A
female
age
41-50,
*oldensunnystar
writes:I have been dating a guy for about a year now. We spend about a 1/2 a day together each week due to his career. I try to be understanding but admit I often feel lonely and there is a lot of tension. The relationship feels one sided. We typically hang out a few hours on Saturday night only. We have not meet each others family, I have not meet his friends (he says he really has not formed non-job related friends due to the large amount of hours he works), he hates public affection, we have very separate lives, and we still have not said "I love you". I am not trying to rush things but I do know this relationship is not typical. I am afraid he is naturally an emotional detached person. He is always worried about cheating. My theory is if a person is worried about it they have been cheated on or are cheating on you (which I hope the second is not the case!) Anyway, I first meet him dancing. I find it irritating and it does hurt my feelings when we goes dancing without me. We talked about this a month ago or so. I wanted to get better at dancing and spend more time with him. He is a much better dancer than I and he has been dancing as a hobby for years on Fridays. He told me he dances for exercise, stress relief, and the social aspect of dancing only. He does not want me to be all over him which I understand because it is about dancing and not a hook up place.So the story is I called him and he called a hour later. I asked him where he was and he had gone dancing without me again! He was like “Oh, well we have plans tomorrow night”. Ironically a friend and I were going to the same dance place as it was (my friend canceled last minute so I went alone). My significant danced with me once and did not even tell me when he left. (I was dancing with another guy and saw him leave from the corner of my eye.) The night was terribly awkward. When he danced with me he said he did not want to dance close to me or other "regulars" would think it was okay to dance with me like that...The music switched from salsa to R and B. I noticed later he was dirty dancing with some other very attractive women just told him last week t when I go out (obviously without him) I do not dirty dance because I did not feel it was appropriate. The first dance he asked for so later on I went to ask for a dance he was standing by another women but he really didn’t say much but shooed me away.I have tried to break up with him many times because of the red flags in our relationship but we always end back together because I am too weak to hold my ground or I miss him. My friends (women/men) all say to run or at least date other men on the side because this relationship is going no where. I don’t want to feel jealous but I feel more disrespected and upset he clearly does not care about how I feel. My personality is easy going , a peace maker and I don’t like drama. Believe me we have talked about this issue and more already.
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female
reader, goldensunnystar +, writes (21 March 2011):
goldensunnystar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u Chigirl for ur response. This time is the final break up & I am not going to be suckered in again. There is no need to call/text. I know him enough after fights he does not call but I always end up calling him. This time it will not happen...I will aviod that dance place for a while but will return at some point. If I should bump into him just keep it simple (which he would probably ignore me at this point anyway). So this is how it must be even tho break-ups are sort-of sad.
If there is anyone that has any more advice or words of encouragement please feel free to e-mail me.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 March 2011):
 This guy is verbally abusive, and what more, he just says a lot of crap. Slutty? Whore? You know as well as we do that all that he said and called you is a lot of bullshit to be honest. You know it, we know it, he knows it. He just says that to be mean, childish as he is, and to "get back" at you for hurting him. He doesn't own this salsaplace, and you do not need to text him whenever you want to go there. If he doesn't like you being there HE can leave, not you. It's not his place, and you don't need to abide by his rules. You're not his "thing" you don't belong to him, he doesn't get to tell you where to go or who to talk to.
Try to remember that standing up to his verbal attacks is something you need to do, and you do not need to defend yourself. You just need to show him that this is unacceptable, and dump him and leave him. You do not need to defend why you wear what you wear, or why you dance the way you dance. He should accept you like any normal boyfriend would have. A normal boyfriend would have been thrilled to see their girlfriend at the same club as them when they so rarely get to spend time together. He on the other hand acts like he gets to "invite you" to dance when he's dancing, otherwise you're not allowed to go there? Thats really something special...
So, don't fall for his crap. He isn't unavailable because you are, he's unavailable because he doesn't want to hang out with you. He's just leering stuff like that off to cover his own petty back. But there is no need to argue it, or prove who's right or wrong. It's plain and simple not acceptable, and not by far enough for you, or enough to make a real relationship.
But don't try to avoid dancing, or going to a bad place to dance, or text him if you want to dance at the regular place. Just don't go there for a while and let yourself cool down. Delete his number! Don't contact him. Don't text him! Just ignore him. And go there and dance whenever you want, and ignore him still. Don't try to be polite or talk to him unless he's acting polite first. And if so, only keep it to a "hello" and nothing more. Then ignore him and dance. He doesn't have more of a right to be at the salsa place than you have.
