationship is boring!"
"Don't drag other people into the structural-dynamics of your relationship; because each and every person you're with are individuals with their own distinct personality, character-flaws, attributes, habits, and quirks."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2021): You reach a point in all long-term established-relationships that things get a little routine, predictable, complacent, and just plain ordinary.
You're past the "honeymoon stage." When you used to sit-up all night chit-chatting between devices, or having pillow-talk; after tearing-off each-other's clothes before mad passionate sex, or sitting on the couch cuddling all lovey-dovey and whatever. You're in a state of calm, peaceful-domestication; and you will get pretty used to being around each-other after awhile. You can not always be the center of attention. The novelty wears-off!
Covid-confinement has kept everyone cooped-up and nearly smothering each-other; so a little communication with outsiders might be warranted for the purpose of maintaining some sanity.
If he decides he likes a little lively debate about a specific topic; that is not the same as having a row with your partner. If he liked arguing with his ex, it does not follow that he has to like arguing with YOU!
If he hasn't ended the engagement, or suddenly moved-out, you're okay.
What exactly do you want to talk about? Who wants to sit around discussing what's wrong with the relationship and/or being criticized? There's a time and a place for it, but it's not particularly entertaining. If it's about politics or current-affairs; he probably already knows your opinion and ideology about a lot of things, after being together for the past two years. You sometimes just need to socialize outside of your closed-circle of connections; or travel outside of your usual orbit.
If you are focused too much on the relationship...yes, my dear, that's boring! Guys don't get much into that kind of emotional, and potentially volatile, conversation. Sometimes guys just want to discuss really stupid stuff; that would have you rolling your eyes so far back in your head you can see your cerebellum. Sometimes you want to investigate or survey more than a familiar point of view, you wonder what other people think? That's getting pretty scary these days! Sometimes I really don't wanna know!
When asked questions like you asked him, sometimes guys are not good at "splaining;" or tend to "mansplain." Which either over-simplifies, or says too much of nothing. Just say enough to appear to be engaged in conversation...while wondering what exactly is it leading upto?
Mostly it's offering an evasive-response, while dodging a heated issue. Basically, because he knows you've got something stuck in your gizzard; and you're asking trick-questions that can trigger an explosion, if he gives the wrong answer!!! Sometimes it's a trap. Too much of that will make people avoid conversations and discussions with you.
Nobody likes be grilled or cross-examined by their partners! When you're cornering him into answering loaded-questions you already know the answers to; he knows you're spoiling for an argument. This is why most guys avoid having really deep conversations with their girlfriends, fiances, or wives. It's a little different for wives; because your marriage could be on the line, and that is far more serious. You can dump a fiance, boyfriend, or girlfriend; when the relationship gets too toxic or problematic! It's a lot more complicated with a spouse.
Sometimes you just get tired of talking to the same person all the time. Over the course of several years, you've covered just about everything. Remember when you used text and talk all night until the sun came-up. That's time served! Then there are random times when you're both regular little chatterboxes, and you talk each-others ears off! Especially after a few drinks, or whatever people smoke or snort. Sometimes you're a captive audience, forced to listen to somebody vent...but you nod with understanding and try to be supportive. Most of it's going in one ear and out the other. You too tired to think, let alone to discuss if the relationship is boring.
News flash, it gets boring. That's normal! It's better than fighting. If he says he likes drama so much, then why is she an ex? I think he used the wrong word when she said he liked the drama, I think a more appropriate terminology would have been "passion."
Don't compare your relationship to his or your past relationships! That's asking for trouble. To put it bluntly, it makes no sense! That's absurd! His or your past-relationships and what you did with other people is none of each-other's business!!! Stay in the present, and deal with yours!
Why are you comparing who you are to his ex? Is there a running competition? Aren't you and she two unique individuals? Don't drag other people into the structural-dynamics of your relationship; because each and every person you're with are individuals with their on distinct personality, character-flaws, attributes, habits, and quirks. He didn't ask her to marry him!
You've been together awhile, and things tend to settle-down. You'll have spurts and lulls.
If you get along, you still miss each-other when you're apart, and sometimes you're a little dull. That's normal. If you've both been closed-up and cramped together due to covid-19; he's just connecting with the outside world, and avoiding questions about the relationship that he can't run away from. Sometimes people "talk at" each-other, when talking to their partners. Nobody's really listening, they just want to be heard; or they've always got a grocery-list of complaints. That's a put-off! It's nice to talk to somebody you don't live with 24/7! When you're tired of talking to them, you can just hang-up or sign-out!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2021): Honest answer? You are both too young to get married. And I suggest he grows up and grows as a person before he settles down with you or anyone else. He is not ready to be committed to one woman for life. And if you marry him, you will see down the line that he will become bored enough with you to do something stupid but by then you will have a marriage contract binding you as well as children. You are too young to be tied down and acting like a comfortable, old married couple and you are not even married yet. I cannot see it getting any better. Only worse. You seem insecure about him and have valid concerns and reservations. Is he going to change? I doubt it. You have to seriously think about whether you are both compatible long term. Marriage is not some title that guarantees a happy ending. It is hard work. And if you feel the excitement has worn off him already (and maybe you? Be honest) then it is time to rethink things. You can stay together and see how it goes. No rush to jump into marriage. It really is not the be all and end all in life. I suggest you find some new interests on your own. Improve yourself. Don't put all your eggs in his basket. Be happy with you. Do not rely on him to do that. Be confident in what you have to offer, no matter what he thinks or does.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 February 2021):
 I think I get where you are coming from.
Your fiance likes drama and had that in spades with his ex. They didn't work out and HE chose a "less dramatic" - I'd even say more stable GF (you). So in order to STILL get some drama in his life, he gets online to get drama from random people.
At some point, you think he might want more DRAMA (so to speak) and it will spill over from Facebook arguments to real-life kind of drama?
I think you have a valid point. That he RATHER sit and argue with RANDOM strangers online THAN pay attention to you, spend time with you, talk to you. It would tell me that he is not fulfilled entirely in his relationship with you. While I DO think he LIKES that you are LOW drama and less of a hassle to live with, it seems like the "DRAMA" is higher on his list of priorities.
I have to ask, do YOU need this kind of "drama" in your life?
Can you see yourself having a family with him, while you are busy raising kids, he is busy having absolutely UNIMPORTANT arguments with random stranger?
I think you need to focus a bit less on what HE might be thinking or feeling and more on how YOU feel about what is going on.
To me, he sounds kind of immature.
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