A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really love my boyf but his family are the pits. His mum is alcoholic and drinks cheap wine out of a coffee cup all day (so you don't realise!) His dad had a mild heart attack and was told not to smoke or drink anymore but still does both. The house is a state, disgusting, after being in it for 5 mins I stink and start itching. There's just filth in the kitchen, the living room is dank with cig smoke and I don't even want to get started on the family bathroom... awful!They have a dog, a black labrador, that never gets walked, its obese and stinks, and I feel sorry for it. How can I tell my boyf that I just really don't want to go round there without hurting his feelings... I've run out of excuses not to go....Help x
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (9 October 2010):
Hello again. That's great that you have talked about it.
Whenever there's something on your mind to do with your relationship, always try to talk to him about it, and try not to ever hold any grudges.
It's always best to be open and honest, but always with love and respect, and considering the other's feelings.
Best wishes in the future. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou.
We've talked. He notices the major difference between my place and his family home. He understands that its not his folks as people that I detest but just the lifestyle they have.
He's been to my mum and dads loads of time and I know he loves it as its a totally different atmosphere. I could go on and on.. just wanted to say Thanks... The air so to speak has been cleared!
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 I think it's legitimate to say to your boyfriend that his parents make you uncomfortable, even the atmosphere, but I would probably not say that the house itself makes you uncomfortable. the dog, the cleanliness, you're making value judgments that can be really offensive. i remember once i had cleaned up for a friend to come over and she called my room a wreck and...that was definitely more than 6 years ago and it still irks me when i think about it. we're all used to a certain way of living..you'll never get used to where he's coming from if you're not in that environment and i think a full on rejection of it just cause you're uncomfortable is unfair. maybe coming over to a house with sober parents and a clean fit dog would freak him out cause it's everything he doesn't have, but has he complained? just be careful, is all i'm saying.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (7 October 2010):
Hi there. You will have to tread very warily, so as not to offend your boyfriend.
Perhaps you could just be honest with him, and with how it makes you feel each time you go there.
Don't say this to him when you are there. Wait until you are out in the car, then ask him if you could talk about it, as it does worry you and it makes you uncomfortable.
Perhaps you could ask him if it bothers him. Most likely, he has kind of switched off from it and just tuned out altogether. He would have become desensitized from it, because he lives there and has got used to it being that way all the time. He does notice it, but tries not to think about it. That's probably how he copes.
It's not a pleasant atmosphere there at all.
Unfortunately, you can't force his parents to live any differently than what they do now. That decision can only be made by them.
It sounds like his mother is bored, so she drinks. His father doesn't know what to do about his wife's drinking, so he joins her. And that's about it. It's his way of coping with it.
This situation doesn't seem worth breaking up over, because you really love him and that's what matters. So keep your focus on that.
It's a case of finding some form of compromise with him, so you don't have to go there very often. Or at least, if he asks you to go there, only stay a short time and then politely excuse yourself if it becomes too much to bear.
But above all else, you must tell him. When you do, don't get angry or upset, or argue about it. Stay calm, and be loving and respectful, so he knows this isn't about him. He does need to know that it upsets you and doesn't make you happy. Only then can you both find a solution to this dilemma.
Hope this is helpful to you. Take care and best wishes.
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