A
female
age
36-40,
*istrella
writes:So my boyfriend proposed to me the other day. All was going well until he started searching for an engagement ring. We were talking on the phone and he said "Here's one I think you'll like" and sent me a picture of the ugliest ring I'd ever seen. Now, I know there's no accounting for taste but this looked hideous and cheap. I don't just mean cheap but cheap as in fake and used. It was also nothing like what we'd discussed previously. In the past I'd told him that I didn't want a colored stone nor a diamond (I prefer moissanite) and preferred silver. This ring was gold with a blue stone. I say stone because that's what it was. Casually, I asked him what site he was looking on. It was Cash Converters. Need I say more. He was actually considering getting me a second hand (and synthetic!) engagement ring. Not only was it nothing like I'd wanted but he couldn't even at least be looking at something new. (Is that really too much to ask for?) The price is irrelevant, I'm just so offended and hurt that he would consider something like that. It's not like he could not afford a nice ring, either. Financially he's comfortable. I cannot believe he even clicked on the site. I asked another male friend of mine who earns MUCH less whether he would consider going there and his answer? "God, no." Frankly, most guys I know would want to find the most meaningful or nicest ring they could for the woman they loved. Now, we've since had our arguments and I've personally had a good laugh about this but when I really think of it I still feel bothered by it. He apologised and said that he didn't realise it was second hand. He knows they sell second hand goods but he thought the rings were new. He wasn't thinking. He says he knew what I wanted and was going to buy it but thought he could search to find something cheaper. Aside from whether I believe him or not - he refuses to sway from his "story" (as he put it)- I just feel like I'm not worth it to him. He's bought me a necklace in that past which was nicer than the ring; the necklace itself took me completely by surprise as he's very tight with his money unless it involves him. Like he'll pay for dinners/movie tickets because he's also benefiting from it. I just feel like this signifies how he really considers me...which isn't much. Trust me, I've completely chewed him out over it but I've since lost all interest in ring shopping, let alone getting married to him. Something which was supposed to be exciting and fun turned out to be completely hurtful and insulting. So the question I'm asking is whether I should stay in the relationship or not? I know we all have our flaws and in this case it's his lack of generosity/consideration (I would even be overjoyed with a $1 ring he'd carved himself because it would've taken more effort/meant something more than "I was trying to save money") but I don't know it's something I can deal with. I mean there's a time to be frugal but there's a time to be big-hearted...
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (22 September 2011):
 If he is cheap, I say run for the hills. Only cheap people can truly live happily together. If you're generous and he is cheap, you will always resent him for it. You will always envy women with generous partners while casting your critical, negative eye on your partner.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (22 September 2011):
 I do not think this is about money-you would be happy with a handcarved ring!
I would guess you are bothered because it seems the man you want to marry appears to not have listened to your preferences. He did not match the ring to the girl, which might make you nervous to think "Does this guy really know me?"
This is why I always advise engaged couples the following.
The guy has a nice little discussion with the jewelry store clerk about his budget. He picks out a few rings. She makes the final choice. Works like a charm!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (22 September 2011):
 he is probably comfortably off because he is thrifty and likes a bargain. men don't tend to have very good taste with jewellery anyway, jewellery is a very personal thing to buy for someone else, especially an engagement ring which hopefully you will wear every day for the rest of your life. its got to be RIGHT for you and that's why i think that buying it should be a joint effort. if a man surprises you with an engagement ring, yes its very romantic but the trade off is that you could well end up with something very ugly on your finger.
