A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in limbo for nearly a year, the stress is presenting viscerally now and my indecision is hurting all the people I care about and I really need help deciding what to do.I have been married for a year and a half, together three years total, and separated for 10 months. My husband takes really good care of me. He works hard and supports me while I go to school and can only work part time. He is always buying me things and taking me on trips. The problem is that he is a real jerk. When we had only been dating for a month he choked me. I don't mean like cutting off my air supply, I mean like straddeling me with his hands around my neck shaking my head into the floor because he was drunk and didn't think I was listening to him. He did it in front of my friends in my home. They had to call his brother to make him leave. I stayed with him. He explained to me he comes from a rough childhood with a dad who had a drug problem and a mom that has separated from him a total of 17 times. He has major anxiety from this and a negative outcome on the world. He doesn't like anyone and is always critical of everyone and everything. When things are good between us they are wonderful. We have traveled the world together. We both want many of the same things in life. My life with him is comfortable. Comfortable except sometimes I feel that he doesn't really like ME as a person and always says hurtful and critical and embarrassing things because he wants to change me into the idea of a wife that he has in his head. After that first physical episode there was only one more until after we married. During our engagement my parents expressed concern withe the blatant emotional abuse and embarrassment that he constantly doled out. I basically told them to shove it. Then one day I was house sitting for them and my now-husband came over. We were arguing over God knows what, I can't remember. He grabbed me by the neck and lifted me up against the side of the house. He noticed the neighbors saw and he stopped. The neighbors called my parents. My dad talked to him, and he promised it would never happen again. Then we got married. One more choking episode occurred. Then nothing for a few months, except still verbal assaults that he said are only because he gets frustrated that I don't do things the way he wants me to, such as laundry (I leave stuff in the dryer after it goes off sometimes and he HATES wrinkles), that I am incapable of cooking bacon without burning it, that I always forget to close the bedroom door when we go to sleep after he has asked me several times and that I kept the spices and the medicine in the wrong kitchen cabinets from where they are supposed to to. I started to feel like I was losing some of my drive in life. I kept over sleeping and missing class. This made him really angry. It seemed like the angrier he got the harder I tried but the more I screwed up. But he can really be the most loving sensitive guy and I think his mouth just gets out of hand when he is really just trying to help me be a better person. New Years Eve changed my life. I wanted to go out to dinner and have a couple drinks with him. He said that sounded fun, and I went and got ready. When I came out he was asleep on the couch and wouldn't get up. My friend called while I was trying to get him up (to no avail) and invited us to come over to a party she was having. I asked him and he said he didn't want to hang out with my loser friends and that all I care about is going out and drinking and he just wants to stay home. It turned into several hours of arguing and at midnight he stormed out of the house after saying I'm worthless and that if he would have known how lazy and complacent I would become after we married he would have gone to law school and found some blonde hotshot attorney and had all kinds of great things in life instead of marrying me. At midnight I was laying on the floor crying and wondering why I didn't have the guts to divorce him. A few weeks later he went on vacation with some buddies. Since we had been married he didn't really like me spending too much time with friends because he thinks we drink too much and that I'm immature and don't act like a wife should. So that weekend I hung out with all my friends and had a great time. Halfway through I wound up breaking down and telling them I was unhappy. They were shocked. When he got home we had a talk about how I didn't like how he treated me. Also, I had always through our whole relationship told him that porn wasn't acceptable to me but had found it on the computer several times. During this discussion I asked him if he had every really stopped using it like he had always asserted he had, and he said no. For me it was the last straw and I packed my bags and went to a friends house. My husband was grief stricken and shocked. We stayed separated for a few weeks. He decided to call my parents and tell them everything. My mom called me at one point and said she thought I had shocked him into realizing he had to treat me better. So I went home. I was there a week when he went to a game with a buddy and I went to a local sports bar to watch the same game with his friends fiancée. I asked him four times if it was really okay if I go, and he said absolutely yes. So we went. When the game ended, around 9:30pm, he called to say he was doropping his friend off to hang out with us but that he had to go home to finish up something for work but that it was okay if I stayed. Then he decided to show up. I asked him if he wanted to go home and he said yes. Then we sat and chatted for a bit longer and one of our favorite songs came on. We all got excited and were happy and singing along. So I said okay let's have one more round before we go. He dug his elbow into my leg. I got mad and didn't respond to it and ordered the round. He left without me. Then he came back and left again because I said I wasn't going to go until after he calmed down. So he left again, then came back and sat in the parking lot and called me over and over, then came