A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am recently reunited with my high school sweetheart from 30 years ago and he says that things are headed toward marriage for us. He and I both say that we've never been happier. We have a long-distance relationship at this point. I am divorced and have two children, but he never married although he did live with a woman for 5 years. My problem is that his ex-live-in lover is still invited to all family functions, and he even invites her to his house for events like the 4th of July, Thanksgiving, and even Christmas. She is married and has two children, neither are his. The husband comes too, but it really hurts to see her there. They also work together and they have lunch together too. He says that she is a "very, very close friend and he loves her like a sister." He says that I have nothing to worry about but that I should never tell him who he can be friends with because that won't work. I have told him that its painful for me to see her accepted as a member of the family and that he still has a close relationship with her. He says that I am "nuts" and just need to get over it. What's going on? I think he really does love me. Am I just insecure? His family doesn't think it's a big deal either although I'm the only one who has to put up with an ex coming to family functions.
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christmas, divorce, his ex, insecure Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): let this friendship be. she is married, has kids, she is not a threat. yes i know a tad bit uncomfortable but let it be. if you push the idea of alienating her, you will look like the fool to the family.
-LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): It is nuts ,to believe in your high-school sweetheart! It is an face book epidemic.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 And whilst I love Miamine (I really do :-) ), the advice there is putting the ex-girlfriend's motives to question, and not your boyfriends. This ex is not a problem at all. (Caring guy)
Understood, I missed that one, thank you.. :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 August 2010):
I don't doubt for a second that nothing is going on between them. I think from his friend's point of view, there is nothing at all in this. She is married, and has since had children with this other man. I genuinely believe that to her, this is purely a friendship. I don't think you have anything to fear from her.
I sadly think that your boyfriend still loves her. And I say this from a male point of view because I can see the signs. His immediate response to your concerns was to jump on a huge offensive and say 'You can't make me pick my friends'. Fair enough, that is a valid argument. But then he claimed you were 'nuts'. That's a sure male sign he is hiding something. Read some posts on here about guys who have said that their girlfriends are 'nuts'. The're not nuts. They're nearly always right.
Spiderweb makes a valid argument about you overreacting - you don't have the right to choose friends which is something you must bear in mind for anything in the future. But the idea that if he'd stayed, it would have worked out is wrong. I think it was his ex that ended it, not him. I don't think he got over it.
And whilst I love Miamine (I really do :-) ), the advice there is putting the ex-girlfriend's motives to question, and not your boyfriends. This ex is not a problem at all.
I do believe this woman poses no threat. I also believe your long distance boyfriend is very much in love with her. I think things between you two will never develop beyond you being second best, because you're long distance, and this other woman will always be there. He has also never married or really been with anyone else other than her.
I'm a male, so I know the signs. She sees him as nothing more than a friend. He, sadly, sees her as so much more. I think you should move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): I really feel for you and i also think a couple of people have been a little harsh in the replies. I was in a simalar situation. It was a bit more complicated. Its all good and well people saying he is with you now blah, blah, blah but it still hurts having a third person in your relationship which was happening in my case. They did more together than we did. He also said the the same thing as your boyfriend that i could not tell him who to be friends with. We were long distant at first and i knew she was always around him which was hard to cope with. I said i didnt mind keeping her as a friend as long as they were not so close as i didnt feel this was right. there are boundaries. He wasnt that close to his other friends. It takse time and a lot of patients. I found cards and letters all over the house from her and this made it worse. It wasnt till i moved in with him that she got the mesage that i wasnt going anywhere and she backed off. I know they keep in touch by the odd text or email and im ok with this, at least she is not in his pocket. in m opinion if he has you and he is happy then he wouldnt be so bothered about the so called friend.I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK AND HOPE IT WORKS OUT X
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 August 2010):
His family know her and expect her to be at these family functions.. What do you expect him to do.. Stop going and dump his family, or tell her to stay away. If she stops coming to see the family I'm sure they got her number and will call her to find out what is going on.
Not a good way to start a marriage, getting your boyfriend to get rid of his friend. If she disappears because of you and the family like her, I don't think they'll be celebrating your wedding to him.
Nothing worse than a girlfriend who is jealous and causes her partner to start loosing friends. If he wanted to be with her he would, but he's told the truth, they are friends and his family expect her to be there.
What do you want to do now... Ask him to get rid of her? Get rid of him? Avoid his family or ask him to avoid them. The classy thing is to realise that your the girlfriend and she's his friend and she's married to a husband she probably loves. If there was something to worry about don't you think her husband would have divorced her?
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A
female
reader, spiderweb  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 You're overreacting. He's right - you can't tell him who he can and can't be friends with and by insisting on trying to break up their friendship, you will only alienate him. Try and make her your friend too and stop with the jealousy. If he wanted to be with her, their relationship would not have ended. He wants to be with you. Be glad and stop worrying.
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