A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok i really need some help here, so i need as many opinions as possable, whatever your veiw. ok, i was sexually, physically and mentally abused by my brother when i was about 9 years old and he was 15. my parents worked all the hours they could for there own reasons, the sexual abuse lasted for a year or so, and only stopped because my dad had a stroke and was suddenly at home all the time. i didnt have the courage to tell my parents until i had daughters of my own (i was 20)and my parents reaction suprised me, they said they didnt know about it at the time but since so long had passed i should try to forget about it and get on with my life, as you can imagine i was distraught, i couldnt understand how they could still want him around.they begged and pleaded with me not to report him and insisted we could all keep an eye on him better if he didnt know that i had told them. but i pressed charges against him and reported him to social services because he has a daughter of his own, onother of the reasons i felt i couldnt keep quiet anymore, even though it was the hardest thing ive ever had to do, his partner has stuck by him and believes it didnt happen and pressing charges got me next to nowwere as i only told 2 pepole at the time and had no proof, my own children still see my parents in the week for a few hours but i argue with them constantly as im worried sick that if he turns up at the house they wont ask him to leave and i dont want my kids around him but as theyve already lost there cousins that they adored and a grandparent died last year, i dont want to cause them more pain by not letting them see my parents because they are so close, i dont want them to visit them in my house because i cant bear to look at them anymore. they say if he didnt have children they wouldnt want him around but they dont see it as choosing between me and him they see it as choosing between there grandchildren, which they cant do, also if anything happens to his daughter they want to be there to do something about it, even though they truley believe he wont do anything to her. id love to know what other people have or would do in this situation, because its causing me so much misery, i love my parents but cant forgive there desicion, this has been going on for 3years now and i cant take much more of it
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, heaventhomas +, writes (23 May 2008):
 hi
i cant bare to believe what happened to you and i think that you should do something about it, i know it might be hard but it is up to you. i think it is wrong not to report him as he did all them things to you.
because he could do it to someone else to so your not really helping yourself your helping them that could be his next victim. no one can change what he did to you but you can stop him once and for all and save someone else that might be abused from him in the future.
good luck x
make the right decision.
and write back
A
male
reader, Ares  +, writes (11 May 2008):
 Laura1318,
Please cease using double spacing to make your puerile and useless diatribe seem to be based on some form of fact and/or reasoning.
The young lady in question has shown great courage to have reported this. She has acted, granted belatedly, in the interests of protecting another child from the acts she was subjected to, when she was a child. To Female 22, I would suggest that you seek some form of counseling to help you through this difficult period in your life. Please try the attached link to see if it is of help to you.
http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/child_abuse_survivors.php
Laura 1318, I am happy that you have found some solace in the words of the bible and believe that is your right, however by trying to push your religious views upon others, you do your religion a disservice. Once again I have found myself a little bit dumber for your mindless sermons.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 May 2008):
 brooke5426,
Thank you for your views and your time to explain your stand on this matter.I appreciate your efforts.
Your perspective is valid from your point of view.
I would agree with you that nobody can see into the future.
It is only when circumstances or events have played out
that we can say like that. (The fact that someone said they
wish she had posted here before going to the police because
he could have told her not to as the police would not do anything.)
I agree too that the simplest way was for her to report to the police .
To talk to a lawyer first would have cost abit .
But it is not wrong to come here first to seek other's
opinions and then evaluate whether to take up this course of action .
It is the poster's choice.
[Quote]
"We also have something called perverting the course of justice. If she hadnt reported it and then it was discovered that he had sexually abused his daughter and she had known all along that her niece was in danger, then it lands her in trouble."
[Unquote]
You can feel it that way but the police cannot do much.
They may investigate her claims and asked a few pertinent
questions and if they don't find anything suspicious it would be the end of it.
Every man walking is a potential rapist or abuser even if he has no records on him.
Does this means that the police will have to monitor every male citizens in the UK ?
In reality,there were cases where numerous reports were made
to the social services and the police and yet the the victim died from the abuse.
In this case, should she report to the social services and not the police?
The social services would investigate and take away the child if they found evidence of child abuse.
Would it be more appropriate to do that?
[Quote]
At 15 years old you know what you are doing, we are not talking about the actions of a toddler or a small child who doesnt know any better.
[Unquote]
This point is debatable whether a 15 year old boy is fully
aware of the severe repercussions of his actions.
Most of the time , even though the boy is 15 years old ,
he has the mentality of a 12 or 10 years old.
Is justice really served by sending him to prison?
Would he learned anything from a stint in prison ?
Sending him to prison could turned him into a hardcore
criminal because of the association with those hardcore convicts.
It would have been a better option to asked him to seek a counsellor or therapist .
He would most probably get 3 years only and not the maximum 5 years upon conviction.
Even a rapist only received 6 years in your country.
Here, a rapist gets 18 years and six strokes of the cane.
The prisons are overcrowded with paedophiles because the
law specifies a prison sentence instead of a fine for
viewing or possession of child pornography.
For those convicted of child abuse cases, it is a life sentence! (20 years in prison)
This is just an academic exercise and only my personal views.
If anyone is slighted or offended,it is unintentional and my apologies.
...............................
A
female
reader, Twirly +, writes (7 May 2008):
 Hi There,
Ive popped back on to re-iterate that you did do the right thing in reporting your brother for abusing you as a child, and I hope that you're feeling better about it all since asking your question the other day.
Im sorry that the none of the recent answers have been directed at you and that you've only been referred to in the third person, if mentioned at all.
I hope that all this squabbling over your question hasn't upset you or put you off posting again, but if it has Im really sorry and want to wish you all the best and tell you again that you're very brave and totally 100% in the right.
Good luck xx
...............................
A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (7 May 2008):
 And what makes me think I am right and others are wrong? The fact that someone said they wish she had posted here before going to the police because he could have told her not to as the police would not do anything.
I know for a FACT that is wrong. Unless you can see into the future, there is no possible way for anyone to know what the outcome of reporting the crime would be.
Im not saying i'm right about the whole thing, a lot of it (especially from your point of view) is difference in culture, but the point i have been making throughout is that she did not know what the outcome would be, her brother could very well have been tried and found guilty, therefor people who say it was a waste of time for her to report him because the outcome would always be the one it was, are wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (7 May 2008):
I dont know the posters motives, but I fully believe that it was to protect her niece and to seek justice for herself. My mothers on motives for pressing charges against her uncle were very similar.
And you are right, in this country we WILL prosecute family if we believe they are or could be a threat to someone. It is the right thing to do, I know that if a member of my family was looking up child pornography or i believed they could be a threat to my nieces or anyone else, it would not be easy by any means but I would absolutely HAVE to turn them in to the police. I couldnt live with myself if I didnt.
Talking things through is great for minor disputes or disagreements. Sexual abuse is not minor. Nor is it in the same category as sibling teasing/bullying. I do not believe you can or should brush sexual abuse under the carpet and should just be talked about, apologised for and then forgotten. It is life destroying and this woman will need extensive therapy and counselling for a long time to recover from it. Her brother should be punished for what he did.
We also have something called perverting the course of justice. If she hadnt reported it and then it was discovered that he had sexually abused his daughter and she had known all along that her niece was in danger, then it lands her in trouble.
"If he was charged and convicted , he would be in prison for
5 years and with remission 2/3 may come out after 3 years .
His future is ruined for life with that police record.
Even though, he was not charged, he could be facing stigma or prejudices or ruin for all his life."
