A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm pretty sure my dad is in a psychologically abusive relationship (as far as I'm aware of) and I don't know what to do. He has been with her for 15 years. They met when I was already an adult, off at college 1500 miles away so I've had minimal interaction with them except for short visits once or twice a year. I always noticed certain dysfunctional things when I'd visit. One time I visited and I asked my dad if he could take me to my favorite restaurant. He said of course. She was moody and very rude the entire dinner. Taking digs at the restaurant and acting annoyed that she had to be there. Like a child having a tantrum. I later figured out that she was mad because she didn't get to choose the restaurant. The conditions she has set in the relationship is that she has to choose and have control over everything. And if she doesn't get her way she acts like an infant in her terrible two's. My dad was a family man. Liked entertaining family and friends. Our house was always welcoming. Since he has been with her he lives in total isolation. My sister and I are barely allowed to visit and he prohibits family or friends to come over. It's bizarre. When confronted he gets defensive and makes up a justification for it like, "you're an adult now, get a life of your own." He has stopped spending holidays with his family. We used to always spend holidays together, Christmas, Thanksgiving. Since she has been in the picture he avoids the holidays or even bringing up the subject. If brought up, he gets annoyed or ignores me altogether. And acts like I'm ridiculous. When I started digging deeper to try to understand what was going on with him I uncovered some disturbing facts about their relationship. She is very controlling. She controls everything from right down to what he buys at the grocery store. She controls how he spends his money. He is not "allowed" to spend money unless she approves it. By the way they both have their own seperate finances and are both comfortably wealthy so it's not that there's a financial issue. It's pure control out of some deluded lunatic view on how a relationship works. He only does the things she wants to do. They watch on tv what she wants to watch. They go out to dinner where she wants to go. They vacation where she wants. She has complete control over every action and aspect of his life. And should he "dare" to digress she uses manipulative tactics, brooding, acting crazy, withdrawing affection, in order to keep him in line and catering to all her whims. It's so dysfunctional and sad. When asked, he says he is so happy. Meanwhile I found out he's been taking anti depressants for the past six years. I know he is not happy. It's such an oppressive life to live. I just don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): If you really think your dads life is a living hell and he has no one to confide in then you will have to call social services and let them know he is a vulnerable older person and ask if they can check on him!They will do this and assess the situation.It may be that he is glad for their intervention and they may be able to offer him access to older people community clubs and events, perhaps even a flat if he desperately wants to break free from his partner.Social services will not hold a grudge on you if you have misread the situation.Better to be safe than sorry.But if you have got it all wrong it may be difficult confessing up to your father that it was you who referred him.You can ask social services to keep the referal anonymous and you could visit less if you find that you are worrying unnecessarily.Good Luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): I'm in the abuse camp as my (male) partner of 5 years went through a similar experience with his ex. It only ended when she went off with someone else. I think a lot of people find it hard to accept that any man would subject himself to mental abuse as men should supposedly "man-up" and stand up for themselves but if we accept that men and women are the same then we have to acknowledge that female to male abuse IS possible. I know many people just don't.I would probably have not, had I not heard first hand what my partner went through.Whatever we like to call it everyone's response is the same. That you can't do anything about it. HE has to do something about it and he can't/won't.It must be heartbreaking to watch your father treated in this way. I get upset when my partner tells me about his past and how unhappy he was.I will say though that you may have the possibility of helping him one day.I dont know about your laws but in the UK if you aren't married you are not someone's next of kin and if your father's health was to deteriorate you would have control over what happens to him, not her. In the US your laws maybe different though.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 October 2016):
 I can see you are at your wits end, but sweetie realistically there is nothing you can do. Your dad needs to be the one to make changes if he wants to. I understand why you are worried honestly I do, it is hard to sit back and watch but you have no choice, the more you interfere the worse it will be on yourself as you will get the blame.
