A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I wrote a couple months back...and need advice. I have been with my boyfriend for ten months. He is still married...he has been seperate from his wife for 2 and a half years...she has been living with her boyfriend for 2 and a half years... Me and my boyfriend are both 37. I have 2 children 8 and 5 that adore him. Recently the "wife" has been harrasing me with emails...she said if she wanted him where do you think id be...and that she doesnt want him back right now that shes concentrating on her career... Shes always calling and texting him now..and she even has a boyfriend in her life... I personally think she wants her cake and eat it too and is,only starting trouble... Which she has...they went out for dinner two times in the last month..and says her boyfriend is ok with it...well im not :(...ive tried to talk to my boyfriend about this...his first excuse for not divorcing her was his surgery...now its that hes confused...he says he loves me and wants to be with me..but still wont divorce her...i asked him to tone it down talking to her...but shes even his dispatcher at work. He says he has feelings for two woman...is with me and he said that he never said he was going back to her...i have invested so much in this relationship...hes not ready to be a family with me...my kids love him so much...i really do not know what to do and its killing me inside...any suggestions?
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female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (31 May 2012):
 I know its hard, but you have to be brave. It will feel like a band aid being ripped right off of your heart at first, but just be courageous
Just face the pain , don't try to hide it just feel it... Because even though it might not feel that way, it WILL pass
you will one day look back on this and be so ANGRY with him... But right now is the time for sadness, so just face it, the only way out is through and there's no avoiding it, it just gets worse with every day you wait
everyone here thinks you deserve far better than this, and deep down, you know that too.
we will believe in u til you are ready...
A
female
reader, Siteme +, writes (30 May 2012):
 You can't be happy, yes he is happy, he is screwing with your head, and his wife is having fun screwing with your head as well. dump them both!!!! You need to get back to being YOU!!!!! Get off this drama merry go round that they have involved you in. It's a game they are playing to keep there marriage going, they're drama game. Get out of it NOW!!!!! Seriously, does this feel like HAPPY????
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2012): You need to break up with him now and never look back. This guy is clearly not able to have a normal new relationship whether with you or anyone else. He is a mess if he's dealing with his estranged wife in this way. A normal emotionally healthy and strong person would go all-or-nothing: either stay married or divorce and move on with new boundaries put in place against the ex-spouse. He's not doing this. That means he's not capable of being involved in a new relationship. He's only with you because you provide him some benefits so he can continue limping along in his life this way. As long as you continue staying with him, he will see what he's doing as a viable lifestyle. You may voice your complaints but as long as you accept it by sticking around, he has no reason to make himself uncomfortable by doing something about her.
You can't do anything about what she will do, and how he will respond to her. That's between them. As long as there's still stuff going on between them, he will not be 100% with you. If you can't handle your partner not being 100% with you (and very few people can, so you're not alone), then the only thing that is within your control is to leave him and find someone new who isn't carrying around all this unresolved baggage. Your only mistake is that you chose an immature weak-willed man to give your heart to.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 May 2012):
 YOU, Lucky Lady, are being the fool in this charade. How long will you deceive yourself in to believing that there is ANYTHING in this for you????????
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour all right.. I know my brain tells me one thing and my heart tells me the opposite... I try to let go and I cant.. used to be so appy and bubbly.. Now im just quiet.. I really thought he loved me...we both seemed to be happy... Now I dont know how to feel or how to begon to handle it
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A
female
reader, agneeman +, writes (29 May 2012):
my sweetheart you are in such turmoil. And such denial.
Read all the posts, I've never seen anything more unanimous on Dear Cupid.
She is not his ex-wife. Ex means divorce...
He does not care for you or your kids, if he did he would give you more security... This is not how a man that loves you acts. This is how a man that loves his wife (who doesnt want him) acts.
You HAVE to stand up to him or your kids will get hurt. It is far better for them to face him being chased away by you than the feeling of abandonment from yet another father figure...
I would rather be alone than be in your situatuion, and when you finally let go of the pain, and whatever payoff this jerk is giving you, you will agree with me...
