A
female
age
51-59,
*anting to be loved
writes:Been having an affair: were both married. He's about to have his second child any day! He's been very distant lately: won't text or call. I asked him if I should leave him alone and he says no! I am having a hard time with the no communicating and giving him space! How do I do this without hurting so much?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Why are you letting this happen to you?Why are you doing this to yourself?Get counseling help, you are being used, and you are using someone else.Why?Want to know how all this will end? CaringGuy is probably right on the mark. http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801X/ref=pd_sim_b_4
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 May 2011):
Do you not think it might be a better idea to end the affair, given that he and you are both married, and that he's about to have a second child with that very unlucky wife of his?
I say this, because when this comes out (as it will), of all the people involved, you are going to be judged to be the worst. You are the classic person who will wind up very lonely and alone, because you don't know when enough is enough. This man has a newborn on the way, and he's having an affair with a woman he clearly doesn't give a damn about - you.
Moreover, if you don't love your husband, why waste another second on your marriage? Go get some divorce papers, sign them and then at least you'll be able to cling on to your reputation should this go wrong.
Otherwise, well, you'll wake up one day in a cold bed, and no one will care that you even exist. This has been the fate of many, many mistresses.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): The clue is the end of your first sentence!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 May 2011):
 "how do I do this without hurting so much"
you don't. YOU HURT
and you walk away
he's focused on his wife and baby right now as he should be.
do not ask him if you should leave him alone of course he'll say no...
just do it.
keep busy
go out
go shopping
spend time with friends...
read
clean the house
go to the gym
take a walk
get a hobby
keep busy.
his time will be taken up more after the baby is born and you need to be independent and self entertaining.
it would be best to end the affair... I am going to assume his wife is clueless about you as is your husband about him....
unless both spouses know of the affair I cannot condone it
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A
female
reader, Aunty Honest +, writes (25 May 2011):
 I think he's probably gone a bit distant because his wife is about to have a child and he probably has a lot on his plate. There may also be a bit of guilt there because his wife is expecting. You're both married and obviously have other commitments so if you want to continue you will have to accept that it won't be easy or straightforward. Maybe take this as an opportunity for some space and really think about the two relationships you're in, because for either to be succesful they need your full attention, and really you can only do that if you choose which is more important. There are four of you in this situation now and you can't carry on forever without all of you ending up pretty hurt, so have a think about the best way forward. I know it's easy to say hard to do, but surely none of you are truly happy with the way things are right now.
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