That is not her fault. It is not her job to protect the man who ruined her life. He DESERVES 5 years in prison. He should've thought of the consequences on himself as well as his sister when he committed the crime. At 15 years old you know what you are doing, we are not talking about the actions of a toddler or a small child who doesnt know any better.
As for the DNA thing, the majority of cases in the united kingdom are carried out without any proof or DNA of the crime being committed. Of course there has to be reasonable suspicion that the person DID carry out the crime but if there was always solid proof that the person on trial committed the crime, there would be no such thing as a no guilty plee. If someone is lying in a court of law 99% of the time they will trip themselves up or change their stories or what they are saying just will not add up.
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A
female
reader, Aeval +, writes (6 May 2008):
 Aunts please calm yourselves!
I know that abuse its a horrid topic and a difficult one to read also.
This lady did not come here to be questioned, preached at or bible bashed (thats for bible club!! LOL)
She came to us for help and advice. May I suggest some of the aunts here take a good look at themselves? For one moment if you think abuse is ok then you have issues.
As for this problem, councelling. I suggest get preofessional help to show you how to cope?.Try to move on with your life and focus on all the positives that you have, abuse is not an easy thing. Take care and try to heal
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (6 May 2008):
Legally speaking she has every right to press charges
against her brother but ethically and morally was she right?
If he was charged and convicted , he would be in prison for
5 years and with remission 2/3 may come out after 3 years .
His future is ruined for life with that police record.
Even though, he was not charged, he could be facing stigma or prejudices or ruin for all his life.
Life is also not easy for her too.
She dug up the past and now she has got to come face to face
again with the ghost of her past which is tormenting her.
It is a tragedy and I hope she seeks help to get over and
bury her unpleasant past once and for all and moved on with her life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (6 May 2008):
brooke5426
I don't know how the UK justice works.
If there is no DNA or concrete proof,
how do the courts sentence a man guilty of abuse after it happened 30 or 40 years ago?
It is easy to make allegations of child abuse but the only
way , you can convict them is with proof or with their own
confessions or circumstantial evidence.
If an accused is innocent and still being send to prison, then this is a miscarriage of justice.
There were some cases of people who were send to prison due to fabricated evidence.
There is no doubt that a number of innocent people have
been convicted and that many other innocent people, who have
not been convicted, have had their lives ruined."
In one news ,about 120 former care workers convicted of
sexual abuse 100 had been victims of a miscarriage of justice.
Why is there miscarriage of justice?
It is due to the police tactics.
A report in the Daily Mail.
Recommendations made by the committee included compulsory
video or audio taping of police interviews with complainants
to ensure officers did not generate false allegations.
There were cases where police had "named suspects or asked
leading questions" when interviewing former residents, the report said.
The Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO) should
revise guidelines to prohibit officers from offering
witnesses inducements such as parole or lighter sentences in
return for giving evidence against alleged abusers, said the report.
The MPs recognised that the longer the period of time
between the alleged offences and allegations surfacing -
sometimes 20 or 30 years - the more difficult it was to prove one's innocence.
If one or two people come out and falsely accused you,
then you are dead.
We know the legal system can work in that way .
The govt or the prosecutor calls the shot.
Thats how the elite justice works in some country.
The report highlighted Merseyside Police's investigations
into 510 former care workers which resulted in only 67 being
charged, and just 36 convictions.
In this case, it concerns a minor and the police will not be
interested as they have a hands full with so many abuse and paedophile cases.
Sorry for going off tangent and now we come back to discuss this case.
What was her motive in reporting her brother for a crime that happened more than 11 years ago?
I don't know and only she herself and God knows the reason for her actions..
If you are a parent and one daughter wants to send another son to prison, what would you do?
What goes around , comes around.
No parents would want that to happen but maybe some people
due to reasons best known to them would not mind seeing
their own rot in prison or ruined.
You are entitled to your opinions that it is her right to report to the police.
I am not saying that you are wrong but that we have differences of opinions.
Just because we don't see it the same way , you think
I am accusing you of fabricating lies.
It is my nature to be skeptical and I don't accept anything as the Gospel truth.
We need to find the truth and not just swallow everything hook line and sinker.
I find it shocking that in your society, that a person can
rat to the police because their father or husband or son is
watching child porn or committed abuse and thereby send them to incarcerate in the prisons.
They do not handle the case first by talking and consulting
with them but just call the police to handle it the instant they are aware of it.
Should'nt you try persuasion and meditation to him first to stop those actions .
If he is adamant and recalcitrant , then as a last resort , you call the authorities.
[Quote]
"People in here have claimed that she should not have pressed charges because there is no possible way anything could come of it. That is not correct.[Unquote]
Who is correct or incorrect nobody knows for certain,
only God and time will tell ,
but it would be better if we say we do not agree with those who think that way.
What makes you think you are correct and other's wrong?
This was what she posted in here and you decide if what she did was advantageous to her or caused her life more miseries.
[Quote]
he ended up being visited by social services, questioned by the police, offered some help with his issues but thats about all, so hes basically got away with it because of him being 15. it will be on his records though, so if anything does happen to my niece he will be the 1st to be looked at, though by that time the damage will already have been done. sometimes i wish i hadn't have said anything, as life would have been much easier for me and my family, but then i think of what he did and could do to other children and im glad i summoned the strength to go through with it, that does not mean that if you don't say anything you are weak, when you find someone you feel you can confide in you might be able to talk about it,, but i know my life was more bearable when no one really knew.
[Unquote]
This is just an academic discussions only for the poster is now feeling the repercussions of her actions.
How to move on with her life and make peace with her parents .
...............................
A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (5 May 2008):
But the point is, she did not know how the case would go therefor she was right to press charges and not just take the law into her own hands. Because he COULD have been tried and found guilty. She knew he commited a crime and she reported it. That was the correct thing to do. And in the UK there CAN be cases without concrete evidence as such. After 40 years, there can be no DNA evidence of a sexual crime but my great uncle is currently in jail for abusing my mother in the 60s. He was not found guilty because they had DNA evidence or PROOF of what he did as such.
I dont know how things work in malaysia but in the united kingdom if you know of a crime being commited, you report it to the police.
People in here have claimed that she should not have pressed charges because there is no possible way anything could come of it. That is not correct.
If that was true, how is it that my mother successful prosecuted her uncle almost 40 years after the abuse? how is it that a friend of waz successful prosecuted her father for abuse which had happened 10 years ago?
Is it that myself and WizardofWaz are lying and fabricating stories of people we know who have been succesful in doing what the poster attempted? Perhaps we even started our own newspapers and wrote the articles on both stories ourselves to make our arguements more convincing? Or is just that lonelytwo and yourself (neither of you brits) are wrong in what you claim can or cannot be done under OUR government.
Regardless of whether or not her niece is in danger, he sexually abused her and she was right to report him for it. She cant see into the future and didn't know if it would be brought to court or not, but there was every chance it could have been therefor of course she was right to do it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 May 2008):
I would like to share this motivational story here.
"Peeling Onions ."
Through out life a large portion of us have
experienced some type of abuse.
Be it emotional, mental,physical or sexual in nature.
Unfortunately most of us do not know how to cope with it and
are constantly dwelling upon the issue.
Usually the abuse was done by someone who was close to us.
I have been in these shoes.
Praise be to God that I am now on a firm path to healing.
But not long ago, I was in constant pain within myself over the abuse.
I had faced as a child.
My father is an alcoholic.
And my mother runs from her problems.
Unfortunately I was at the hand of both of them.
