A
female
age
51-59,
*emeplev
writes:OK extension of a previous question or ongoing issue sorry so long, My BF broke up with me last Nov for 13 days started talking and befriending a new girl but they never made it on a date due to a death in her family, but he said he never really left for a girl we broke up because he wasnt sure if he was feeling it for me and didnt want to string me and my daughter along. With that said, now its Sept the following yr and he is still friends on fb with her my last question had to do with whethter or not its still apprporiate for him to be friends with someone he contemplated dating after he met me?Well his mom literally just died at 915 pm a few hrs ago, I was a caretaker for her and he has no bro or sis and his dad died and only some distant cousins mostly jsut a whole lot of good friends many being ex gf and ex flings etc.. overall he is a great man but this one thing bugs me ..she posted(the girl from Nov) as did many girls on his wall about his moms death and she wrote sorry..blah blah thinking of you. now i am thinking this sounds pett yon my part ... but i am pissed because after a recent scuffle over a "friend" he met up for coffee at 1030 at night at her house(a friend from darts see my quest about that) after lying to me as to his whereabouts we discussed this particular chick(from Nov) and i told him i was uncomfortable with him having her as his friend. I wont ask him to remove her, he should do it because he wants to. Now my question is this...he is devasted about his mom is horrible of me to bring it up now? do i let it slide ? do i wait to see if she shows up?how he is with her? i have a feeling i will be very uncomfortable with all these women and ex flings and "friend" that are females hugging him and slathering him with sorrykisses..now i know i sound a little nutty because he burned that trust twice in the last year..no proof of cheating just a lie but his moms been sick ive been there thru thick and thin and had to put feelings and our relationshipon the backburner, but im frustrated. Why would a girl he knew briefly write sorry thinking of you about his mom usually peopke say sorry for your loss..not thinking of you? am i reading too much into this as i only slept a few hrs in the past two days sitting by his moms side waiting for her to pass? Thank you for reading this long blabbering post.(sorry for typos and poor grammar)
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (24 September 2012):
Happy belated Birthday.
You have my sincere condolences for the loss of your dear friend.
Please, try to get some rest whenever you are able. Sleep will help curb the feelings of insecurity and anxiety you have been experiencing.
In the coming weeks you may find yourself experiencing a multitude of emotions. Because you served as her caretaker, and were also close friends, you may feel like you need external support while you grieve for her loss. The Hospice website has information about support groups and provides links to non-profit organizations that may be available in your area. This is the page I found: http://www.hospicefoundation.org/supportgroup
If a hospice-like organization in your area assisted with his mother's care, you may be able to speak with someone who works for the organization to find out more about bereavement support for both you and your boyfriend.
*Hugs*
A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (23 September 2012):
demeplev is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all, tomorrow is the wake and Monday the funeral, we have been running non stop with preparations, I am oh so very tired..I do realize this exhaustion has brought up a lot of anxiety and insecurities in me..wow its so much easier to see other peoples problems and what they are doing wrong and so difficult to see your own. I thank you Aunts so dearly for all your advice and support. Good night. peace and love,
Deme
xo
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 September 2012):
 And for crying out loud get some rest.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 September 2012):
 happy birthday dear... hope you have the best day you can have.
what this post tells you is that you are not alone... us loving aunties will always be here for you.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (21 September 2012):
 I'm glad you feel better. Sorry for all you are going through and I should've shared my condolences on your loss. But for today, happy birthday!! I hope you have a good one despite everything going on.