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A
female
reader, goldensunnystar +, writes (20 March 2011):
goldensunnystar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your post. I agree with you all. I really need to move on & stop wasting my time. I am almost thirty & I do not want to invest anymore then I already have with a man that is clearly not wanting more then a cheater would or that of a booty call (either are horrible!) It is clear to my friends and people on the internet this is not the guy for me. This is the truth he is not mine nor is he a keeper for the matter. I have to pound it in my head somehow.
There may be a match for him but it is not me and I also have a better match & it is not him. That is the reality of it no if’s or but’s. What it is, is what it is & there is no use in understanding anymore or worrying about the why’s and where. It has been too long for “us” not to have some tendencies of a committed couple. I do not need to justify, understand or make excesses for his behavior any more. Put simply if this is how he is/the “relationship” is ...well I do not like it , it does not fulfill my needs & I do not want to live my life like this anymore.
For those that care to hear the conclusion of what happened .........
I talked to him about it last night after going to the movies. It went horrible & a lot of vicious things were said on his end. I kept my composure for the most part but got angry enough at one point I called him a “douchebag” ( I really hate name calling because it is deconstructive). I just want this nightmare “thing” to end at this point. He..............
Said never to come unless I pre call him because he pretty much does not want to be there when I am there. I ruined his Friday night (because I was there uninvited) and his Saturday night too (talking to him about the recent issue). He accused me of stalking him because I came after I called him and I came alone. I explained that my friend bailed on me & the original plan was to salsa dance anyway.
Called me a slut & whore bc of the way I was dressed (Skinny jeans, tank top (not low cut), a vest & a pair of ankle boots ( I have a small frame 5’5/118 pds I wasn’t squeezing or popping out of anything). Asked why I wore “those jeans” I said they are in style right now. He said something about hookers. He also mentioned I was not even dancing properly and even slutty. Which I assured him that was not my intention (which it was not I am trying to learn to be a better dancer thats all)
Said “I am not saying this but your an airhead & a motor mouth” then he went on to say: I talk to anyone and everyone, I do not know how to read people, I act sincere when I am not, a social opportunist. & ppl in the Midwest do not know the value of a true friend bc everyone is our friend but are actually acquaintances. I agreed I know a lot of ppl that are acquaintances & sometimes I even call them friend. How I view the world is you never know where friendship may grow & it does not hurt to talk to people even the ones you don’t know
Accused me of keeping my options open as a second plan. Which I have never said, threatened or done anything to indicate this. He said that I give him the vibe I think like this subconsciously....I have not dated anyone but him but I socialize/have friends with guys & ladies & he is aware of this but does not know all my friends bc I only invited him 2x to hang w/ friends...long story! He said I was insecure & not independent based on the fact I have a roomie (he hates the fact I do not have my own place) & I always want to be around ppl. (Yes I know that is dumb argument). He is not around often so there is no way I am just going to sit around doing nothing until I see him...I also discontinued talking to ex-bf’s bc is bothered him & he felt is was disrespectful to him.
He doesn’t want to teach me to dance it’s not his job.
Said whenever we have problems I am like most women that thrive on arguing and making issues
I have to earn his trust but every time things start to settle things like this happen * we ca not move forward
* He does not have any true friends only acquaintances here but they are from his him state (he has lived here for 7 years)
He knew meeting someone at his regular dance place would blow up in his face & this would happen. He wished he had never meet me dancing.
He was not dancing close to the other women & it was not intimate. I said that was not true he was dancing extremely close & they both even dirty danced to the floor a few times. This made him super upset. He said I was the one that was dancing too close & even insulted the guy on a raciest level ( he not white). He called me a lier
After going to the movies on Saturday (he of course did not want to go to an early movie) I asked him to drop me off at home & he did. After a 1/2 hour or so I called him to talk to him because the whole weekend thing really was bothering me. At the end of the conversation/fight/confrontation he was very upset. Saying I had spent an hour on the phone when we should he having the conversation in person. Maybe this was wrong on my part but I needed to calm down when I got home & I didn’t want to end up in bed with himI asked him to calm down & to meet me for lunch or just for a little bit on Sunday (We never hang out on Sunday) He said no because I ruined his weekend & he has to job hunt/paperwork stuff & did not want to get any more upset before the work week...I think some of u are right I may be the second women or like I said already he is emotionally insecure.
* He does not make me a priority because I do not make him a priority. I admit this is somewhat true but I am not going to dwindle my thumbs waiting for him to make plans with me. I go out to festivals during the summer, dance, go to the movies, coffee shops & ect with guy/girl friends. I want to hang with him but he is so unavailable. On the weekends like I said we only get together Saturday no matter how much I request so I got to the point I don’t ask.
