A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiI’m in a bit of a dilemma and seriously need some advice. I’ve been with my bf now for 7 months. We both love each other And have spoken frequently about marriage and living together. However here is my problem. I have met and get on very well withTwo of his kids. However his 12 yr old son refuses to meet meSays he hates me even though his never met me. Which makes things stressful for no reason. When he comes over to Stay with his dad I’m not allowed round. In fact my bf will hardly Text or call because his son is there. I could understand if his parents split up recently, but they split up almost 4 yrs ago long before I came along. I was doing ok with it as his just a kid. But recently I am starting wonder if I should end things. If he wants to marry me , yet does nothing in resolving our issue with me being kicked out every time his son comes round, how can he expect us to get married? Many of our friends think his ex is putting things in his head so he will never want to meet me. I feel very hurt and pushed aside every time he comes over. Am I wrong in wanting to be put first sometimes? I feel like his son runs our relationship. Also from being every Friday , lately it’s gone to every weekend! And when I’m with my bf we have a great time together. But as soon as I go home it’s like out of sight out of mind. Feeling confused and sad. Thank you for your advice in advance. Sleepless in London
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 January 2019):
 My partner's daughter was very similar when I first got together with him. An only child, she was not at all happy that her father might give someone else attention. She was moody, sullen, rude, everything I would EXPECT a child to be who is feeling insecure and doesn't know how to handle it because, at that age, few children can handle those sorts of emotions. She has now matured into a lovely young lady (just turned 21) and we get on extremely well.
This is a 12 year old CHILD. His behaviour tells me this is one very unhappy (and possibly insecure and frightened) child. His father needs to reassure him that he will not stop loving him, just because he has a new girlfriend.
That said, it is your CHOICE whether you want to put up with this. It is very seldom easy. I would be lying if I said it was. I remember how difficult it was all those years ago. And this went on for YEARS so don't think it will change overnight. However, remember this 12 year old will not be 12 all his life. Eventually he WILL grow up and his behaviour WILL change. It depends on how patient you want to be. There is no right or wrong way to do this. It is simply what is right or wrong for YOU.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 January 2019):
 I wouldn't date a guy who thinks this is the way forward, both as a parent and partner.
Someone who will IGNORE me for days in order to not upset his son, is probable not the partner for me.
And no matter how LONG you have KNOWN the guy... talking marriage IS too soon when there are ISSUES like this going on. MARRIAGE will NOT solve this.
And IF your BF is allowing him to be disrespectful the times you HAVE been around... that is just another reason he isn't a good fit for dating ANYONE right now.
The son has gotten away with this for 4 years, it's NOT going to change. Your BF isn't going to change.
You are just going to continue wasting time "waiting" for this to change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have known each other most of our lives, talking about our future does not mean we are going to rush into anything. Also his son is far from shy, his actually quite forward. Uses obscene language, and is very controlling. However thank you for your comments, I can see how you May see me as being selfish, but you really don’t know the half of it. I have decided to drop the subject now, because quite frankly I would never force my bf to chose, neither would I force anyone let alone a child to like me. I understand a child’s needs comes first, but where do you draw the line when they are abusing the situation purely to get their own way!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2019): I am going to disagree to a point with the advice you have so far been given.If your boyfriend is telling you he loves you and wants what you want in the future, marriage and commitment then why would you doubt that? I agree with the thoughts that his son cannot be made to like you, i wonder why the other two do though, different mother? older? why have they not been brainwashed into disliking you if they all have the same mother? I think you need to sit down with your boyfriend and talk about what can be done to start to thaw the frost his son has towards you, he needs to tread carefully with him and to get it right but long term if you stay together there has to be a plan in place to settle his sons feelings. At the end of the day i disagree to a point that a child should dictate to their parents, especially if it is not justified, you have done nothing wrong, your relationship with his father is not wrong either so you are within your rights to want things to improve if possible and not feel shut out. Communicate with your partner, see how he sees this being resolved or if he thinks it can't be because people do remarry and children then become part of a step nucleus family, even if it is just at weekends, it can't go on long term and you are at that point where you know that..Best of luck x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2019): Thank you ALL for your response.
