A
male
age
36-40,
*uka999magnotta
writes:Ok, im gay and im 27, my boyfriend of one year is 21.He is very mature for his age and looks mature.. he works in a corporate enviroment and he is Jewish...Im Russian/Italian.He is so obsessed and concerned about what others think about him that its ruining our relationship.He is in the closet and acts very straight and he listens to others and lets them control him sometimes.Noone of his friends like me ever since they found out im gay and his friends told him he should stop talking to me... he agreed with them but secretly was around me all the time still... he told me quote "I just had to tell them that so they left me alone and dint think I was gay too" Like WTF?? If he was a real man he wouldve stuck up for me and told his friends that he could associate with whomever he wants to... this is 2009 not 1989? being gay should NOT be a reason people hate you.... they should judge you on your integrity and personality and the content of your heart....not your sexuality..I feel like he is really ashamed of us and its causing so many problems... the only person he told was his sister...and she is very religious.....she doesnt approve and she doesnt even want to meet me.I have to park down the street when I drop him off... his friends cant know we are together hanging out... he refuses to bring me around his family... people talk negativly to me and he NEVER defends me EVER.So instead of hanging out with his friends AND me together he completely stopped talking to them so he can avoid the situation.. Everytime they call he used to tell them he was "with his girlfriend" and NEVER me... I told him he should atleast aknowledge I was there wit hhim and he told me no. So now he doesnt even answer his phone to them..Him being in the closet is destroying his life....and if he comes out of the closet it will cause problems for him too.... he is very confused, but I think after one year he should tell me where WE stand and what HE wants.... yet it is nearly imposible to talk to him and he would rather watch tv or listen to rap music or avoid our conversations all together and its so frustrating not being able to communicate with someone who claims they can not live without you...We brok up like 10 times in the past because he would cheat on me and proove to his friends he could bang girls.... his friends would go with him to clubs and bars and hire hookers and strip joints... he would always pick womwn up to proove to everyone he is not gay. So I lost alot of trust in him and now I dont trust him to go anywhere alone... I pick him up from work and he spends the evening with me then goes hom to Mommys house.....In one year.. he has only slept at my house like 4times because he is NOT ALLOWED his mom told him.... European mothers are very strict I know....but honestly....he is going to be 22 in two months?? So we have to argue about him sleeping with me...i have to go to bed alone every nite....his mother calls him 30times a day to as "where r u" "who r u with" and they scream at each other on the phone non stop.... he is mature ...but his life is very immature and everyone tells him what to do....He is constantly trying to proove himself to everyone... and he can never focus on US...its always about everyone else.... I asked him in a few years if we would be married and he said "im planning on asking you before this year is done" so that made me happy....I also asked him about a house and he cant get a house with me because he is going to sign for all his relatives..... He cant get a new car for us because he has to sign for his mother... he cant move in with me because he doesnt want his mom to be alone...even though I said she is more then welcome??? is this normal that a guy is so controlled by his mother???? WTF He is also a pathalogical liar to me and his mom..... he lies to everyone where he really is.He thinks "lying is the solution to ALL my problems" when infact it repulses people. and cause more problems.He constantly needs to have sex with other men and is a nympho...so we agreed to allow him to screw anyone he wants (as long as im in the same room though) So he gets me to post ads for him practically EVERY day on craigslist to find men and he invits them to my house and screws them in my bed while im in the room or in the living room.... even though I dont like it...its better he cheats infront of me then behind my back...so I compromised... yet he STILL calls guys on chatlines in the middle of the nite when im not around at him moms house?????? I checked his phone and found alot of text messages and conversations from other guys... now he shoves his phone up his ass every second so I dont look in it..Everything is going well so far besides1.) not sleeping over with me practicall ever2.) sleeping with guys behind my back in the middle of the nite3.) not including me in ANY important event birthdays, holidays, weddings etc....I NEED TO BE INCLUDED !!!!!!!!!!Now a very sacred day for Jewish people is comming up called YomKepor and it starts at sundown on Sunday and lasts for 25hours till 7:15 on Monday. No eating or drinking or using cell phones or driving or sex or anything......So ive been asking him to teach me more about Judisim and his culture and he never does...He refuses to allow me to come pray at the Sinagoge Temple with him because he says god doesnt like gay people and its not right....but hes gay too??? If he was serious about me wouldnt he WANT me there with him?? He said people might stare because im not jewish?? oh and its a small community so his FRIENDS might see me???