in and grabbed my things and me by the arm and started pulling me out. Our friends freaked out (they knew about our previous problems) and told me not to leave and stood up to him. I told them if I didn't leave things would be worse so I went. We got in bed. He got up and went out to the couch, coming in several times to yell and tell me married women don't belong in bars. Finally I could hear him crying on the couch and I went to him. He pushed me on the floor and ripped the shirt I had on off of me. He kicked at me (didn't hurt me) and started yelling about how he gives me everything yet I'm not good to him. I finally yelled back and said 'what have you ever given me besides money??!' he threw his wedding ring at me, leaving a goose egg on my temple. Then went to our room to pack so he could go stay with his family. I walked back to our room and he shoved me (now he says he didn't want me in there bothering him) and I went into a door frame across the hall face first, leaving the first bruise I have ever had from him. He left. My friends had been calling and when I didn't answer they came to check on me. We were gathering up what I needed to go stay with them when he came back. He begged me to stay. Apologized profusely. To my friends dismay I stayed with him.My friend called my mom and told her what happened. My mom begged me to come home. I said I couldn't because I had to stay so I could go to work and school, which I needed if I was going to leave him. I became less committed to our marriage. I was one foot in, one foot out the door. I started not coming home from work every night, instead hanging out with my friends from work. One night, I kissed one of my friends...who also happened to be my boss. I stayed in this half in half out stage for a few months. My husband took me on another internatinal vacation for our one year anniversary. We fought the whole time. I couldn't decide what to do, he could tell, and that worsened the anxiety and fights. Fast forward another month. My husband goes out of town again for the weekend. I turn on the computer to play music and find an instant messaging account that he has been using for cybersex. Now, he denies that he ever had cybersex, but the point remains the same to me. I have since found three of these accounts.I left. I got everything of mine that I could fit in my car and I left. At this point I had exhausted most of the options as far as friends to stay with. The only one I hadn't stayed with was my guy friend (we were all really close friends at work) that I had kissed. I wound up staying with him. I changed my phone number. I was going to get divorced. I lived there for four months. A relationship developed. He was taking care of me. He treated me like a princess. He became a bet friend on top of the relationship we were having. We had a blast. I kept telling my now boyfriend that I wanted to get the divorce but reason x y or z kept preventing it. In reality I was scared. I was scared my parents wouldn't have a relationship with me because they were so close to my husband and trying to help him during this separation. I had to quit my job since I was living with my boss and I was afraid I'd never get on my feet. I was afraid that someday I would regret not working harder on my marriage. But I already had a new relationship that I was happy in. Really happy in.So a few times I went and saw my husband. He was on edge because for months at this point he had felt like he was losing his wife and had no control over it. I didn't want him to hurt. Everytime I saw him there was an incident that made me remember why I left him. Like once I wanted to go talk to him becaus I felt bad because I knew our separation was hurting him. He begged for sex. I said no and he did it anyway...during it I just said please pull out please pull out...but he didn't. He said he didn't because he finished quickly and didn't want to have to stop and he knew I'd just run into the bathroom and leave. He said he just wanted so badly to feel loved by his wife. I left again, but I felt so guilty. God I didn't want him to hurt.Another time we actually had a nice evening. Towards the end he wanted sex again. I understand his need for it, it had been forever that I had been gone and also before we separated our sex life was almost non existent because our relationship was deteriorating. And because I frequently found myself turned off to him because even when I said no to sex when our sex life was healthy he would do it while I was sleeping or he would constantly poke me with it in my back or he would just make me feel so guilty but wouldn't pay attention to my sexual needs, he just wanted me to roll over and let him do it really quick. Anyway, this night I firmly said no. I wanted to relax after he had to go to bed early because he worked early. He wouldn't let me. He verbally abused me. He told me I was crazy. He told me my family missed me because I wasn't the same person anymore. He cried. He kicked me out into a different room. Then he begged me to come back. On and on for hours. I never gave in. I was too emotionally distant to care about his needs more than my own at this point. Finally he admitted that he was wrong and went to sleep. I didn't sleep at all. I felt sick. I felt like I had just gone through an entire cycle of abuse in a few hours. The next day we argued again. He told me he was angry that I loved the dog more than him. That he didn't want me to forget about him when we had kids the same way I did with the dog. Then he kicked me out. Then he wouldn't let me leave. Then he grabbed the dog and shoved her face into mine and told me to 'make out with his replacement.' He said if I didn't stop being crazy something bad was going to happen and I wasn't going to like it. (now he says that meant divorce). I called the police. He called my parents and said I'd lost my mind. The next day I went to therapy (had been in it ongoing for months with no progress) and he text me saying that he was taking the dog for a ride. I freaked out. I said 'you better not hurt her' all he