A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex of 8 years dumped me 4 months ago, he was and still is an alcoholic and takes heroin and crack and blues and pregabs plus antidepressants ( bought of the streets) I tried helping him and loved him so much , in the past year before the break up he was being sneaky and always on his phone, turning up late at mine off his face never slept in bed with me or took me out , he would go all werid with me and then turn nasty and call me names and he brought up the fact I had exes and called me a slag etc and that I was a washed up fat slag (I'm a size 12) and no one would want me. The list goes on but I won't drone on anymore. I just want to know how to get over him , I feel so low and I guess I wanted him to miss me and realise his behaviour . He has a daughter who he hardly sees due to his drinking and he doesn't work because he gets a lot of money on benefits because of his drinking etc.i think he has ADHD or bio polar due to his moods and his fast talking and swearing all the time. He is nearly 40 but acted like he was 18. He blames me for the break up and he blames that I blocked him on fb , which I did because he wrote nasty things on there when he was drunk, I don't go on fb now and haven't for a long time, he says I was cheating and that's why I blocked him( even though half of the people I know were on my friend list). Last year I found out he was going to a old prostitutes house taking heroine and drinking at hers while I was at work, she uses to have all lads or men at hers , he led a secret life and it prob was him cheating on me. My head is a mess I just want awnsers from him but I know I won't get them has he see it as my fault and he did nothin wrong.. He is still drinking and doing drugs . Please help me . My confidence is shot, only my son and my job keep me going
View related questions:
alcoholic, at work, confidence, drugs, drunk, money, prostitute Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2018): If you are a single mother - from your post I think you are? - then, generally speaking, it will be harder for you to have a healthy sense of your own confidence, worth and self esteem. Single mothers have a really hard time raising a child alone. The strange, contradictory thing about single mothers is that they are often extraordinarily strong in the sense that they go through heaven and hell trying to make sure their children have a good life and they endure all sorts of criticisms and abuse, but they are often so very vulnerable inwardly and, frankly, are just not 'selfish' enough to look out for themselves in the way that the vast majority of others do. They very often take people into their lives who are in need of help, because that gives them a sense of purpose and, ironically, relieves them of the harder task of looking after themselves and ensuring that they get a nice life. As mothers, it is easy for single mothers to do this because it is like adopting another child - a very needy and abusive child. I speak from experience, I have a similar story to tell.
My guess is that someone - a parent probably - made you feel inadequate and worthless and unlovable when you were very young and that, inwardly, you have been trying to 'win' the feeling of love from them - or someone who (even without you realising it) behaves like them. This horrible, abusive man, will on some level be repeating the hurtful and abusive behaviours of someone before him, someone who put you down or who withheld their love from you or made you feel that you had to be extraordinarily strong and take a tonne of pain in order to feel loved.
If it wasn't this man, it would have been someone else that you would have found and allowed them to abuse you. And the concern is that you will go on to repeat a similar pattern with someone else.
Please, please, go and see your doctor and ask to see a counsellor to get help to understand why you have allowed this situation to continue. The first step is to realise that YOU and not he allowed this situation to go on and on. And in your mind and emotions you are still allowing it to go on, even after he has left, because you don't know (yet) how to live differently and better for yourself. You will have to learn or re-learn how to live a better life just for you and you will need help and support with this.
The person you chose to abuse you probably does have ADHD, mental illness and a total lack of empathy, yes - you are probably right about this. The government has made a VERY poor job of treating anyone with these conditions BUT that does not mean you need to feel sorry for him and it does not mean that you need to take on a job that the government won't fund. This is a hard lesson to learn and it will be frightening, because it will feel like closing your heart and becoming cold. This can be scary because you may feel like you are becoming heartless. You can feel sad for him but that is TOTALLY different to getting involved with him in any way. It is only by realising that you do NOT have a duty to help this person who abused you that you will be in any fit state to be really present and caring for your son and to be in a state to learn how to love and be loved in future.
A
female
reader, Greene  +, writes (29 April 2018):
Hi -- I feel really bad for you too, and a lot of the emotion that seems to be coming off the page unfortunately feels very familiar to me.I think the crux of what seems so upsetting about your description is that you don't seem to FULLY see how he did very, very, very bad things (to you) and you're in the right, you're the desirable one, you're OK. There's no gray area, he's not a smidgen right or could be right, this isn't he said/she said.The fact that you go into detail to justify why you blocked him on Facebook, as if you need to do that... Of course you blocked him on facebook! That seems the least of the things a person should do when confronted with a guy like this.When I was young, I sort of assumed that when someone is mean to you, it's done in a direct way: cursing at you, calling you bad names, saying you're stupid or a failure.I've learned unfortunately that one very common way that people mistreat others is to accuse: to accuse the other person of doing something wrong, of lying, or cheating, or having bad motivations. This completely confuses the situation, to the accuser's benefit. No matter how illogical the accusation, if the first person gives the impression that he vehemently believes it, in the moment it looks justified for him to yell, be cruelly angry, or act out. And all of a sudden it's up to the second person to defend herself, to try desperately to go from the deficit of being "in the wrong" to show why she's actually OK and doesn't deserve to be yelled at. Lost in all of this is the idea that the second person was always OK to begin with and the first person is the one who grossly misbehaves, including by making fake accusations.And the craziest feature of this dynamic is that all of a sudden the person who DID do bad things isn't the subject of scrutiny himself, on trial himself, but he's the judge and jury! Where you have the burden of convincing THIS GUY that you didn't do anything wrong, when he's doing things wrong all over the place. In your situation, this guy even broke up with you! Wow! This is really skewed!In an nutshell: Your exboyfriend is a cruel addict with very extreme behavior. The scrutiny should be on him.As for his comments on your desirability: You don't need to take seriously the things he said about you. AT ALL. It sounds like he's open to saying ANYTHING hurtful. Why? It helps his cause: it puts the spotlight on you, who is fine, when the spotlight should really be on him, who is over-the-top terrible.And we all know that a classic way that abusive people keep their girlfriend/boyfriend in their lives is to tell them that they're not desirable, giving them the feeling that they don't have other options, locking them in to wanting or craving the abuser rather than getting angry and losing interest.Now let's really look at this. Plenty of women who are size 12 and in their 30s date nice men. (Plenty of overweight women older than that date nice men too.) The idea that the best you can get is this person who acts so disgustingly is truly insane. Relationships are about each party wanting the other; it makes sense that you have ingrained in you, over 8 years, the idea that you want him to still like you, to think that you're OK, or better than all the bad things he said or did to you. But I think you have to give this up a little in this guy's case. He's so over the top and his opinions are not credible. You can stop defending yourself now. You're OK (and it's wonderful you have a child in your life). You will be OK if you believe it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 April 2018):
 Apart from this man, what else has happened in your life to make you believe you are not worth better?
