A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My mom wants me to spend time with my brother (he's 12) because he uses our sisters (they'll 6 and 9) as punching bags. Hes like this since my dad died 4 years ago and needs an older male influence (im 16) to "guide" him. I rather spend time with my girlfriend then with my family. But my mom wont leavee the idea alone. Any Ideas? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Some of us forget what it is like to be 16, and have problems at home...I don't! It is normal to want to spend time with friends, rather than family.
Set aside some time for your brother, though. He is clearly crying out for attention!
You can balance your life so you have time for your girlfriend and your little brother...maybe even include your girlfriend in some of the activities with your brother...you may enjoy it.
Above all, don't let judgemental people get you down! All you can do is the best you can do! Don't be too hard on yourself!
Good Luck!
A
male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (8 June 2009):
I am sure you can spend time with your gf and with your brother. I am sure your Mum would appreciate it and so would your Dad if he were still around. Also, if not for your brother and Mum then do it for your sisters as I am sure it isn't very nice for them.
I sort of can imagine where you are coming from though. You are 16, have a girlfriend and probably don't feel like spending lots of time with your younger brother and sisters. You probably also think that it is your Mum's job to sort out your brother. I am sure she has tried and not successfully so she has asked you for help.
Give it a go, see what happens. You never know you might even enjoy it. If it doesn't work then tell your Mum you tried.
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A
male
reader, NightLad +, writes (8 June 2009):
 I agree with what has previously been said, so I won’t get repetitive.
However, I think your mothers hope that your influence will magically cure him of his obvious rage issues is unrealistic and puts an unfair amount of pressure on you. You are a 16 year old boy, not a trained therapist. Beating up younger siblings does not magically stop when daddy takes a boy fishing or camping for the weekend. Those actions come from deeply rooted internal issues. I think a professional therapist is needed to truly find the reason this behaviour is going on, and to effectively and permanently stop it.
Remember, there are many fatherless families out there in which siblings do not resort to physical abuse.
By all means, spend time with your younger brother. Step in when you see him acting out. It will most certainly be a positive thing in his life, and in yours. Girlfriends may come and go at your age, but you will have your brother forever. These are the years in which bonds that last a lifetime are forged.
You can try the Therapist Locator to search for nearby Family Therapy professional near you:
http://www.therapistlocator.net/
I wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): I think you should talk to your girlfriend and explain to her first she might not mind. But if she does then she's not worth staying with.But your brother definitely needs guidance just now x
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A
female
reader, vamp-gal  +, writes (7 June 2009):
 Hey,It's understandable why you would want to spend time with your girlfriend, you're still a teenager wanting to have an independent life away from your family.However, if spending time with your brother will help stop him from using your sisters as punching bags, then why not?I'm sure your girlfriend would understand if you weren't with her for a few days a week so you could spend time with your brother so he can see how he should really behave.Hitting, whether it's boys or girls, is wrong. I'm sure you feel the same way. These are your sisters though, your sisters who need some help. Has your mum done anything like has she spoken to him? Taken him to a counceller? Something like that?You say it happened when your father died so maybe talk about that with your brother. He's probably angry and frustrated and doesn't know how to vent those feelings without being violent. You need to teach him that this isn't right. Your mum probably thinks he might open up to you because you're his older brother who he looks up to. Your family so he might be more comfortable with it.If you think about it, you might be with your girlfriend years and years maybe. But your brother has been and always will be your brother. Family is top priority.You need to make a compromise. A few times a week hang out with your brother and the other days hang out with your girlfriend. It's up to you how you sort it but you can have it both ways. It doesn't have to be one or the other.Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, pebble +, writes (7 June 2009):
 I agree with what's been said already. Both Tasteofindia and Armymedic have it right.
The only thing I would like to add is that one day your 12 year old brother will be big enough to use YOU as a punch bag. Just something for you to think about.
Step up and help your sisters, man. Your mom is obviously at a loss of what to do if she is asking you - she needs your help too. I really don't think your girlfriend would be impressed that you're not doing anything to help the girls in your life and you're happy to stand by and let them get beaten.
Surely, you can spare one or two nights a week to take him to a football game or do whatever you guys do. Find him a hobby to channel his anger into. A person who cannot even do that for their own flesh and blood is very selfish indeed.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (7 June 2009):
 Hi there,
You're 16... I understand that you want to spend time with your girlfriend. What 16 year old boy wouldn't? But, your family is much more important, especially the well-being of your brother and the safety of your sisters. You do need to step up as man of the house and be there for your brother, who will not remember your girlfriend, but will remember his big brother and how you were there for him during the worst part of his life.
You do not need to spend every waking hour with your girlfriend. You can still see her a couple of nights a week, but you can definitely spare some time to spend some quality time with your brother. I think your girlfriend will really admire you and think VERY highly of her man who takes good care of his family. It's a sexy quality in a man. She might even be into taking your brother out with you two.
Take your brother to a movie, to an arcade, out to a skate park, whatever he's into. I think signing up for a Martial Arts class is a great idea. You are who he looks up to, you are his role model. Your Mother is right, he needs a man in his life, especially at 12. You remember being 12, it's the shittiest time of life for a boy, especially without his Father. You need to take on responsibility and step up to the plate, bro.
Your brother also probably needs professional help, but it is even more important that you are there for him. What you do with your brother now will shape who he is forever. Maybe it doesn't seem important to you now but ultimately, you may turn him from a dangerous adult into a healthy, functional man.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (7 June 2009):
 Well I suppose your girlfriend will be really proud to have such a big brave man to look after her, or would you run away if someone harmed her too!
Your family need you and you are too interested in trying to cop a feel of some local tart! Well done you really have made me realise that chivalry is truely dead and there is no such thing as family values any more!
You are truely a despicable little boy and I bet you are going to use your fathers death as an excuse for your behaviour too rather than stepping up to the mark of "Man of the house"
Your girlfriend would respect you more if she saw you acting like the man in this situation, your brother needs help and an outlet, get him to join a local marshal arts class and go along with him, then you can beat 10 bells of crap out of each other in a controlled environment.
Your sisters need love and a male input. You may only be a child yourself and have all the urges of a hormonal teenager, but your girlfriend will respect you more if you help your family, because girls like guys who would make a good dad, and husband and by you helping out your mum with your siblings is really going to appeal to any girl.
SO COME ON STEP UP TO THE MARK AND BE A MAN!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): Yes you need to step in. If he is hitting little girls then he needs help, not just from you but from counsellor.
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