A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend (we'll call him Jim) saves pictures of beautiful women he knows onto his phone (he gets the photos off Facebook and online). I've known since I met him that he likes being seen with attractive women - the overwhelming majority of his Facebook photos are him with women. I chalked it up to an ego thing and thought it was not a big deal. I'm beginning to see now that it is not just about being seen with these women....A few weeks ago Jim "liked" a picture his friend Joe had posted of two women he (Joe) had gone to visit in Boston. The caption read "who wouldn't have a good time in Boston with these ladies showing you their city?," to which Jim replied "I'll go next." The comment showed up on my wall (no idea why) and I said something to him about it in passing. He didn't apologize until days later, after I'd sent him a long email explaining why what he did was embarrassing and disrespectful. I brought up the public nature of it and asked what he thought our mutual friends thought of our relationship/me when they saw that comment.Two weeks later he was showing me a photo on his phone (completely voluntarily) and I noticed a picture of a pretty young woman. I didn't say anything. He knew that I saw it, because later he started talking about her - how she's helping him do research for a business he wants to start. I told him that evening when I left that it was weird to have a picture of her and that he should delete it. He said he was glad I said something - he had saved the picture on accident when he was flipping through her account and he would delete it.The next week I was looking at pictures on his phone once again. He had been at a wedding the weekend before and I wanted to see pics of the bride and groom. He handed his phone to me to see them. After looking through the ones I had asked about, I clicked "back" to see thumbnails of the pics in his phone album. I saw several head shots of attractive women - I didn't hold onto his phone long enough to see if the same pic from last week was still there. I freely admit that I was checking to see if the problem from the week before had been taken care of.I went in his bedroom and cried. When he discovered I was upset we talked about it. He thought it was harmless and noted that he had covered up the pic of his pro cheerleader friend that hangs on his fridge that used to upset me. I brought up the things I had said in the email weeks before and he just seemed genuinely apologetic but convinced that there was no harm or weirdness in what he was doing.I'm not sure whether to read all this as a lack of love or a lack of commitment or something different. My gut instinct is that he stays with me because I'm good to him and maybe "as good as he can get," but that deep down he wishes he could have one of these beauty queens on his arm. He vehemently denies that and tells me how happy he is with me and that he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl alive. Aside from this weird picture business and a couple of other smaller factors, it seems true; we are happy together and he treats me like I'm the hottest girl he knows.So why is he doing this? And should I take action of some sort?For context, we have been together about 8 months, officially, but "talked" and flirted for about 8 months prior to that (we were separated by distance the first 8 months). We said "I love you" five months ago.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2013): I don't even know how to say this properly. But that is weird and kinda creepy. Keeping pictures of females is sort of knows on his phone. What is the reason? You seriously got to ask him this question. He barely knows these girls and some how they are so important he captures photos of them on his phone to review over and over again?
I would have to speak with you in person to clearly understand but that behaviour is beyond creepy to me.
You sound like a nice gal. Get yourself a boyfriend who has nothing but you on his phone. That is what you deserve. You have to be happy with your decision.
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): This is a hard one to call. From a guy's perspective this is pretty much normal for a lot of guys and meaningless in a lot of ways but it's not acceptable behaviour in most relationships because women are generally very intolerant about this kind of stuff.
OP he's essentially collecting women and window shopping for women right in your face. That's okay when it's a hobby you share with him, frankly I know more women who collect pictures of topless ripped hunks while in relationships than I do guys that collect women. I know more women who have a picture of Drake, Ronaldo or other "hunk" on their phone or Facebook profiles than of their boyfriend and it is in no way different just because they're celebrities OP or when women do it. Just because you like the celebs music doesn't mean it's more okay to drool over them than it is for a guy to do the same.
Frankly all that matters here really is your tolerance for this kind of thing, which is pretty much zero and I don't blame you OP. In my mind it's pretty much the same as a guy who leers at women while his partner is present and I don't know many who would tolerate that.
OP no one goes blind in a relationship, it is okay to check out other people I'm sure you'd take a second glance at an extremely attractive man too, but like most of us in relationships you keep that to when your partner isn't around as a matter of courtesy and respect.
The relationship I'm in we're actually fine checking out other humans and will even point out fine specimens to each other. We even share porn links and stuff too because we both indulge in that.
But we have our individual tolerances and collecting pictures of the opposite sex to feast our eyes on is not one of them, I would find that extremely disrespectful if my partner had pictures of topless hunks on her phone or pictures of her favourite male celeb.
I'm perfectly fine with her having a sexual imagination and indulging that to fantasize about other men during masturbation etc. I do the same. I'm even okay with her having fantasies about guys we know. But we both draw the line at collecting pictures, or window shopping the opposite sex.
I think female anon is very weird and way wide of the mark with her rapist psychopath analogy, it seems she has an extremely limited view of and experience with men.
