A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has a daughter with his ex, and usually he got to see his daughter after he finished class like around 9pm. Recently his ex decided that 9pm is too late to come see her (even though on the days she works, she's ok with him watching her until she gets off around 11pm, then he either drops her off or she comes and gets her because she has full legal custody until she turns 3) So he's been really bummed out that he hasn't seen his daughter as much lately. Yesterday he said he had to get up early today around 8 (he has a hard time waking up, so basically i usually have to get him up if he oversleeps) and I asked why and he said to do something for [ex] for mothers day since he can't over the weekend cuz he'll be busy (he's graduating). My tummy did a little turn and I guess I showed discomfort, cuz he hugged me tight and said it's just one day out of the year. Anyway, I haven't asked him what exactly he did for her... but I will tomorrow, because I know it'll just eat me up until I do. The reason I'm not asking tonight ... well:So he was doing his usual moping around about not being able to see his daughter, then around 10pm he got a text and told me all happily that he could see her after all, his ex had texted asking if he wanted to come to a drive-in movie with her and their daughter. Mind, the baby is about a year. I tried reeeally hard to be happy for him, but I am so annoyed. I've no issue with him seeing his daughter, I'm happy about that 100%. I also have no issue with him seeing his ex, I realize she's always going to be a part of his life, and she's not the worst person I've had to put up with. But a movie... why? To me this just seems like a date... and I feel so angry because he never has time to do those sorts of things with me. AND ITS RAINING SO HARD OUTSIDE, how are they even going to see the movie? .... I hate being petty, and have never been anything less than supportive about things btwn him and his child's mother... do you guys think it'd be petty to bring this up? I don't want to overreact out of jealousyHe said he'd come see me in the morning first thing at like 9 ... but I don't really want to see him
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female
reader, angel91  +, writes (10 May 2013):
I can see why you're annoyed - it does seem like a date as opposed to him getting to spend time with his daughter, in an appropriate setting. However, he is also the child's father, and so has that responsibility to do the whole mothersday thing for her mother. When you were younger didn't your dad buy your mother a gift, saying it was from you? Likewise with fathers day? I guess it's kinda like that. Saying that, I don't see why he has to spend the day with them. he could send a card and see his daughter another day.Is it an option for both of you to start seeing the daughter together? after all, if you two are to have a future together, she (and her mother, unfortunately) will take a place in your life.Did you tell your boyfriend how the situation made you feel? you say he hugged you tight, but did you verbally tell him? of course, he will feel his daughter's important, but it's also important to respect your feelings
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (10 May 2013):
 Are you involved with his daughter at all?
I would tell him that him going to the movie with his ex and their daughter isn't really an appropriate setting for him to spend time with his daughter. It seems more like a date.
I have a friend who's ex won't let him go anywhere with his daughters without her because she has to be in control of everything. Is that the way she is?
A park or a playland would be a more appropriate setting for him to see his daughter, not a dark movie with his ex.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (10 May 2013):
 You have a very lovely way of writing a post and should take up writing as a career. I agree whole heartedly with Sugarplum. I wouldn't like any of this but if you make a fuss you will be seen as the bad woman stopping him from seeing his child. The ex is inveigling ways of spending more time with your boyfriend and using the baby to do so. A drive in movie is grown up dating type stuff and a not an appropriate place to spend time with a baby. I would say to him pleasantly that somewhere like that is not the right setting and that you felt uncomfortable with it. See what he says and what he suggests without putting words into his mouth. You need to tread very carefully here because if the ex is waiting in the wings and now has the baby as a way of pulling him back to her you need to think very carefully at each step of the way what you are going to say and how you are going to behave. You need to make sure he doesn't forget why they are not together anymore and if you play properly she is bound to slip up eventually assuming the break up was her fault. At the moment I would play along and not say anything nasty but make it clear that a movie is not acceptable to you nor are cosy threesomes late in the evening.
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A
female
reader, myboyfriendsacnt +, writes (10 May 2013):
This is a tough one... I know I would feel exactly the same as you...call it immature or call it insensitive but it's human nature & your feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. You have 2 options here:
1) you can keep it to yourself but I have no doubt that your truth & anger will come out the next time you have a row...& then it will seem far worse as though you have been stewing on it.
2) you could ask him to call you as soon as he's home, that way you know no hanky lanky is going on... and explain in a casual way that was weird.. She may b the mother of his child but she is also an ex... Yes he should do anything he can related to the child but I'm guessing they didn't
go watch a barny movie? This situation s just not ok as the child is 1.
My bf & i have been together 1 year. He has a 6 year old daughter & sees her every Saturday. I have never met her & feel like it's not an option for me any time soon as he keeps that part of his life so private. His relationship with the mother is a real struggle for me, I knew my boyfriend
for 2 years before we dated & in those 2 years he had walked out on the mother of his child & was seeing someone else.. In this time I know that he got the mother pregnant again although she had an abortion... This makes me angry still & I struggle with the fact he sees her every Saturday. He tries to assure me nothings going on so all i can do is believe him... So - I hear ya!!!
Nip it in the bud now though... Drop him a text & ask for that call when he's done!
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (10 May 2013):
 Hi, I really dont blame u, it looks like the ex is using the child as a means to spend more time with your BF and sounds to me its working as your BF is desperate to see his child. Which you can hardly blame him.
As much as you hate it you need to be supportive as you will look like the bad woman that is keeping him away from his kid.
Generally men that have a challenge having access to kids from a previous relationship start another family with the new spouse/GF.
Has this not been discussed, it will also give you comfort that he sees a future and planning a family with you?
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (10 May 2013):
I can see why you're pissed, its not like they are going to the playground or park with the child or even taking her to pick out a toy from the store. I think he is out of order and why are they going in the evening to the cinema anyway??
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