wrote back was 'lol cya later babe.' so I went home and waited for him to get back with her. When he did I grabbed the dog and ran away. Again. We didn't talk for a few weeks. He packed all of my things. I had a hard time with this but I was back in my happy life with my amazingly loving boyfriend. But he never did file for divorce and neither did I. One day we met at the courthouse a few weeks later to begin the divorce. We didn't go through with it. He demanded we go to my friends house where I said I'd been staying so he could make sure I wasn't having an affair. We did. I pretended we couldn't get in because she had forgotten to leave the key out for me. He broke into her house. He text her because the dog wasn't in the house and my lame excuse was that I thought a different friend had taken her to the park. She said the dog was inside. He said he knew she was lying because he had gone in. He was arrested for trespassing because she called the police. I told the police he believed that was my residence, but they didn't care. My boyfriend was growing tired of all of it. He was thinking of ending things. I was a mess. My husband was in jail and my boyfriend didn't believe that I cared about him as much as I truly did.I picked my husband up from jail. We went to my parents house. We decided to get divorced. But we didn't do it.I went home to my boyfriend. Things got better. The next morning though at 5am my husband was banging on the door. I hid in the bathroom for two hours before deciding to finally face it all. I told him I stayed there because I was with other friends. That we had kissed once months before but that had been it. That I was staying there because I had run out of other places to stay that my husband didn't know where they were since during our whole separation he drove around town checking local hang outs and my friends homes for me. He believed me but he was angry. We spent four days at home trying to figure out if we wanted to save our marriage or not. I told him I wasn't talking to my boyfriend anymore, but I was secretly calling him from payphones telling him we were working on the divorce.My husband went to court. He told the judge he and I were working things out. Word travels fast and my boyfriend called my husband that night to find out what was really going on. My boyfriend came over. I sat them down and told them both the truth. And they both left.By the next day they both wanted to work it out with me. Nothing had changed. I still didnt know what I was doing. I loved them both. My husband decided he isn't going to be mean to me anymore. I know my boyfriend won't ever be.It has been two months since the night I confessed. I have admitted to my husband twice that I have still seen and talked to my boyfriend. Everytime he says he never wants to talk to me again and he wants a divorce. Yet he doesnt do it.My boyfriend said last time we talked that he just wants me to be happy. That if it would make my life easier for him to just disappear he will. That he just wants me happy. But that he really wants me to come home so we can actually try this relationship without all my other drama going on. I've been living with my parents.My husband says everyday he wants a divorce, then gets upset and asks what more does he have to do or forgive me of to get me to realize he is serious about us and that I should give it a chance...and that he wants me to write a letter to my boyfriend telling him he was a mistake and I hate him.I don't want to live in an abusive environment but I'm confused. It would be easier to stay married but I don't know how I could ever break it off with my boyfriend after everything he has gone through and how long he has waited and knowing how great it could be.But I don't want to hurt my husband. I want him to be happy, too, and it is scary to give up that security and know that I will be disappointing my whole family by divorcing him. I waited forever thinking he would just do it and I wouldn't have a choice so it wouldn't be so hard. And a little part of me still thinks maybe he could be nice and give me a nice life too. He keeps promising me that if I will just give it a chance and let go of my boyfriend that it will be worth it. But I hardly give my husband the time of day anymore because I know if I give him one ounce of commitment that we could go back into that horrible place again. I have trusted that so many times. I can't live in this emotional state anymore. I'm drowning. I need help. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Please give me some advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): He sounds like he has borderline personality disorder. I have been in that situation before. My spouse did not do more than push me or try to keep me in the home against my will (shaking and maybe one slap, but I don't remember for sure.) I did not have another man either, I went to my dad's.
The thing is that he is going to want you when you are not there, but when you are there, he will hate you. I separated for 2.5 months and told him I did not want him anymore. Everyone knew what was going on, so he was accountable to mom and my dad.
It only worked out for us because I followed my spirit (our children are young, and it will hurt them,) but I was not worried about hurting him.
In your case with the drinking and his parents past and the choking and threatening (I got that too, my dad listened to it on voicemail,) I am not thinking he is good for you.
I think I would divorce and stick with the good relationship. This is coming from a conservative woman. I believe in marriage, but I believe it is better to be single if you can't be happily married. If you don't have any other place to stay you could call a woman's shelter. I did that, but they did not believe I was desperate enough???
If you believe in remarriage, do it the right way and divorce officially before getting serious with man #2. Then make sure man #2 is not like man #1. Sometimes we are attracting a certain type of man. Besides, you are on the rebound and are not thinking straight.
