A
male
age
41-50,
*exasheart
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. She is 23, I am 30. She has loved me very genuinely since almost the beginning. Very sweet, good-hearted, supportive, loving woman, who has expressed that she sees herself marrying me. We are a great match, we have a lot of fun together and mutual respect. Anyway, I love her very much, although I have had some problems: There have been many times when I have been critical of her, angry at her when she does things I see as a threat (like going out dancing with girl friends), critical of her choices... Still, she has been very loving to me, though she has been hurt. I have been seeing a therapist and very recently have figured out why I do some of those negative things... It is mostly related to how my mother is, and what she instilled in me... lack of trust in others, and almost paranoid fear of perceived threats. It is also related to my last serious relationship several years ago, with a woman who convinced me I was not attractive enough and a bad lover, though I know now it was not true. So, my self-esteem has been low and I have been very fearful that my current girlfriend will leave me. I over-react when I perceive threats. And I project my bad feelings about myself onto her, criticizing her. NOW, I finally understand how this works and why. NOW, I am changing.. I want to be supportive of her, I want to encourage her, I want to love her and treat her the way she should be treated. However, recently, she started a new job that is exciting and positive, and she is appreciated and supported... and she has started becoming aware of the toll that my negativity and criticism has had on her. It has caused her to doubt herself, feel bad about herself, and she has wounds and hurt because of it. She says she absolutely still loves me, but she is conflicted about what to do because she has realized the harm I have caused, and she is questioning whether we are really a great match anymore. I understand this, and I want to do whatever it takes to repair the damage that has been done and show her I will be supportive and encouraging and loving now and in the future. She deserves to be loved properly and I am certain I can and will do that if given the chance. I want to marry this woman. Please tell me: How can we heal the past wounds that have been built up, and how can I get her to accept my commitment to change? She is distant and unsure at the moment, and I'm scared she may be slipping away. She has been in love with me for years, I love her deeply, I know we are great for each other... Please help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, texasheart +, writes (16 August 2009):
texasheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNew insight:
When we fell in love a few years ago, some of the things I loved about her included how funny and silly she'd get after a few drinks, how ambitious and hard working she was, how sexy she was. I appreciated those things.
At that time, I was confident, could get silly after a few drinks, was social and happy.
For unknown reasons, I gradually became more depressed and negative. I have a history of depression, so I guess it just happened. And I became apathetic or critical of the things I initially appreciated and loved about her. My depression made me lose sight of those things. My depression also made me withdraw (be less confident and social). So I was no longer excited and showing appreciation for the things I loved about her-- her, being herself. I was apathetic or critical. And I was no longer the man she fell in love with, being insecure and not socially active.
Now I have been seeking help and making real changes to recover. I have been exercising, eating better, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. I am reaching out to others, connecting with people, creating social activity. My self-esteem and confidence are slowly growing. I am getting back to the man she fell in love with, and I am feeling more appreciative (rather than threatened) by the woman she always was and is.
SO... I have not discussed any of this with her. We're still the same people who fell in love with each other... I just slipped into darkness that tainted it pretty bad. She doesn't understand it. But I am told by people I should respect her space and not contact her for at least several weeks.
What do you think I ought to do? She's gotta see what happened, and that I'm getting back to being the guy she was smitten with, and who was smitten with her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Hey well please update us if you get some good news, ok?
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male
reader, texasheart +, writes (13 August 2009):
texasheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, SY. I am indeed insecure, have trust issues, and am working on those things. Unfortunately she will probably be moving to this city soon to pursue job opportunities. Long-distance, I'm sure being her friend wouldn't work, as she would not be able to see me in person, smell me, feel my sincerity. As I said, I'd move there for her... but that would be very weird if she and I were barely friends! or would that be an amazing romantic show of fighting for the love of my life?.. I am a little tempted to make such a grand gesture, take that chance.. but I suppose it would likely not work :( Anyhow, I feel I've lost the greatest thing I've known, and the painful void that leaves is damn near unbearable. BUT- I can't argue with logic. We've sorted it out here and the verdict is... Nothing I can do about it, but let it be. Thank you again everyone, especially SY.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Then prehaps you are insecure. Have you tried to work on that as well? You seem to have trust issues also, maybe from a previous relationship? Have you tried to work on that?
