A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. my boyfriend and i have been together for one year now even though we have been friends for close to ten years. The problem is that he he feels a woman place is in the kitchen. He does support my career aspiration but bluntly refuses to help around the house even though i desperately need one. Coming back from work can be hectic and i do need help sometimes but he says those just "excuses women" give not to do their duty.He says cleaning and cooking is a woman's job. He also feels a woman should not to argue with the man.No matter what he does wrong i shouldnt complain. Even when he insults me i shouldnt respond.I'm not allowed to even voice any distress.If i do then then he gets angry and i'm always wrong.What should i do? Is this normal in a relationship? Can i change him or move on? Thanks
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Thanks everyone, you all helped. I threatened to walk out until i saw changes.He has agreed to do some things around the house but those he feels are masculine. Things like ironing of my clothes and his, watching the dishes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): That is stupid. He wants you to have a good career, so that you bring in money, but then he also thinks you need to do all the cooking and cleaning too? What he wants is a mommy, not a partner. He contradicts himself if he says "a woman's place is in the kitchen" but he also supports your career. If you weren't working I bet he'd treat you like even less of a person, because then he would have to work harder to bring some money in. I had a baby 2 months ago, I don't work. I cook and clean, but my boyfriend helps out around here too, he'll mow the lawn and do other guy type jobs, but if I ask him to vacuum, or make breakfast, he doean't thinik twice. He supports me and our baby and he helps out. You need a man that will respect you more. Either that or you quit your job (if that's what you want) and let him support you while you be his maid. He can't have it both ways.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (19 June 2007):
 All I can say is that the sex had better be out of this world. Still in all, if it were me, I'd leave this neanderthal in the dust.
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (19 June 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
If I were you, I wouldn't tolerate this guy's behavior. At the very least, you two should pick up after yourselves - and since he is the one who partially dirties up everything, he should have no problem splitting chores such as vacumming, doing the dishes, etc.
But let me ask you - does he do things around the house such as mowing the lawn and fixing appliances? If he does, then it is understandable why he wouldn't want to help out around the house as much. **Keywords: "as much."** Just because he does other things around the home shouldn't give him a free pass to force you to do all of the other chores.
You may also want to check out this link: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-sexist-boyfriend-thinks-its-the-womans-job.html
This woman had the same problem as you do and got a lot of good advice.
Don't let yourself be treated like hired help or like a doormat. Eventually after hearing you are less than a man, you may really start to believe it. Do you really want to be with someone so destructive?
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (19 June 2007):
 He is living in the dark ages when women were chattle, a mans property. A woman is not a man's property and she not only has the right, but she OUGHT to argue with a man when he does something wrong. She OUGHT to complain when he mistreats her. If you did not work, then it might be considered acceptable to say that you should do the cooking and cleaning as your 'job', but you do work. So he is saying you have to work TWO jobs, while he only works one. If he wants the cooking and cleaning to be your job, then tell him that he will need to completely support you financially so that you can quit your career and just stay home.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 June 2007):
 By not standing your ground, you're reinforcing his silly ideas. You have to make a stand and draw a line in the sand. The more yo give in, the stronger he becomes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Skeez +, writes (19 June 2007):
 No this is not a normal relationship. It sounds as though he is taking you seriously for granted. And i doubt you could change him, but If you want a go at it, talk to him how you feel.
Sit him down and tell him that you have too talk about your feelings to him whether he likes it or not. I can imagine in this realtiosnhip that you do not feel very loved with his controlling. You need time to do soemthing for yourself. You have work and house work to do all the time. Refuse to clean up and avoid arguement by going out and have a night out with your friends. Come back and dont pick arguement, if he does then just tell him 'I have my own life to live, your not there to control me' or something like that and just walk upstairs to your bedroom.
But i truely believe you should leave him. He doesnt sound liek someone who really cares for you. He sounds arrogant and discusting.
I hope you choose what you feel is best for you
Good luck hun x x x
...............................
|