Where yes they were real harsh, I think I needed that. Reading some of responses made me realise I am being selfish. Of course I understand his still a child, and to answer a question yes I have 3 children myself all adults. I’ve actually known my bf for over 30 years and his a superb father. I wouldn’t want to change him or force his son to meet me. I was merely asking am I being selfish for wanting to come first SOMETIMES. I feel that there is a line somewhere that has to be compromised. But yes I agree I should wait for at least a year together and see where we are at then. But yes I can see I’m being a bit selfish. Thank you
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 January 2019):
Op, my response is going to sound harsh but please read to the end. I have been where you are so I do understand how difficult it is.
I usually read posts and try to guess the age of the person posting, then check and see if I was right. I got it VERY wrong for your post. I expected to see a teenager had posted, not a supposedly mature woman in her 40s.
You expect your boyfriend to prioritize a 7 month relationship over his children? You are surprised his son does not want to meet "daddy's girlfriend"? You are either extremely naive or extremely selfish, or maybe a touch of both. You most certainly appear to have an extraordinary sense of entitlement.
Nobody worth their salt will prioritize a relationship over their still young children. What do you expect your boyfriend to do? FORCE the 12 year old to meet you? FORCE him to like you? FORCE him to be polite to you? WHAT exactly? I am at a loss to understand.
If it was your boyfriend who was writing in and saying "my girlfriend of 7 months is getting shirty because my 12 year old is being a 12 year old and refusing to meet her. She also doesn't like it because I have to spend time with him because he is at a vulnerable age and obviously feeling insecure and hurt because he feels his dad's girlfriend is more important to him and he is and I am having to spend time reassuring him that this is not the case", then I would be advising him to re-evaluate your relationship and back off until such time as either the girlfriend or the son grows up.
Sorry to sound harsh but you are dealing with CHILDREN. YOU, on the other hand, are an adult. Don't act like one of the children. Not everyone has to like you. If something this minor is all it takes to make you question the validity of your relationship, then you have definitely rushed into things, proclaiming you love someone you barely know. Your boyfriend is a good dad by the sound of things. Hopefully, for the sake of his children, he will continue to be a good dad. If you can't get your head round that, you need to find yourself someone without children, or someone who is not a good father. Ask yourself though, could you really love someone who is NOT a good father? Would he make a good husband?
Sorry to sound harsh but you have chosen to have a relationship with someone who has other priorities. You cannot demand that he suddenly changes his whole personality. His children should ALWAYS be his priority, especially while they are still young and vulnerable. It's tough. It is hard enough being the parent, let alone the partner of a parent. You need to either accept this as part of your relationship or walk away. You do have a choice in this but only in as far as YOU are concerned. You cannot change others.
If you feel this situation is really not for you, then you really SHOULD walk away. It is not for everybody. It does not make you a bad person. It just means you need a different type of relationship.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 January 2019):
 I am getting the impression that you don't have children. Forgive me if I am mistaken. Dating a single parent can be trying at best, impossible at worst. I was once a single parent and trust me, my child came first. I was lucky that she was only 4 and it wasn't as difficult as it could have been if she had been older. As hard as it might be for you, your boyfriend SHOULD put the needs of his son first. Yes, the son may have figured out that he can manipulate his dad and his feelings but please keep in mind that the child is hurt/angry/confused and don't take it personal. Almost any child of that age would probably be a little resentful and doesn't want someone replacing his mom as the lady by his dad's side.
I will be honest, I am not sure if I could handle taking on 3 kids because not only are you dealing with the kids but the ex wife is always going to be somewhere in the picture (as it should be) and it can really be a hard row for some people to toe. My daughter tried dating a man with 3 children (she had been married before but no kids) and in the end, it was just too much taking on 3 teenage kids.