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (21 September 2012):
demeplev is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWOW, I am so honored to have such responses to my very real issue, all of you keeping me on track and well footed. I would spend more time thanking each of you individually but I have been planning a funeral all day(and its my birthday) I just want to say I have taken everything into my head and am absorbing all that is MY issues and trying to maintain an equilibrium while my brain is in a fog and am sad and tired really tired from the loss of my dear friend. But honestly I know i have some insecurity issues and definetly trust issues, I realize how petty needy clingy and silly I might actually be to some degree. He is a great man and I try my best to maintainan a calm sense about me in these situations, im doing ok. I dorealize that people do say these condolences when i wrote my question i was on near no sleep just watched his mom die after days of sitting vigil and my button was instantly set off deep down I am insecure, i am fearful, he showed me early on he could walk away at anytime..but i will check myself..eyeswideopen, brutal but i respect your analysis and maybe it stung cause maybe its partly or wholy true.. as well as anonymous I hear you and thanks, so very confused...yes i fear that he may not be connected to me as much now that shes gone..i dont have control over that..but its scary.stacy36088 yes i will wait till time has passed befor i bring it up ..again.and candid cally, holy moly I seriously thank you for so much effort and really checking out my story..it brought yet more tears to me..yes i know at the end of the day he IS with me..i realize im very insecure esp after lying to me in june..it has changed me..its better im handling it better and i know i cant control him and what he does so i make sure i react in my best intrest..sometimes its hard..and ps im impressed with what you have been thru!! ALL of you THANK YOU great birthday present, thanks my dearcupid friends xoxox
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (20 September 2012):
I've read through some of your other questions to try and get a better idea of what has been bothering you about this woman who is on his darts team and is his friend.
This is what I feel you should do and why I feel this way:
You are his girlfriend and have been there for him AND for his mother as her caretaker as she went through treatment for cancer. Both of you have been through a lot emotionally as his mother's health declined. I feel the stress of watching his mother die slowly before his eyes has been devestating for him. Because you were her caretaker too, he most likely wanted to talk to someone else who knew him and was familiar with his problems, but was completely outside of the situation. This is where his darts partner was a friend to him. I feel she talked to him to help him to get a better perspective and insight about everything.
They have been on the same darts team for 3 years. Nothing has happened between them. While he did lie to you about going to her place for coffee one night, you showed up and addressed the situation.
Now, from what I've read, he befriended the girl from November around the time you two took an almost two week break (he wanted the break, not you) from one another. He has expressed that nothing happened between them. If their only interaction has been largely on facebook and only sporadic chatting about sports and other general small talk, they are nothing more than aquaintences/facebook friends.
Most people have a collection of facebook friends who are really more like real life acquaintances. People you see at the bar, friends of friends who share an interest in sports or a hobby. Facebook is for social networking. It is about being social.
When you see that the mother of one of your facebook friends has died, you express your sympathy on their wall because it is socially unacceptable to ignore such a sad status update. Because most people feel uncomfortable about death and yet obligated to express sympathy they will read what others have already written to get a good idea of what has been said and how it was written so they can create an original post instead of just duplicating what someone else has already said.
I believe this girl wrote that she was 'thinking of him' not because she really is 'thinking of him,' but because she wanted to have a sympathetic original post on his wall because it was the right and socially acceptable thing to do because his mother died.
I also believe that if you confront him about his friendship (facebook or otherwise) with this woman or any other woman any time in the near future, that you WILL LOSE HIM! His mother just died! You are both obviously stressed out. Instead of focusing on her service, and how this has affected your boyfriend, you are focusing your energy on being angry with a stressed out man who is in mourning because a female facebook friend that he might have considered dating almost a year ago wrote something nice on his wall after his mom died.
He is with you. As long as you do not allow your insecurities to get to you over the next few weeks, you two can get through this together and become a stronger couple. It is time to let go of your resentment for this woman. She is nothing more than a facebook friend from a confusing time in his life. If nothing else, you need to be proud of the fact that HE CHOSE YOU! You have more with him that she was ever given a chance to have. He cares more about you than he ever cared about her. Your relationship continuing for ten more months after a break (and during an incredibly stressful time) is solid gold proof of this fact!
How you act, how you support one another, and the woman you present yourself to be during the next few difficult months will either make or break this relationship. If you want this relationship to last, you need to be proud, mature, supportive, comforting, and above all not create any drama.