She may be losing herself.. I hope not. I hope she will not become addicted to this.
I suppose all you CAN do is give her the space she asked for. She will decide if she thinks the relationship is worth the downfalls to her. And if she decides not, then the realistic advice you asked for is to let it be. What can you really do at that point? Maybe if you continue to be friends with her, then further down the road, she will want to give it another try. But during all this out-of-town working is probably not the best time.
You've done what you can I guess. Hopefuly for you, she will believe in your sincereity.
I'm afraid that's all i've got left to offer you , but I do applaud your dedication and attempts at changing, along with your self-realization.
If she has met another man, then my guess is it isn't something that will last; a fling. My best wishes go out to you..
~Sy.
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male
reader, texasheart +, writes (13 August 2009):
texasheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSY, you bring up a very good point. She has never been one for low-cut tops or super-sexy clothing... but when there is any significant cleavage I have made remarks. And she is not the type to want to go out to bars and clubs every weekend (or more), but on the occasions that she does, I have been judgmental. She does enjoy social drinking and dancing on occasion, maybe once or twice a month would be ideal for her. And I am actually fine with that, though not much of a drinker or clubber myself. More often than not, she really does enjoy cuddling and watching TV, baking, going out to restaurants, movies, playing board games, strolling through downtown window shopping. It just so happens that in this internship job, she lives in a building full of 20-24 year olds who go out or hold parties all the time. I think it's just situational... all her roommates are going out, she stays home often but also sometimes goes along with them. It's there, it's available, literally everyone around her is doing that sort of this... the temporary internship is like a letting-loose college party vacation, and I don't blame her for taking part. Honestly, if it were me in a similar situation, I'd probably do the same (even though, like her, I normally don't prefer doing those things on a regular basis). The difference is, she's laid back about it, whereas I am fearful and judgmental about it. So... I think you brought up a really good point. I do think we are compatible, though. The problem is that I have been so bitter critical about those behaviors because I don't trust the promiscuous college party/bar atmosphere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): Well, it sounds to me as if you are taking all the guilt and blame for "makeing her feel bad" in the past. But to me, it sounds reasonable. I think you're being too had on yourself. Look at it like this:
She has lots of friends, male and female, who like to wear the same lowcut shirts and drink at the same parties and bars as she does, so they obviously condone her behaviour. They are fit for her and pass no criticism because they are in compliance.
My husband, is like you. He doesn't want me to do any of those things but you know what? It works. Yes, he would make me feel bad for wearing a revealing top and yes, he would be absolutely horrified if i went out drinking at some party with a bunch of guys around. But it's ok.. because I don't do those things. I never have, and I would never want him to either.
You're not judging her on what she does. You simply have a different set of values/morals/standards/veiws on what's acceptable and what's not.
She think it's ok and you don't. I'm guessing you would rather go out to a restaurant or stay in and watch a movie, make her dinner. etc. but she would rather go to a club or party? Well how do you suppose you two can spend the rest of your lives together with such differen ideas of what is appropriate in a relationship?
I guess what i'm asking here is.. are you sure you two are right for each other?
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male
reader, texasheart +, writes (12 August 2009):
texasheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am very serious about this, not desperate because I don't want to be alone, not full of empty promises... I am serious about change, giving her what she needs, being the man she deserves. I know she loves me, and I know the past 2 months has shaken her up and confused her, brought up anger and resentment that I have been so critical and made her feel so self-conscious, I have suppressed her individual freedom. Her feelings are real, I honor them and accept responsibility for my wrongdoings. I know now her individual freedom, without criticism, is ESSENTIAL, and NOT A THREAT to me. I love her truly... not puppy love here...
Calling all realists, optimists, wise, experienced, intuitive... I would greatly appreciate insight and advice. There must be some way... something I can do other than wait and pray and work on myself... to guide her back to me. Please share anything you can, it is most appreciated.