I find your post very sad. You deserve better, and your son CERTAINLY does. HE should be your #1 priority, not someone who abuses you and disrespects you. Do you want your son growing up believing this is the way men should behave and this is the way they should treat women? If you can't see that YOU deserve better, at least acknowledge HE does.
What your ex thinks is none of your business and not your problem. He isn't able to think clearly anyway, given all the drugs and alcohol he abuses. Stay away from him and don't let him mess with your head any more than he has done already. He did you a MASSIVE favour, dumping you. Try to see what a blessing that was. You would probably have never freed yourself of him otherwise.
If you have not already done so, please get yourself checked out for any STDs. Your ex has been mixing with the people most likely to have all sorts of diseases, including aids. Get to your doctor and get checked out so that, if you have anything, you can get the appropriate treatment, as YOUR SON NEEDS YOU TO BE THERE FOR HIM.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2018): The answer is to do absolutely nothing.
As simple as it sounds it allows your own natural energy to seep back into your soul.
Every day you do nothing your energy will collect and shine out from within so that people will start to notice the beautiful good karma around you.
So:
1) Do not contact him!
2) Do not let him contact you or your son.
3) Do not miss him. If you feel space in your life that was filled up by anxiety for him then fill that space with peacefullness for yourself and your son.
4)Do not blame yourself.
Slowly he will cease to have any influence on your life.
And your life will flourish.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 April 2018):
 Why do you want answers?
You should be doing cartwheels that you’re free from a cheating alcoholic junkie. What would getting answers out of him achieve? The guy is an absolute low life and not worth wasting another second of your time on.
Surely you believe that you can do better than that? Your confidence is shot because of his shitty treatment. Good guys don’t do that. He will die a very premature death all by himself due to his habits. You should want yourself and son as far away from that as possible. Just concentrate on your boy and work and let the lovelife happen naturally. Don’t think about contacting him ever again due to loneliness, enjoy your freedom.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2018): Please read your post again. It's like a horror story. Stop hiding behind the pillow and look at it for what it is. It IS a horror story and you're the victim he's throwing on the meat hook. (I'm sorry to be so graphic, but your post is that graphic!)
Get out of this wicked mans clutches and don't ever look back.
You know what to do.
he's done for. Awful man!
he is the one with the problem my dear. Not you. Your problem is not acting your age and being strong enough to act your age.
Please concentrate on bringing up your son to never be a man you have had the dis-pleasure of allowing into your life. You are better than that and you know this.
he's just an awful, ridiculous being! Be strong, you can. And don't ever let a man who takes substances to make himself feel better about his miserable existence and who brings everyone else down with him, into your life ever again!
I wish you well.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 April 2018):
 He can't give you answers, he can't give you closure and he CERTAINLY can't give you love or respect.
ALL these things you have to GIVE yourself.
You KNOW he is a loser. A DRUG addict loser.
The FURTHER away you stay from this guy the better, for you and your son.
How good of an influence do you think that wreck of a man is for your son?
How do NOT get over him?
NOTHING you wrote in your post says ANYTHING good about him and that is the guy you care so much for?
READ your post again, pretend it's your BEST friend who wrote it... What advice would you give her?
YOU need to stop focusing on him. HE isn't WORTH a single thought or pot to piss in!
YOUR son is who matters. Raising him to be a GOOD man.
Your ex-bf didn't go to that old prostitute because she is a better woman than you, but because she has access to drugs. HE is an ADDICT! They don't think like rational people. They are not in charge of their lives, the drugs are. Getting money, getting high are the two top priorities.
He might reach out to you in order to USE you. For money, shelter, to steal from you, anything... JUST to feed his addiction.
Honestly? You didn't just dodge a bullet you dodged a canon ball!
STOP GIVING A SINGLE F!! about him and what he thinks of you, what he thinks is your fault. YOU know the truth.
Now is the time for you to BE healthy. For you and your son.
And DO take some time looking back over WHY you stayed with this kind of guy. Why you settled for such a loser.
How is being single not better?
If you are going to have a man in your life, AT LEAST be sure that he is WORTHY of being a good role model for your son. That he is WORTHY of you.
Self-worth comes from the inside. Time for you to work on that!
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 April 2018):
 Then live for your son. You know deep down he is not the right man for you. Do you really want to be with an addict? To have an addict around your son? Not only that but he treated you terribly. You need to gain confidence and realize that you deserve to be treated much better than he ever treated you. He could have gave you all sorts of diseases sleeping with prostitutes and using heroine. If you cannot do it for yourself then do it for your son.
...............................
|