Through their personal battles, I ended up being convinced
that I was a no body and would never amount to anything.
I suffered server depression. I went through days when I
felt like there was no hope and no end to my pain in sight.
I have overcome all of this now, by allowing God to work all of this out in my life.
I still have days of struggle,but through Gods grace I am
able to see with spiritual eyes how to face them.
I never faced the sexual abuse issue personally, but I know many women who have.
The struggles are the same.
You are in constant search for peace in your heart.
You want to forgive those that hurt you.
You want so bad to be healed.
But you don’t know how to get there.
Let me tell you , there is hope.
There is peace and joy.
There is a God in Heaven waiting for you to call out to Him.
He is just waiting for you to allow Him to take your pain.
He wants to heal the wounds that bind you.
He is waiting for you to release the burden to Him.
’Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.’
Psalms 68:19 When we come to the point in our lives where we
are so fed up with the feelings and burdens we bear.
We must release them to God.
This is when we are ready to be healed.
’Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your
healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go
before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.’
Isaiah 58:8 In order to receive this healing of your wounds,
you must first forgive those who have abused you.
‘Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other; just as Christ God forgave you.’
Ephesians 4:32 Until we forgive those who have abused us,
God is not able to work in their lives.
We are like a wedge that is driven between God and the person who has caused you the pain.
This happens because we take the burden back from God and try to deal with it in our own way.
God is not able to work on the things in our lives that we refuse to give him whole heartedly.
You must call out to the lord and give him the pain in order to be healed.’
Then you will call, and the Lord will answered; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.’
Isaiah 58:9
When you surrender to the Lord, the healing process then
begins. You become like an onion.
God begins to peel away the layers of the wound that binds you.
When this happens it will sting a little for a
while.
God will continue to peel the layers and He will continue to heal you.
In His time all that will be left is the beautiful little seed that is in the middle of the onion.
As you begin to grow, a new onion will begin to appear.
God will bless this new onion seed.
You must feed the new onion as it grows.
Feeding the onion, means to surround it with the Word of God and other believers.
The more you feed the onion, which in essence is your soul, the faster you will grow.
God will begin to use you in mighty ways.
You will meet people in your daily life who are going
through the struggles that you have overcome.
It becomes a ministry.
You will be filled with the peace, love and joy
that God has longed for you to always have.
I pray that all of us would become an onion and allow God to peel you and make you new. ‘
But he was pierced, for our transgressions, he was crushed
for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was
upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.’
Isaiah 53:5
By J.Hale
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 May 2008):
After doing a bit of reading on this topic , I found this information and hope they may help poster.
You could also read 'Breaking Free:
Help for survivors of child sexual abuse' by Carolyn
Ainscough & Kay Toon (Sheldon Press £12.99) as this book can
help you understand the way in which sexual abuse can affect
the victim and then deal positively with the long term effects.
Look for a therapist who specialises in sexual issues and
check out their qualifications before commencing.
Your GP may be able to help or contact the British
Association of Sexual and Relationship Therapists on their website www.basrt.org.uk
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 May 2008):
The poster should seek a counsellor who is specially trained in helping adult survivors of sexual abuse.
No matter what happened, poster should forgive her parents and brother .
I don't know if the address below is still valid since that article was printed in 2001
For further help write to - ICAIR 'Independent Care after
Incestuous Relationships and Rape' Gate House, Whiteways, Gt. Chesterford, Essex CB10 1NX
From
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=20657&in_page_id=1879
(You may have to copy and paste the link in another window.)
Forgiveness….
Romans 12:17
Never pay back evil with evil..Do things in such a way that
everyone can see u are honest clear enough..
Dont quarrel with anyone.
Be at peace with everyone just as much as possible.
God , forgive us as we forgive those who have hurt us .
As Christians we should not have the problem of forgiving those who hurt us .
If we want to have peace in our life, we must learn to forgive and move on with our life.
We must not withhold forgiveness or our sins will not be forgiven by God.
Let go of those hurts and if u cannot , then asked Jesus to help u to forgive that person.
If God love us the way He let His son Jesus to die on the
cross for us, we should forgive and really forgive that person.
Never avenge for the wrong for God will repay that person back.
Leave it to God. Remember God’s grace and what u have received, pass it on to others.
Forgiveness is a process which may take time and then u need God to heal ur pains and hurts .
Nobody is perfect ,we all made mistakes.
Someday, we too may offend or hurt our friends unintentionally..
An easy way to forgive others is to think of them as like little children.
It is much easier to forgive children than adults.
Forgiveness and reconciliation aren’t synonymous.
Jesus talks about forgiveness in very different
situations-both when there’s repentance on the part of the
offender (Luke 17:3) and when there isn’t (Matthew 18:21).
Forgiveness is about what you do, not what the person you’re
forgiving does (or doesn’t do).
For reconciliation to take place, there has to be work on both ends of the relationship.
And in some cases, especially those involving the threat of continued abuse, reconciliation isn’t desirable.
You can forgive without forgetting.
From
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2005/sepoct/10.16.html
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 May 2008):
In many countries , there is a law statute that says after a
number of years (I think 12 years )you cannot bring any
charges against a person after that time lapse.
I think I will retract this statement as I think I made a mistake.
It has to do with claiming for damages from another person and not capital offenses.
Regret for the error.I apologize for the mistake.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 May 2008):
brooke5426
He was at that material time only 15 and it is not absolute
and he is innocent until proven guilty.
Though under the law ,he is under criminal responsibility but you need to prove that it happened .
Proving it is another matter.
She reported to the police and she told us what happened after that.
Why did the police not prosecute him ?
Simply because there is not enough concrete proof that can stand in a court of law.
You don't go charging anyone because someone reported him.
They need to investigate and evaluate the case.
Each case is different from another.
You cannot lump your mothers case with this case of a minor.
The facts are not the same.
In many countries , there is a law statute that says after a
number of years (I think 12 years )you cannot bring any
charges against a person after that time lapse.
Your statement is just too simplistic.
It is not a simple open and shut case.
"What does the age of consent have to do with any of this?
We already know she was well under the age of consent and
that he was well above the age of criminal responsibility."
[Unquote]
You don't simply condemned a person because somebody said she was abused.
He should be given a fair trial and not mete with mob
justice and hang him summarily on the nearest tree.
If the poster is not satisfied with the police inaction,
she can hire a lawyer and institute a civil action suit against her brother.
It is not that I don't believe her story but we need to
stand on neutral ground and give the benefits of doubt to her brother.
Just listening to her side of the story is unfair to her brother.
There are two sides of a coin.
Another thing, when we were young we made mistakes in life and we learn from it.
To say that he was sexually abusive and will abuse his daughter is being stereotype and presumptuous.
Did you make mistakes when you were young?
If someone comes and say you would commit those mistakes again because a leopard will never change its spot.
How do you feel? Circumstances are no more the same.
She may fear about his possible abuse of his daughter but
this is not a fact and the police cannot act on such intuitions.
Even if she reported to the police, the police cannot prevent the abuse before it happens.
They can only take actions after the abuse .
What difference does it make whether you report or don't report it?(Poster admitted this fact.)
What she achieved was made a report in the police data base.
Read her answers. It is all there.
She would have been better off if she just kept quiet about it or settled it among her family .
This is my personal opinions only and you may disagree.
It is her right to lodge the police report but whether it
was advisable or advantageous or not is another matter .
Maybe , the family bonds are not strong in the Western culture.
In the East, most children will be filial and listen to their parents.
They would not want to go against their parents.
