A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've realized lately that the only time I've ever felt really crazy about someone, it was because I was not allowed to have them. To give an example, it started with an ex-boyfriend. After we broke up we still saw each other a few times a year, even after he had a new girlfriend. And on those times, as soon as we were alone my breathing would quicken and I'd be desperate to touch him, and as soon as we got too close it was like two magnets clicking together and there was just this pull. It was the most exciting feeling I'd ever felt, and it meant I didn't move on from him for years. To be honest I didn't even care that he was cheating on his girlfriend to be with me. I didn't know her and didn't consider her my responsibility, I just felt special and sexy because he was so attracted to me.I am in a relationship now since 2016, but I have felt that magnetic pull again to some other guys in this time. I have cheated, just over a year ago. My boyfriend knows this and I have never seen the man again because I knew that pull would still be there and I didn't trust myself. I do regret the effect of the cheating on our relationship, but not the act itself. According to a TED talk by Esther Perel on cheating, this is common. I can identify with a lot she says.My boyfriend and I have moved on and I love being with him, but how do I accept that I have to live my life without experiencing that adrenaline rush, perhaps ever again? Why do I want it so much? Is this a self-esteem thing? I simply don't feel special and sexy when only one guy wants me. Yeah, my boyfriend tells me I am, but then he would - he's my boyfriend! I don't really believe that stuff unless the person saying it SHOULDN'T be saying it, if they're taking a risk by saying it. Otherwise it's kinda just part of the job description. Is there something wrong with me? Do other people think this way and not admit it? I wouldn't be this honest with anyone in person obviously, because I know people aren't supposed to have these thoughts! I kinda just want to be normal, I don't get why I'm like this. I think I'm a good person in other areas of my life, I have a job I enjoy working with seniors, I volunteer, I am a supportive friend. My friends would probably be shocked that this part of me exists if they were told. So why does it exist??
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 January 2019):
 Some times you have to make choices. THAT is life. At least as a grown up.
And while you might be tempted by an "alpha type" doesn't mean you HAVE to act on it. Just like when you see some REALLLLLLLY nice shoes you can't afford, you aren't going to try and steal them either. Because (hopefully) you know better.
In order to have a MATURE and HEALTHY relationship you need to learn to ignore certain temptations. Just like if you want to stay fit you have to avoid eating a gallon of ice-cream daily.
But.. you ALSO need to identify your NEEDS and WANTS.
You want to be treated like a queen you say. You enjoy that, you say. BUT really... if some guy USES you as a "mistress" a side-chick.. is he REALLY treating you like a queen? Is he treating his GF like a queen? No. What you are REALLY saying here is that you are ADDICTED to drama and to be treated like a second best. Because THAT is the reality.
And when YOU cheat on your BF, do you TREAT him with love and respect? No.
Your WHOLE family might PRESUME that you will marry your BF, but if he is NOT the guy for you... then why string him along and HURT him? Your family are NOT the ones who would marry your BF, YOU are. It's your life. Making a choice when it comes to life-partner is a HUGE responsibility.
Are you crazy? No, I don't think so. Immature and selfish. Which.. really isn't too strange at your age.
However the no conscience or regret is NOT good traits and I think you ought to work on that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2019): Hi, OP here. Yeah, maybe I'm immature. I don't know. I feel like there is so much going on in my head and none of it makes sense to me. I've often browsed here in the last few months and I've never seen anyone saying quite what I'm thinking, which makes me wonder if I'm crazy or they just don't admit it.I will say that I don't lack affection or love with my boyfriend. He is a good, sweet person. And I know he would never cheat on me. I'm sure my ex knew his new girlfriend wouldn't cheat either, and would forgive him. I didn't expect to feel as guilty as I did when I cheated, because my ex never acted guilty for sleeping with me. He was more of an alpha type. Those are the guys I am tempted by. Very attractive, flirty confident guys make me feel like a queen. It's like I'm addicted to that feeling and I can't imagine going my whole life without it. My whole family is just assuming I will marry my boyfriend, and I would love to, but I worry it wouldn't be enough for me to stop wanting to find that feeling elsewhere. I always thought all I wanted in life was a stable home and family and to be a real adult and now I could have that, I'm worried I will still want more.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 January 2019):
Because you are still pretty selfish and immature when it comes to relationships.
