A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cubid,The other day my bf of 2 years and i were video chating and i was wearing a tank top without a bra so he made a comment saying " ur boobs need serious help why doesn't the fat from ur stomach go up to ur boobs , just rotate the fat" i was shocked when he said that and i want told himthat he said he was joking so I replied with its not a very nice joke so he said oh its ok for u to joke about ur boobs but its not ok for me , yes i do have small boobs and i joke about em sometimes but he didnt just makeFun of my boobs he commented about my stomach as well as if hes saying i have alot of fat in that area , which i dont i just get bloated occasionally because i have digestion problems and he knows it , what should i do?
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (6 April 2018):
‘Are you upset because you believe someone thinks you are fat, or are you upset because you don't like your own body?’
Neither, I’d be annoyed because the person I love thinks it’s ok to deliberately pick out my so-called flaws and tell me they ‘need serious work’, then dismiss his behaviour as a joke. There is nothing nice or jokey about the comment the OP’s boyfriend made. A joke would be saying something like ‘alright short stuff’ to someone who has a complex about their height. Not saying ‘this part of you needs a lot of work, you’d be much better if you did x’. That is a criticism, plain and simple.
So this isn’t about someone with insecurities overreacting to a harmless comment. This is a boyfriend who thinks he has the right to tell his gf that her body isn’t up to his high standards. And that’s not on regardless of how he tries to spin it afterwards.
The real fear for me is that comments like that stick, and if the OP stays with this man, it’ll always be in the back of her mind that he’s judging her body negatively. I’ve been there and it’s not nice at all. There are many other men out there that would never dream of saying such a thing, so my advice would still be to dump this guy and find one of them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2018): Who cares if she’s insecure about her body. Everyone has some insecurity. But you shouldn’t be with a partner who reinforces insecurities or who isn’t mindful of your personal insecurities. That’s about being able to feel safe with your partner.
Her partner shouldn’t be saying things even jokingly about whatever topics are considered taboo that is personal to the two of them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2018): Whether she likes her body or not a man can always show respect !
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 April 2018):
 To all of the people who are upset about my advice: I'm going to repeat the main point.
Are you upset because you believe someone thinks you are fat, or are you upset because you don't like your own body?
Because if I'm right and she dumps him. She will still be living with the person who hates her body. The next Guy will also never be able to show enough "respect" to cover this.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (3 April 2018):
 You know what actually, I just reread your post. "your boobs need serious help" Who is he to say what you NEED to do?? "should" "need" are all words to be avoided as they put unnecessary pressure on the individual, whoever says them. You don't persecute the one you love.
Dump him, he's a nasty C**t
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (3 April 2018):
It's not about him making a joke, there's no humour involved here and he knows it. He said it out of disrespect- saying that it's a joke is just a way of covering up the nastiness of his comment.
He said it as a sly hint to let you know he wants you to CHANGE your body. As in he's not happy with it. Well newsflash everyone has different looks and shapes and sizes and if he WISHES you were some sort of 10/10 model then he can go out and get that! But he probably can't and most of us AREN'T ten out of tens.
As far as the big stomach goes, if it's a LOT of excess fat, then maybe it's an idea to start living healthier- just for YOU to feel better about yourself and for your health- not for HIM or any other man. Exercise will improve your mood and if you have a body you genuinely don't like, it will make you feel more confident with yourself.
For me a comment like that would disgust me, as it's just shallow and cruel. People that truly LOVE each other aren't nasty about their beaus imperfections, and rarely notice.
It's your call if you want to give him another chance.. but if you do make sure you lay down the law that you will NEVER AGAIN tolerate nasty cruel comments. I wouldn't want him anywhere near me tbh.
I also think that weight= happiness. You see these larger couples together for 30 40 odd years or their whole lives. Or the woman that married that man with the burnt face. True love is blind.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (3 April 2018):
 Honestly, a penis joke would have done this situation justice. It's easy for men to say "it's just a joke" but even with myself for instance, I don't like anyone putting down ANYONE's appearance for that matter, including my own. Whether it's said in jest or not because remember; there is often truth spoken in jest... this is a classic case of that. He meant every word he said. The thing about stuff like this is if you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all. I think this guys skipped that little lesson as a child because honestly why should we start questioning the level of OP's self esteem as opposed to questioning his rude and crude nature? Especially after two years with this guy you'd think he'd know that his SO isn't down for being ridiculed... my gosh. He was rude and it was wrong. End of story. Let's not start psychoanalyzing OP because of what this douche-bag said... come on now.