I am pretty much ranting because I do not to talk to my friend or family about my “relationship”, this messed up senerio nor do I plan too. It’s embarrassing that an educated women would fall for these tricks & I have let this go on for so long! When we fight he always gets very heated, swears, & insults. I feel like I have grown immuned to his insults because I personally don’t believe it because I know it is not true. I am protecting my heart but it gets bruised. I can’t figure out why I have been this person so long. I know is not love maybe infatuation & companionship? Either way I know this relationship is going no where, he cannot love me nor can I love him & I do not want to marry him. I still want to learn salsa but I will have to drive 20 minutes away to go somewhere else & it is not in the best neighborhood. If I go to his regular spot I may text him so it is not awkward for anyone in the future. I just want some constructive advice, encouragement to move on & helpful tips on what I should/should not do? Things are more obvious when u are not emotionally involved with the situation. Sorry about this long posting but I am glad I see the light, I feel better that other people do not think I am over reacting & I do not feel emotionally devastated from the whole thing either. It was a misjudgment that went on for too long & its time to move on. Its better to be alone at this point then sort-of be with someone that is not really there, is selfish, emotionally unavailable & is becoming verbally abusive.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 March 2011):
Agree with YouWish. It's lated this long because no other woman would tolerate this much. It is also possible that he's cheating on another woman with you, that another girl is his "real" girlfriend. Why else do you think you haven't met his family or friends? There are only a few cheaters who will introduce both their girlfriends to their family and friends...
This isn't a relationship. This is a casual dating every once in a while. I think you miss him so much already that if you break up you wont be able to tell the difference. Find someone not so rude to be with, someone who actually has time for you and that sounds less suspicious. This one doesn't sound like he's up to no good.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 March 2011):
 You see him a half an evening each week. You've been dating for a year and you've never met his friends, family, nor has he said "I love you". He says his schedule is tight, yet he goes out without you. He refuses and hates public affection, and he won't dance close to you, but will with others. He talks about cheating.
Boy, I would guess that he has a regular girlfriend and he's cheating WITH you ON someone else. You are the "on the side" woman. I wouldn't be surprised if he has other similar "half evenings" set aside for other women.
It's lasted this long with you because you are undemanding. This is not a normal relationship.
I would end it with him.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (19 March 2011):
 You are allowing yourself to be a doormat. He not only doesn't care about you you feel, but he doesn't care about you.This isn't a relationship hun, this is you being a side thing for him. He obviously has other women he is pursuing and seeing from Sunday-Friday...its a no brainer. Your not his GF, you haven't met his family/friends, there is no commitment and he treats you like dirt! What do you actually think he is doing the rest of the week!? No doubt seeing other women.It doesn't matter who he is and how much he works. If a man is interested in a woman, he will make it work, see her as often as possible and so on. Read this book it'll help, "He's just not that into you". The book will help you decipher male behavior and what it means.Honestly though, I think you are so into him that you have your blinders on. You're making up all these false excuses for him and his behavior, when in reality he just doens't see you as anything but someone he sleeps with on a Saturday evening. Sadly, I don't think you will see this till he dumps you and you are left very hurt. Your friends are recommending you see other people because they know that you are not willing to see the truth. I recommend this too, go date other people, you never know maybe you'll find someone that will show you exactly how a woman is suppose to be treated!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (19 March 2011):
 He IS very disrespectful and inconsiderate of you, heavy workload or not.
You have talked at length with him about the issues you mention above, and basically things have not changed for the better......in fact, shooing you away at the dance when he was standing with other women and you went over to ask him for a dance, is unforgivably rude and condescending.
You see yourself as a peace-maker and someone who doesn't like drama. Well, without drama, just tell him flat-out that you are ending things. No ifs ands or buts. Whatever your relationship is doing for him, its doing nothing for you, and you don't have to give any more reason for terminating it.
When you do that, you'll just have to steel yourself to the fact that you may miss him, or feel too weak to stand your ground......by the way, you are NOT too weak! You just have to make up your mind to it, and anytime you feel like giving in, tell yourself, NO, I am NOT going to do that. Think of the qualities that cause you such dissatisfaction when you're tempted, and get into enjoyable, worthwhile interests........if another man asks you out, you might consider taking him up on the invitation - BUT be wary of getting emotionally involved with a new person right away, just because you're lonely!
You might want to spend more time with your friends and enlist their support to keep your resolve.......eventually you'll see success in ditching him once and for all......
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