A
female
age
30-35,
*hlle
writes:Hi y’all. I’ve taken some of your advice to put myself out there and date and get to know a guy. He’s actually a classmate of mine and my friends set us up. We’ve been dating for for a while but he treats me differently. The conversation of sex came up recently and I told him I was a virgin. Ever since then, he has treated me like glass. My friends think it is romantic and sweet, but I find it nerve wracking. I’ve told him how I’ve felt and he told me he just doesn’t want to rush things and take things slow. He doesn’t treat me like a person. He makes a bigger deal out of my virginity than I do. He always goes on about how unique I am, how innocent I am, how rare I am, how I’m a unicorn, how he wants to make our first intimate moments super special. My friends all say it’s romantic and wish they had a guy like that for their first time, but I just don’t like it. I don’t know how to explain it. All my friends tell me I should be grateful, but I just don’t like it. None of my friends understand and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it. What do you think? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 June 2019):
 Thanks for the follow-up. Just to let you know I once had a boyfriend who was a virgin at 26, unkissed and everything. We did not make it into a big deal and things were just normal. The «first time» or «virgin» is just a made up concept after all. People have a sexuality regardless of their sexual experience. And the first time between any new couple is special to that couple, no matter their level of experience. I just think its all blown out of proportion, you dont change personality based on having had sex or not. Me and my ex boyfriend ended up just having sex because we were horny and turned on, no rose pedals on the bed or special date beforehand or anything. And it was great, I wish my first time had been so relaxed and focused on desire, as thats what is great about sex. And not this focus on «virginity», because it isnt all its blown up to be.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (7 June 2019):
 Well done, OP. I disagree with a certain response because it’s dismissive and judgemental, so I’m glad you’ve asserted yourself and accepted that you deserve better. It’s great when a guy respects you, virginity or not, but going on about it and ignoring your feelings is not respectful.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 June 2019):
 Yes, if his is so focused on your being a virgin that he can't see you as a person too - just a person with no sexual experience, then he is not for you.
I will still say when you DO meet someone, go slow. Doesn't matter if you are a virgin or not. It's just smart to get to know the person you are considering dating and being intimate with.
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female
reader, chlle +, writes (7 June 2019):
chlle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello y’all,
I’m the original poster. I appreciate the advice. I’ve talked to him about how I feel and he still does the same thing. I’m just going to break up with him and take a break from dealing with guys and put all my focus on school. Thanks again!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2019): OP, you need to be direct and specific with men when you are communicating. Men do not think and feel like you do. I imagine that you want him to be able to perceive your dislikes. Couples who are married for years, still struggle to understand each other, because women think by feeling and men just want the straight facts. Is he a virgin also? Why are you still a virgin, at your age? I hate to tell you, but even though your fella is going to praise and worship you like the virgin Mary, his goal is still to get in your pants! He is just gonna run the Mr Nice Guy game on you. Another way to say it is that he is going to charm the panties right off of you! In fact he even told you so when he said that he is going slow because he wants to make your first intimate moments special. That is kind of presumptuous. Who said there were going to be any intimate moments? If you decide to have sex, protect yourself by insisting on condoms and talk to your gyno MD to get on some form of birth control! Be safe! Good Luck!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2019): With all the complaints we receive here at DC, it would seem guys can't win. He's too insensitive, he pays me no attention, he's not affectionate, he cheats, he snaps at me...on and on and on!
If you feel he's going overboard with idolizing and paying tribute to your virginity; then just politely say so. It is rare that a person is a virgin in their 20's; during times when porn is mainstream-entertainment; and you can watch sex scenes on prime-time television. He respects you and treats you well, and you're complaining???
Virginity is as rare as kindness; because it's lost at 12 years-old nowadays, and being loose and whorish is okay. Throwing yourself at guys who treat you like a used-condom after sex is what often happens to females who aren't discerning, or have little respect for themselves. He has the responsibility to make your first-time meaningful and to show you it was worth the wait. No, virginity in itself is not all that much of a big deal; considering a total hell-raising fire-breathing witch can abstain from having sex!
You don't have a real problem. You just need to tell him take a chill-pill; you're a virgin, not a saint.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 June 2019):
Waiting a while is a good idea whether you’re a virgin or not, but him constantly going on about you being unique/special purely based on that is a little odd. If you plan to be in a relationship and possibly have sex with a partner, you HAVE to be able to talk to them about it all first. That includes this.