This is sad. I'm a very straight-forward person myself so I would've addressed that statement in the moment, to be quite honest with you. I would've let him know that it's unacceptable and that if he were to ever say something like that to me, ever again, I'd find myself a guy who wouldn't think I needed to rotate fat or whatever the hell he said...rude... just rude.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2018): Seems to be a lot of men on here saying women should just laugh it off and learn to live with their insecurities . I guess that's pretty easy for them to say considering we live in a world where it is women's bodies that are always scrutinised and splashed all over the place and men get to sit back and be the viewers , judges and jury
Men really have no idea what it's like to be a woman in this world and just how much we are judged on our bodies and appearance . It's not so simply as telling a woman to be confident .the very least a woman should be able to expect is that her partner of all people understands this and is her biggest fan not just another person undermining her and trying to wage the constant war that is trying to tell women they are never enough from the minute they are born
Op I think this guy obviously just doesn't get it and he clearly isn't your biggest fan let alone even a support or someone who wants to be there for you . I guess the only question left for you is whether this is the type of person and energy you need in your life
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A
male
reader, Perspective Options +, writes (3 April 2018):
It seems to me he either didn't know that would be a hurtful thing to say, or he didn't care.
If he didn't know, I'd be worried about why he isn't better aware of your specific insecurities after two years. It's not a problem that you have bits of your body you're insecure about, we all do. It really doesn't take a genius that if we make a joke about our own insecurities it's a way of dealing with them, but if someone else does it's going to really land. Really hurt.
If he didn't care, I'd be worried about why he feels ok hurting you.
Sometimes people say things in a jokey way, but things they actually sort of mean. Like a 40% joke. I heard it described as Schrodinger's Troll, they are both joking and not joking until someone takes offence, at which point they're just joking. If he really does have a problem with your body and thinks you should change it, this might be his (childish, and pretty mean) way of bringing it up.
What do you do? If it were me I'd ask:
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If you knew I was insecure about my boobs and my tummy, why did you make a joke knowing it would hurt me? If you didn't know I was insecure, do you actually have a problem with the way I look?
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It might sound like you're being too serious about just responding to him being mean when you could just tell him to shut up or slag him off back, but if you want to keep the relationship, you deserve to be with someone who cares about whether or not they're hurting you, and to be with someone who is up front about how they feel about you.
Not to mention that you deserve to be with someone who's physically attracted to you.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (3 April 2018):
To the blokes on here saying we should learn to laugh at our imperfections rather than expecting our partners to keep silent about them, imagine if your partner made a ‘joke’ about your unsatisfactory penis size and justified it by saying ‘well you’ve said it’s small so why can’t I?’ Would you be as able to brush that off as you’re suggesting we should be?
In my view, it’s not an ego thing to want your partner to be respectful of your imperfections, particularly around the sensitive areas like breast and penis size. It’s showing love and consideration to the person you are supposed to care most about. Anything less than that is a deal breaker as far as I’m concerned.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (3 April 2018):
As someone who was in a relationship with a man that sapped all of my confidence during the 6 years I was with him, I’d recommend you leave now. I put up with the ‘jokes’ and insults for way too long, and he always found a way to make me believe I was overreacting or being too sensitive. So I let it go and let it go, and it slowly chipped away at my self esteem until I truly believed I was lucky he put up with me at all.
It was only when I got upset one day and told my Mum how much I hated myself that she made me realise it wasn’t normal. And all this ‘no one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them’ is bull too. That might apply to a one off insult or nasty comment, but underestimates the effects of being systematically put down in a way that’s just subtle enough to avoid being labelled abuse over a long period of time.
Seriously, this is not a self esteem thing. I used to have a lot of confidence - hell I was a model in my late teens and early 20s - but it was slowly eroded by my ex’s hurtful words and treatment of me.
So my advice to you is to run away as fast as you can. Your instincts have already told you this treatment isn’t on, so trust them. If I’d ignored the people telling me to lighten up or that it was no big deal, then I wouldn’t have ended up in the mess I did.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2018): Fatherly Advice perhaps you're confident in yourself and a nasty jab at your appearance wouldn't bother you but this wasn't a joke. This was a horrible thing for him to say and there's nothing remotely light or "jokey" about it. It can destroy someone's confidence if they're working on building it up.
Bombing a joke is when you can see how it was supposed to be funny. I doubt anyone can tell us how this was supposed to be funny?
It was just nasty. If he thinks it's okay to say something like that he doesn't respect you or your body.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (3 April 2018):
 So he made a joke about your tiny breasts and bloated stomach, big deal? You should've just told him his penis was small and that you're leaving him for his brother then have a good laugh and get over it.
