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female
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*murphy
writes: Help - My boyfriend ogles and says "HEY NOW!" as he stares at beautiful blondes walking by when he was drinkingI was with my boyfriend in a restaurant /bar. He had lot to drink and I was wondering if the following scenario should bother me. actually, this has happened about 10 times before. We've been together almost two years and living together for most of that time. He was VERY attentive at first, then started going down hill. He used to tell me I am beautiful. Not anymore. Now he stares at other women. Anyhow, to get back to what I was saying. We were in a restaurant / bar playing Trivia. He had some to drink I only had water. We were sitting by the window. A woman walked by us in the restaruant and then outside and then wrapped around the building passing our window to go to her car. He followed her with his eyes pass by us, go outside, and pass by him from outside the window. He even turned his head to look at her as she walked passed and yelled "Hey Now!". He was also being loud while we were playing Trivia. I told him to keep it down. I asked him why he doesn't look at me like that or tell me I'm pretty when I am with him (while we were still playing Trivia). He said because my but went from thin to big (I did gain 15 lbs since we met) and he made hand gestures to show his point even more by outlining a thin but and a big butt in the air while he was telling me this. I was hurt and angry at his disrespect. I also feel very hollow lately because he doesn't say anything nice to me anymore. For example, I have a very important job interview with a company I want to work for so bad. I was so excited I got the interview. He didn't seem happy at all - looked down and said quietly "that's good honey". When ever I talk about it he gets quiet and says he doesn't want to be too happy for me so I don't get my hopes up in case I don't get the job because then he has to deal with me being sad afterwards. I was hurt. Why can't he say - Good Job - I know you'll get it - Go get him your the best... I admit, I am a little nervous and insecure and I need the boost because I really want this job. He doesn't get it. I've been sad before because of interviews that led to now where, but I don't sulk about and I rarely talk to him aboput these dissappointments. I just say I guess I didn't get the job and keep looking. I don't know what he is talking about when He says he has to see me sad. I feel like he is already setting me up for failure and I need the encouragement. When I talk to him about it I get the same response. Anyway, back to the ogling. On the way home that night ( I was driving ) he said that I look too. I don't and even if I do - I don't do it like that!We got into a huge fight about him not saying anything nice to me anymore to build up my self esteem and his ogling and everything else. He said if I don't like him then leave. I don't have a job to move out at this point yet. I started to pack and he said I don't have the guts to leave. I just want this job - the interview is in a few days and I want to be in a great frame of mind. I don't want to be upset. It really hurt that he said - just leave then if I can't look at other women - i thought you were going to leave - and he didn't talk to me at all the next day and I did my thing and he did his. What do you think he is feeling to treat me like this?Do you think he's abusive?Thanks for all your help!
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female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (12 November 2005):
 I'm afriad I agree with above. It is the beginning of a potentially abusive relationship where he is the taker and you are the giver. Get yourself together and see the sense in it. Do you want to spend a future with a man who is treating you like this already?
A
male
reader, Calidus +, writes (8 November 2005):
I think he is mentaly abusive of you, leave.
Im sorry, but at first glance of this message i would of said something about mans views about looking but not touching, but when i read the way his treating you... No one deserves that, leave him, its obviously his not the type of person you really need in your life, either try and talk to him about it, but if i read right this hasnt worked out very well.
So again, im going to throw my vote into saying leave him. You deserve better, someone who'll show you the supprot and pay you the compliments that are due :)
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