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A
male
reader, DarrellG  +, writes (4 October 2016):
 All I will say is that if the OP was describing the same situation but it was her mother I think the responses would be radically different.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): I'm the op. Thanks for the responses. I appreciate all the perspectives. As for the debate on whether this is abusive or not, I personally think it is. It's possible he is happy, I just don't believe so. It's a gut feeling. I'm not being intolerant to their lifestyle. I've been nothing but tolerant and accepting toward her and my dad. She, on the other hand, has not been. I accept that they have a life of their own, in their daily routine. But she has never accepted that my dad and I too had a life before her. I rarely visit them and when I do, she cannot happily make an exception to go to a restaurant that I want without causing a scene about it? There are 365 days in a year, 362 of them she gets to do and go wherever she wants. Three days out of a year, that I visit, and pull her out of her routine, and she can't handle that? She acts rude and annoyed because she did not get her way? That's not normal. That's controlling behaviour and controlling behaviour is abusive. My dad used to love going to the bookstore to buy books. He works hard for his money. He should be able to buy himself whatever he wants. We're not talking about a Ferrari. Simply a book! He can no longer buy books because she thinks it's a waste of money. And of course if he continued to do it he would be defying her and all hell would break loose. Nobody in a relationship should have that much control over another person. How is him buying himself a book hurting her? How is his daughter visiting and choosing a restaurant to dine out at, hurting her? It shouldn't! This isn't normal. It's insane.My dad is afraid to confront her because confronting her means all hell will break loose. So to keep the peace and the "natural balance" of things (which is not natural at all) she must get her way or else there will be hell to pay. I've seen her tantrums. She's vicious and nutty. And she doesn't throw a tantrum for a reasonable offence. It's simply because she didn't get her way whatever that may be. That's not normal. Normal people do not behave that way. Healthy minded adults do not throw tantrums over not getting their way. Infants do that. I'm certain she does not have a sound mind. And I know my dad accedes to her in order to avoid her viciousness. That's not normal. It's abusive. It might be a case of Stockholm syndrome. I've also noticed a case of folies à deux, where my dad has adopted as his own and as "standards" a lot of her lunacies. I know my dad. Known him for 34 years. I KNOW what my dad is like. He's changed big time. He is doing things he would never do. What scares me is that my dad has been with her so long that he thinks this is normal. I know this is abuse. I just don't know what to do...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 October 2016):
 I'm in the "he's a grown man" camp.
My dad met a woman like your father's partner shortly after my mom died. It was hard for us to watch him be "bullied" to live in a certain place, and wear certain clothes, and vacation in certain places. Her money was hers to do with as she pleased and his was his to do with as he pleased. He "pleased" to spend it on her. His money his choice. He's gone now, I don't like her but I keep in touch with her to honor my father's wishes that we treat her with the respect a partner of 20 years deserves (that and she still lives in his house as per his will)
My son is 30 and married about 18 months. His wife is the one in charge. He works full time, he does the shopping and the cooking. They live where SHE wants and he does what she wishes. He spoils her rotten emotionally. but she loves him and he loves her and it's not my call to say he's "pw'd" which he is but he's a grown man and able to make his own choices and he's happy.
My own situation is similar. My husband is emotionally more needy than I am full of social anxiety (much like my DIL) and as such, he determines where we go, who we see and what we do as is HIS comfort level. I love him and defer to his needs by choice. As for money, I also defer to his "rules" because he is a much better money manager than I am and because of him I am out of debt and able to do things I could not do before he became the one in charge of our money".
We both in the last year have started on anti-depressants and they are huge help in coping.
I truly get why you are unhappy and feel that dad is being manipulated and abused. But I agree that he does not sound like he's being taken advantage of. It sounds more like he has found a good fit for him and his life now works the way he needs it to for him. It's hard to watch our parents change and move on. Harder still is watching our children do it. But it happens.
What YOU see as oppressive and dysfunctional he sees as a happy controlled life. It's not your call to determine if his life is happy or not. While YOU would not be happy with his life, he is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): Where is your mum in all this? Does she still see dad!I sense oposition to his current partner and i wonder why?Has this woman really been with him for 15 years and just now on the basis of one recent linkup you have decided that she is psychologically abusing him! How close are you to dad? Have you been remembering his birthday and sending him cards for xmas and what did you get him for xmas?Have you been funding dad when he's broke?Been phoning him every day to see how he is?Been telling him your news good and bad?Been making plans with him and not for him?Bought him any nice clothes recently?Ran his bath for him?Paid his bills for him?Listened to his worries?Laughed with him?Cried with him?Know his medical health and who his doctor is?Gone to see specialists when he gets referrals?Spent time with him when he's broke??No, its very unlikely so im wondering if the lady in question is maybe the wrong kind of colour for him!I know it can be difficult for some people to accept multicultural relationships especially if the concept is very new to them and people have all kinds of reasons to complain, including the way they hold their knife and fork, but have you ever considered that your dads relationship might just work for him and that he is sticking by his woman no matter what muck is flung in his face!Its difficult for everyone but dad has his reasons, as do you, for wanting to break his relationship up!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): yes i agree with wise owl and why not?Dad has actua!ly moved on and he may be taking anti depressants for something that is not related to his relationship!He's been with her for 15years and doesnt need rescuing!They may even have a code of their own that gets them out of onerous engagements without going into details of other commitments.ie she throws an unseemly tantrum and he mutters "Ive got to calm her down! " and then they clear off to watch that film they waited all week for.If it was your relationship and he was poking his nose in then i would tell him to leave you alone.So i would just leave dad to his own life because you dont want dad moping around your house 24/7 saying she was the only woman who could put up with his funny ways and there will never be anyone else like her!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 October 2016):
 It seems the jury is going to be split on this - I second WiseOwlE opinion.