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male
reader, texasheart +, writes (12 August 2009):
texasheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSY-- I would like to ask her what is really going on, but she has said she needs to not have contact with me now... I *think* the right thing for me to do now is leave her alone?
I know she has been shown attention by other guys, and I also know she has been going to parties and things where there's plenty of drinking and young women and men... which she has kept from me, understandably since I'd react harshly and make her feel bad. I have no idea if she actually met someone and made some sort of connection.. hooked up with? And she especially now doesn't want me to visit, since he may be around or live in her building? Pure paranoid speculation. Because I really have no idea what's going on.
If I take her words for it, it seems she feels free in her new city and job and friends.. free to be herself, dress however she likes, drink or go out if she feels like it--WHATEVER-- and none of it is met with criticism or judgment. She feels comfortable and free, supported and encouraged... with a boyfriend across the country who she loves and loves her, but who suppresses her freedom to be herself and do as she pleases without judgment. That is what truly seems to have happened. Her temporary job ends in 3 weeks, she will come back home briefly, but then she has another temp job lined up across the country.
What, now, can I do? I COMPLETELY understand how she must feel. However I am COMMITTED to being supportive and withold any criticism or judgment of what she chooses to do (as far as normal things like wearing a low-cut top, or funky hair style, or drinking with her friends at a bar or party). I know she is trustworthy, she always has been.. entirely loyal and loving to me. I stupidly did not feel trustworthy but now my world has been shaken and I get it.
Again.. what can I do now? Please... any advice appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): I think you need to ask her what's really going on. It sounds to me, unfortunately (i hate to say this) that she may have met a guy on one of her nights out, and that's not to say she's cheated or anything. But she may have enjoyed his company.. developed a crush as they put it. Those scenanrios are the only ones that I can think of in which the siginificant other suddenly isn't as loving or caring. If it's a troubles relatonship, it's a low transition to falling out of love, but it it's another man or another woman, the heart turns quickly and suddenly. And aside from meeting this other person, if this is the case, she has the perfect excuse so that she doesn't even have to tell you. You've let her kow that you kow you've been horrible to her, so that's all she has to use. I'd look into this a little deeper before you start blaming yourself.
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male
reader, texasheart +, writes (12 August 2009):
texasheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSY-- I hate to think that you might be right about her deciding to be apart from me, and many "reasons" being excuses. I just can't understand how she would go from being SO loving, genuinely, toward me... to wanting to end it, just like that. It has been sudden, and till very very recently she has been so sincerely sweet. It was weeks ago that she talked of not being able to imagine enjoying time with anyone like she does with me, that we are so great together, a real special match and we're lucky to have met. Just one week ago she gushed, genuinely, how much she misses me and can't wait to see me...
I don't think a "break" is helpful, I think actually being together would be helpful. I have not seen her in person in 2 months! That is the problem, in my mind. But I cannot convince her, of course. And now, I am supposed to not contact her at all.
As for taking the trip anyway: I had planned to stay 4 nights with her, 2 nights at the hotel. I'm not going to buy 4 more nights at a hotel to take this trip alone.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 August 2009):
 Take the trip. You've already paid for it. Your plans may have change for when you get there, but why should your money for the trip go to waste? You need this vacation. Take it and enjoy yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): First of all, you have all the plans and tickets, so why not go? It doesn't mean you have to see her. Just go and have your own fun. Why the hell not?
Second, I am starting to think that she is using your past behaviour as an excuse for not "being sure if she wants to be with you." I think she has decided this on her own reguardless of your past critizism and she is looking for something to get her out so that she can go out and have fun and not be tied to anyone. If she really cared about you and loved you, then she would understand how badly you are trying to chnage for her. But I don't believe that a girl would go all that time being ok with how things are going, and now, as soon as you are realizing where you faults have been, she is suddenly hrrified by the way you have been treating her. I think she's using your guilt and vulnerability, turning it against you, and using it as her excuse to break up with you. I don't think she's woman enouh to admit that she just doesn't feel the same way she used to; that she's having too much fun with all her friends to focus on you; that she's meeting lots of new guys and doesn't want to be tied down.
