A
female
age
41-50,
*argh
writes:Hello-I a fairly sure that one of my best friends has abandoned our friendship because I am no longer single. I will describe the situation and perhaps you all can tell me what you think.I met this man several years ago while in college. We both worked on campus at a job that gave us a lot of free time, so we had a lot of time to chat and become friends. It was clear in the early days that he was interested in me, but I never gave him any indication that I the feeling was mutual. Although we shared many things in common, I felt no romantic spark in our relationship. After a while it seemed that he gave up on the romance front, but was happy to remain my friends.In the six or so years since we met our friendship has grown closer, and I now value it highly. We have both been single during most of this time, but have had open conversations about who we liked, and what romantic interests we should pursue. He always seemed to have his eye on one girl or another, and never acted as though he harbored feelings for me.I graduated from college several years ago and moved to a new state for grad school. I maintained my friendship with this man, as he was not only a good friend, but was now a link to home. In my new school I met another man who I quickly developed strong feelings for. I am not very outgoing, and neither is he, so I spent a year adoring him but lacking the courage to tell him. Little did I know that he felt the same about me. I discussed the situation at length with my old friend, and he always encouraged me to go for it.Finally I confronted the man I liked and told him how I felt. He confirmed that the feeling was mutual, and we have been together ever since. That was a year or so ago and in that time my old friendship has quickly deteriorated.After I told my friend the news of my new relationship he became increasingly distant. We no longer talked frequently, and he even ignored some of my calls. The breaking point came when I was in my home town for the weekend a while ago. I called him up and asked him if he was busy in the evening. He said that he wasn't, but immediately asked me how my relationship was going. When I said I was happy and things were going well, and then asked him to dinner that evening, he said he was busy. What?! Since then I have made no effort to call him, which means we haven't talked in months. I really miss his friendship, and I sometimes have to resist the urge to pick up the phone. I have trouble getting close to people, and it is rare that I form a deep bond. However, I wonder if I should just cut my losses and try to forget.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Yargh +, writes (23 July 2007):
Yargh is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you Daniel, Irish, and DIE-romantic for your thoughtful replies. You all seem to agree that my friend wanted more from the relationship that I did, which seems the only conclusion given the facts. I suppose I was reluctant to accept that as it made the friendship I had with him seem less genuine if he was always waiting for some opportunity. After it became clear that there would be no opportunity he dropped me. I suppose that he cannot help the way he feels, and this may have been the easiest way for him. However, it still left me feeling hurt and angry. I think I will just deposit this in the life lessons bank and move on. Thanks again and take care!
A
female
reader, DIE-romantic.  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 I agree with the past two answerers. Hes obviously in love with you, but he knows you dont feel the same way so this is hurting him even more, he cant be around you because its too painful. Give him time, he may come back when he see's that your relationship can go now farther than friends, and hopefully he will accept this and move on himself and find himself a new love.Lets hope it works out okay in the end.Good luck xxxxx :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): Your male friend was plainly in love with you and it pains him greatly to see you with a new love interest. His hopes to have a relationship with you have been dashed and he likely feels he needs time and space to recover. Again the age old question comes up: Can females and males be just friends? I believe in most cases, no. One of them always has hopes it will go farther and it's usually the guy. When a female wants to be 'friends' with a heterosexual male, she should always be forewarned that it 'will never be innocent' on the part of the majority of males. She's fooling herself is she thinks likewise. Men really do think differently. By nature, most heterosexual men do 'desire' every female that comes within contact to him. And the reality is that his feelings of deep love and sexual attraction for you did likely enter the realm of this long term cross-gender friendship. When you were unattached, he always thought he might have a chance. So understand, he's not distancing because he 'doesn't' like you, he's doing it because he's focusing on trying to 'get over you' and guys do understand importance of the "no contact rule" which is crucial to attaining healing. Give him that time and space. And try not to expect him to be your friend, anymore. The dynamics have all changed now, in his mind. You may have to mourn the loss and get on with your new relationship. I wish you happiness with your new bf..be happy and take care.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 There is nothing you can do but keep going. HE is avoiding the contact, obviously because he didn't like your being in a relationship. I don't think it would be justified to leave the man you love over your friend, particularly because you don't love him, so I think the picture is quite clear.
Perhaps you could write a letter to him and say something like "I resent you're not my friend anymore. I do like you, bla, bla, but I will wait for you to call."
One more thing: the fact that he didn't say anything to you over these years does not mean he didn't love you. He was just waiting for a chance; he correctly understood you didn't reciprocate the feelings. So maybe being out of contact is his way of coping with the pain. I say, give him space.
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