The key thing is that you really need to have patience and be understanding. Its quite alright if you don't think you can handle it, walk away now. You will be dealing with his children for the rest of your lives and the ex. Some might consider that too much baggage.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 January 2019):
 In truth, it's prudent to take things very slowly when it comes to introducing a new boyfriend/girlfriend to a child. Most experts and manuals actually suggest waiting an actual YEAR before introducing a new lover into an existing household. Seven months is still a brand new relationship.
Don't take anything his son says personally. He may SAY he hates you, and he may even believe it, but in truth, what he hates is the breakup of his family, his mom and dad splitting and his father bringing in a threat to their getting back together. It has nothing to do with you personally. Things like this take lots of time. YEARS in fact. It is intelligent of his father to go extremely slow and keep the two of you apart while his son comes to grips with this permanent change. Believe it or not, but this is the proper way to ensure a long-term serious future for the three of you.
As others have pointed out, his first priority is, always will be, and HAS to be the well-being of his son, just like when it comes time for you to have your own child, if you ever do, that child will become top priority, as it should be.
For him to prioritize time towards his son, that's actually a good move in terms of softening his son's demeanor towards you. He is a good father who loves his son and is giving him the most precious gift he can give -- his time. He also gives you his time as well, but unlike his son, time with you isn't hard-fought in the court system or regimented between his son and his son's mother. The courts have custody and visitation rules, and unfortunately, this is the baggage accepted in dating a single parent.
I know it's hard not to feel hurt, and it *is* your choice in deciding whether dating a single parent is something you want to do. This *is* the baggage that comes along with this fact, and requires lots of patience and acceptance from you. Don't make this a tug-of-war between you and his son. You'll lose, and that *is* as it should be.
Be patient! Don't rush things. He shouldn't be fully integrating you into his son's life for at LEAST a year into your relationship. Just slow down, and enjoy quality over quantity when it comes to time. Reach out when the time comes. His son doesn't really hate YOU as a person. He just hates the state of events.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2019): My opinion is somewhat a mishmash of everyone else's and lil sprinkle of what I would do if I were you .First off.. take a breathe.. rome wasn't built in a day and neither is relationship . That said no one here can tell you 7 months is to soon. I know of a couple who met knew on the first date and got married.. 22 years later their gamble paid off . So only you and your boyfriend can say .However my concern would be why he doesn't text you around his son . That's plain weird . As yes children come first but they shouldn't dictate parents behaviour.. for instance you tell your child it's bed time and they argue so you let them up .. if he was saying this lady is someone special and one day will be more a part of my life .. his son whether he likes it and as long as you are good with his son and I see no indication you wouldn't be would have to put up with you..You can't make someone like you .. you don't need to accept bad behaviour when you do have contact but that jumping the hurdles before we have any ..Words are cheap .. so your bf really needs to back them up .. my opinion and plan Sit back for the next 5 months that takes you up to the year mark .. give him the space when seeing his son but ask that he send a good morning .. lil text in the evening and a night text. That take a at least 8 mins if that out his day .. if he can't do that .. I would rethink the whole thing I wouldn't push to met his son .. but would be hoping by 9 month your both seeing each other parents and being integrated into each other's friends n family .Once the year was up.. I would be looking for some form of commitment a engagement ring.. you don't need to get married for a few years down the road or planning to move in together by this point.. he needs to be showing his children that your a part of his life that your not their mother but you will be helping support and be a friendly face in this world of chaos.. that they don't need to love you but they do have to be polite to you and get along. If they can't it won't be tolerated .. as you to need a place. It's very difficult being a single parent if I were it would be unlikely I would seek another partner until my children were older but since he has . Then he has to make you work here .. he can't console everyone and if he can't maybe he been to rash.. that form at mean he hasn't meant what he said just the timing is off . And maybe he should have waited . That is something you need to seriously consider before you invest any more of your feelings as if he can't sort something then maybe it's best to end it I hope this helps
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2019): My opinion is somewhat a mishmash of everyone else's and lil sprinkle of what I would do if I were you .
