A
female
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anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. He’s 27 and I’m 25. We love each other and we both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We currently don’t live together because we live 2 hours away and have our own careers in 2 different cities. I’ve thought about moving to his city and start fresh, but I just wonder why my boyfriend wouldn’t ask me to marry him by now. I’ll feel much more secure if we’re engaged when I move in with him. I know he’s very serious about me. I hinted to him about how I think being married is important to me and my family before moving in. He just tells me it’s only a label and if someone is not faithful, a marriage certificate wouldn’t help the relationship to stay together. I understand his point of view, but it’s hard for me to tell my family I’m quitting everything for a guy who’s only my boyfriend. He’s a nice guy and loves me dearly. He’s was married when he was 18 and got divorced when he was 22. His ex-wife went off with another guy. That probably changed his view on marriage. I don’t want to make him marry me, but I want to know what he has in mind. We talked about not having kids for at least 5 years. I have no problem with that. Just when my friends are all getting married, it makes me think whether my boyfriend wants me to be his wife or as his girlfriend forever.Anyone know what he’s thinking and what I can do?
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female
reader, Dream_Girl  +, writes (14 July 2008):
 Marriage is one of the biggest commitments someone can make.But let's face it, commitment scares a lot of guys.He's probably a little scared of having a repeat of his last marriage. If you really want to be his wife you have to prove to him that. If you can outlast his first wife he might be more open minded to the idea.Try moving in with him first. (that there is a big step)See how it goes. If you can live together well, great! You're already more comfortable with each other than most couples!But if it doesn't go so well try compromising for each other. If that doesn't work, then maybe you two shouldn't spend the rest of your life together.You're only 25, so much changes about someone in their 20's.I know it seems like you're late for the alter, you're not!You've got a lot of years left on you.So if the relationship is worth it, then just enjoy it.Everything works itself out in time :]
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): Hi
I think that your boyfriend wants to take one step at a time, so he wants you to move in with him and then take things from there. If your parents know about him and that you have been together for 3 years, then I dont see why they should object if you want to be with him. I think you guys need to be together and live together to be closer to one another. A two hour commute is not good for a healthy relationship. You dont know how you guys would be in day to day situations, and I think it is better for you to test that out rather than getting engaged straight away. If you are sure that its going to work and are willing to compromise no matter what, then a ring on your finger should not matter.
I hope everything works out for you after you move there. Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (14 July 2008):
 Wow, He has no problem with committing to anything that isn't going to happen for at least five years or anything that involves him moving out of his own city. He has problems about committing to anything that changes his life, however. As long as the risk is entirely yours, he's fine with it. Have you noticed a pattern here?
Don't be surprized if you do quit your own job and move there that the marriage doesn't happen ever or the deadline to consider having a family gets pushed back another year, and then two more after that. It's pretty obvious that he doesn't like settling down or committment, and it doesn't matter if he became this way because of his previous divorce or not. It's not a problem that you can fix because you love him more or because you would never treat him like his first wife. You can't change his behavior, you can only change your own behavior and that's life.
It's also pretty obvious that marriage and children are goals that you expect to accomplish for yourself. Surely you can see the dichotomy here in both of your philosophies of life. They are two entirely different things and they are directly opposed to one another. Hunnie, you are heading into a whole lot of heartache if you head down this road. AND you stand to waste years of your time and possibly, just possibly, your chance to have a family. I think you are in deep denial about the fact that this isn't ever going to work.
I'm sorry if reading this is breaking your heart, but you really should open your eyes and take a good look at this with them wide open. I wish it weren't true, but I'm afraid that it is and you are just going to go down that garden path and waste all that love waiting for him to change. He's already told you what he wants out of this relationship, you are just refusing to believe him. He doesn't believe in marriage and he doesn't want children for at least five years, and it sounds like you had to talk him into agreeing to that. This doesn't sound like a good relationship to place a bet on if your own personal goals are marriage and children.
If I were you, I would keep that in mind the next time that you have a discussion. Instead of trying to talk him into your point of view, actually LISTEN to him and hear what he's telling you. That's his choice, that's what he wants, that's the direction that he anticipates his life heading in. Right now, it sounds like you have been putting words in his mouth that you wanted to hear him say and kidding yourself.
Forgive me if this letter sounded harsh, but this is what I got out of the letter that you sent to the site. I'm adding my opinion in case it has some relevence to you in your situation. I would hate to think that you moved cities, away from your family, chasing after something that wasn't going to happen. This is just my opinion, but if my opinion is on the mark, I'd like to spare you from making a bad decision. Good Luck, Hunnie.
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A
female
reader, jess18maine +, writes (14 July 2008):
 It sounds like yuor caring to much about what your family and friends think and just letting his feeling float under undetected. He's just not ready for a commitment bigger then moving in together. Try the moving in together and see where that goes. You need to know if you can live together because you get married. You seem to be jumping the gun just because your family won't like the idea and because your jealous your friends are getting married.
Be patient, give him time, he doesn't want to jump into something and have it fail again.
If you both love eachother what is a marriage licence going to change aside from filing your taxes jointly?
Best of luck to you, but give your man a break.
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