Why not get to know her and his other female friends? Instead of viewing them as rivals for his affection, you just might find that these women are simply genuine friends that you never got to know because of their gender...you might even become friends with them too...
My personal problem that stems from being a jealous insecure woman has to do with a deep seated fear. I am afraid that another woman will see in my fiance what I see in him and attempt to steal him away. He is truly my world and if I lost him, some part of my soul would just die. But most women really don't see him like I do. As long as I remind myself of this and I do not act angry/resentful and create petty arguments simply because I am jealous (without reason or merit) of a female friend, he is happy. As long as he is happy at home with me, he isn't going to risk losing that with another woman.
Months ago, we had a rough patch that finally led me to reach that conclusion. We've been together for 8.5 years through some incredibly difficult times and I can honestly admit that almost losing one another because of anger, misunderstandings, assumptions and resentment brought both of us even closer together. Instead of focusing on my anger on his lies about his friend, instead of acting out and pushing him away, instead of being resentful and negative and full of fear about losing him...I focus on the beauty of the bond we share. I focus on how we have braved drug addiction, sobriety, and depression together. I focus on how he stayed by my side even though I have been devestatingly sick through most of them. I focus on how we have been through most things that tear marriages apart and how it has only brought us closer together.
If you feel for your boyfriend like I do about my fiance, please try to focus on the good thing you have together. instead of being angry and resentful, focus on the good things you have and learn how to find joy in the bond you share. If you can work on becoming optimistic towards your relationship, the negativity that is causing you doubt will fade.
Optimism is a beautiful thing. If you can find it in your relationship, he will see you as a more confident and beautiful person and this will strengthen the bond you already share.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (20 September 2012):
I won't say anything about the darts and him lying to you about it until I can find and read your post on that. As for this I'd have to agree that "thinking of you" is a very, very common phrase when giving condolences. Also people on fb tend to say something whenever an event comes up even if they aren't close. Like birthdays or deaths. When they get notified they will say something. That's how fb is. I hate fb, but that's neither here nor there. I would leave this alone for now, he's grieving and these are acceptable comments from fb so nothing to be worried about with this. After his grieving period I would mention you do not like him being friends with this woman. If he won't delete her then I don't know what to tell you. I know my husband would if I was uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 September 2012):
DARN IT hitting the enter button again too fast.
I think you are AFRAID to ask because you KNOW the answer will be NO
Everyone is sorry when someone loses someone... even folks I have never actually MET on facebook (friends of friends or friends through an organization type of thing) are sorry when I'm in pain or I've lost someone....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 September 2012):
I fear you will find now that his mom is gone and your services as a caretaker are no longer needed, his interest in you is going to disappear...
why would he want to remove people he is friendly with from his facebook page. I don't. IF My fiance said "please remove your ex husband from your face book friends, it makes me uncomfortable" I would ask him why and assure him it was not an issue but I WOULD DO IT BECAUSE HE ASKED.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012): I disagree that you are by any means controlling., as eyeswideopen has stated. I think the emotionally events caring for his mum and her passing have raised underlying issues of loss and in away by how you write you are panicking that you may lose your guy to one of these girls who he keeps in contact with, ESP as you put nov girl. I think you need to take a deep breath, and give him the support that he needs, now is not the time to raise any relationship issues that you two may have, and by what you post theyr're are a few.
We can't make people stay with us, they chose that. No mount of worrying or fretting will change their decision if they so chose. With that said you do not want your behaviour to push him away. So as I said before be supportive, loving, and let him know how much you will miss his mom. That is a bond that no other girl has on FB they didn't know her or care for her you did that, outta love and affection for both your bf and his mother.
Thinking of you is I agree with eyeswideopen on that point , is just a comment that people do make . Try not to worry.
Take care
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 September 2012):
You come across as being very very insecure, kind of needy, and a tad controlling. These are all traits that most men find very unappealing. Also you sound very tired. I recommend you try to get some rest and let the condolences to your boyfriend slide. "Thinking of you" is a very common phrase in sympathy cards and notes by the way.
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