A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a great guy for a few years. He's been divorced for almost a decade and has a 13 years old daughter. He gets his daughter every weekend and cherishes the time he has with her. Since I've known him, I've felt like he treats his daughter more like a "buddy" than a child. He has, for years, taken her to bars with him, to see R rated movies and discussed our relationship with her. In the last year he's started taking her shopping to get her opinion on lingerie he buys for me. When they are alone (which is most of the time), they are often in his bed curled up, until late hours of the night. In addition, when the three of us are together, she says things to cause friction, she whispers in his ear with me right by her side, and often becomes "sick" (sudden debilitating tummy aches, or ear aches, ankle sprains, etc). Her behavior is very predictable.I don't blame the daughter for her behaviors, she's a child that needs guidance on etiquette and appropriateness. My issue is with my boyfriend. I think he needs to treat her like the child she is and stop treating her like an adult friend. What are your thoughts? Is this a case of me just being over-judgmental, or are my concerns valid?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): Drlancemerryweather in response to-----Be very careful what you reply, female reader anonymous. It's people like you that get innocent people a bad rep for no reason. Sorry, but you just come over as being a hard-bitten, cynical man-hater who's had a bad experience and wants all men to suffer as a result.
It's people like you who play russian roulette with situations and enable perverts, child molesters. It's better safe than sorry when it comes to children, and that you are taking this situation light speaks volumes. Again, his conduct is putrid, perverted, grotesque and needs to be reported. Hopefully you don't work for cps or have children!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 January 2011):
 Hard to say. It all depends from the context and the details.
Example : you say he takes her to bars with him. That's pretty horrible if you mean he has her doing the wee ours of the morning downing shots with a drunken crowd of bawdies, in fact I think it 's illegal .
If instead you mean that , when they are out together, they'll make a stop for a Coke in a place that also happens to have a license for spirits..... by this token you might say I was "taking my son to bars " when he was 2, or 3. In my country 99% of coffe shops ,expresso bars etc. also sell spirits, so in the same place you have mommies and kids drinking fruit juices and cappuccinos, AND other customers drinking beer and wine.( Btw my son now is 21 and does not drink at all ) .
Same with :" they stay in his bed curled up till late hours of the night". That sounds rather horrible too... unless you translate with a more normal, reassuring : "on weekends night they like to have a cuddle while watching Tv or a DVD together ". That happens quite often, if they are used to be comfortable with physical displays of affection, that's what their intimacy is about, affection !,- not incest as you seem to suggest.
As for the rated R movies- frankly I don't see the problem. Rated R simply means that if you are under 17 you must be accompanied by an adult, not that you are not supposed to see the movie. Also because, in USA R rating is authomatic for any hint of partial nudity so lots of really mellow movies will be rated R . "Lost in Translation " was rated R ! I mean, come on.
Of course , not knowing either you or the situation, I can't totally dismiss your suspicions- we live in a bad,mean world.
But my point is, that often things are just as pure or impure as we want to see them.
Again, following your reasoning then ALL French or Italian
parents are bad,corruptive influences, because they take
their kids to their local beaches , where there are always tons of braless girls. The idea is not to purposely expose
your kid to the view of naked breasts- the idea is just to bring your kid at the seaside. "Omnia munda mundis " everything's clean to the clean of heart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): It doesn't sound so much like she is his adult friend, but he is her teenage friend. They probably indulge each other's childish behavior.It could be that since he only sees his daughter on the weekends (most people's relaxation time), he has become a buddy more than a parent role model. After all, he's not the one helping her with her homework.As for the kids behavior, you are an intruder in an interpersonal relationship that has predated you for a long time, so it's not entirely surprising. I'm not sure you can change the nature or tone of their relationship and I think it would be unwise to try.The bed snuggling IS really suspect to me as is the lingerie buying. I really hope for the kid's sake she hasn't been molested by your boyfriend. It does sound inappropriate. But, since you don't know any facts, I wouldn't call child protective services quite yet. Ultimately if you want to stay with him, you will have to share space with her. Her behavior will probably change as she grows up.Perhaps tell him though that you don't like the fact that he shares your personal information and get's relationship advice from his daughter. Stress that you want some boundaries between your relationship and their relationship or at least some respect.
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (23 January 2011):
 Overeaction and assumptions from Anonymous I question the reason why he'd take his 13yr old daughter with him lingerie shopping for you though and slightly question the
remark
**When they are alone (which is most of the time), they are often in his bed curled up, until late hours of the night**
Are they asleep or curled up cuddling she needs to be a child first and children do seek comfort from their father's and mothers that is normal it depends on the nature of the conduct though im questioning you say when they're alone is it after the sudden debilitating tummy aches, or ear aches, ankle sprains? If so it's a case of she doesn't like the woman who is seeing her father now she hasnt accepted you yet thats normal if on the other hand you're constantly coming home to find them in bed together then yes I'd agree with anonymous and be questioning that.
Mind yes a child needs to be a child but at same time even if it was a female adult friend i highly doubt he'd be curled up in bed with them either unless they were in a relationship so I'd be definitely questioning whats going on.
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A
male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather  +, writes (23 January 2011):
 WHATTTT??? Be very careful what you reply, female reader anonymous. It's people like you that get innocent people a bad rep for no reason. Sorry, but you just come over as being a hard-bitten, cynical man-hater who's had a bad experience and wants all men to suffer as a result.
Now let's calm down here. Sounds like a bit of jealousy creeping in here, poster - and with good cause, I think. Yes, she sounds an absolute brat but then this can be normal behaviour, given the circumstances. She's had her dad for so long, then you appear on the scene, stealing some of her dad's affections. And yes, maybe he should have brought her up differently but then, he's hiding nothing from you so by default, has nothing to hide. You know about the conversations, the clothing choices, the cuddling in bed.(Incidentally, this wouldn't sound half as bad if it were cuddling on the sofa - think about that. I think he's just naive)
You need to tell him about your misgivings and that you find the whole situation is becoming intolerable. I'd be feeling the same way in your situation. In fact, a few years ago, i experienced the same but in reverse. She treated her daughter (age 28!) like a baby and gave into her about everything, leaving me a distant 2nd! And the brat milked it for all it was worth. I could take no more and we eventually split. I hope it doesn't come to that so, have that chat and hopefully, you three can reach a compromise.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): You need to call child protective services IMMEDIATELY. Set aside your wants and desires for him and place the welfare of that child first. What you have shared here has my gut turning inside out with respect to how that man is conducting himself with his child. It is just gross! I mean putridly grotesque! I am so enraged by that man's conduct. Please call cps asap and report that dirty rotten evil perverted devil! GROSS!
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