There is nothing at all unusual about using facebook that way. Otherwise why do so many women post sexy pics, night out ones, selfies or bikini ones on Facebook if they weren't going to be getting male attention? I think it's extremely strange for women to think that facebook is some hallow turf that no guy is going to leer at women on it. The first thing most of us do is check any new female friends pics and if she's hot we'll show our friends. Women do it too, but they think they're somehow less vile than men when they go to check out the new guy their friend is dating or when they share that kind of stuff which they do too.
OP to him this is not a big deal, to you it is. I think the best you can hope for here is to ask him to respect you by not saving pictures of other women. It's not a big request at all, if he wants to see those women he only has to log into FB it makes no sense for him to collect pictures.
OP tell him if he wants to keep acting single then maybe he should be because you cannot and will not accept a guy who doesn't respect the boundaries of your relationship and keep any desire to check out other women discreet and to stop shoving it in your face.
All you ask is he respect you by not publicly and blatantly ogle other women or save their pictures, it's a simple matter of courtesy and respect OP. You know he's not blind, but if having more than one woman is his hobby then maybe he should go be single so he can enjoy that hobby without being tied down.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (10 May 2013):
 I have a friend who doesn't like the fact that her husband smokes or looks at porn magazines. No matter how many times she has had a "talk" with him, whenever she snoops through his stuff she would always find evidence of cigarettes and Porn.
I know it's unsettling, but if you tell him not to do it, he'll just find a way to hide the fact that he's still doing it.
Consider it a quirk or bad habit and find a way to humour it. If he was flirting or having affairs with these women, then you have something to worry about, but having a collection of photos of attractive women...I could think of worse things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): I'd feel like this too. I had a boyfriend that would browse dating sites telling me that it was the same as looking through the window of a bar. We just didn't see eye to eye on it and it drove us apart. I could not go out with someone like that again. Not all guys are like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): That is creepy. If some guy I was randomly facebook friends with was saving pics of me I'd be so weirded out.
Your boyfriend needs to get a life or a hobby.
I don't think he is going to change. And I don't think its normal. He doesn't sound like he is ready for a relationship. He is so immature he may never be. I get that he treats you well otherwise but those inappropriate comments he leaves on facebook that are humiliating to you, for everyone to see, the pics he collects on his phone of OTHER women, some of which are real people he knows...this is a major character flaw and one that is going to chip away at your self esteem. It may seem like a little thorn in your side now but its only going to get bigger and bigger as I foresee he is going to continue doing this and you are going to continue being affected by it worse and worse each time. Not only is he violating his respect for you as his girl but he is also violating other women's privacy.
Not trying to creep you out here but thats the kind of stuff rapists and psychopaths do.
This is all really inappropriate and bizarre. I really think this is going to greatly affect your self esteem so I think you should dump this loser.
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A
female
reader, myboyfriendsacnt  +, writes (10 May 2013):
Yup. Not okay!!! To me this really is not a way to show someone that you care but is a childish behaviour & infact he is probably loving the reaction he is getting from you by having these pics. Your jealousy will be giving him quite a nice ego boost. Ignore these pictures, but do tell him it makes him look like a desperate loser & that you'd rather date a hot guy that's only interested in 1 real woman... Then say nothing else..... If he stops then great.. If not, then move on while your young as has bad morals.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, alien invasion +, writes (10 May 2013):
 This is difficult. I'm kind of going through the same thing, I mean...relatively. In any case, I've had a problem similar to this with my boyfriend and we talked about it the first time almost a year ago. I told him "if you truly love me and want to be with me, you have to stop doing this" and he said he was sorry and that he would stop. A year later, he's still doing it. I confronted him again and he said he was sorry but I'm so incredibly upset that not just a "sorry" can fix this, you know? Things got out of control and he says he has this "problem" with it.In any case, things haven't turned out well. I have to say that if he continues to do this, you shouldn't have to put up with it. It's either you deal with it or you don't. Plain and simple. He should understand that and respect you. Otherwise it's just not worth it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): The best answer I can give you is some men are just like this, and some aren't. He really may think you are the most beautiful woman alive, yet for whatever reason just can't break the habit of looking at others. Since he's saving their pictures, he's obviously using them for masturbation, which IS a little creepy if he knows them. He can defend it all he wants, but it is what it is. That would be like if you saved photos of male coworkers and friends to touch yourself to. I'm sure THEN all the sudden, he would find it weird. If it's any consolation, I know exactly how you feel. I've dated men who liked to look at those "beauty queen" type women. It makes you feel like they settled for you. I've also dated men who don't think they're attractive at all. One said he felt those women were too generic looking, and most of their beauty was artificial anyway. (Those were his exact words). I was in shock to say the least. That was the first time I'd ever heard a man say anything other than how "hot" those women are. It was a breath of fresh air. If his doing this bothers you so much, you may have to cut your losses and move on, as much as it sucks. You may have a good relationship otherwise, but that will always be in the back of your mind. Feeling settled for is one of the worst feelings, and cannot be forgotten so easily. Whether it's true or not doesn't matter. If YOU feel it is, nothing he can possibly say will make you feel better. Even if he offers to get rid of the pictures, there's no guarantee he won't just save more later, and hide them better. You'll also know he only deleted them to make you feel better, and NOT because he wanted to.
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