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (5 May 2008):
And Laura, I'm not being funny but I dont think you are really grasping this at all. What does the age of consent have to do with any of this? We already know she was well under the age of consent and that he was well above the age of criminal responsibility.
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (5 May 2008):
You said yourself in your first post on this topic that you do not know how the law works in the UK. There have been plenty of high profile and not so high profile cases where victims of sexual abuse have filed reports as adults and the case has gone to court and the accused found guilty. My mother's case being one of many. How is that possible if what you are saying is true and that after a certain period of time it is not possible to find someone guilty?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 May 2008):
I completely agree with Ask oldersister.
This is the law in UK.
Consent to sexual relationships
England and Wales
In England and Wales the same laws apply to heterosexual and
homosexual activity and offences can be committed by anyone,
male or female, over the age of 10, which is the age of criminal responsibility.
It is an offence to intentionally engage in sexual touching
with a young person aged 13, 14 or 15. ‘Touching’ covers
all physical contact, including touching with any part of
the body, with anything else and through anything, for
example, through clothing. It includes penetration.
A person aged 18 or over is liable to up to 14 years
imprisonment for this offence. A person under the age of
18 is liable to up to 5 years imprisonment. A person may
claim in their defence that they believed the young person to be over 16.
Intentional sexual touching of a young person under 13 is an
absolute offence. This means there can be no defence in
such a case that it was believed the person was over 16.
Sexual touching which involves penetration of the vagina,
anus or mouth by the penis or penetration of the vagina or
anus with a part of the body or any object is punishable by
up to life imprisonment. Sexual touching not involving
penetration is punishable by up to 14 years imprisonment.
From
http://www.brook.org.uk/content/M5_1_consent.asp
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): brok; the united kingdom and the USA laws are very much alike. The USA based their laws on "common law", which was created by your country. Common law cannot be over-ruled. When you hear in the USA that a law was unconstitutional, it was because it went against the common laws that the USA accepted as there own.
WizardofWaz did speak of a case, but my logic followed what he described in that case: have your facts in order before you present it. I suggest you re-read it and ponder it for a few days; question it to yourself and attempt to answer it yourself.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 May 2008):
My advise to LonelyTwo ,do not argue with some precocious
and irrational child for you will get nowhere with her.
Better to save your energies and concentrate on helping others.
Damned or be damned with those agony aunts who don't agree with you.
You can argue until the cows come home and she would still be where she is.
What's the point?
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female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (4 May 2008):
Nothing needs to be proved to you. Everything that needs to be proved is proved to Andrew. Not you.
Your logic is wrong. You claim that she should not have reported it because the police would not be able to do anything so far down the line. Why then is my great uncle still serving time for sexually abusing my mother? By your logic that is impossible and could never happen. But it did. WizardofWaz told of a similar case.
Maybe you should stick to your own country and your own countries criminal justice system (or lack of it!) and stay out of ours because you obviously know nothing about it.
This is my last post in this thread and to the poster of the question, thank you for your pm and your kind words and you are welcome! x x x
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 May 2008):
“The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable,
but the mouth of the wicked, what is perverse.”
Proverbs 10:32
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
and those who love it will eat its fruits.”
Proverbs 18:21
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female
reader, Twirly +, writes (4 May 2008):
Guys, I really think you should take this argument off the board now and keep it between the two of you.
It's not fair to having a slanging match like this all over this lady's question, especially given the sensitive nature of the subject matter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): It is apparent who have a twisted concept of justice, that you go charging in, which tells me you know knothing about the laws of your country. If your too stupid to not recognize that what you claim and what she did and the result, being hit in the head with it wouldn't help your one bit.
Don't have children and if you do, I'll pray for them? Look who is talking about riding a high horse.
It is apparent you don't know how to read, because I've said nothing about protecting criminals, just to use the brain you have (in your case none) in how you go about getting justice.
I requested to see the PM just to see if you were blind in reading these too! I was giving you an opportunity to prove your claim, but apparently your lying. Which you are proving with every post.
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female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (3 May 2008):
You're disappointed by our behaviour? Who the hell died and made you king of all dear cupid? Thats obviously the attitude you have since you sent me a pm requesting that i forward YOU the pm's that paedophile sent me. What has it to do with you and why should they be forwarded to YOU?
Find me one professional person who works within the field of child abuse who would recommend not reporting the crime and I will gladly accept your twisted view and desire to protect paedophiles. Please don't ever have children, and if you already do, I shall pray for them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): It is honorable that you, duskyrowe and brooke5426 have a passion to protect the victim. What I believe we aunts and uncles should be providing, is a well rounded accumulation of facts so that the poster can review and take into consideration all responses before they act. If we provide half a story of facts, roadblocks, then they will fall on there face when they attempt to implement our suggestions. Going to the authorities was premature for the poster, and we see her outcome. If WizardOfWaz had been the first poster, there wouldn’t have been room for the rest of us to comment but to give our sympathy, because WizardOfWaz provided a wide coverage and areas that should be considered before taking action, something that duskyrowe and brooke5426 fail to acknowledge, even after a total of 47 posts here. Solver provided a missing link in our post: proof that it happened. Yes we believed her, but she had to convince the authorities, which it didn’t go well.
You both should consider being more open to opinion and stop being so narrow in your judgment. Hopefully, you both will put this to rest and ponder all that has been said here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): I find it hard to respond to someone who has been bashing someone for an opinion duskyrowe, when you can't even get the written facts right. He wasn't the boyfriend, but the son of a boyfriend, also an adult at the time (18 yo).
As for not believing her? Where did I say that? Are you so obsessed with the topic that your mind becomes clouded?
Judge and Jury? No one was acting as judge and jury, but asking the obvious. We can sugar coat things like you do, but it doesn't provide the reality these people will need when they go for help (please read WizardOfWaz post).
Naive? Yes you are! We want justice and we want to protect children and others from it happening in the first place, but we also have laws, and if we irrationally make judgments, the laws will work against you. If the poster had come to us first before going to the police, the best advice would have been to get proof! Again, read WizardOfWaz post, a very knowledgeable person and he presents it very clear.
Your remarks where the mother said the child tells lies, is not uncommon, either the child does or doesn't, but a professional should be consulted before making any irrational claims or take action, otherwise, you could further endanger the child.
brooke5426, I don't know who you were calling an idiot, but this is much worse then what was claimed against solver.
The both of you have a vision that if others don't follow, you become hysterical and start attacking. Like I said before, but you probably only read and comprehend only what you want to, is that the poster handled herself very well and responded nicely to solver. So with that, the poster did not need your protection, she did very well herself, so give her credit for it.
I’m very disappointed by both of your behaviors and attitudes over solvers post, you should be more mature in the future and take your non-productive gripes elsewhere.
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (3 May 2008):
 We are supposed to be Agony Aunts on here and help people in their hour of need. NOT THE JUDGE AND JURY!!!!
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reader, duskyrowe +, writes (3 May 2008):
There is one thing I want to ask Lonelytwo. You say you was abused as a child by your mum's boyfriend, so why do you not believe this young lady if the same thing happened to you? Surely you would be on the victim's side????
Or am I missing something? No I am not naive, I work with children in Kindergarten and we have to be very vigilant if a child comes in with a bruise (ok I know kids fall over etc etc). But there is one child who attends Kindergarten, who always comes in with bruises under her eye and has unexplained absences too. She told one of the teachers about a bruise she had under her eye that her father had done it. Her mother said she always tells lies and makes stories up, don't you think that is a very strange thing to say? Suffice to say the school keeps records of children suspected of child abuse.