I'll admit, the joke did sound a tad bit harsh with boobs and stomach fat all in one swing, but, I believe this displays more insecurity on your part. If you didn't care about the opinions of others you wouldn't be here. You even admitted that your breast were tiny so he treated you the way you treated yourself, as a punching bag for body shaming jokes. He told you himself.
The truth hurts. But in order to avoid the many frustrations and imperfections of reality we live in you prefer to be shrouded in fantasy, lies or silence just to help keep your ego intact. I think you're upset because you think it's true but you refuse to face it in a healthy manner. It like saying "Yes, I have small breast but I don't want to accept them because guys don't like small breast and girls will make fun of me..." so you ignore the reality of it and it shows.
You must learn to accept yourself for who you are, if you're unable to do that then you need to implement change in your life. If at 22-25 you're unable to accept that you have small breasts and a bloated stomach from time to time then when will you? Men tend to loose interest in women who lack confidence in themselves, it's a turn off.
How about "Yes I have small breast, so I don't ever have to worrry about back pain like other girls. Guys still want me. They make me look younger, bras are so easy to find and jogging is a breeze and I probably never have to worry about getting breast cancer" or "Yes, my stomach bloats sometimes but I have digestive problems so I can't do much about it. But I can change some of the foods I eat to avoid it from happening too often, maybe even take some supplements..."
Learn to laugh at your imperfections and you'll learn that no one can make you look down on yourself because you've already validated who you are. That starts with how you think and speak about yourself.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2018): I would dump him immediately. Some jokes are well intended but end up sounding bad. This one never had any intention of being a joke. There is no way he didn't understand how cruel that was before and while he said it. It was perfectly intentional. We all understand if a punchline doesn't go as planned- but this is not what this was. He has no respect for you and gets a kick out of putting you down. Next time I would say wow you could use some of your fat on your skinny, ugly penis make it a little more satisfying. Oh I was just joiking.
No, in my books you do not get to disguise a disgustingly cruel and pointed remark by saying its just a joke and get away with it.
For me personally I would know the relationship was over the moment a man said that to me. I would not want to end up in a partnership for life with someone like that.
BTW I have small breasts as well and I expect respect from my boyfriends. Of course its okay if you joke about your own body, that is totally different and he knows this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2018): Before you decide to kick him to the curb; sit him down and lay-down a few rules about respect and joking.
Your body is off-limits; because that's getting too personal. Yes, you can joke about them yourself; but if he does, it hurts your feelings. Just don't go there!
Tell lover-boy he gets but one more time to do that. Mean it when you say that!
Always take care of your bloating. If you have digestive problems that create serious bloating; you have to see your doctor about it. You bloat with your periods and what-not; and he's pretty much of aware of that.
If he has a pattern of putting you down. Don't put-up with it until the next time. Don't wait until he does permanent damage to your self-esteem and body-image. Don't write posts to complain about lousy boyfriends you intend to hang-on to no matter what. It's entirely up to you how much cruelty you will allow, and where to draw the line.
BTW, stop putting yourself down if it's a sensitivity. You're drawing unnecessary attention to your soft-spots. A jokester is always looking for an opening! I didn't find anything funny about his joke. It was hurtful!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2018): That was a real crappy joke, if that's what it really was. Has he made "jokes" like that before? Does he ever compliment you? Those are questions you should ask before you make a final decision. However, I doubt you will ever forget that comment. It'll stick with you for a long time. I'm pretty certain you would never do that to him and if you did, he certainly wouldn't like it. In our position I'd likely dump him.
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A
female
reader, Anezka89 +, writes (2 April 2018):
That was mean. Just talk to him about it, and tell him that was insensitive and it hurt you. And stop poking fun of your insecurities in front of him. It makes him feel it's ok to joke too since you seem to be so casual about it. So don't. However, if he keeps making jokes or remarks then dump him cause then he is just psychologically abusing you, and that's not normal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2018): Don't agree with FA.
Never allow any man to put you down, disrespect you or make you feel bad about yourself.
A boyfriend of 2 years should know better!!!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 April 2018):
2 years. Well I wouldn't toss the relationship over this. Unless you are looking for an excuse. You are going to have to think about the overall state of the relationship. If, for example, you like boys who make you laugh, and he bombs a joke, but otherwise you enjoy your time with him. then one flat joke is excusable. If on the other hand it is a LDR and you are frustrated that after 2 years, he is making no commitments, and still doesn't seem to get you, then it's time to find a more satisfying relationship.
Another question you need to think about is are you upset because you believe he thinks you are fat, or are you upset because you don't like your own breasts.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 April 2018):
 Dump him. He was just cruel - nothing funny about it.
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