A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, usually. We have a 2 year old little boy, a fab house and we're currently planning our wedding for next year.When he's had a drink, he gets loud (which I can deal with) but if I don't want to continue drinking wih him after a while, he will get nasty. I'm a bitch apparently. He also throws in that I'm a fat tw*t or other disgusting words. He will always play on my weight and tell me that he has never wanted to marry someone like me and that he only goes along with it for an easy life.When the next day comes along, he will apologise and say he only said it to hurt me which is what people do when they row. This time though, he has said, in a text message whilst I'm at work, "Don't be with me, I wouldn't be with me, you can do better x"I'm so confused.
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female
reader, natmarie +, writes (24 June 2010):
 Suggest he goes to AA as soon as possible, . If he refuses - tell him you will need to rethink the marriage and infact rethink the whole relationship, as you cannot have you children growing up with an alchoholic that also acts out in a nasty way. ark my words - he will soon start on them too as his problem becomes worse which it will if he doesn;t sort it out now. Please try to protect your own life and that of your children. You may need to consider leaving him if it contiunes. There's nothing worse than a nasty drunk, and he may end up getting physical too at some point.I lived with an alchoholic, and know just how serious and damaging it can be to one;s confidence. i hope this has been helpful. All the best. Nat MAriexx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): Awwwwww, what horrible things to say! And how devastating for you to have to hear them! Even though you know it's the drink talking and he doesn't really mean it, it must be destroying your self-confidence to hear these things repeatedly. The problem is, when someone says nasty things over and over again, even when they're in a bit of an 'altered state', a part of us tends to start believing that those things are true, even if we know rationally that they aren't.
You shouldn't have to put up with such behaviour, and it sounds like your boyfriend fully recognizes this when he is sober. I don't think his text message is an expression of any doubt about his love for you. He's certainly not dumping you! It's simply an acknowledgement that the things he says when drunk are incredibly hurtful and that he realizes that they are having a negative impact on you. When he says 'I wouldn't be with me' you can hear how much he hates himself for doing this to you. In my view, it's a bit of a cry for help!
It sounds like he's a good guy who is having some problems with alcohol. There are two overlapping possibilities here: he could have an addiction to it, or he could have other problems that alcohol is tending to exacerbate or bring out. (Often the two are connected, so you find people have a little bit of both.)
Think about when he drinks, how often he drinks, and how much. Check out the 'healthy' limits on alcohol suggested by the NHS and see how his drinking relates to those. If he's downing far more than is healthy for him, or having to drink almost every day, or drinking to cope with emotional situations and problems, then he has an addiction.
However, even where there is not an addiction, alcohol affects different people in different ways, and sometimes it can even transform people from being lovely individuals into selfish and egotistical monsters! This is often a sign that there are other problems in that person's life. For instance, if someone has a difficult history (of childhood neglect, abuse etc.) this can come out in strange ways when their inhibitions are lowered a little by drink. Clearly, when your partner has some alcohol in him, he starts to feel aggressive and threatened, and tries to belittle and demean you to make himself feel better. It's important to try and understand WHY he does this. What drives his feelings of insecurity when he's had a few pints?
I suggest that as a starting point you and your partner sit down and talk about this. It's important that the conversation happens when he is sober and not too tired to have a proper discussion. It's going to be quite a difficult conversation for you to handle, because you have to make him see how his behaviour when drunk is impacting on you, without being angry or accusatory (which will just precipitate an argument).
It might be a good idea to begin by expressing care for him. Tell him that you are genuinely concerned about his behaviour, and physical and mental wellbeing. Explain that the emotional abuse is doing damage to your relationship, and that you don't want your child to overhear it and feel that this is a suitable model for a relationship. Try to keep your anger contained - even though you must feel extremely upset about this and have every right to be furious, you are more likely to make headway if you show him your hurt than your rage! Keep telling him how much you love who he is when he's sober, but that you can't stand the emotional abuse when he's drunk. Encourage him to get some help for the problem.
It is important that you don't act as an enabler of his behaviour. While he sounds like a nice guy when sober, no amount of Prince Charmingness on his part makes up for these outbursts when he's drunk. He needs to understand, very clearly, that you simply won't keep putting up with it. For your own wellbeing, and for the sake of your child growing up in a household where his father treats his mother with the respect she deserves, you must draw a firm line and take a stand if this is to stop! The bottom line is: if he can't handle a few drinks without abusing you, he shouldn't drink at all. Full stop.
Also, do not feel that you have to deal with this alone. Whatever his issue with alcohol is, it's clearly a complex problem. You may need to enlist the help of trained professionals, i.e. doctors and counsellors. You may simply be too 'close' to the situation, or he may worry too much about appearing upset in front of you, to be the person he can open up to. Another idea, if counselling is too difficult to get on the NHS or too expensive, is for him to join a self-help group, like Alcoholics Anonymous. I know it's a big step, but it helps a lot of people to deal with similar issues.
Finally, don't neglect yourself. While I've devoted most of this reply to talking about how you can help your partner, you too are in need of support and care. You've been suffering horrible emotional abuse for some time, and it's going to have affected you in a negative way. You might find it helpful to get some counselling yourself, or even to join a group for people in similar situations (e.g. Codependents Anonymous http://www.coda-uk.org/).
Finally, you might find this website (and this article in particular) helpful:
http://www.alcoholissues.co.uk/how-can-i-talk-partner-when-he-drunk.html
http://www.alcoholissues.co.uk/codependency-how-families-enable-alcoholics-function.html
I hope that you can sort this out. I really feel for you - this is such a tough problem for you to deal with, especially on top of having a little boy in the terrible twos! Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTalk about tough love!
I guess what you're saying CaringGuy, it what I know deep down already. I just don't understand why when things are good, they're really really good, and when this happens once in a blue moon, it really makes me have to question our relationship.
Thanks :-)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 June 2010):
You're with a bit of a loser. He can't handle his drink and really does bring out the nasty side in him. I think you need to tell him that he needs to get his act in together. He has a son, and needs to sort himself out. But this is a man who goes out of his way to hurt you. People don't do that in arguments. That's a bit more sadistic. Think a bit more carefully about this man. Unless he quits drinking and gets it together, he will not be a good role model for your son.
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