So please do not patronise me next time and say that I am naive, I was just merely pointing out that you have to be careful when it comes to children nowadays. We have to protect them away from evil.
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female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (3 May 2008):
and for the benefit of anyone reading this in a similar situation, my mother was sexually abused as a child. She reported the crime when she was 46. He was found guilty and is still in prison. pm me if you want links to the local media reports. Its never too late to seek justice!
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female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (3 May 2008):
I would say to you, poster, forgive him in the sense of "Im not going to let this animal effect my life anymore, i'm going to get past it and move on and not have hatred in my life" because it will be better for you.
Do not forgive what he did in that you can act like it never happened and have a normal relationship with him and dont let ANYONE tell you or make you feel like you were wrong to report a crime to the police. You did nothing wrong in any of this and you will never ever find a society/charity/organisation for victims of abuse who advice people to act like it never happened and try to protect their abuser and keep them out of trouble. its ludicrous to suggest it as every sane (non-criminal/non-paedophilic) person knows/
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female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (3 May 2008):
you are an idiot.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (3 May 2008):
Matthew 6:14 (New King James Version)
14 “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."
Sorry, I do not reply to posts on my post by agony aunts.
They can take it or leave it.
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female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (3 May 2008):
"She should not have reported it to the police because she
would only ruin his brother's name, bring shame to the
family and destroyed her relationship with her family."
Actually Laura I think you'll find HE ruined his own name, HE brought shame to the family and HE destroyed the relationship with the family. You're suggesting she should've ignored it and let him get away with it which is absurd and disgusting. She was right to report it. Whether or not the police did anything is not the point and not up to her. She was right to bring it to light and report him to the police. Even if only for her own peace of mind in knowing she did all she could do and to get closure.
What if he DID abuse his daughter? You keep making the point that just because he abused someone doesnt mean he will abuse someone else, true, it does not meant he will for definite. But NOBODY could say that he definitely would not sexually abuse a child, because he has in the past. And any normal and moral person will tell you that when a child is in danger, no matter if the risk is massive, minimal or anything in between you do whatever you can to prevent it.
and by the way LonelyTwo, the block button is there for a reason. If i want to block you, i will. How is that childish? Is it not what the block function is for?
ps i dont believe for one second you were abused by the son of a man your mother dated. Its obvious to me you have made that up to try to make your arguement more convincing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni would like to answer some of the questions that have been put on here, in hope that i make my situation more clear. firstly people who falsely accuse someone of a crime such as this are sick, i do not condone that sort of behaviour. someone asked if my parents had any reason to doubt me, if id told lies in the past, the answer is no, i have always been honest and my parents did not question whether i was telling the truth on the matter, they just wanted me to put it behind me and move on with my life. after the sexual abuse had stopped I can remember feeling so ashamed about it that i made a concious decision not to tell anyone, i wanted to pretend it didnt happen and it worked for many years, it might sound strange to many but i was able to block it from my mind and when something would remind me of it i would stop myself from thinking about it, just tell myself it happend, deal with it. I remember being at my mums one afternoon not long before i told my parents what had happend, my neice was 2years old by this point, and my brother had called her to him, she was wearing a dress and he pulled her on his lap, he put his hand on her leg, as many parents do, but at that moment it was like being hit by a truck, and i cant begin to explain the emotions that i felt, id spent months afterwards asking myself if i could really tell anyone and if i did were the hell would i start? would it really help? i cried constantly and became very depressed, blocking the abuse didnt work by that point because it wasnt just me anymore, there was a little girl at risk. i personally felt (i know some will disagree) i had to tell my mum that my neice could potentially be in danger. I cant explain why i waited until she was 2 but like ive said i knew it would destroy my family and id lose my neice and nephew, they never leave my thoughts nor my daughters. some have said just because he has done something to me it doesnt mean he will do it again, and i am not saying that he definatly will but since he had done it once and his victim was in the same room as him saying nothing, what kind of message is that sending out? Also am aware certain individuals think i am making this up, i really cant understand that as im posted anonymously and asking for veiws on a real situation, if i had made this up my problem would be "ive lied and reported someone for sexual assult, how do i get out of this mess?" as im anonomus what would it matter. but i am NOT lying and i am so gratefull for your comments, especially as most believe i did the right thing in atempting to protect my neice and bring closure on this matter for me and my own daughters.
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female
reader, Twirly +, writes (2 May 2008):
You did the right thing without a shadow of a doubt. He may be your brother but he was 15 at the time and old enough to know better.
Regarding your parents, they have obviously chose to try and deal with the situation by playing it down to the themselves, I imagine the enormity of the reality of what your brother has doen and is capable of doing is too much for them to take.
If I were you I would in the short ter back off, possibly move away as well, and take some time to recover from the stress of the recent events. All of this coming out in the open now must be really emotional for you, and first I suggest taking some time to heal away from all your relatives who are supporting him and not you.
Then, when and if you feel up to it, you could start taking your kids to visit their grandparents, or have them come to visit you, or meet up somewhere neutral. But if you choose not to do that then nobody would blame you for it, after all they are protecting a peodophile.
I think you are so very brave to have done this, it's so important that people don't get away with these things, and the longer that people cover up for this kind of behaviour then the longer it will go on.
Your brother probably needs help, which he now has a chance of getting now that you've brought what he did to you out in the open, so well done you and what an amazing lady you are.
So, for now, concentrate on you, and your kids and forget about them for the time being.
Also, once the dust settles there is a possibilty that the family members who are supporting him now may change their minds, as Im sure they are all in shock at discovering all of this.
Give it some time, and please don't feel guilty, you are the victim in all of this and you are the one who deserves support.
Wishing you lots and lots of luck xxx
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (2 May 2008):
She should not have reported it to the police because she
would only ruin his brother's name, bring shame to the
family and destroyed her relationship with her family.
You cannot prove such a case after such a long time and while he was still a minor.
WE are talking about concrete proofs and not just heresays.
You cannot go around and think your brother will abuse his daughter or any young girls.
Is she a psychic ?
Just because something happened in the past, he will do
again in the future. Is this not presumptious?
She should have consulted a lawyer first and find out the legality of this suit.
Her concerns for her niece is beyond her jurisdiction .
You don't go to the police and report your own brother.
There must be a motive why she did that?
Why do you want to incarcerate him?
She should leave it to God and forgive her brother.
Whoever sows ,so shall he reap.
She should have listened to her parents.
Now, she reaps what she sowed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): I think you did the right thing by reporting your brother. U have 2 understand it ain't an easy thing for your parents but I think they all should know and your brother should pay, even if it is with shame.
Don't expect and don't go suffering because of your parents lack of support. They weren't there when he was abusing you so don't expect them to be there now.
I wasn't sexually molested but emotionaly abused by mother and I have learned to set boundaries (in my thirties) and to don't expect better from her because she was abused also. You cannot give what you never had.
My mother was somewhat abused (touching) by his dad and was not perfect but very concerned for my older sister and I about a possible sexual abuse so she prevented us from going through the same pain and was very protective of us in that area so I think it was negligence from your parents part and it's OK they are suffering now.
You definitely need to work with this suffering through counseling and therapy so you can be able to cope and forgive eventually. It's not easy but in God all things are possible.
You need to go to church too I have received 90% of my healing through the Word of God & His Holy Spirit. I praise God also for the other 10% of my healing that have come through self help books and online self help material.