I don't write that to be mean, but to state the facts as you tell them.
You don't REALLY take responsibility for your choices, you BF did. He might not do that again. You got a pass for cheating. Which will NOT help you move forward. I might however, help you grow.
I agree that Esther Perel's talk on Infidelity was interesting and I think ANYONE (whether they have cheated or not) can nod in agreement to it. This, however, doesn't FIX your situation.
Something in your relationship IS not working for you. If I go by what Esther Perel said, you were SEEKING attention and LOVE from outside of the relationship. Which would make me think you weren't getting it IN the relationship.
If you think you need to APPROVAL and INTEREST of SEVERAL (or at least two) men to feel sexy or BE sexy, then that comes down to you. In this day and age we don't date, marry or seek out people (in general) that we aren't interested in, sexually and otherwise. If you look at HOW many people settle for casual sex or FWB or F-buddies you know they aren't having sex if they weren't ATTRACTED to the other person PHYSICALLY. So when your BF says he finds you sex, he isn't lying or saying it because "he has to". Because no, he doesn't HAVE to tell you that, however, he wouldn't be DATING you if he didn't FEEL an attraction. But for your BF it's not just about sex and you being sexy. Building a relationship on pure physical attraction is just not enough. We humans want more from a partner.
Someone who JUST wants to bang you, can say whatever he thinks you want to hear. Doesn't make it true. Doesn't mean it goes deeper than "I just want to bang you". DOES that make you feel "special"?
Are you insecure? I don't know exactly. I think immature is actually more correct. As you are STILL wanting VALIDATION in order for you to be OK with you. Why do you HAVE to feel "special"? Do you not think your BF wants to FEEL special in his own way too? Are you more special than him?
Why do we DESIRE? Well, first of all you are in your most FERTILE years, right now. Which means biologically, your "body" (in a sense) is looking for the BEST options to mate with. It is UP to you to TAKE control and BE in control.
Maybe you should TRY and consider how YOUR actions affect those around you. You kind of make excuses for your choice to cheat. Yet, you haven't told your friends... So obviously you DO understand that it's NOT a decent thing to do in a relationship. Yet, you still did it to feel "special". Which is why I say it's a bit of immaturity.
Will this change for you? I think in time you will either understand HOW devastating being cheated on feel, or you will understand that YOUR actions have consequences that goes past JUST you. Let's say you cheat and get knocked up, get a STD - THAT will/can affect more than just you. Yes, monogamy was mainly to ensure that the Father knew who fathered his wife's offspring, but it's MORE than just that today.
Do others have these thoughts? I'm pretty sure plenty of people are tempted more than once in their life time. However, it's what you DO with that temptation that shows what kind of PARTNER you are.
You can STILL be a good person and do some stupid stuff. Seriously, we have ALL made SOME kind of fuck ups in life. Whether people LEARN from these or not... well, that is up to EACH person and their conscience.
And you can be a good person overall, but NOT a great partner.
I would suggest you take a good long hard look at your relationship with your BF and think about WHAT it is you FEEL you are missing from him. And then IS IT reasonable that HE should fulfill that FOR you? What are you missing in YOURSELF that perhaps you should work on? Maybe BEING single is what you really want? Maybe a serious relationship is something you just don't know what or how to have?