Why not divorce and stay single until something definite is in your heart?
A
female
reader, siss +, writes (7 October 2010):
 He will offer you anything just to have a hold on you........ material things trips etc. are not love. Does he love you? You stated he is always trying to change you...... this is not love....Let it go.....
Before you wake up in ten years hearing the same thing (if he hasn't really hurt you) and asking yourself the same questions. The longer you stay he will chip away at everything you believe. An abusive person will find whatever they can to hold onto you. Ultamtly you are not the one he has a problem with it is himself. Could you ever have such ugliness towards a person? He is sick.. Stop making exscuses for him. and for yourself to stay. Why are you doing this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): I'm the anonymous poster who is ending her 2 year marriage after abuse....
Please know that all the kindness and love and gifts and wonderfulness that your husband shows you is all a part of the manipulation that an abuser does. They don't even necessarily consciously do so; it's deep rooted and they know no other way. You CANNOT sugar coat what your husband has done or who he truly is by simply pointing out the good side of him. He is an abuser. This is what and who he is. Reeling you back in is a part of the pattern. You are enabling him by going back and allowing this to happen. If you can't love yourself more than this and you love him more than yourself, then leave him for his own sake.
As for your parents...I cannot imagine any parent telling their daughter that it would be a mistake to divorce a man who has done to you what your husband has. That makes no sense whatsoever. Regardless, you are living your life and not your parents.
Again, I did not WANT to leave my husband, I NEEDED to and when I felt uncertain, I kept hearing a voice say to me "you need to leave". I hope I (and the other posters) can be that voice in your head saying "YOU NEED TO LEAVE!"
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 Two questions for you :
- your husband SAYS he's gonna do this and that . How do you know he's gonna do it , is he reliable and sincere ? Yes ? Like when ? Like when he denied being into cybersex then you found 3 different cybersex accounts ?
- again, how much your life is worth to you : 1000 bucks and a few sticks of furniture ? Gee, you don't value yourself much, do you ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne more thing...he told me that if I leave him he will pay all of my bills for a few months, give me all of the furniture and give me 1,000 dollars. Aren't abusive men supposed to try to make it as hard as possible to leave? At first he took all the money about 6 months ago and I resorted to maxing out a credit card to get by. But now he is offering me this. A sign of real change???? I'm sorry that my question is so long and I REALLY appreciate all the feedback I'm getting. I need to get 'unstuck.'
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A
female
reader, siss +, writes (7 October 2010):
This is a push and pull relationship. In the begining of your story his actions are inexcusable and you demand them to stop but as your story goes on the abuse has gotten worse and you seem to have found more excuses for you to stay with him. A comfort zone so to speak. Your comfort zone becomes a drama as I read your story more and more players get added to it. (staying with deifferent people) and slowly throughout the story people are walking away. One day when all the players have walked away because you stand in limbo and this man who has been so evil to you in so many ways is the only one looking back at you (because I assure you he will never walk away) what then? When he is still telling you, You are worthless, lazy forcing himself on you, calling you crazy and whatever misery he brings on you................ What truely do you want for yourself? I would say run.................. Men like this do not change.. Did you ever think he may need some professional help? because what he has done to you is inexcusable.... Let go of this drama.....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 October 2010):
And what about yourself ? Do you care about yourself ?
Not much .I'd say. In fact, not even a tiny little bit.
Otherwise you would not be "confused ". What is there to be confused about ? It's the simplest thing ever - you draw the line at physical ( and sexual ) abuse . For anybody with some self worth, it's the ultimate,definitive deal breaker.
At the fourth episode of choking , I lost count . Forget about the presents, the only present you need is the certainty he will not jeopardize your health and life , and that present,he ain't gonna give you.
Oh and the part about the rape. Yes, because that is what it is : RAPE. Having sex with a non-consentient woman, -when if she is asleep ,or drunk.
What little present did he give you after that ? A nice set of oven mittens ?
I am sorry, I know sarcasm won't help you, and I should be more empathic, - forgive me, I wish I could , but I loose my cool in front of post like yours.
Here you are,dealing with a violent deranged individual , who is a potential KILLER, and here we are worrying about
the boyfriend the dog and the social niceties and what people will tell and what your parents will tell.