Let's start from the bottom though. Even if your father were emotionally abused, there's not much you could do , since , not only he did not ask for your support, but he basically ordered you to butt out by inviting you to get your own life- whch is a very strong thing for a father to say, so , either influenced or by his own will, he signaled he resents or would resent your attempts to change his lifestyle and relationship. So, your hands are tied.
There's good news though, which is that it's at least quite possible that the way you see his situation is not the way he sees it.
If you are in your early 30s, it is quite reasonable to assume that your father is not a frail , confused octuagenarian fallen into the clutches of some greedy young bimbo. They probably are a couple in their early 60s, or late 50s- supposedly perfectly capable to make their choices and live with them voluntarily with mutual satisfaction.
How do you know that this is not just the way he likes it ?
Some things that you find disturbing are such maybe from your point of view, but not from that of an established couple, married or not.
I think it's normal that they should discuss and agree about major purchases, - she's got her own income and her own financial means, so I don't think you can accuse her of wanting to hoard resources in her own favour. But that's what most couples normally do. You don't just go out and buy a grand piano to occupy half of your living room if your partner can't stand music. You do not plunk thousands on a purebred dog if your partner does not like dogs. You don't by yourself a Ferrari ( supposing you've got the money ) if you partner is scared stiff of fast cars.
Yeah, being part of a couple brings limitations to what you can do, spend, save etc. And that's why there are also people who CHOOSE to stay single.But those who don't choose singletude, are , most of the times, happy to trade part of their freedom , financial freedom included , in exchange for other advantages they get from being part of a couple.
Ditto for the daily life choices. Sure, maybe she is a bit bossy. She is not shy in asserting her preferences .Maybe she is one of those persons who always know just exactly what they want in terms of everything, food, music, travels, etc.- which can be either admirable or annoying, according to individual points of views.
But I think it's quite possible that your father simply does not mind. I doubt she would FORCE him to watch horror movies if he is afraid of blood,or to drink only tea if he favours coffee. Probably your dad is not very sanguine about any of these issues where he lets her be in charge. Probably he is perfectly capable of putting his foot down ; only, he does not see it necessary when dealing with menial stuff like what News channel to watch. If she's happy he's happy. That's not necessarily being
" emotionally abused "- or not even , to say it vulgarly , pussywhipped. This is being an easy going, sensible guy who does not sweat the small stuff.
And the fact of becoming more insular, more self sufficient, ditching social obligations and family reunions ? ah that may be very possibly a by product of age. At a certain point you realize that your time on earth is not unlimited, and that you want to live what's left pleasing yourself, not pleasing other people. I know that from young until mid 40s I used to do a lot of social stuff that my heart was not really into. Like, tons of birthday parties of colleagues and aquantainces and social connections which I would have gladly skipped , only I was afraid to be rude and to rub people the wrong way, and that then they would not have come to MY birthdays... fast forward a few years, now I do my birthdays MY way , which generally is by leaving alone ( occasionally with friends, but tbh, alone I like it better !) for some European capital, and celebrating offering myself a special treat in a special place. Sheer bliss :)
It may be that your dad has become a bit selfish with age- but selfish is not synonimous of abused. I think there is at least a distinct possibility that he is just managing his life the way he likes it.
I think you are struggling a bit with the fear that you are not anymore Number One in your dad's heart, and you feel that she is taking too much space.
Which is true and false at the same time. I think that for the average dad his kid will always come first - when it's important , when it counts : illness, accidents, crisis - you first. But for his daily life- he likes his routine with his woman. After all, it's 15 years he has chosen her - and he stayed. Since he is capable to get out of a relationship to start another one, I would assume that if he stays in this relationship it must not be against his will. He must have weighted pros and cons, and decided that , since nobody is perfect, this woman has cons... but he can live with them.
That you could not live the same way with your partner.... have some trust in your dad, and some tolerance, and some respect for his choices. You don't mention anywhere that he is a feeble minded, vulnerable old codger- so don't be so quick to jump to conclusions and decide that he is being mistreated just because he lives his life and relationship in a way which is not the one you'd choose for yourself.
Of course, as a doting daughter, you'll be always ready to assist, listen, and advise if HE asks you , if HE decides to share with you any relationship woes. But if he does not- no please, do not try to put a wedge between him and his lady , or to try and fix what you have no evidence that's broken.