You have to understand one thin,g this is a very difficult situation in which your parents are not capable to help you with. So stop expecting their support. I think it was a complete disrespect to you and a form of neglection the fact that they asked you not to press charges.
You need to understand your support has to come from your own inside and you need to nourish your hurt soul with The Word and self help books. It'll be like your own support group and it helps a lot.
I believe you should involve your girls in hobbies and summer camps so they can make new friends and slowly withdraw them from your parents.
If I were you I would go to therapy, church and read self help books if I were you. And yes I would press charges too.
Blessings.
http://www.amazon.com/review/product/0060928972/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?%5Fencoding=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
http://lovehonoranddismay.blogspot.com/2006/09/dismaying-story-56-divorcing-your.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): I usually can look at a word and understand what was meant and also see the misspelled word. Now I've heard Albert Einstein wasn't very good at spelling.
Perpatrator was meant to be perpetrator. Wow, one letter off, sue them.
Some of you need to get over the nit-picking, I doubt any of you are that perfect. I think it is more annoying to correct someone on little things, otherwise, why bother if someone is going to be so annoying to change the subject just so that can have I told you so moment. Childish!
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (2 May 2008):
LonelyTwo;-
This is what I learned in life.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the
exact same thing and see something totally different.
I’ve learned- that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I’ve learned…. that being kind is more important
than being right.
I’ve learned…. that I can always pray for someone
when I don’t have the strength to help him in some
other way.
I’ve learned…. that sometimes all a person needs is
a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I’ve learned…that when you plan to get even with
someone, you are only letting that person continue to
hurt you.
I’ve learned…. that the easiest way for me to grow
as a person is to surround myself with people smarter
than I am.
I’ve learned…. that when you harbor bitterness,
happiness will dock elsewhere.
I’ve learned…. that one should keep his words both
soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat
them.
I’ve learned…. that it is best to give advice in
only two circumstances; when it is requested and when
it is a life-threatening situation.
I've learned...if you talk to an idiot, you will become an idiot.
By
Unknown
In the dictionary, there is no such word ,'perpatrator.'
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Thank you.
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (1 May 2008):
By the way this is how you spell naive not nieve.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): I wonder who the nieve one is duskyrowe.
Apparently your only reading what you want to read, or your refuse to listen to common sense. It seems like both of us, "solver" included, new that she wouldn't have any luck in prosecuting hi,. Why? Because to much time has passed, and, it is a "he said she said" situation.
There is another way this could have been handled, and would have gotten better results, but I understand you don't think along these lines.
Again your nieve when you question whether I have known someone who has been a victim. One that popped into mind, was a 14 yo girl who was having sex with her dad and next door neighbor. She really thought this was normal, until we told her her dad and neighbor could go to jail. She trusted her dad, and thought nothing wrong of it. She told a teacher, and they were both arrested. She got the proof she needed to have them arrested.
When I was around 6, I was sexually molested. By a son from a pstor my mom was dating.
So don't act as if you know what the heck others know, you have no clue what others have been through or know, it is just that they compose themselves in a mature way and look for better solutions, instead of acting like a chicken with its head cut off.
Your response shows how out of line and nieve you and brooke5426 are, and how childish your responses were.
This site is to help others, and sometimes, posters need an extra push to understand the circumstances. In this case, the poster handled "solver" very well, much better then the two of you did. You should have left it alone or respond directly to "solver" to ask questions of his methods, instead, you whine and brooke5426 prevents receiving emails. How childish. Just because you think you know it all, doesn't mean you have an ounce of a clue. Get over yourself, the world doesn't revolve around your opinions.
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (1 May 2008):
Lonelytwo if you did a bit of research on abuse victims, most cases go unreported because the abuser threatens them or makes believe to their victim that no one would believe them. This is probably why this young lady did not report it, because no parent would want to believe that their son could be capable of such heinous crimes.
This is a question I am going to put to Solver and Lonleytwo, have you ever come accross an abused victim?
I once dated a guy who was sexually abused by his grandfather at from the age of 11, this memory still haunts him to this day and he never told anyone accept his ex wife and myself. This memory has fucked up his mind and sadly he takes drugs to blot out these awful memories.
So before you start casting aspersions on the posters here I suggest you two guys put your brain cells into gear and have a LITTLE COMPASSION for this young lady and stop sprouting your poison at her.
It is obvious that she never took the decision to report her brother lightly, it must have been the hardest thing she could have done. Don't you think it is bad enough for her family to disbelieve her without total strangers who do not know her from Adam to start making assumptions that this lady woke up one day and thought "I know I will tell my family that my brother abused me" ?
I mean if she is making this up, it would be a very sick lie, but Brooke and I do believe her and we will do our utmost to help this poor woman. If only you had it in your heart to do the same, so next time you read a post of this clarity I suggest you guys take a little time out and think about the victims and not the perpatrator.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Solver could have put it in lighter terms then he did, and I see that he maynot have read everything posted. Bad solver!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): I'm getting conflicting information. First, the possible threat was revealed after having a daughter? Now, it is because of his daughter (niece's) safety?
Solver is correct that you waited to long, and I recall he mentioned the results you would get that you latter confirmed. I don't believe he was trying to be personally hurtful to you. I think he recognized that it was to late to go to the authorities unless you had proof. I thought the same thing.
It is horrible what you went through, and it is honorable that you want to protect others from being harmed, but has he shown any indication that he is still a danger as he was when he was younger?
So what are your plans now? I'll assume that your relationship is even worse now with your brother. How are you doing with your parents? If he is a threat still, you made it harder to get him, sorry, but that is what I've seen happen, I'm just trying to be honest.
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female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Excuse me LonelyTwo but if you'd seen the PMs he has sent me you would not think that. so maybe its YOU jumping to conclusions?
And when someone has OBVIOUSLY suffered abuse (or what would be the point to the post?) and comes on here looking for help, someone saying something like "i think you are making it up" is an embarrassment to this site and its reputation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): duskyrowe and brooke5426, I think your comments directed towards solver are out of line. We as aunts/uncles should give our opinions based on what we know/read: to be honest with our feelings based on experience and knowledge.
Solver recognized a problem or a missing link that a question needed answered. To many times we have a lynch mob mentality and instead create bigger problems and more victims.
The poster, it seems, woke up one day and declared her brother a threat to her daughter. Based on what? We don't even know if her brother comes to visit them.
Solver was correct in his assessment. And what were the poster's results with the authorities? Nothing, not enough proof to show there was a crime committed. I think solver saw her leap for justice was going to fall on its face.
Don't jump to conclusions! Be patient. Were here to help. If were going to sugar coat everything instead of being honest, then there is no sense in providing help, because eventually, the posters will realize we weren't of help, because they instead find the truth.
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (30 April 2008):
Solver you are no doubt THE SICKEST AUNT ON HERE!!!!! You give the people on Cupid a very bad press. Go away you disgusting creature and leave it to us GENUINE AUNTS answer posts on here. You really the most revolting person I have ever come accross, I suggest here that you may be a PAEDO yourself or you would never had answered this question in the way you did.
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female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (30 April 2008):
I apologise to the poster for the "help" you are getting from one of our "aunts".
All I can really say is there is only one type of person in the world who would ever defend a paedophile. And that is a paedophile.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): What happened to him with the authorities is the same thing that would happen here in the USA: nothing. Law enforcement have been burned to many times because there wasn't enough proof, such as in he said she said scenarios that this is, and because of latter determining that an accusation was false, the legal system is hesitant in taking action.