First off.. take a breathe.. rome wasn't built in a day and neither is relationship . That said no one here can tell you 7 months is to soon. I know of a couple who met knew on the first date and got married.. 22 years later their gamble paid off
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reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 January 2019):
 I think your attitude won't help you. Do you know what it's like to be 8, have your parents separate, then Dad has a new girlfriend when you're 12 and they're already talking about moving in and getting married?YOU ARE NEW. He is SCARED of what you joining the family would mean. He doesn't understand. Coming to terms with your parents splitting up is one thing, but for your dad to be seriously dating is a whole other ball game.You need to be mature, empathetic, patient and understanding. "It was FOUR YEARS AGO!" isn't any of those things. I get it; it hurts when a child doesn't like you and it could break your relationship, but you're rushing things for someone dating a father. The fact you're thinking of ending it is understandable, but it also shows how impatient you are with kids, which isn't going to work with a father.Why are you dating a father if you want to keep things going quickly and aren't okay with giving children TIME to come to terms with their dad's new partner?He CAN'T resolve it. His son isn't ready - RESPECT THAT. He doesn't WANT to meet you yet, so the more you push for it, the worse it will get. Slow things down and give him TIME to adjust. If his siblings are okay with you, he will feel alienated, but may follow suit IN TIME.Stop thinking of yourself. Your boyfriend can't think of himself first and neither can you, in terms of the progression of this relationship. What did you expect? How old are the other two kids?You are treating this guy like he's your average Joe with no attachments. He has THREE children to consider. You are only considering yourself. He shouldn't have even entertained conversations of moving in and marriage until at least 12 months of being with you, especially when it's clear and FAIR that one or more of his children is struggling with him dating.You have two options: stay or leave. If you leave, nobody will blame you because dating a dad is tough. If you stay:- no more moving in talk- no more marriage talk- BE PATIENT- BE UNDERSTANDING- put your feelings aside (in regards to this)- don't push him- don't push his kids- give it TIME- SLOW DOWN- accept that his child isn't ready yet- *understand* why his child isn't ready yet- RESPECT everyone's feelings, not just the ones in your favourYou either date a single dad and are GENUINELY considerate ALL of his kids, or you leave. Up to you. If you stay and can't or won't do the above, you will just be the "evil" stepmother who doesn't truly care about their well-being. You demand more and he upsets his kid trying to bend to your rushed timeline, he'll choose for you and you'll be gone. Kids can be bratty and that should be overruled by their parents, but this doesn't sound like that. If anything, you seem to be responding childishly because it's not going your way.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 January 2019):
Sorry, OP
You don't rank higher than his son(children), quite the opposite. As it SHOULD be.
As for the son, HE doesn't HAVE to like you or WANT to be around you. However, the father CATERING to this boys demands.. is not boding well for your relationship at all.
Fist of all, he shouldn't be talking marriage when his son have OBVIOUS issues with him dating. My guess is you are NOT the first GF to either get ditched or ditch him due to the son's attitude. The son isn't stupid, he has figured out just how much power he has.
Did your BF by chance cheat on his wife and that is why the marriage ended in divorce? If so... the son has him by the short and curly. Why? Because your BF feels SO BAD still for the divorce and for how it hurt the WHOLE family.
YOU are NOT dating a single guy. You are dating a SINGLE dad. His kids have TOP priority. He doesn't WANT to alienate his son and not have a relationship, so YOU are pushed to the side when he spends time with his son. I don't see this changing.
Talking marriage is cheap, and honestly WAY too soon at only 7 months in with THIS kind of drama going on. He isn't going to marry you. Of that... I'm pretty certain. Like I said, HE DOESN'T want to alienate his son. And getting married would change what exactly? NOTHING. The kid would still make demands, HE would still prioritize his son and YOU would then be stuck on a marriage where you are put on the shelf and forgotten when that works BEST for your BF.