This is what I think.. I just smell something fishy here and maybe i'm so far off.. but maybe i'm not.. you are trying.. she should see that. She's just too weak to break it off in her own way.
~Sy.
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male
reader, texasheart +, writes (12 August 2009):
texasheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again to all who have replied.
Here is my sad update after a two-hour conversation with the love of my life this evening:
I told her all I've written here.. and I let her talk at length, expressing all that she's been thinking and feeling. She is very upset and confused, she doubts herself so much now and is angry at me for causing it. She has been conditioned to be self-conscious of how she talks and the things she does now, because of me. She said she needs to re-discover who she is, regain her self-esteem, and think about what she wants in all aspects of life.
I suggested maybe have limited contact with me, gradually seeing I am not critical or judgmental, just pleasant, and loving, and supportive in her process. But she said she needs to remove herself from the stimulus (me)... She feels she needs time away from me to focus her efforts on these things, rather than work on a relationship. She said maybe after some time she will be open to testing whether I can be good for her... maybe in her time away from me she will realize how she feels about me, one way or another. But she has no idea if, when, or how that would happen.
So now, my plans to visit her in 8 days are off. (Plane tickets and expensive hotel are all nonrefundable, not that important but still, I mention it because she knows it and still does not want me to come.)
I have no idea what to do now, other than completely leave her alone. She said she will call me if she wants to talk (aka finalize the relationship end, my fair guess).
I am numb with disbelief..shock..profound sadness.. yet I almost don't feel anything.
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male
reader, texasheart +, writes (12 August 2009):
texasheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE:
I told her all I've written here.. and I let her talk at length, expressing all that she's been thinking and feeling... she is very upset and confused, she doubts herself so much now and is angry at me for causing it. She has been conditioned to be self-conscious of how she talks and the things she does now, because of me. She said she needs to re-discover who she is, regain her self-esteem, and think about what she wants in all aspects of life. I suggested maybe have limited contact with me, gradually seeing I am not critical or judgmental, just pleasant, and loving, and supportive in her process. But she said she needs to remove herself from the stimulus (me)... She feels she needs time away from me to focus her efforts on these things, rather than work on a relationship. She said maybe after some time she will be open to testing whether I can be good for her... maybe in her time away from me she will realize how she feels about me, one way or another. But she has no idea if, when, or how that would happen. So now, my plans to visit her in 8 days are off. (Plane tickets and expensive hotel are all nonrefundable, not that important but still, I mention it because she knows it and still does not want me to come.) So I have no idea what to do now, but completely leave her alone. She said she will call me if she wants to talk (aka finalize the relationship end, my fair guess).
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reader, rcn +, writes (11 August 2009):
Still that's what you need to do. I also urge you watch the movie "Fireproof" before going to visit her. It really could be a great help and give some additional ideas. I've watched it a couple of times over the past couple of days. It's simply amazing, when realistically looking at relationship issues from both sides.
If you choose the exercise I stated earlier. It's for her, so let her know you're not going to be critical, in fact you're going to sit there and not say anything, just listen. Remember the truth behind "actions speak louder than words."
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): I still stick to what I said. I really think that if you say those things to her, she will realize your sincereity iin the change of attitude you're undergoing. She's lucky to have a man who is genuinly trying to change for her and is seeking help. Once all those things that I mentioned previously will open her back up to you and make her less fearful. You five day visit sounds like an ideal oppurtunity for the sit down and box of chocolates.
~Sy.