Worry about yourself !!! Worry about remaining healthy, and alive- worry about putting yourself, psychologically and
physically, in a place of safety ,security and self reliance where this bozo ( or any other like him ) can't ever lift a finger on you !!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Princess Rae :)
I reread what I posted...and I really made my husband sound like a monster. On normal days he's great. I mean yeah he's pretty critical and it gets really tiresome and hurtful after a while. But he also tries really hard to make me happy. Always surprising me with big and little gifts. Always thinking of some way he could do something for me. He's controlling but it's because he is uncomfortable and anxious in life and because he wants me to be a better person. My parents said he called them almost every night while I was gone and he was so sad. He wanted so badly to be forgiven. And I feel like a huge ***** for that. I wouldn't have wanted to be left alone like that. And look how much he has forgiven me for...why would anyone forgive someone for causing them so much hurt and betraying them so badly if they didn't love them. That's what I can't reconcile...is how great he is and makes me feel so loved sometimes with what a harsh critical demeaning humiliating scary arse he is other times and it's all tearing me apart. He says if I'd just forgive him like he forgave me and move on he will get help and never act that way again. But I just dunno if I trust it. Ugh.
I didn't say enough about my boyfriend. I mean he is really awesome. He loves the crap out of me. His top priority is my happiness. The reason he has forgiven me is because he has seen the whole situation play out and he knows that it isn't against him that I have been struggling with the marriage. He knows if I had it to do over I would have figured this all out first and not gotten involved with him until I was truly free to do so. I have told him I don't want to hurt him either and that I won't ask him to wait. But he chooses to because he firmly believes we are made for each other. If it wasn't for all the rest we would be living one happy healthy life together right now.
I should also add that my parents have finally said they will support me in whatever I choose to do (wasn't sure about that until recently) but that they think finalizing this divorce is the biggest mistake I'll ever make. And having that in the back of my head is making it hard to trust myself.
So I am still very unsure of how to handle this. And I have no clue how to walk away once my decision is firm. How do you hurt and let go of someone you still care about???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): I think you know what you need to do. If you stay with your husband, this abuse WILL continue and continue and continue and only stop after one of you is dead. That's the cold, hard truth of it. You MAY "love" him but he does not love you. A person that loves you does not abuse you. This will NOT stop. He is VERY troubled and it will NOT change without him getting some serious help for HIS problem. And honestly, you cannot be a part of that.I left my husband of 2 years because of abuse which was mild compared to what you have described. He was verbally abusive initially and then grabbed me once before I left. I knew of the abuse with his previous wife and my experience was enough to tell me to go before it got worse. It was probably the most difficult decision I have made in my life. It hurt me to my core. Still does. I didn't want to divorce my husband because I loved him but I also couldn't be in that environment. It's been 4 months since I left and the divorce will be final the end of this month. I've cried and cried and cried. I've questioned myself over and over again. I miss...I desperately miss the good times and the good guy in him. But I know, with all certainty that I'm making the right decision for myself...and for him. The relationship had become unhealthy and I HAD to go. I think if I had a boyfriend there supporting me and loving me it would've made my decision easier. But I didn't have that. And honestly, I'm glad I didn't because I had to depend on myself to get through this and fully heal before allowing someone new in my life. Then that way I can be better prepared to not end up in another abusive relationship and be complete/whole in myself before being with someone new. You should consider just standing on your own before jumping into (or continuing) a relationship with your "boyfriend".Again, my experience was mild compared to yours, but I had to do what I had to do and that was to leave and divorce him. Please be wise. You know what you need to do.
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A
female
reader, Princess_Rae  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 Anonymous,What utter BS! "I don't want to hurt my husband"... Your husband is an utter psychopath for the way he treats you. I wanted to slap you for basically allowing him to get away with it and not standing up for yourself. Your relationship started with abuse, physical at that, and you let him deeper in to your life. Everything else spiraled from there. Your husband financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally manipulated and abused you for almost all of your relationship. And the sexual assault on top of that, even if it wasn't rape, it certainly wasn't consensual even if he is your husband. As a state's attorney here in england, I can tell you that this testimony you provided would be enough for the state to convict him of several offenses under the law. And he should rightfully be for all the crap he had dealt to you. You not only need to divorce him, but put his abusive arse in prison where it belongs. I don't care how much your family loves him, if they new everything that is in this post then they would probably feel way differently.Also your "boyfriend", the nice one, has had every right to leave you and in my opinion should have because your stringing him along has been just as abusive of his trust as your husband has been to you. You continually promise him your full devotion and yet you go back to your bastard husband, like a lost puppy. There is no saving this relationship, and as you realize it too. You need to move on. Your parents are idiots if even after the divorce they still take the abusive husbands side. I am running out of ways to tell you that you need to get out and fast, I only hope you realize that is the only option left after all this abuse. Sue him take every cent he has, put him in jail, DO SOMETHING!. You will never be happy with him, even you know that.Love,Princess Rae
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