A
female
age
51-59,
*osey
writes:Hi everyone!I am so sorry for the length!!I have been with my bf for 3 years, we live together for 2 years now. His ex lives in another country with her fiance. My bf and her broke up about 1 year before we met. They still talk...i have no problem with that. My problem is that even though she is engaged to someone else my bf still (up until about 1 yr ago) had her on his benefits at work and she still had one of his credit cards.(until i found out) When she moved away just after they broke up my bf loaned her $5,000.00 than another $5,000.00 6 months later, Thats what he told me! Everytime she comes to visit her family here my bf goes to see her. Anytime she wanted something in canada that she couldnt get in the states she would ask my bf and he would send it to her, pretty much anything she asks for she gets.(although he says thats not true) She wanted to meet me to prove nothing was going on...so i met her. When she calls and he is home she says things like...oh i dont want to get you into trouble so ill get off the phone now(but she keeps on callin)my bf tells her no no its fine its fine dont worry. JUST this friday (after 3 yrs together) my bf tells me she owes him over $20,000.00 and has fallen on hardship and cant pay it back so now my bf has to pay it back. He said just yesterday that he was thinking of getting a second job...i said why cant she get a second job and pay you back...he said "there's only so much time in a day" He defends her to no end...it's driving me crazy!! I have told him i think he still loves her and he says No I Don't if i did i would still be with her! He told me at the beginning he broke up with her cause he was tired of her shit!! This doesnt look like someone who is tired of shit!! He constantly tells me "we are just friends" the infamous line!! haha I told my bf she is playing the game right...she has her fiance over there and a shtoop(idiot) over here who will give her anything! This situation with this woman has been a sore spot for pretty much our whole relationship! I think she is taking advantage of his kindness and i think he is just stupid for allowing it! I'm pissed off that he let it get so bad. I'm mad, hurt, disappointed and i feel in someways i'm being made a fool of here! I'm trying not to say anything about her because i know that will push him away! I don't know what to think or do here? Please help any opinions or advice would be awesome right about now!!Thank you so much everyone!!
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at work, broke up, engaged, fiance, his ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2013): Hi ... I was in your situation not that long ago just the reverse way round with his ex lending him money and drip feeding his account .... this was just the tip of the iceburg regarding the emotional intimacy they shared .... in the end I couldn't stand it ... like you ... she had been the monkey on my back throughtout our relationship ... it never goes away ... just becomes intolerable and you must be tormented daily ... i know how i felt .... only you can decide what to do but this situation is here to stay .... hugs to you sweetie and I really do feel for you xx
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 I agree with So Very...you arn't angry and sick to death of the situation enough yet and sure love is important, but how much will you love him if he lets her even further into your lives?...it's a ticking time bomb!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 When you are mad enough and angry enough and hurt enough you will leave him.
He's not done with her.
when my now ex hubby moved out I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
I forgave him 2k in debt just to be done with him.
I would call him and tell him of important things that came in the mail for him so he would not get in trouble.
He had over a year (nearly 2) to get his crap together. Now when important stuff comes to my house with his name on it (like Motor Vehicle stuff) I write "moved on XX/xx/xx return to sender no longer at this address"
My allegiance is no longer to him. He has a new wife let her fix him. And while I do not hate him, I do not see being friends with him. Friendly yes. Civil yes but NOT friends....
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A
female
reader, hosey +, writes (14 January 2013):
hosey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice! You are absolutely right! Most of it I have truly said to myself! It just sucks ass!!...because in so many other ways (apart from this) he is a wonderful wonderful man! I weigh the good and the bad and the good soooo out weighs the bad! I think that's why i have stayed for so long. Oh ya and I happen to love him! Dammit!!This sucks!Thanks again Aunties!Be well!
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (14 January 2013):
 You should leave this guy alone. He's still got feelings for his ex. While this is the case you two cannot have a healthy happy relationship.
Think about it, how many guys do you know give out this kind of money to someone other than their girlfriend/wife?
NONE.
Good. I hope you do push him away. This guy is a loser. Probably trying to buy the affections of this ex and all the time she is living somewhere else and is engaged to be married. She is not his responsibility. She has a fiancé. However, he makes it his responsibility because he still loves her.
She owes him 20,000 dollars. Hahahaha! What an idiot. Yet, you're the one that has to suffer because of all this?
This guy is OUT. Walk away and find someone else. How long can you put up with this? Maybe once her debt hits 30,000 dollars? 50,000 dollars? Maybe 100,000 dollars?
His ex must be loving it. Money for nothing.
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A
female
reader, xxxnattybumxxx +, writes (14 January 2013):
Well I'd make me feelings clear about how I felt.
If he rejected those feelings and carried on doing what he's doing then I'd get him an ultimatum because you're right..he is making a fool of you and if you don't make him see your being serious then it's going to carry on for a long time. If it does come down to you guys even having to go on a break for you to show him you mean business then stick to your guns! He needs to remember that he isnt the only bloke out there and there are plenty of men who would treat you right and if you asked a bloke what they thought of this (which I think you should) they're answer would be "he's still got feelings for her". Personally I drop all exs (if they are horrible) - some I still speak to but its liturally a conversation of Hi, how are you? what you been up to? goodbye. There's being an adult about a breakup and being a wisher. Don't let him inprint MUG on your forehead.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 January 2013):
Firstly you have my sympathy for having to put up with this situation.
Whether he is still in love with her, or just hanging onto her so there is a chance he may get his money back, whether he just can't help himself or just enjoys the cosy chats...the one fact remains...he is PISSING you off and being an insensitive jerk.
I get her game completely, she's into the guy for a lot of money so keeping him sweet ensures he doesn't sue her for the money and all the dances she is doing round him keep him (the idiot) just where she wants him. I doubt very much she wants him to be her man but he's very useful to her and she is milking it...whatever is in his head, it's clear he has no intention of letting go.
You have stuck up for yourself as best you can but it's not working and the only reason it's not working is that he doesn't care ENOUGH to change the situation (yep super shitty)
Maybe he is grateful that you are even still on the scene what with all his 'complications' but at the end of the day, he ain't doing you any favours...If you stay nothing changes...if you go nothing changes so you need to think about how much you are prepared to tolerate before you quit altogether?
It's most definitely an akward and unusual situation and you are like piggy in the middle, vieing for his attention, not really able to trust him and fearful that your relationship will suddenly end...but how solid is it anyway, and can it ever be more than it is all the time he is playing silly games with the ex...
Personally I wouldn't be able to stand it, cherishing my sanity as I do...you are a better woman than I
xxx
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