/ I thought all religions WELCOME people not throw them away????Am I right to be upset with him or am I being a bitch??He yells at me now and says im freaking him out????Please help. Why is he resisting?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): Hey, I have a similar problem... my girlfriend wont come out to ANYONE, and at first, I was a little hurt, and was wondering just how much I meant to her, and then I realized, that it doesn't matter if she isn't ready. She'll come out when she comes out. I want to be with her, I don't need people to know about 'us', because it's our business, not anybody elses.... I don't want to seem like I'm telling you how to feel, just trying to give you another perspective.... Coming out is hard (as you probably know) ESPECIALLY if someone close to you (ie, a sister) is not ok with it. If I had known how my dad would react, I may not have come out when I did...
A
male
reader, luka999magnotta +, writes (29 September 2009):
luka999magnotta is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone, im just really confused right now and its frustrating.... he is incapable of having an adult conversation..... when I talk to him he does not talk back to me, he just remains silent and acts like im his father lecturing him or some bitch constantly nagging at him and he rolls his eyes.... he does not like confrontations on anything and avoids them at all costs... he believes lying is the only way to solve all his problems..... he wants to delay all his problems indefinitly and never deal with them.... he does not like to show me affection unless he feels guilty....i have to beg for hugs and kisses most of the time....in sex its ALL about only him and he finds it very difficult to pleasure me.
He is a wonderful person, just very confused and mislead in life by everyone...he lets everyone dictate how he should lead his life and he cant stand up to anyone.. He cant even defend me or my honour or our relationship. I have tried for almost a year to open his eyes and show him he doesnt have to live this way and be scared yet he just wont realize it.....sometimes people cant be taught. Maybe he doesnt want to change???
Maybe he just wants to live his life the cookie cutter way and the politically correct way...He is GAY not bi but GAY and he tells me he is bi.... just caused he screwed a few women doesnt mean he was attracted to them...he is in denial. I know where he'll end up....unhappily married to a woman and living a lie...then when hes 40 he will wish he had of followed his heart instead of homophobic society.
Luka Magnotta
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (28 September 2009):
 I know you don't want to hear this but my advice is:
Have a clean break and move on.
1. He is cheating with both sexes.
2. He is ashamed of his sexually and is not ready for a gay relationship.
3. He has a mother that is controlling him (at 21 that is not a normal or healthy behavior.)
4. He is not accepting you in his life.
I think you need to at least take a couple months break from him so that hopefully he can get his life in order. He's not ready to commit or be in a relationship with you.
No you are not a bitch and please don't think that. He is a jerk for treating you like this.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Rose_red_09  +, writes (27 September 2009):
I agree that unless he is willing and ready to come out that closet - nothing really is going to change. It's a call you are going to have to make - you can't force him to come out if he is not ready to yet it is unfair for you to be constantly on the back burner. If you feel like you deserve more, then there really is a reason for you feeling like this.You take care.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 September 2009):
So long as he's lying and staying in the closet, this relationship simply won't go anywhere. He has to be willing to confront all his peers and say to them 'this is me'. If he can't, how will you every have a committed, trustworthy relationship? How will you live together or spend time together? The answer is you won't. And you won't be happy. Maybe see if with your support and presence whether or not he would be willing to speak to them about it. If he isn't, you may need to consider moving one and finding someone who is comfortbale with who they are and can openly accept you into their life. Lots of luck.
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