A
female
age
,
*lder and Undecided
writes:I lost my husband of 27 years about 4 years ago, it really was the love of my life. Here is the problem, I figured not everyone gets a once in a lifetime love so who needs another one. So I did a dumb thing, I got married to a "nice" guy, ask anyone they will tell you he is. The problem is that he is a large man and though we have been married for two years, we don't have intercourse, and he has quit trying to satisfy me other ways as well. I am a firm believer that sex is very important to a relationship. To top it off he lives in what I was told to me is his home, with his mother..mind you he is 50 years old. I now realize how stupid this was and want out, but everytime I bring it up he just doesn't hear me or begs me in tears not to end it. I just don't love him like a wife should, and it almost pains me to spend time with him. To keep my sanity I have pretty much moved out and taken a job in another town, and see him only every two weeks. How do I get myself out of this mess without destroying him? thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): Agree with "chocoholicforever"
You won't destroy him, but make sure he understands that you are sorry, that you love the side of him that you married, and that you realize now that the death of your husband caused you to make decisions that have hurt not only you, but others (him) as well.
Death of loved ones does that to us sometimes.
You are right, many people never get that "one true love", and never know what it is like. When we are lucky enough to find that person and live with them, and then lose them, it can be devastating beyond what those other people can even believe.
I've seen it happen more than once.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (8 June 2011):
I'm sorry to hear of the situation you're in. I think you have to end this marriage even though he will feel hurt.
Most people will have a difficult emotional time when they go through a divorce. that's completely normal. And, most people recover from it and "survive" and move on. Many people, even as they are going through their divorce, manage to continue working their jobs, taking care of children (if they have any), paying the bills, and so on. They are still suffering and grieving, and they may take years to fully heal the scars and get over the pain and shock but in the meantime they are still able to be functional in daily life, they are not "destroyed" or at least not for any extended length of time. In other words, it will not be the end of the world if you divorce him, if he's a fairly emotionally healthy individual.
If he's not an emotionally healthy person, if he would be devastated to the point of not being able to function in daily life for an extended time or becoming suicidal, then he has serious emotional problems that go deeper than your actions (of staying or leaving him) and which you cannot be held responsible for.
You are not a deity or a supernatural being, you don't have the power to "destroy" him just by the fact of leaving him. If he would in fact be 'destroyed' from you leaving him, it's not due to you, it's because he has serious emotional problems that have always been there and which he needs to learn how to get under control by seeing a therapist, and if necessary taking medication.
If you've already moved out and only see him every two weeks, I doubt that informing him that you want a divorce is going to be a complete blindside. he probably already knows or sees it coming. And maybe by not telling him but he suspects, he's "waiting for the axe to fall" which is more anxiety-provoking for him and if you actually finally told him, he may feel some kind of a relief in a way.
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