Don't make up EXCUSES for bad behavior (yours or others) TAKE responsibility, be accountable. And be HONEST.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2019): Some people always want what they can't have it's a kinda the grass is always greener syndrome . You make a point of saying that if some tell you your sexy and your not with them ( correct me if I'm wrong here ) that it's more real?! Yet as a rmn ( mental health nurse ) I would in my humble opinion have to disagree.. why ?? Well they are saying this because they too want what they can't have.. And they will say anything to get it including lying ...now I would say someone who truly loves you and looks over at you.. when your hair a mess and your doing the dishes for the hundredth time in the same spot and still think God she beautiful to me ..And tells you this is worth more than the lane pick up.. hook up lines of someone trying to bed you .. Now everyone wants excitement . Every one craves attention. From what you say your partner gives the latter you just find it difficult to feel the first told. And that may be more about you emotional state. I could form an opinion and say .. you find it hard to fully give yourself.. to fully trust what someone says who committed to you . So you hold back .. holding back pushes down excitement. Or It could be your just never happy with what you have . A common theme I see more often than I would like to nowadays. However you need to ask yourself.. is this excitement worth it .. is it worth you ruining something real as what you have with the cheating guys isn't real ( you may have been forgiven once twice is very unlikely ) I have a friend she lovely in other ways but she emotionally ruined her relationship by thinking the grass was greener . After 3 months of the new man ..And the new guy not telling her where he was .. And that she was needy and misread stuff .. she thought ooh she could go back to dependable loving ex . Who by this point though still loved her.. had moved on .. Now it's 7 years down the line.. she single still unhappy never getting what she want fully of these one night or sneaky sex with guy who shouldn't but do . Who don't see her as her ex did While her ex met someone 2 years later and have twin girls and very hapoy . As he's medical I still speak with him and he never mentions her now unless at Christmas etcSo what's my point .. if I were you I would get some therapy and soul searching. If you need this excitement leave the relationship.. but you may find that the reality is not what you perceive it to be. You may be like my friend wishing she could turn back the clock and not being able to .I hope I haven't been harsh on you sweetie as it's not my intention. In other ways you seem a very lovely lass just confused but your need .. Will hurt others . So either fix it or leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2019): Temptation is a normal thing; but not everyone acts on the impulse to cheat. You need to be reassured that the exes really cared about you. You didn't really get-over them. The rejection becomes an obsession for some people; and they need to go back and relive a traumatic situation to give it a new ending.
Then for some folks, there's just a need to cheat; and that's just a weakness in our character. No matter how good you think you are by doing good deeds; you cancel them out when you betray people who give you their love and trust.
The way to redeem yourself and make up for it is to earn their trust, maintain it, and value having it. Treat their love with tenderness and respect.
Admitting it only matters if you are confessing for the sake of seeking forgiveness. Intending never to do it again! If it is forgiven, and you again betray that trust; that's just a person who doesn't value trust, or have compassion for those they hurt and betray. It's selfishness.
Stay away from the exes. What goes around, comes around. If your present boyfriend cheats with an ex; it will tear you apart. People don't realize the impact of what they do to others; until it happens to them. Cheaters hate to be cheated on. It stings all the more; because it hits them in a sore spot. Nothing hurts like karma.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (12 January 2019):
 Some people do feel this way, but you won't deal with it well on your own; you need therapy to establish why you can't commit without a desire to cheat and why you don't care about other people's feelings (the boyfriend, the ex's girlfriend, etc.)Honestly; a serious lack of concern for how your betrayal affects people is worrying. Find an adrenaline rush that won't hurt anyone, but definitely get therapy asap because being so nonchalant about hurting people is not okay. You felt your ex's girlfriend wasn't your responsibility, so cheating didn't bother you. Your boyfriend IS your responsibility and you still cheated. You have displayed a pattern of:~ no self-respect~ total disregard for other people's feelings~ no respect for other people~ a desire to cheat and betray people~ lack of self-control~ no conscience or regretThe only good thing is that you're here because you know it's not right. Now it's whether or not you actually do something about it and the first thing would be THERAPY. I wonder how you'd feel if you were in your boyfriend or ex's girlfriend's shoes. Take a good long moment to consider how you'd feel if you were cheated on, then find that therapist.
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