A
female
age
36-40,
*ylaJ
writes:Boyfriend's Mother HATES MEI suspected my boyfriend's mother hated me when she repeatedly sang praises about his ex-girlfriend (two girlfriends ago) and how much the whole family loved her. It was confirmed when she began calling me NOT by my actual name but by his last ex, whom she hated, in front of other family members.My boyfriend, at first, was justing being absent minded with her hurtful comments. Recently, she sat her son down to tell him that she couldn't understand why we were still together. Now, his whole family objects to me even though they have only met me a couple of times. The mother has gone so far as to make up blatant lies about me then admit later they weren't "quite true".Has anyone gone through this?? Why is she such a wack-job, when she was sweet as can be in the beginning of the relationship!?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): yea my boyfriends mother doesnt like me either i met his mother she seemed really nice but after a while she starts saying these really hurful comments about me and then his mother's boyfriends son talks bad about me too and i i dint know what i did i was really respectful and nice wen i met them so i know how u feel
A
female
reader, Aylarsh +, writes (23 February 2008):
 Grin and bare it sorry love it's ust something you gotta go through for your love.3 Good luck
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A
female
reader, Omerta  +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Hey Ayla,
It sounds like she might just be jealous about the amount of time her son dedicates to you and maybe she didn't even like the "ex ex" g/f that much but is just using that as an excuse to be nasty and try and drive you and your b/f apart?!
My problem is my b/f's mother too...(and his sister!) He always puts them first and they play on that (his mother acts as if she can't look after herself and so he manages all her accounts and still lives with her at 27 yrs old) He says he feels like he owes her that much and because they are his only family in the UK (He's from Norway) he will always choose them over me, this crushes me as I am so tolerant with it and he takes it for granted :/
I mentioned to him recently that he needs to focus on what makes HIM happy now and again and leave his mum and his reckless sister (who in fact is 2 yrs older than him!) to their own devices...Maybe it will teach them to be a bit more responsible as I just think they are being selfish & lazy by letting him do everything for them.
If I say anything negative about them though, he ends up getting really p*ssed off at me and telling me not to get involved...Although I DO feel involved as we have been together for almost 3 yrs now!
If anyone has any suggestions on what I should do (or whether it's a lost cause) I would appreciate it greatly :)
Kate x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): The most important thing is that your boyfriend is on your side and sticks up for you. The reason its getting to you is that I think you feel isolated about all this. If he won't or can't then I suggest you find a different boyfriend i.e. a man not a child. It is time for your boyfriend to act as an equal adult - you should not be scalded and put down in this way and he should care enough about you to see precisely what is going on. His blind loyalty to family, and you paying the price for it, will not do you any favours. Trust me on this - if he can't stand up for you and at least be strong for you whether you confront her or not yourself now ....he never ever will.
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A
female
reader, AylaJ +, writes (6 September 2007):
AylaJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLuckily she lives in a sate that is very far... away for you guys in the uk she might as well be lving in paris, france and me in Liverpool. I don't go visit with him anymore and lately when he visits his family they still complain about total nonsense about me. He tells them they are ridiculous and don't know me at all, then they shut their mouths and move on.
Its too painful for me to go there and he understands. I've realize they keep digging their own holes. Its fine they don't like me but continuously try to destroy are relationship. At one point when his sister got a kindney infection (but was treated and needed to rest). She insisted that my boyfriend stay with them longer. When he decided to stay an extra day she went off to the bar (didn't drink alcohol). Then got sicker then tried move out of my home for the summer. When the doctor said she was fine and just needed to rest he packed his things to come home to me. She blamed me for that. Err is it possible to create a family with someone whose family hates you!?
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A
female
reader, atarisrocks +, writes (6 September 2007):
 my bf mum hates me too but ive learned to grit my teeth and just keep smiling as no matter what shes says my bf wont leave me coz he fully aware that shes like this so maybe you so do the same
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A
female
reader, AylaJ +, writes (6 September 2007):
AylaJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for that. Its taken a lot of time but I have bit the bullet. At first, I didn't approach it properly and made my boyfriend talk to them for me. I wanted an apology for all the really nasty things said to me and they refused. At that point I realized some of what you wrote.
I love my boyfriend and he is the best boyfriend I've ever had. I am blessed with him as my partner. But when they were doing these things to me I turned my cheek and said nothing I grinned and beared it. They still complained about me, they said I was a bad person. It feels so hopeless and painful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I had the same thing with my ex-partner's mother and it drove me to distraction. My mum told me not to let it bother me, but it wasn't so much her nastiness that bothered me as much as my ex's attitude -- he'd never stick up for me!! Which is one of the reasons he's now an ex, funnily enough! The one regret I have is not having it out with her. The one thing I wish I'd said to her, and what I now suggest you do, is this:"Look, [insert name], I know you don't like me -- you make that quite clear. But you have got to understand that I am your son's partner and I plan on being with him so we're going to have to sort this situation out. The snide remarks, the catty comments, the references to his other girlfriends -- all of it is disrespectful to me and it needs to stop. If there is something that I am doing that is causing you concern or fuelling your dislike for me, please tell me so that I can work on it. If not, and it's just a personality clash, then I'm going to ask you now to please exercise some respect for me and your son and at least try to be civil and supportive."She really needs to know that you're aware of her behaviour and she needs it brought to her attention that you're not going to accept it. When you put the ball back in her court and make her realise that her childish attitude is not acceptable, it may just make her adjust her tune. By you bringing it up, it's showing that you're not someone that can be steamrolled by her and that you want your relationship with her son to be respected so her respect for you will rise and you may just find a very different mother-in-law at the end of it!Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (6 September 2007):
 I'm sorry.
I know for a fact that this is hard from where you are coming from. My Mother-in-law was a total cow. After she died, I missed her terribly and still do. It took a while, but I could see how much she loved her son and her grandchildren. I now have two grown children that have had multiple relationships. As a Parent, From OUR perspective, it has been hard to watch them go through their relationships. There have been some that have stuck in our hearts and it's been hard to let them go, even though we are not the ones that have a say in the matter. There have been some that have been imposing on our children after they had split and, in both my son's and daughter's case, have become stalkers - the opposite extreme. Your boyfriend's Mom and Dad are probably just being really over cautious because they have an emotional investment in their kids future's. Their hearts are invested. They don't want to be judgemental, but they don't have any control and they have given away their hearts before. So now they are just being over-cautious because they worry about how things will work out between the two of you. The more that you can do to reassure them, the better. If you really love him, bite the bullet. If something is said, turn the other cheek. Show them how much you love your boyfriend, their son. If he screws up, don't critisize him in front of his family, he will lose face. Support him and let Everything roll off you. I know that it's hard, it's stupid, it's impossible, it's ridiculous, BUT, eventually, you win them over. They want to know that you will support your man. AND I'm not saying that it will be easy or that your boyfriend will appreciate it, SO it's up to you to tell him WHAT you are doing and WHY he should appreciate it. He shouldn't be unaware of what is going on. Women tend to rule the roosts and run the shows, but you are entering her roost and you are trying to establish yours. Tow the line until you establish your own. I hope this might have been of some help, coming from a fellow sufferer and having the eyes of a parent as well. Hope it helped.
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