A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My BF if self-employed and his business is booming. He's also very ambitious. He tells me a lot about his work and the other day was talking about a client of his whose wife 'cleaned up' when they got divorced. He's also got a friend who recently split from his wife and lost much property and finances in the divorce. So we were talking the other night and I asked him if he believes in prenup agreements...to which he said 'definitely...you don't know what could happen.'I understand where he's coming from, especially being well off at a young age, but this still bothers me. We haven't been together for long to even consider marriage (6 months only) but the fact that he'd want me to sign something like that makes me think that the marriage wouldn't really be a partnership. He's attentive, caring, and respectful but when he talked about prenups it made him seem selfish and cold.Even thought it's logical that he'd want to protect himself, I still feel strange about something like this.What do you think of prenups?
View related questions:
ambition, divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for their input, it's great to get so many opinions.
To the anonymous male (last comment) I appreciate the real life example you gave. I like the way you planned your prenup (whatever you bring in you keep, whatever you accumulate together you split).
To be honest, if I was better off and had worked hard for what I've got I would perhaps be thinking the way my BF is. He's been working for a while now and deserves what he's got, while I've just come out of law school so I have still to get going.
Thanks so much guys!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): Well to be honest I think that they are a good idea, they show that either partner isn't in it for the money or for other materialistic reasons. Ciao x
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): I was in similar position as your boyfriend when I married my wife. Being 8 years older than her I had climbed the career ladder and was earning a very respectable income (100,000+) whilst she was just a poor student.
I thought long and hard about the prenup, I had a house and considerable savings while she pretty much had nothing. In the end I asked her what she thought about it. She said that she understood my situation and that she didn't want me to worry about it, if I wanted a prenup then we'd have one.
Just the fact that she understood where I was coming from put me to ease and we never did get a prenup. Just as well as she's actually earning more then me these days!!
Anyway, a prenup doesn't have to be an all or nothing deal. I spoke to my now wife and a lawyer to find out about the alternatives, basically it can be whatever you want it to be. In our situation I was considering the following:
Whatever you bring into the marriage you keep going out. For me that meant my house and savings. However, anything that is earned during the course of the marriage is divided equally.
I think it will also depend on the earning ratio. My wife was never going to be a stay at home mum or work a low paying job, when I met her she was studying towards a degree in corporate finance so she was always going to earn good money for herself - I think that made it easier as well
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 March 2010):
 It is not about being selfish or cold ,it is about buying insurance just incase it does not work out.
It is about being a realist and being prudent.
Nobody knows what will happen some where down the road in a few years time.
If you marry for love ,then you have nothing to worry about prenups agreements.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): In the USA more than half of all marriages end in divorce. In the climate here a prenup is just good common sense. Particularly for anyone who already has decent assets going into the marriage.
...............................
A
male
reader, HarryFlashman  +, writes (1 March 2010):
I would have mixed feelings. Sure, I can see why he might feel he needs to protect himself. At the same time, I'd worry that prenuptial agreements reduce the incentive to make the marriage work out, and bespeak a certain unwillingness to commit.
Basically, if he isn't willing to commit all the way, why get married at all.
He may be a great guy, but I'd have qualms about seeing my daughter marry him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (1 March 2010):
 He may not be protecting himself, but protecting his business. If he has to give his wife half his money and support her till the kids grow up (18years), there is no spare money to put back into the business and he will have a big cash flow problem. A man who is ambitious and intends to grow a business, will be irresponsible if he dosen't even think about protecting the wages of his employees.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (1 March 2010):
The laws of the country are sometimes bias towards men. After the divorce, irregardless if the men were at fault or not,the women gets the house , the kids and 50% of his cash and assets.
There is now a rise of the "Gold diggers." We can read the story of those famous actors or singers who had to part millions when they were divorced.
Famous names like Britney Spears,Brad Pitt,Avril Lavigne,Paul McCartney etc.
Rich men and women are wiser now and a prenuptial is a must to protect their interest. It is fairer to them because if s/he comes with nothing , s/he will leave with just enough for her/him to live on .