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male
reader, texasheart +, writes (11 August 2009):
texasheart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. Some very good advice from all of you (and RCN, I do know of the emotional bank account and that it's well in the negative perhaps) I am afraid, but your words have been encouraging. I would like to share some more info, maybe it will change some of the advice, and perhaps some of you may be less optimistic... (That is me being fearful!)A bit more info: She has said she has become hesitant to share some things with me, because she doesn't want to deal with what she expects is a critical reaction. I believe recently she may have kept some things from me or even lied about things like going to parties, drinking, etc. because she knew I'd be harshly judgmental. I am sad but I understand. I should also mention she is across the country from me as of 2 months ago on a temporary job, so this has contributed to her realizing the harms of my criticism, and also has given her opportunity to have lots of fun and excitement without me. And I have sensed for the past couple of months that she has been gradually less passionate about me, and more passionate and interested in her new job, the new city, new friends, going out having fun, career networking, etc. I will be visiting her in about a week, for 5 days. Please, if you have any more advice on how to get her heart and mind to open for me again... to reel her back to me. It feels like she has one foot out the door. Is it too late? Thank you again everyone for your responses. I appreciate them very much. If you have any questions or need more information I will gladly answer. Please write more if you have anything to say at all... anything may help.
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reader, rcn +, writes (11 August 2009):
In counseling, have they gone over the emotional bank account? Where you make deposits and withdraws. If you make more withdraws than deposits your partner will start calling it quits.
Be honest with her. How you see how your behavior has been. Accepting responsibility for what happened. Then I want you to sit down and allow her to tell you how your behavior has hurt her. Let her get as emotional as she wants to. This is to release her pain, so no interruptions.
Then I want you to talk. Tell her that your sorry, can't erase the past, but want to create a different future. The past will always be the past, but the future you create now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): Buy a box of chocolates. Give it to her and sit her down.
Try to recall beforehand all of the things that you said to her that may have brought her down. Not every single word and incident, but all the general unsupportiveness.
Restate these to her and after each, give your sincere apology and explain how you were wrong.
Explain the realization you have made on yourself and the solution you have come to in order to change. State your regrets over the passed few years and then all of the things you loved about her then and still love about her, plus all of the new discoveries you've made about her that make you love her that much more.
Day to day, show her that you care. Call her randomly at work, send her a sweet text every now and then...
Listen to her, support what you support and constructively sugget alternatives to what you don't support, while instilling in her, that you will love her, no matter if she takes that alternative or not.
Tell her you love her whenever it comes to your mind and don't hold back a hug or kiss when you feel the urge rising.
If you so all these things, i thouroughly believe that she will fall in love with you all over again while at the same time, you will be reminding yourself of why you love her so much. This will be refreshing and she'll notice that you are changing.
You can tell her that you are all you want, but unless you put actions with those words, they are meaningless.
Goodluck.. and good for you. Hope it works out!
~Sy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): Yeah you have to tell her all the things you said here! Reading that made me cry because I was in your girlfriend's situation only my guy refused to get help and I eventually had to end it. If he had done any of what you have, then I would love to still be with him, so I think you truly have a chance to fix things with her :) You're a very strong person for coming so far. Good luck! It'll take time and a lot of talk to get her to accept your commitment to change but you can do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): i think you should really sit her down for a while...maybe you can plan a vacation and during this vacation you can really treat her..right..yall can talk for hours...and it would be really nice if yall remember the reason why yall fell in love and how yall might....yu can even impress her by showing that you remember eg. like what she wear the first time yall met or even the song yall first dance too...its pretty simple...just convince her that yu really have changed..and yu pretty do love her..very much...
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reader, princessjasmine +, writes (11 August 2009):
show her this post! That might be a start, and then TELL HER what ur telling us. Telll her you'd be willing to do whatever it takes. If I heard that, I'd be all yours!
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reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (11 August 2009):
 wow you sound very genuine if she forgives you i beleive this women will be very lucky to have you in the future.
I think you can salvage your relationship but its time to move on and grow up. I bet if you let her read what you read in here that would work in fact you could write it so that is a letter to her i would leave it just like that dont omit anything because its real and its the truth.
and if your serious, about what you said, you will be planning a great way to propose while your writing the letter.
Dude what are you waiting for ask this girl to marry you before its to late and whatever you do dont break her heart shes your Eve a gift from God treat her as sutch.
I epect your follow up post to be informing us about your wedding date
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