A
female
age
41-50,
*elpmeplz!!!!
writes:My boyfriend wants me to squirt or give him a golden shower, but despite my best efforts I can't do either. He now wants to get a 'mistress' that can do these things. I know what ur all thinking 'get rid of him and find someone that loves me etc' but he really is the one for me. So do I let him get a mistress till I can learn how to do what he wants, or do I say no! and know that he is not satisfied? Please I need help
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male
reader, freeme  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 I am not sure why you asked the question if you feel that we are being to harsh on him. You must have some inkling that something isn't right here, or you would not have come here and asked what to do.I certainly don't know him and cannot judge his character. But I can judge his request. Its a terrible one. It objectifies you and his mistress. It speaks volumes about how he views your relationship. Most of us see that, and you probably don't want too. (Who can blame you?) You need to stand your ground, tell him to respect himself, and to respect you. Better yet, tell him to give you a couple of years to work up the gumption to fulfill his request. The anticipation will keep things hot for sometime.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 June 2011):
 Good luck to you. I guess we have some problem giving him much credit because of the incredible audacity the guy has, to ask for a mistress because you don't want to/can't do some of the sexual stuff he thinks he deserves.
It's like saying the guy's a good guy, only he murders puppies. For most of us, it doesn't matter if he behaves beautifully the rest of the time, opening doors, writing thoughtful thank you notes, closing the lid on the toilet, the fact is that he murders puppies. Okay, this is an extreme example but all we know about him is that he has a sexual fetish he expects you to perform and expects you to consider allowing him a mistress!?!?! Really????
Most of us would have had no problem standing our ground and letting him know in no uncertain terms that that option is unacceptable and a ridiculous suggestion in the context of a committed relationship. If he doesn't realize that, what kind of strange upbringing did he have that would suggest it's okay to even ask?? That's a filter most men would have in place, to be able to distinguish between acceptable fantasy and acceptable real world stuff.
Yes, it was brave and honest of him to ask the question. So let's flip that onto you. It would be brave and honest of you to say back to him, 'no, I can't tolerate the thought of a mistress. That's not going to work for me in the slightest. Not an option I am willing to consider as it would be damaging to my trust of you and to the relationship. Thanks for being honest but the answer is an equally honest and valid "NO!"'
Was he raised by a porn producer, or something? Does he have a disorder on the autism spectrum, such as Asperger's? Was he locked in a basement?
If you are not a fragile princess, then please stand up for yourself. If you internalize other people's stuff, you will wind up with an indigestible load of crapola crammed in your psyche. Seriously, I think finding a good counselor would be a good investment for your future.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Helpmeplz!!!! +, writes (8 June 2011):
Helpmeplz!!!! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo u all
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I honestly don't think o gave my partner enough credit and I could write all day about how wonderful he is. I know he has gone about the situation completely wrong but to me he did it in the most tactful way he knows how ( u can't help ur up bringing and I'm working on showing him better ways of dealing with things) I will take everything said on here into consideration they are all very valid points.....except the freak bit lol.
Iv had a bit of a ruff uP bringing and had some god awful things happen to me and so has he i think that's y we click?!? But I'm no fragile princess and I can move on from last year grrr lol
Once again thank you for ur kind thoughtful words u have given me something to think about..... Time is the only truth xxxx
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 June 2011):
Thanks for the follow up. You asked, 'what's a woman to do?' Well, based on what you wrote, you say 'no' to the mistress and 'I'm working on it' to his fetish requests, and 'it would help if you studied up on what to do for the female ejaculation bit.' Then you let HIM work it out for himself. And you sit, content to know that you are worth it. You ARE worth it, aren't you? You do know that you deserve better treatment than being told you are sexually insufficient for him?
It's a very aggressive and controlling thing he did, to ask for a mistress. It says a couple of things about him and how he thinks. Yes, it's honest, that's good. But it's also incredibly undermining of your fragile psyche. It says "you're not good enough for me in bed." It says "I am willing to put my fetish needs ahead of your self-esteem and well-being." It says "you're inadequate on a fundamental level for me." Those are incredibly hurtful and actually brutal messages.
So honestly, I would say "no" to the things that don't work for you and then let them go. He is responsible for his own happiness, sexual or otherwise, it's not your job to allow your ego to be trampled on to fulfill a fantasy of his.