I would assume also because of you getting the authorities involved, that you and your brother are not talking, and he probably won't talk about the past for fear you might set him up.
Did you decide to contact authorities only because your daughter's arrived into the world, which caused a flash back? Was there something your brother did recently to cause this new alarm? What has your relationship between you and your brother been like over the years between the incident and contacting authorities?
I think this may have been an over reaction, that instead, talking to him about it to get closure would have been best. Also at this time, you may have been comforted to know he is no longer a risk to society. With the action taken, you no longer will know this unless it happens.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe ended up being visited by social services, questioned by the police, offered some help with his issues but thats about all, so hes basically got away with it because of him being 15. it will be on his records though, so if anything does happen to my neice he will be the 1st to be looked at, though by that time the damage will already have been done. sometimes i wish i hadnt have said anything, as life would have been much easier for me and my family, but then i think of what he did and could do to other children and im glad i summond the strengh to go through with it, that does not mean that if you dont say anything you are weak, when you find someone you feel you can confide in you might be able to talk about it,, but i know my life was more bearable when no one really knew
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female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Can someone delete or edit what solver wrote? I can only assume he has been in a similar situation where HE was the abuser. But either way his post was cruel and an embarrassment to the site.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe ended up being visited by social services, questioned by the police, offered some help with his issues but thats about all, so hes basically got away with it because of him being 15. it will be on his records though, so if anything does happen to my neice he will be the 1st to be looked at, though by that time the damage will already have been done. sometimes i wish i hadnt have said anything, as life would have been much easier for me and my family, but then i think of what he did and could do to other children and im glad i summond the strengh to go through with it, that does not mean that if you dont say anything you are weak, when you find someone you feel you can confide in you might be able to talk about it,, but i know my life was more bearable when no one really knew
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto solver; i can only asume you havent the slightest idea as to what you are talking about, i couldnt leave my 5year old neice in that situation without doing what i could, yes i should have reported it sooner but until you yourself are in the situation (which i very much doubt you ever have been) you cannot even begin to understand how hard it is, a stunt for daring to bring it up? my concern when reporting him was for my neice who could be lined up to take my place, not for myself, and if that was your daughter wouldnt you want to be warned?
to everyone else, thank you for taking the time to answer my post, your wonderfull people x x x
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Right now in the media there is the story of that women who was kidnapped and held prisoner by her father for 24 years. How did this happen, well people like Solver and those who answer with similar answers are the reason.
You really think nobody noticed this? That the wife did not know, the incest start years before the kidnapping itself.
We had another post from a woman who went to her mother as a child and was told to just let it happen because the mother didn't want to end the marriage. 10 years of abuse, the mother never apologized and is still emotionally blackmailing her daughter.
Forgive and forget? Somethings are beyond that and incest/abuse is one of them.
You did the right thing but sadly that often is the hard to do as you are finding out. Keeping the queit life is easy, but remember, your brother is a pedo, he has kids? What makes you think those kids are safe from him?
As hard as it may be, the only option for you may be to cut contact with your family. The bleeding heart don't like it and it is a very male way of dealing with things but your family wrong you, your brother is a molestor and your parents failed and continue to fail at protecting you, cut them off.
They claim they are only doing this for the grand-childeren, what about your kids, what about keeping those kids safe from their son?
Cut them out of your life, from this day on you are an only child and an orphan. Don't let them tear you apart anymore.
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reader, lexilou +, writes (30 April 2008):
 I am so sorry you have suffered this way. If you dont report it and he abuses anyone else you will never forgive yourself. How many times do we see a newspaper story where people abused 10 or 20 years ago come forward after a paedophile has been convicted for a newer crime. What he did was wrong. Your parents are trying to protect him which i understand as a parent but somethings in life have to be accounted for and this is one of them. It will also give you closure and altough you can never forget you can move on with your life x
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reader, Laura1318 +, writes (30 April 2008):
“Life is like an onion.
You peel off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.”
Anger is like a splinter in your finger.
If you leave it there, it gets infected and hurts every time
you use your finger.
If you remove it, the sore heals and
you feel better.
Take a moment and confess your anger to God.
Diffuse the bomb that is ticking inside you.
Give it up and move on.
You’ll be glad you did.
And, all the people around you will be thankful, too.
From;-
www.todaychristianwomen's.com
What’s done is done.
Instead of dealing with what’s past,
focus your energy on the present.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): My brother sexually abused me for 5 years of my life. When I finally had the courage to tell my mother she didn't believe me, and she doesn't to this day, and she probably never will. Male children end up getting away with quite a lot, I've learned. I don't agree with it, but it happens. My family will never be able to admit what my brother really is. When I turned 20 I realized that people are the way they are. It's not an excuse, it's just an understanding. You must understand that your parents cannot comprehend what happened, because he is their "baby boy" and it did not happen to them. This is a case in which only YOU can grant yourself inner peace, by accepting what happened, and accepting that your parents are who they are. Trying to manipulate them to your side will do no good and will cause more pain than it is worth. Do what needs to be done, and don't look back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): For the most part, I think all responders are correct, to a certain degree.
What happened to you was unfair! What your brother did was horrible!
Bringing it up now, I'm not really sure what can be gained. You mentioned not having proof. What do the authorities say? Are they processing this as a crime? Have they taken his children into custody to question them to see if they've been harmed? What about his wife, has she been questioned by the authorities? Not sure of the laws in your country, but in the USA, at 15, not much would happen, but I could be wrong.
Has your brother been seen by a physcriatist since the attack and prior to the charges be placed on him? Does he have any current behavioral problems now that could pose a threat to other people and children. Has he been evaluated by a physcologist?
Your parents maybe going through stressful times at the time you confronted them, and your mom at least might be worried how this will affect your dad's health. I'm sure it was a shock to them when you brought it up. Have you had problems in the past for making claims that weren't true that maybe your parents are considering in there response? I know some kids have told tall stories that really hurt people that were innocent.
Personally, my brothers had done things to me I didn't like, like sticking my head in the toilet when I was arounf 8 years old. It chipped a part of my front teeth. It came out in latter years, and he acknowledged he felt terrible afterwards. What I'm getting at, is that you should have first confronted him about it. Depending on the outcome, either you could suggest he get help, or you both agree to forgive and forget. The way you went about it may not have been the best method, with the responses from your parents, I get the idea there is more to this then is revealed. I have seen to many people charged with a crime and just made it worse. They to were victimized and needed help. In some cases I've seen, they would have been better off if they had just been put out of there misery, instead of being further crushed.
All aspects, feelings need to be thourghly review and understood before you make a choice that could have worse consequences. In the USA, though not sure of the age of 15, his entire life could be ruined, and a few of these people commit suicide because of the non-stop treatment they get from society. I don't believe God or Jesus would approve of this treatment what is labeled as crimminals get. We must always first look at the root cause and work our way through. Individuals need to be punished, but the punishment should fit the crime. The best we should do is help you heal and learn how to protect others. The criminal needs to be evalutated and given treatment as they serve their time in prison. This is the compassionate method, fair and honest way.