Sit down and tell him one more time that you’re happy to wait a little while and make it special, but you don’t like him going on about it and treating you the way he is. You must be specific or he won’t understand what it is you don’t like. If he continues after that, then maybe you’re not right for each other.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 June 2019):
I get it. But what you need to understand is that you are dating a guy who obviously puts a lot of emphasis on virginity. More than you do. I would wonder if he would think of me as less special after sex, if he over-values my virginity. I mean what woman wants to have a «price» based on her sexual experience? Its not romantic at all, its sexist. I would probably be so freaked out by it that I would dump him.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (6 June 2019):
N91 is right, this needs a conversation. Those of us who remain virgins later in life than our peers tend to accept it as just one of those things and get on with life. To others, though, they assume that if we have missed out on something they’ve experienced, it’s a really big deal. That’s why your friends think it’s sweet that he’s recognising just what a big deal it is. It’s also why he’s probably assuming that it is a big deal to you, and that he’s showing you the respect you deserve and want. What’s more, as your question demonstrates, virginity is often conflated with innocence. Again, to the twenty-something virgin, this is probably not how you see it. Having written for this site for years, I’ve probably had more discussions about the technique and communication of good sex than most with a fulfilling and active sex life. Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam’s classic ‘Joy of Sex’ is always near the top of my Kindle library. But many people assume you’re either too innocent, too shy or have chosen to wait for marriage. Some people do, after all, make their virginity a badge (or purity ring) of honour. For some it is a status that says something about them. For others, it’s just a fact of life.
The result of all this is that your boyfriend’s misguided ideas about your first time are making him put enormous pressure on himself. If one’s innocence is to be corrupted, it must surely be the most loving, amazing, incredible experience. He probably sees your virginity as an amazing gift which he needs to feel worthy to accept, since after all you’ll never be able to give it to anyone else. Whilst I can understand how maddening that must be for you, I can see clearly how this basic misunderstanding means you are miles apart. If it’s driving you nuts, you’ll have to gently tell him. I would encourage you to ask him what he thinks you feel about the first time, and listen to his answers. Ask him what he thinks he needs to do. Then, slowly and gradually, challenge him to imagine what he’d do if things were different. Suppose he knew that you were aware of the fact that the first time probably won’t be this awesome experience. Suppose you know that it could be clumsy and awkward, and you might not know what you’re doing. Suppose you understand that, once it’s over, you’ll wake up the next day and realise that you’re still the same person. Suppose you don’t see your virginity as some great prize. If he’s able to start seeing things more from this point of view, he’ll be more receptive to your suggestion that he calms down a bit and will better understand how he’s making you feel. If he still can’t change how he’s reacting, it might be more a hang up with him and then I wouldn’t have sex with him. But we should assume his reaction is the product of frankly silly cultural ideas about virginity. Those who have had sex already ought to know better, but they often don’t.
I wish you all the very best.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 June 2019):
 But you can talk to your boyfriend about it ! You can, and should, tell him which are the behaviours and phrases that make you uncomfortable or irritate you- so he can change.
If you never tell him when he does something you dislike, and in fact sit there , maybe, lapping it all up with an angelic smile , - how is he supposed to know that it bothers you ?. Some girls WOULD actually be very flattered by his attutide ( not saying that they would be right, or that you should feel flattered too . Only that he can't automatically know how you feel about this issue, if you don't tell him )
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 June 2019):
 Tell him. Simple.
He’s not going to stop unless you say something, for all he knows you really appreciate his behaviour.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2019):
I think your friends speaks from experience. And I think he IS doing the "right" thing is going slow with you. That isn't JUST for your sake, it's for his own too.
But if I were you I'd tell him to stop TREATING you like you are made of glass.
There is nothing wrong in TAKING your time before you go for sex. TBH I think the number is 80% of women and 30% of men regret their first time and that usually comes down to having sex with someone they weren't emotionally invested in.
And from reading your post, you don't sound like you are SUPER into him. So frankly, waiting a while is NOT a bad idea.
If you don't like, then YOU have to TALK to him. And you HAVE to decide if you want to date him. Are you dating him because your friends hooked you up? Or do you REALLY actually LIKE him?
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