A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I turned 19 last month. And this birthday was quite eventful. It has actually sent my world for a toss.And I need help desperately.My parents divorced when I was 2. I've lived with mum ever since. I'm not allowed to talk about my dad. When i did.. all my life, I've been told that my father was a horrible, uncaring person who hurt mum and deserved to be dumped and be lonely all his life. And since this was the only view I had, I believed it. I believed I should hate my dad on principle and that I was better off without him. My mum and gran never let him meet me. And I was told that was the way things should be.The problem is, this birthday, I found mum's old diary. Turns out my mum cheated on my dad and left him. And while they were together, my gran never liked him and made sure mum did things to keep hurting him. She lied to him, made him suffer at work, she even made him miss crucial exams and interviews (they knew each other since college). She'd written all of it down!! My god! So even though I'm sure dad also must've hurt mum in some way, but the things she'd written.. I could never imagine mum to be like that. With the diary, I found many cards, that dad had sent for my birthdays. I know he calls up and mum never lets me talk to him. I've had his number too, but never called up.I got curious. So next day, without telling mum, I called up dad. After a few days, I met him. We talked. I've met him a few times since. He has a wife. He has a kid. And he's happy. He made me meet his wife. She's nice too. What I'm trying to say, he's not a bad person. He really loves me. If only mum had let him be a part of my life. What did I do to deserve to be away from my father all my life?Its making me hate my mum. I dont know what to do anymore. Confront her? Meet dad only in secret? I feel I've missed so much, I shouldnt anymore. I just cant think anymore.Please help.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (20 September 2012):
You have every right to see your dad, and your mom is going to have to accept that. End of story. In fact, your mother owes you the most heartfelt sincere apology possible. I wish you the best in your reunion.
A
male
reader, BachelorGreatUncle +, writes (20 September 2012):
"What did I do to deserve to be away from my father all my life?"Nothing. Mother was "punishing" father by using you as a weapon against him in to fulfill her own sick, twisted, self-serving agenda, egged on by granny I'm sure. "Its making me hate my mum. I dont know what to do anymore. Confront her? Meet dad only in secret? I feel I've missed so much, I shouldnt anymore."Don't confront mother, no point, she'll twist everything around to shift blame elsewhere, but neither should you feel compelled to keep relationship with father secret. You don't have to go out of your way to keep mother in the loop, but don't give father impression you're "cheating" on mother by seeing him. But you most certainly entitled to hate her with as much zeal, passion and fire of a thousand suns as you can muster. Of course, you're the one who has to navigate home waters, but you've now see mother for whom she is, and you need to try and find proper balance between surviving your mother's toxic presence at home while building relationship with your father.Unfortunately time missed is time passed, all you can do is be thankful you finally connected at dawn of adult life. Within a few years you should be in position to completely divorce yourself from mother and be free to establish strong and lasting bond with your newfound father.Best wishes, take heart in knowing that you've found one loving parent to be there for you through adult life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012): Wow, gotta clear the water out of my eye's...
You have the right to see your dad and be apart of his life. You are nineteen years old and are old enough to make your own choices, whether your mom likes it or not it's obvious you want and need your dad in your life.
You shouldn't have snooped your mothers dairy but you are human, we're curious and we make mistakes. I don't like dishonesty but you probably shouldn't tell your mother you did that, it can affect matters worse with the relationship between you and your mother. You have the truth for yourself now, just let it be, and don't feel bad if you can't forgive your mother, that was very wrong of her to do.
None of the following is your fault at all, don't let your mother push you into guilt. You did nothing to deserve being away from your father.
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