A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Heres the situation: i met this girl on holiday back in the summer and we hit it off straight away. With regards to looks she isnt what i go for, but she makes me laugh and we got on well so i just went with it. We stayed in contact and have visited each other a couple of times since returning, but agreed from the start to keep it casual (FWB) since we live very far apart.The problem is that the relationship isnt casual - without particularly realising at the time, we behave exactly like boyfriend and girlfriend when we're together, despite the fact that i dont have feelings for her in that way. Like i said we live very far apart, but on top of that i have a full time job and shes just started a 3 year course at uni, so a proper LDR would be very difficult even if i was enthusiastic about it, which im not. Shes become so attached to me that i need to end it now, i cant lead her on anymore because itll just end up causing her more pain. And thats my question really: whats the best way to go about ending it sensitively? I know she'll take it hard and frankly im dreading it, so any advice would be greatly appreciated...
View related questions:
on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (1 November 2011):
Hi. When you said you saw a change in her recently, perhaps it was that she was becoming a bit more emotionally involved, and maybe even "clingy and desperate", and this might be what is causing you to retreat and lose some of the feelings you had for her in the first place.
It's possible.
Her clinginess, could be because you don't see each other and so she is trying to make up for the absences when she does see you, and unconsciously trying to move things forward towards marriage and getting serious - soon.
It does sound a bit that way, doesn't it?
If on the other hand, she was to slightly retreat from calling and texting you all the time - or simply stop contacting you altogether - that would attract you much more and intrigue you also, and you would feel much more differently than you do now.
As it is now, she's chasing you right away. Do you see how that is happening? She is trying to take control of the relationship by doing all the contacting. And it's probably her doing it all and you are feeling somewhat annoyed by her behaviour. Does that sound accurate?
Perhaps this is what you could tell her, when you do have that conversation.
She does need to know.
Before now, she might have had a chance with you. However now, things are quickly changing, aren't they? And it seems, that it's not for the better.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 I just ended and LDR.. HE MOVED IN WITH ME... we started as FWB... yah that worked well for us.
LDRs are hard. they are doable but both parties have to want them. LDRs with younger folks (UNI age and younger) are harder than hard.
You keep telling us you don't feel that way about her and you keep giving us reasons why you don't want to have an LDR with her...
while I will take your words at face value.. the number of reasons you gave and they way you gave them lead me to susspect that we may just be scratching the surface of what's really going on.
IF you want to end it with her:
1. do it QUICKLY as in VERY VERY SOON...
2. DO NOT do it by text or email. doing it face to face would be best if possible but with LDRs that can be hard. Skype would work if you did it via video chat... or a phone call at worst.
3. she will react badly. or she will go into shock. give her as much closure as possible and then you really need to end the contact.. it's the kindest way... do NOT give her hope of anything happening later on...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice everyone. I should say that i never lead her on, i was happy with our relationship until i recently started noticing differences in her: how shes calling me and texting me much more often than usual, how she was genuinely upset when we last parted, just the way she talks on the phone etc...
Im definitely going to do it in person the next time we meet up, that is the very least she deserves, and like you all say i will be totally honest.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (27 October 2011):
Hi there. There's no easy way to break up with someone, there really isn't.
You are just going to have to be completely honest with her, about how you really feel.
I DO NOT suggest that you simply text her, that would be rather insensitive, not to mention a bit disrespectful.
As it's a distance between you, you are probably going to have to have the conversation by telephone.
Perhaps before you have the conversation, you could text her first, and ask her if you could call her, and that you want to talk to her about something.
See what she says.
If she says - "What about?" - simply say, you need to talk about something important. And leave it at that.
Then call her on the telephone, and be kind, respectful and considerate of her feelings when you do this, and just be completely honest with everything you say to her. Honesty is absolutely key here.
The longer you delay having this important conversation with her, the more difficult it will be to do it at all.
I recommend that you do not delay it any longer.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): Be honest with her, in the end women just want the truth and do not want to be left wondering. You have already lead her on, she is going to be hurt and take it badly, what your asking is how can you make this easier for you so you don't have to feel too bad. I'm sorry but you can't let her down easy, it only makes it worse, and hurts more, just be honest and tell her that it's getting too serious and you aren't interested in a serious relationship with her because you don't feel that way for her.
...............................
A
female
reader, misztoria +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Being someone who just got out of a LDR (I broke it off) you need to tell her now or as soon as possible. My ex was distant and I had a feeling his feelings for me had changed so I initiated the break-up, but he wasn't 100% heart broken because he had a feeling that maybe our LDR wouldn't work because we both weren't in the position to move at that stage in our lives. She's going to be crushed, and she may lash out at you, but remember to let her down gently and reassure her it isn't her fault and that there isn't anyone else. Blame it on the distance if you have to. I know tha if my ex would have said the distance was the problem and not me then I wouldn't have taken it that hard. Some girls may feel like they're not pretty or good enough so make sure you clarify that when breaking up with her. Hope everything goes well.
...............................
|