You aren't being realistic here. You PRESUME that your BF can DICTATE to his son that he HAS to love you, like you or at least accept you... The son knows FULL well that he doesn't. I'd wager a guess that the SON has scared off previous GF's and knows EXACTLY what buttons to push with his dad.
You are in short WASTING your time on a man who CAN NOT put you first (not that he should either, his kids should be #1's) not can he "make" his son accept you.
You are dealing with a kid who isn't OVER the divorce and a guy who doesn't want to lose his son, but still wants grown up affection and attention.
I'm sorry, OP I'd walk away. Find someone single with either NO kids, or kids who are willing to accept a new partner for their parent.
This isn't going to work out for you.
You start to make demands... he will CHOOSE his son over you. No doubt. And If your BF caves to you, and marry you, the son refuses to see him because of it... guess who the bad guy will be? YOU.
This is a no win/no win for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2019): It's a relationship that's only 7-months old! Your boyfriend hardly knows you, how will his kid care one way or the other? You develop a connection with children over time. They already have a mother and father. Then here comes you!
He's only a child! He may be extremely shy. Don't conclude there is anything sinister behind his dislike for you; or his mother is the reason. He probably doesn't like the fact his dad is seeing another woman. He's entitled to an opinion. He was his dad long before you met him!
He is old enough to have his own opinions and decide who he likes and doesn't like. He's at the age that he's old enough to be protective of his mother's feelings; and understands the situation well enough to know you might eliminate any possibility of his parents getting back together. A child can't always comprehend such complex situations.
Kids always hold on to the hope their divorced family might get back together. He's still too young to give-up on that hope. You're a threat in that sense. He will like you in his own time. Provided you're patient and nice to him. You don't push kids in these situations; you coax them, and encourage them. They've already faced the trauma of their family being separated.
You've come along all hot and heavy after their dad. How do they know you're not selfish; and might decide to move their father away, so they won't see him much anymore. He has to reassure them he will not abandon them. That he loves them; and he can love you all at the same time.
You're an adult, and shouldn't be competing for attention with a child. To be discussing marriage in the short span of seven months might be premature anyway. Why are you in such a hurry! Maybe that kid's smarter than you think!
Should that eventually occur; you're going to be a family. The children will have no choice about that. You might not be that nice of a person; and they haven't known you long enough to bond with you. They're only innocent kids! Trust has to be earned by strangers or outsiders coming into their family! Very young children are naive and too trusting.
To be blunt, it might even be beneficial; if it might slow things down a bit. Sometimes kids see things in people we adults don't see. Especially mean scary people!
If you wish to leave; it might not be such a bad idea. If you aren't mature and considerate enough to have the least bit of empathy for how the child could feel.
It is likely he won't like you; because you're selfish and too much in a hurry. This is what happens when you meet someone with children. Kids come first! You are already talking about leaving? Well, the kids are connected for life! They'll be there for him long after you're gone!
His son doesn't run the relationship; his father does. His dad makes the decision that you leave, and he sets his priorities with and for his children. In my opinion, that's a great father. You're a new girlfriend. You're not his fiance yet; and that is only tentative!!!
If he makes his children feel he is shifting even the least of his love away from them; it might destroy their relationship, and confirm any negative influence their mother could possibly have on their feelings about you. None of them have to like you. He can't force them to! It's something that develops, it can't be forced. If you're nice enough, it will work pretty quickly.
I doubt the mother is involved, or she would influence all of the children. Not just one of them.
You're the adult; and you're the one who should get adjusted first. Not the child! You're being somewhat of a drama queen; and your relationship is still in it's earliest stages. The child and his father barely know you.
This is where patience comes into play. It may also be an indication of how you deal with children. For now, you come across as insecure and self-centered. It may only be the frustration coming through; but you did say you might leave. That says you're too impatient to even give it a chance. If you don't want to deal with the children; if I were he, I would take the possibility of marriage completely off the table.
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