The flip side of this is that you are responsible for your own happiness, sexual or otherwise. YOU have to find a way to stop internalizing other people's problems. Obviously, you didn't find a counselor that worked for you. Maybe you can find another one that will suit you better.
I love YouWish's data analysis. Pretty interesting stuff there. Read that one very carefully, and Dodds has some good points too.
As far as being compatible, there ARE other money hungry people out there capable of sticking to plans too. Just sayin'. Many of those wouldn't ask for a mistress or golden showers or female ejaculating.... just sayin'.
What I hear is a fundamental lack of self-worth and insecurity in you. Work on that bit. Say NO and mean it. And recognize that you DESERVE nothing but the BEST. Okay?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 June 2011):
 I have just got to ask...
Is this something he's never done before, as in he's always wanted to try a golden shower? And, does he realize how rare it is to find a woman who experiences female ejaculation on a regular enough basis to satisfy him?
There was a study that has shown that while 35-60% have reported having experienced forceful ejaculation once during sex, only 6% report doing it on a regular basis. Kinda rare, huh??
Then, add to that the number of women who love giving golden showers.I'm guessing that that figure isn't very vast either.
Finding a woman who both "squirts" and "pees" is a truly rare trait. We're not talking twice like a curiosity thing.
I don't consider him worthy of respect for asking you for a mistress. Quite the contrary, if you've been having problems due to suicide attempts and emotional distress and vulnerability, this seems pretty cruel to me to be pressing the issue of bringing someone else into it. Also, you mentioned threesomes prominently. He's wanting threesomes too?
I know you're feeling vulnerable, but you have to stand up for yourself. A man willing to put his girlfriend through distress by threatening (in the disguise of "asking") to get a mistress to "pee" on him is not a keeper.
Here's a thought. Remind him that his getting a mistress would "open" the relationship both ways. How would he feel if you were to likewise get a paramour? Would that stop him cold in his tracks to know that another man is holding you and making love with you? We're not talking threesome here...we're talking about you giving yourself to another man alone. Has he thought this through? Does he really want to risk this much only to be peed on?
Yeesh.
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 You seem to be a pretty ok chick,but you also seem to have deep rooted insecurities n issues which make you highly dependent on your man n blinding you to some of his faults and even red flags. To the issue here,i think its up to him to make you squirt when the 2 of you are in the sack depending on his level of experience instead of turning things around on you n making you the unsatisfactory inexperienced partner that he has. Thats manipulation,and yes you may be happy with him but when he starts making bigger n more outrageous sexual demands of you,the question is how much are you willing to tolerate regardless of how he makes you feel,when will you start thinking of YOU!? He is clearly a manipulator n has got your puppet strings on speed dial
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A
female
reader, Helpmeplz!!!! +, writes (8 June 2011):
Helpmeplz!!!! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha....love the squirt gun thing Ty for the laugh. Yes we both have the same image for our future. Were both money hungry and no what we have to do to get what we want and have our plan written out and are strictly sticking to it. Outside the bedroom life realy is perfect. I am open willing and would love to try a 3some, and we have both said if either of us don't like it we dont do it again. The suicide thing all happened last year (twice) tried councelling and hated it it made me feel worse coz I had to keep thinking bout it. I did learn however that I take to much to heart I burden myself with other people's pain and worries and I need to relax lol. If I said no to him he wouldn't do it but then I would always no he wasn't happy and that would kill me coz he makes me so happy. That's why I asked the question. I'm a pretty open minded person I like to try new things and I was wishful that some open minded people would answer my question. The person that called him a freak I think needs to relax a bit and realize that we are all made differently and I actually like the idea of Being able to do these things to him it is a turn on for me to no that he is so turned on.......what's a women to do????
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 June 2011):
To me sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship. ... But to him, the sex you're having doesn't satisfy him. So to him sex is more important?
Yes it is a part of it and the sex we have is amazing....far from vanilla lol....
but it's still not enough for him. It's enough for you. But the fetish isn't satisfied in him?
Our goals our friendship all that other stuff is perfect... So as far as goals go, he wants the same things you do? Pictures the same future or at least will be happy with it.
What if you say 'no'? What will that mean to your future together?
he makes me feel like a beautiful sexy woman. And I actually have alot of respect for him instead of leaving me or cheating (without telling me) he had enough 'respect' to tell me there's something his not happy with and what he wants to do about it... As I said before, that's the good thing!
