A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I ended an emotionally abusive relationship in October. He still occupies so much space in my head. I hate it. I don't know why I miss this immature person. He would mock me during arguments and smoke a lot of pot to numb himself. I know I did too much for him in terms of cooking and cleaning. One time I lost my job and he went ballistic for having to pay the rent for two months. Despite me using my money to put the deposit and first month rent on my own when we first moved in. I also furnished the whole apartment. I was shocked he was so angry to pay the quite affordable rent for only 2 months. He would also get angry with me when he'd loan friends money but would then not repay. I wish I could stop missing this person that brought so much pain and confusion into my otherwise calm life. He moved on immediately but why cant I? I cant bring myself to sleep with anyone yet. Thanks everyone
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2019): This is OP. This was VERY helpful. It hurt to read bc its so true. My feelings were real. His were not and it hurts. I even had to abandon my home for my sanity. I wish I could get him out of my head. He became so cruel. He even brought another woman into our home the sane week I left him due to his verbal abuse
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2019): Sorry, made the same error twice!
"They are dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins."
Oxytocin and serotonin are two seperate brain chemicals.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2019): [EDIT]:
Typo corrections:
"They are dopamine, oxytocin. serotonin, and endorphins."
"He has become a source of pain, suffering, and irritation."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2019): Go back and read your post to yourself. Read it aloud. You will start to realize why you had to leave that bad situation. Read it...again, and again, and again!!!
My dear, you don't stop loving people like turning-off a water faucet. It takes time. Love develops and become very well-established in your conscious and sub-conscious mind. There is a chemical-process going on in the brain that releases dopamine every-time someone we love is in our midst. Especially when things are going well. Dopamine is addictive to the brain; and it's responsible for addiction. So detaching from people we love is the same as cold-turkey withdrawal form an addictive drug.
True-love doesn't die, but it fades over time; to allow us to replace someone lost. Give it some time. It's still very fresh. You're still in the middle of the detachment-process; and you're craving for that dopamine high.
There are four chemicals that produce happiness in the brain. They are dopamine, oxytocin serotonin, and endorphins. Shutoff the supply, and the brain and body yearns for them something crazy. He was your dealer! He become a source of pain, suffering, and irritation.
SO HE HAD TO GO!!!
Your subconscious-mind has to catch-up with the reality of the present. It has to reconcile with the facts. He was abusive, he mocked you, and he belittled you. In spite of that, you still cared for him. He didn't return those feelings; because he couldn't. They weren't really the same as yours. You might have gone with your own feelings; but didn't measure the reciprocity of his feelings. You learned as time passed. I know, it's very hard to digest.
Rest assured, my dear. Give yourself time and this pain shall pass. It will fluctuate from bad to worse. That's your subconscious in-conflict, and coming to terms with reality. It has no choice. Feelings will lie, and say it wasn't so bad. Yes, it was! And getting worse!!!
Avoid any contact. Do not engage him with demands of closure. Do not grow any notions that you can change him; and don't let missing him deceive you into second-guessing your decision to let-go. You must do whats best for yourself.
If you had continued to be in that relationship; you'd become damaged-goods. You would have such psychological-trauma that you'd have a series of failed-relationships from now until who knows when. You'd fall into a pattern of looking for abusive-men. That's what happens to women who stay in abusive-relationships. They either keep returning to their abusers, or find other men just like them. Bad habits and all!
Sweetheart, it hurts for now. Now is only the situation at-hand, it doesn't speak for the future. I'm speaking from experience. I've been there. I wouldn't have responded to your post if I hadn't!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 January 2019):
 You haven't moved on as quickly as your ex because the relationship meant a lot more to you than it did to him. You are not as shallow or selfish as he is. We all move on at our own pace. There is no normal/average time to get over someone.
Something which helped ME get over an ex who was bad for me many years ago was to accept and acknowledge that people will only treat us as we ALLOW them to treat us. Ask yourself why you allowed him to treat you badly, then promise yourself you will never allow someone to treat you again with less respect or affection than you DESERVE. Use this "down time" between relationships to decide what you want - and just as importantly, what you DON'T want - in a future boyfriend and make sure you stick to that. View the relationship with your ex as a life lesson, learn what it taught you about yourself, then move on. When you meet someone who is right for you, thoughts of your ex will no longer occupy your mind. Until such time, keep busy, see friends, do things you enjoy, find new hobbies. I know it all sounds very cliched but it does work.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 January 2019):
 It's barely been 2 months since it ended. It will take time.
What will probably take the longest.. is YOU forgiving YOU. For having dated him, for how HE made you feel and HOW you reacted.
You are still too busy beating yourself up for having stayed with a guy who was abusive and manipulative. And because you still miss him regardless of the unpleasant past with him.
HE has moved on because he NEVER really CARED for you. It wasn't hard to move on. People move at different speeds when it comes to emotions and relationships. Life isn't a race.
For you? Well, If you put your heart and soul into the relationship, bending over backwards for a guy it usually means you cared to some degree, and that is also why you haven't moved on yet.
You didn't say how long you dated, but since you lived together I will presume it was more than a year?
It takes time to "heal" from a break up, it takes time to ACCEPT that YOU chose to be with and stay with a guy who was a rotten apple. And it takes time to process the relationship and HOPEFULLY learn from the MISTAKE you made in picking HIM as a partner.
So DO NOT go jump into bed with or a new relationship until you have processed what you went through, what red flags you ignored, and what you REALLY want from a relationship in the future.
Try journaling. Write down what happened in your own words, BE honest. This is JUST for you. No one else needs to read it. LEARN from it. And DO NOT go man-hunting until you feel ready to share your life with someone again. And when you do LEAVE the past in the past.
Cut all contact to this ex and STOP stalking his social media. Who cares that he is dating again? Or whatever else he is doing! Screw him! Focus on you, and moving on.
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