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female
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anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 2 years has a 7 years old daughter. She is from his previous marriage that his wife ran off with another guy. The daughter is now living with the mom who just had a new born baby. I’m in good relationship with my boyfriend’s daughter. I was talking to her one evening before she went to bed and she told me she’s very sad that she doesn’t get attention from her mom like she used to be and her daddy is spending time with me instead of her. I feel so bad. I dislike being the person who is stealing her daddy away from her. My boyfriend and I are planning to move in together soon. I’m scare I will be the bad person in the little girl’s eye. I was quite upset that night and my boyfriend was discussing with me that he’s not going to let me breakup with him because of a little girl trying to grab attention. He said it’s his responsibility to deal with it. I appreciate my boyfriend loves me very much and tries to calm me. However, am I too naive right now? This is going to be a problem without any solution. I told my boyfriend I don’t know if I can handle the pressure to be the bad person when I didn’t do anything wrong. Is there I can do to help this situation? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, penta  +, writes (29 August 2007):
 I think I can give you another perspective. My parents divorced some 30 years ago, and even then I knew it was for the best. And they split amicably.
The first time my mom had someone over for dinner, he was a family friend (he was not the reason they split) and I'd known him as "Uncle Rick" even before my parents split. And I liked him (still do).
(Remember, I liked him. Also remember, I didn't want my parents together, 'cause they were miserable together. This will be important later.)
I was fine with him coming over, happy even. Until he sat in my father's chair. I LOST it. I just started crying, and I had to leave the table. I think he left without eating, I don't remember. But it had NOTHING to do with him. His sitting in my daddy's chair meant that my daddy wasn't ever coming back. And it doesn't matter that I liked him, and that I didn't want my parents together anymore. The heart wants what it wants. Silly, huh?
Your boyfriend's daughter didn't say she doesn't want you around. She just confided that she's feeling left out with the new baby and you competing for her parents' attention. Stay. Be there for her. She'll find that you're another adult who will pay attention to her, which she really needs right now. DON'T see this as competition for her father's love, because it's not.
A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (29 August 2007):
 hlskitten provided some great input. She is a single mother and she knows whats going on from real experience.
Im a single father raising my daughter on my own and heres my experience for what its worth.
My last GF was really great with my daughter. Because my wife had died my daughter looked to her as a mother figure. This is not your problem but what is similar is that the child will definately picture you as a parent and have mixed up feelings about it. Its not personal it just happens. My daughter would feel like I was spending more time with my GF too. This wasnt actuly true but it FELT like that to her. My point is that from the mind of a child, a new parent is a scary thing and it can also bring feelings of conflicted loyalty to the bio mother or father.
I hope you can let go of the "bad person" view of yourself. I think that comes from not having been a parent yourself which can make this a little tricky for you. Part of being a good parent is remembering what its like to be a kid. Im sure you can do this. This doesnt mean your her best buddie but it does mean that you can relate to her. Girls need positive female role models and it sounds like this girl could really use a woman who understands the meaning of loyalty, love, and family. It sounds like you have the makings of that.
Best wishes!!
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (28 August 2007):
 She's still young, you still have the chance to win her over and be the hero. She needs a mother-figure to look up to and turn to. That could very well be you. If you approach the situation cautiously, and take small steps, my guess is, she's going to welcome having you in her life since her own mother seems to be a bit wrapped up in her own world right now. Don't do anything or say anything that comes across as though you don't approve of her mother's choices or lifestyle, after all, kids at that age do not understand adult choices (good or bad) and if she hears anything negative coming from you, she'll run to the rescue of her mother and defend her to the death, so to speak. Instead just be there for her. Plan fun things to do with her, let her talk when she wants to talk, be a good listener, don't always rush in with advise. As this child grows up, she'll be able to see things for herself and know that you were always there for her, even when her own mom wasn't. Don't try to be her Mom though, she will end up resenting you in the long run. Any discipline, or correcting she needs will have to come from her dad. That will keep you on neutral ground with her and keep her from feeling like you are a threat. Make sure your b/f spends time alone with her now and then so she doesn't always feel like she has to share him. It'll be healthy for both of them. Just be thankful she's not a teen-ager!! Good luck to both of you.
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A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (28 August 2007):
 She trusted you with her feelings, she did not do this to make you break up, she is far too young to know what you are thinking and in her world she told you because it was how she felt at that time.
She must like you or she would not have opened up to you, please dont punish her further by removing yourself from her life, all she was doing was being honest in a 7 year olds way.
You need to remember you are the adult and she is the insecure child who has had so much change in her young life and does not know yet how to cope with it.
Support your partner and support this little girl, keep the lines of communication open so at least when life is getting her down she can feel she can come and confide anything in you and you will listen and support but not judge or react, reaction is not what she is after she just wants a cuddle and a listening ear.
Include her as much as possible in things that you do together and remember she is getting older by the day so will not need as much re-assurance as time goes on.
You have up until now done well and she deep down does not blame you for anything or her words to you would have been spite filled and they were not, they were just an un-burdening of the soul.
Have faith in yourself as she and your partner have in you.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Hi
My daughter is 10 now but doesn't like me having a boyfriend. I'm single now and she has made it perfectly clear that she wants me to stay that way, wants me all to herself. Has told me i cant even LOOK at nice looking guys in the street! haha but we are very close. When i was with my ex she was quite stroppy some of the time (even though she did actually like him!) but kids can be very good at playing the neglected card when a parent is with someone. We used to take them lots of places, he had a child too, and they all got on well. There really couldnt of been a better set up, but if she had her way, i would of kept his daughter but got rid of him! hehe you cant ever please kids when it comes to rivals for their attention. And you and your guy are allowed a life remember! Its really not unusual.
Hope you get it sorted.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Hey babe you just keep doing what you have been doing you said yourself you have a good relationship with her.
She is just feeling a little left out at the moment as i think all siblings do when a new baby comes along, especially when it comes to a child of that age as it is viewed that they are more self sufficient.
Your boyfriend has obviously stood his ground on this one by saying he will not let you break up because she is trying to grab some attention.
Maybe you could suggest they have a bit of father/daughter time for a couple of hours here and there when she stays over.
Just remember babe she is a little girl who is a little insecure at the moment, please don't let that destroy your relationship.
Take care.xx.
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