I'm happy with 3somes and if the right girl came along I'd b all for it... So he wants a threesome too? But you're holding out for the right girl?
But yes I am scared that the 'mistress' will replace me :-(. ... Sorry that was upsetting to you but it had to be raised as a possibility.
He has also been the only person to stick by me when I attempted suicide and was extremely depressed, and the first person that I feel has ever tried to get to know me and understand me. ... When was this? When did you attempt suicide? This is a pretty good indicator that you are extremely emotionally vulnerable. How did the counseling post-attempt go, what did you learn about yourself?
Be open minded not everything is black and white. Thank you for taking the time to answer my problem. ... The world is shades of gray.
The thing I hear in your voice online is that you really aren't interested in the threesome (that was new news to us) or emptying your bladder of urine on him or trying to ejaculate. He seems to be interested in females expelling liquid. Is there some way you can fake this? Get a small plastic squirt gun and start practicing!
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A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (8 June 2011):
No way. No mistress. That's a powder keg waiting to go off. If you are worried that he will leave you unless you comply, well then you should already have your answer. He isn't in it for you, he's in it for sex with you.
Is that how the 'one for you' treated you in all your fantasies?
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A
female
reader, Helpmeplz!!!! +, writes (8 June 2011):
Helpmeplz!!!! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo me sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship. Yes it is a part of it and the sex we have is amazing....far from vanilla lol and everything else we have together is perfect. Our goals our friendship all that other stuff is perfect he makes me feel like a beautiful sexy woman. And I actually have alot of respect for him instead of leaving me or cheating (without telling me) he had enough 'respect' to tell me there's something his not happy with and what he wants to do about it. I'm happy with 3somes and if the right girl came along I'd b all for it. But yes I am scared that the 'mistress' will replace me :-(. He has also been the only person to stick by me when I attempted suicide and was extremely depressed, and the first person that I feel has ever tried to get to know me and understand me. Be open minded not everything is black and white. Thank you for taking the time to answer my problem
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 June 2011):
Okay, what is your goal here? Where do you see your relationship going? What do you want to happen? I know your feelings are telling you that he's the one for you, but, and this will sting, you may not be the one for him.
This guy is wanting a "mistress", basically another woman to use and dump on as a sex toy to pee on him and female ejaculate on him. Do you think that he'll be upfront about that? No way. Unless she's a paid hooker, she'll develop feelings for him.
For a guy to be the one for you, you must be all he wants. You also need to feel comfortable enough to tell him what doesn't do it for you. There are two people in this relationship. Sounds like you tried out what he was interested in, and it really didn't do it for you. That happens, and it's okay!
You must remember, many of these fetishes evolve into even more wild variants when fed into. He could be talking about golden showers today, but soon, to a sex addict who can't be satisfied, that won't even satisfy him. He'll need more and more exotic ways of getting the thrill.
Don't ever allow a mistress into your relationship. Be with a guy who is satisfied by being with you and wanting to please you and likewise really being turned on by what he does to you. If he can't be satisfied by you alone, then the relationship won't work.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 June 2011):
Tell us why he's the one for you? Why he's so wonderful? Maybe then someone will understand why you are contemplating allowing him to have sex with another woman.
Your guy has a fetish and if you can't fulfill the 'requirements' of the fetish you two aren't really sexually compatible. Good news is that you know now, before you are married. Bad news is you can't ejaculate on command or pee on him, and this is apparently what he requires to feel 'satisfied.'
The mistress would have to have these particular skills, which would mean that he would have to be very specific in his ads for the sexual partner. He would find the particular woman, I can't imagine she would do this for nothing, so she'd have to be compensated in some way, or maybe she would be doing this because she's attracted to your boyfriend. Then the thing is that he would probably realize that he and she are better sexual partners than you and he are.
I just don't see this ending well. Either you're into his fetish or you are plain vanilla sex to him, I think.
Tell us again why he's the one for you?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (8 June 2011):
 Is he really the one for you? A man who makes sexual demands that you cannot fulfill. A man who doesn't find you, as you are, enough, or satisfying. A man who is quite happy to tell you that you are not good enough for him? Is that really the sort of man who is for you?
Tell him no!
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