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (3 October 2016):
I have to disagree with WiseOwl quite vigerously on this one. He may well be 'happy' and even say he is and mean it but that doesnt mean he actually is and in these situations someone looking from the outside is often a better objective judge than the person in the relationship themselves because victims of abuse do often not only accept their abuse but welcome it - its called Stockholm Syndrome and there are numerous examples of people who are kidnapped and confined actually falling in love with their captors. Similar dynamics can and often do apply in abusive relationships. That being the case the OP as a loved one has every right to apoint herself as yes, an interested and somewhat biased party but I have no doubt she is motivated by all the right reasons. However, what she can actually do is limited, I do agree there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2016): It's very sad but I was in an emotionally abusive marriage like your father's relationship is many years ago so I can give you some insight.My marriage didn't start abusive but my ex always liked his own way. I'm quite easy going, kind hearted and a people pleaser. I also lack confidence and somewhat gullible. I had a close family and lots of friends which he didn't. Over time he started messing with my head and slowly poisoning my mind against everyone I knew. He hated all my friends, was constantly critical of them and said they were talking behind my back (they weren't). If my dad offered to help with the garden then "he was interfering", my mum offered to help with the shopping then she was "trying to control me" and I hate confrontation so it was easier in the beginning to not see so much of people. Of course as time went on he ramped up the complaining to the point where if I saw one of my family he wouldn't speak to me for days. Can you imagine what that's like when you live with someone? It's easier to cut people off completely which is their end goal. He was always critical of everything I thought or liked and he controlled where I went and what money I could spend as though I was a child which is kind of what you become, dependent on them. It's easier to go along with it because the punishment, although not physical, is so hard to deal with mentally.I started having panic attacks and was diagnosed with depression. I knew my marriage wasn't right I just didn't have the courage to walk away. If people tried to talk to me about my situation I'd get very defensive because I blamed myself and felt it was all my fault. No-one would have been able to convince me otherwise.It took me some years to really recognise what was going on but in the end I summoned up the confidence to walk out.Unfortunately there's really not much you can do as ultimately it's your father's choice to live this way. Only he can change things and he isn't at the point of wanting to or being able to. I was in my 20s but your father is in his 60s/70s and probably doesn't want to start again or be alone. This life is preferable to him. I can understand your despair but if you interfere you will be sidelined and cut off. You can't rescue someone unless they want to be rescued and your father isn't at that point yet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2016): It sounds like the relationship is exactly the way your dad wants it. You call it dysfunctional, but your father is a grown-man, and unless he is legally proven incompetent; I think he is totally in agreement to the terms of his relationship.
Seems to me he likes someone in-charge. You say they both have individual wealth; so it isn't a matter of her stealing from him. She manages his spending and does the budgeting. So what? Sounds like reversed roles to me.
Is he starving, denied essentials, held locked away in a room against his will?
When you approached him about things, he told you to get your own life. In short, to mind your own business. Well, that sounds like someone content with the way things are going. Unless he offers you something more concrete to substantiate your suspicions; you are simply meddling in his relationship.
Anything falling short of solid proof of abusive treatment causing your father emotional or physical distress has to be considered simply your opinion, and your dislike for the partner he has chosen.
Sounds like your father prefers his partner to be a take-charge woman, and it is perfectly okay with him. Her pouting and manipulation, as you perceive it, seems to come with the package.
It seems your father has "chosen" a new lifestyle; and he has found himself a mate who's strong, willful, and controls him.
Taking antidepressants doesn't prove his chosen partner is at fault. Not having all the details about his medical/mental-health; you are speculating on their relationship being the cause. Your father may have other diagnosed medical disorders she has not shared, perhaps because he doesn't want her to. He may not want you to know any such details; because they are private, and it is up to him to inform you. It is not her fault he has not.
He says he is happy, so who are you to decide otherwise?
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (3 October 2016):
Well everything you say here does suggest you are right and your Dad is in an, at least, emotionally abusive relationship. As to what you can do, that is very difficult to answer. Your Dad has been in this relationship a long time and although I am totally sure you are right that he isnt happy, the short-term effects of withdrawing him from that system of control, which he may well have become psycholically dependent on, will be traumatic, to say the least. You also cant force him since your both grown adults and besides he has to want to do this for himself in any case because if he doesnt then it wont work. It seems you are not getting very far with him but that maybe because you are directly confronting him. I am sure he knows you are right but perhaps because he has the above mentioned dependancy he doesnt want to admit it - so, I think you need to start boxing a deal more clever, for example, instead of maybe saying "why doesnt she let you do that...." say "wouldnt you like to be able to do that" or "we really miss you spending time with us". Breaking her control wont be easy and will take time but I guess my main advice would be to be more subtle in your approach and box clever to gradually win him away and build him up to a point where he feels empowered to leave for himself. Good luck :)
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