He loves his wife, and he loves her strongly. So strongly that his love has not shifted with ALL that she has done.
You would never get away with doing half this to him. you are being so used and you are accepting it. You are allowing someone to use your kids...
Plus, while you're with him, you are missing out on who ever is deeply in love with you out there and actually WANTS to take care of you and the kids...
And do you know who the most special person is that you are missing out on? You. I say, bite your lip, kick him out... Do all the crying and when you are ready, start to lavish all the love on you and the kids
that you would have lavished on that fool.
Take bubble baths and walks in the park and whatever else.... Spoil you, because you're gonna need to be all sexied up when Mr Right comes knocking.
Just make sure he isn't kept out because you are "wasting the pretty" on Mr Wrong
HJNTIY. Read that book.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): Agree with the first poster, as hard as it is to accept she is still his wife. You are best off being firm and strong and telling him "Leave. You need to decide who you want, if it is me do not come back until you are divorcing your wife and if it is her never come back" He said it himself he has feelings for two women, in life you can't he has to decide which one and why should you be strung along and your children further bond with him if he can't 100% commit to you.
Wouldn't you rather have this on your terms? Why let his wife interfere when she seems to be playing a game with her boyfriend, your boyfriend and trying to involve you. It will set a good example to your children in the future that you can stand up within a relationship to do what is right, even when the right thing is the hardest thing to do.
Best wishes in the future
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A
female
reader, Siteme +, writes (29 May 2012):
Well, at my age, 56, I have been where you are, I stayed with it and found out how it ends, "or how it never does" In my experience, the guy loved the drama and it was such an ego boost to him that not only did his girlfriend, (me) want him but his x wanted him as well. Now that is a dream come true for him. Even though I ask him not to take her messages, calls texts etc... he would take them anyway and then there would be "the flat tire", the leak in the faucet, this went on and on. I finally (and I had two sweet little boys as well), the ex was seeing someone, but I finally said, nope not gonna do this, he was so surprised and HURT, oh yeah, I said, that would be something coming from you and I ask him who he thought he was hurting for the last year. I told him at least he has someone to fall back on since he had his ex that he would not divorce. Well after I kicked him out and moved on, he went back to his ex. From what I understood after the fact, she had someone and she did not want anything to do with him since he wasn't dating anyone. He tried to come back and I just said Nope, not gonna happen. I hope he learned a good leason. But some people don't. I would dump the guy, he isn't loyal. Get rid of the drama, it's not good for your kids or you, trust me my kids hold it against me.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Liz  +, writes (29 May 2012):
Dr. Joy Brown said that women have two kinds of men, acceptable and unacceptable. While men have three kinds of women, acceptable, unacceptable and good enough for now. Which one are you? Which one do you want to be? If this is good enough for you and you like being treated this way by this man and having this woman rub your nose in it I guess that is your choice. However please stop and consider that you have involved your children in this. A boy will grow up to think it is ok to treat a woman this way and a girl will grow up to think this is all she deserves. You need to get some perspective on this. Take a break from this guy. Look into counseling for yourself. Ask yourself why you have been willing to put up with this. Get healthy. If not for yourself do it for your kids. Maybe this guy will realize his mistakes and treat you better, but maybe you'll realize you can do better.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 May 2012):
 He is a married man. He's not going to leave his wife. She isn't an ex-wife. She's his wife. Any past and future investment you can make will not have a return.
As long as he is still married, you being okay or not with his spending time with his wife is irrelevant. As long as he is still married to her, you have no future. This is his fault for involving a third party into his marital problems, that third party being you.
So, do you want to hurt fast, or slow? Being with him now is an exercise in masochism because you will never have him. It's not his wife that wants her cake and eat it too, it's your boyfriend. He has everything good -- the wife who strokes his ego by fighting over him, and you, who he can sweet talk into not expecting what you should in a relationship. It's a sweet deal...for him...until you wise up and think about your own future.
Your kids will fall in love with someone else...someone without baggage like this. Get out while you can, before you waste even more time!
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