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reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 I can understand your reasoning and fear about your brother with regards to his own daughter. If he had sex with you when you were prepubescent, it's conceivable that he could be attracted to a young daughter. If anyone knew whether or not he had any kiddy-porn as well, that would be a huge red flag. I don't quite understand why you think that your parents should abide by your wishes in their home, especially if they feel they are keeping a watchful eye over everything. You do have every right to keep him from seeing your children. I definitely don't understand why you have excluded his children from your children's life. That seems like a very harsh decision, as painful as seeing them might be for you. You could be keeping a watchful eye on them as well. Even if his spouse is supporting him, I doubt that she is supporting his past behavior. I would try to keep in touch with the children through her. Are there any circumstances where you would be able to consider some form of forgiveness towards your brother, say, if he got therapy, apologized and showed remorse, and perhaps serving time in some way - house arrest or community service? It is NOT normal, what he did, but he was technically still a juvenile and an unsupervised one at that. Guys make a whole lot of stupid decisions at that age, some worse than others, but that's a age when they haven't got a CLUE about they consequences of their actions. I'm sure that your parents wouldn't having willingly put you in harm's way, but exhausted parents working two careers can make bad decisions and miss vital clues. He needs counseling, YOU need counseling, your extended family as a group could benefit from counseling as well. Right now you want him to take the blame and the punishment for what he did to you and your young life, and how it has affected you. I think that is reasonable. What you should start looking at is what you want to accomplish beyond that, and you have already mentioned that you want to protect your children and his, which is the most important thing. I hope that you are able to come to terms with all of the things that have happened in the past and heal, and heal your family too. We can't change our past, but we can decide for ourselves how to live in our future and not let the past define it, speaking as another survivor of childhood abuse. Right now, it's breaking your family apart. If you can decide what compromises you can live with, the rest of the family should support you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): As someone who was sexually abused by a stepfather when I was 11, I am furious about what your brother did to you. There is no excuse for him at all. I’ve heard a lot on this site where similar behaviour is defended on the grounds that he was just a child himself. It’s not an excuse, I’m not going to entertain it. I know how shattering it is to be treated that way as a child, and your feelings are completely justified. You’re quite right to not want your children anywhere near him.Secondly, can I say how much I admire your courage in reporting what he did. I have never been so brave – in fact I’ve never told anyone and am never likely to. I am so proud to hear that you found the strength to do that, I can only imagine how hard it must have been. You should be so proud of yourself, and I am so thankful that you have tried to protect your brother’s children, they are so lucky to have you for an aunt.I’m sorry to hear how your parents have behaved. I feel it’s important to say, your parents are not bad people. They have no doubt made an incredibly bad decision here. I can’t imagine how painful it must have been for you when they didn’t stand by you through this, and it no doubt feels like they’ve taken his side and don’t understand the complete pain and misery he’s caused you. I would feel betrayed, and quite honestly I would be absolutely seething. Having said that, judging parents for standing by their children is a very difficult thing. What is quite obviously the right thing from the outside is obscured from their viewpoint – to them he is still their little boy. Having your own children, I’ve no doubt you would do anything to protect them all equally, and in some distorted way this is what they were trying to do for your brother. You have experienced the horror of what he did first hand, and you deeply understand the impact it’s had on you. If, God forbid, anything similar was to happen between your own children, you have this experience to draw on and would never respond the same way. I would drink poison to prevent my children from experiencing what I have. But your parents were faced with this information out of the blue, from events long ago and have probably never encountered anything like it. This isn’t an excuse, please don’t misunderstand me – I am totally on your side. This is purely to help you understand what their point of view may be. It is so very difficult to know what to do in these situations, and torn between their two children they were probably trying to do the best for you both in their own way. That way was undoubtedly wrong. But people can act stupidly and not see clearly when it comes to their children, especially when torn between them.I can’t make a call on whether you should cut your parents out or not, it’s a very personal decision that only you can make. If you can understand what I wrote above from their point of view at all – understand, not necessarily forgive – then I would say your relationship doesn’t have to end forever, but neither can it be pushed and it may never be fully mended. In any event, I would say do your best to stay civil with them. Talk everything through until you have expressed everything you want to, let them get everything out in the open and then do not keep pressing this issue. In my experience, there is no point in continuing arguing over it for years as there is nothing to be gained. Stay civil. There is no need for you to be close or even friendly. Being civil stops the door from being closed forever and prevents a lot of arguing and unnecessary heartache for you. Beyond that, my advice is simply continue being civil and keeping some kind of understanding of why they did what they did in your mind. As years pass, you may find yourself wanting to be friendly or close. You may want to simply remain civil and change nothing. But there is no pressure on you: no arguments, no forced closeness. I would try and explain to them that you can’t forgive them “yet” and you’re not sure if you ever will be able to, but you do not want to argue anymore and will stay civil for the sake of the children. They can’t expect more and can at least respect this.My reasons for stressing being civil are partly for the grandchildren and partly for yourself. My mum prevented me from seeing my grandparents because of a similar argument for years, and me and my sister suffered most. In many ways, you are being remarkably understanding to keep the relationship going for your children, they are very blessed to have a mum who cares so much for their happiness. It only harms children if the arguments continue and you and your parents don’t maintain a very basic relationship. Secondly, your parents won’t be around forever and the last thing you want when they aren’t around any more are feelings of guilt/regret for not being civil. I know it’s perfectly reasonable that you may not feel any such remorse, and I would respect that. They’ve behaved appallingly to you. But even if you don’t regret it, you will have a bitterness hanging over that will never be resolved. Your brother has had enough of a negative effect on your life, without causing stress and bitterness to fill up many years to come, every time you encounter your parents.You say you love your parents, but cannot forgive them. For the sake of that love, I would maintain a very basic relationship and simply leave the option open in your mind that you may, just possibly be able to forgive them. But only in your own time, and there is certainly no requirement or pressure for you to do so. Enjoy your own family and accept that you will have to see your parents but it’s not worth stressing yourself over. You do not deserve any more upset – refuse to get drawn into a lengthy, pointless battle. The damage is done. You are the one who has been hurt and betrayed, and you are in control from now on. As Brooke says, make it perfectly clear that if they contradict you regarding who your children see, they will not see them again. They will not want to lose contact with your children any more than they did your brother’s.Best of luck with it, hope it works out for the best,xxxx
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reader, brooke5426 +, writes (30 April 2008):
I can see it from all angles. I think you were absolutely right to press charges against your brother and I cant stress that enough but I can see why it is hard for your parents too. He is their son and he has their grandchildren. That is difficult for them to cut off.
You did the right thing by pressing charges for all of the reasons you mentioned and without sounding patronising i'm proud of you for doing it because I know that must've been difficult for you knowing it would mean your kids lost their relationship with their cousins.
I think you should let your kids visit their grandparents but make it crystal clear to them they are your kids and if you dont want them to be around someone, they will not be around that person. And if you ever find out your parents have undermined you or gone against your wishes for your children then you wont let them visit again.
You did the right thing and remember that its not you who has torn your family apart its your brother. And when you start to feel guilt over keeping them away from their cousins remember you are also keeping them away from their uncle, which can only be a good thing for them.
Brooke
x
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reader, mattie90  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 im very sorry for what had happened to you. my dad abused me when i was 12 and i went to court about it and they gave my dad parenting classes and a bunch of other stuff but what you are doing is the right thing because what happened to you might happen to other family members and i for one would not want that around my family i believe you are doing the right thing let me know how that goes *good luck to u*
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reader, Andrew83 +, writes (30 April 2008):
 I say keep up with the charges and dont stop till its all done with..
Your parents have you as their daughter and from what you said, its like they couldnt care as much what you were goin through.. Have they got a any feelings in side of them for you, for what was happenin to you the whole time..
Go all the way with this is my advice..
Really isnt a happy memory of your childhood and havin it there none stop without anythin bein done is mind blowin at the least. Can feel like your goin through hell.
all the best your brother gets what he deserves.
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