For those interested:-
http://laura1318.wordpress.com/2008/06/13/the-rise-of-the-gold-digger/
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 March 2010):
 Dear OP,
Your post is very interesting. You talk about how you feel after and during this conversation. You said that talking about the prenuptial made you feel less a partner. It is natural for you to want to be his partner in every way. The best marriages are made of equal partners. You said that he feels cold and distant when he talks about money or business. He is separating that part of his life from his relationship with you. This is good and bad. The good side is that when he leaves the shop he can leave it behind. Many men can't do this and their relationships and families suffer for it. The bad part is that he is shutting you out of a part of his life. Every man has a relationship with his work. If you feel shut out of it you will feel jealous of it. Which is self destructive for you because you want him to be happy in his work and bring home good profits.
The prenuptial doesn't necessarily mean you are shout out of his business life. The cold and selfish feeling you are getting from him is what leads me to that worry. A prenuptial agreement is like any other contract. It is there to protect both parties. Like a marriage contract it helps to define your relationship and should help to bring you together. When you finally sign one, after it is approved by your lawyer as well as his, you should be feeling I am signing this because I trust you and you trust me.
I disagree that 6 months is too soon to think about this. Better to think about these things before engagement. Now you can think about more calmly with less at risk.
Personally, I don't have a prenuptial, both of us had nothing when we got married. There was little to protect. I am now mature enough in my feelings for her that I would have trouble holding back my things from her.
FA
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjanniepeg, your answer is great, it's made me think a little differently I suppose. Thanks :)
Gridrebel, you're right...it just made me think of us and that's why I got all defensive. But it was him who brought it up...although in the context of talking about his friends, so perhaps I jumped the gun!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I didn't make myself clear. He started talking about his friends who got financially burned during their divorces and he said that they should have had prenups...to which I asked him what he thinks of prenups.
CaringGuy gives some good advice when he says "You need to think carefully about what this means to you"
Thanks for the opinions :)
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 March 2010):
 Luckily, I am not a woman would fight for money after a relationship ends. I don't get vindictive and I believe in being fair. But if someone asks me to sign I would, just to prove that I have no problems with him getting the money he's worth. He sounds like he got a lot of cautionary tales from his friends. If your relationship does work out with him to the end then the prenup needs not to be mentioned ever again. Nothing is a guarantee, the prenup gives him a sense of security. I think it could make him want to spend more freely to you. You are right, he could have delivered that message in a more thoughtful way, instead of making you feel like you could be one of those women who "cleaned up." I have male friends who had gone through painful divorces, the wife cheated but took half of the money. He felt stabbed in the heart and could never open himself to love again. Of course there are good hearted ladies but signing a prenup is wise since it eliminates the possibility of stuff like that happening.
...............................
A
female
reader, Gridrebel +, writes (1 March 2010):
 What are YOU thinking??? He didn''t bring it up, nor suggested it in your situation. What is wrong with protecting ones self anyway.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 March 2010):
I think we sadly live in a world where there are so many people after making a quick buck, and so many people who use each other, prenups are becoming more and more important. It's a kick in the teeth for anyone who has to sign one, but at the same time they are becoming more and more necessary. There have been cases recently where marriages have broken down and prenups have been useful. It applies to both men and women. If you feel that this is something you can't deal with, then you need to get over this guy now. If you can deal with it, then by all means go for it. You need to think carefully about what this means to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, everlastinglove +, writes (1 March 2010):
from what ive heard is that prenups can be good and bad. ive heard that most people dont sign them because it looks like a sign of untrustworty if you know what i mean. I tottaly understand where hes comming from though, hes afraid and wants to make sure that if it doesnt work out then if doesnt go down for him. Its just really up to you and why you think he wants you to sign it. You could always just tell him you dont want to sign it till it becomes necessary like if you become engaged or something good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): I would ask for a prenup under the circumstances. But you said that you brought it up; not him. Weren't you thinking long term?
...............................
|