i would advise you to just hold off on the engagement for a little while until you get over your annoyance. he must be a good guy really or else you would not have contemplated marrying him in the first place. chill out, forgive his mistake, when the time is right go ring shopping together
x
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A
female
reader, surprisedbylove +, writes (21 September 2011):
It's hard to tell what exactly is troubling you here. You say that his lack of generosity/consideration is a flaw of his, and I'm not sure how serious you were about that statement or how global a characteristic of his this is.If you didn't really mean that and it's really just the ring bothering you, then I'd look inside and see if maybe cold feet might be latching onto this incident, trying to persuade you to put on the brakes out of fear.If however you really do believe that he has a lack of generosity/consideration as a global personality trait - as in, he doesn't really think of you or want to give to you thoughtfully in general - well, I'd look at that. I'm not really that into possessions for the most part, and I've chosen a relationship with a man who doesn't really have much cash or income to speak of. He knows I don't really want anything material from him, but he absolutely loves sharing what he has with me and getting things for me that I wouldn't think to do for myself. He gave me a custom-made musical instrument because the one I was playing before was cheap and didn't have a very good tone; he wanted me to have something I would enjoy playing more, and he knew that on my budget I would probably never buy such a thing for myself. He bought me a beautiful exotic shirt in my absolute favorite color because he knows I usually just walk around in faded rock t-shirts and he wanted me to have the option to dress in something eye-catching that I would enjoy wearing. He sent me jewelery to go with the shirt, just in case I might enjoy that. Now he got me these fabulous high-fashion boots. Why? Because again, left to my own devices I have a pair of sandals, a pair of walking shoes, and a pair of hiking boots - I don't treat myself to much. Frankly I've had a pretty hard life for a long time and feeling beautiful or attractive hasn't really been on my mind in quite a few years...really, I haven't wanted anybody to look at me. He's telling me, in his own way, "it's okay to be seen and admired and feel beautiful and loved."Frankly, if you want a fancy expensive ring because you want someone to give you material things, it sounds as though you have the wrong guy, and frankly, unhealthy priorities that will hurt you in the end - life isn't about "stuff," and the sooner you see that and address it, the better.If however this triggered other underlying issues, like him not listening to you, not making you feel loved or special in his eyes, then I'd hold off on marriage until you're more clear on whether or not this man can give you the love and attention you need.Another question: we don't stay young forever. I pray that you will be healthy and strong for a very long life, but what do you imagine would happen if you became seriously ill or injured? Can you imagine him helping you recover, or even helping you cope with a chronic condition, doing it from a place of real love and devotion toward you? If not...well frankly I wouldn't marry him. We need someone with generosity of the heart to help us through this life; someone who realizes that love is an action and a daily choice.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 September 2011):
 So very glad I read the posts before I answered.
I happen to agree with EVERYONE.
Chigirl and Cindy especially (as usual)
maybe the fact that the OP is willing to break up over this means she's looking for an out???
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Is the ring really so important? My parents have been happily married for 38 years: no ring. My boyfriend's parents have been happily married for 35 years: no ring. Same with my brother's girlfriend's parents: happily married until the father died last year, no ring. I could go on and on, as there has never been a divorce in my entire extended family and there has never been an engagement or wedding ring either. I'm not saying no ring is the answer to everlasting marital bliss, but it certainly is not needed or important. Then again you see many couples blow the equivalent of a down payment on a house on the engagement ring and wedding and then they get divorced 5 years later, and you think maybe rings are not ever worth it at all! The tradition of engagement rings is a silly invention of De Beer's in the 1940s as part of their advertising campaign. It's just to get you to buy jewelry. It has no meaning or real significance, either in history or in the ritual of marriage. It's just a trinket most people are pressured into buying.Don't focus on the ring; focus on making your marriage wonderful!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Hmm. Well, I wouldn't consider dinner/movie tickets to be indicative of the fact that he's cheap unless it pertains to him. He doesn't drive fancy cars and wear designer clothing. He also bought you a nice necklace as well.
I know that most girls' fairy tale is the sparkly ring that can be shown off. Personally, I'm a lot more practical. I'd look at his frugality as a big plus in a relationship. I consider a proposal in itself to be of great value. Eventually, you two will join all that you have in marriage.
As far as the engagement ring goes, some people can only afford a less expensive ring. Trust me -- moissanite *IS* expensive. Not diamond expensive, but up there anyways. I had a friend who sold it...moissanite rings for $800-$1000? Geeze.
You say that most men would go get the nicest ring they could. While this is very noble, and I wouldn't fault any guy for doing that, I personally would rather my beloved not get into debt. If he's got limited means, I'd appreciate anything he could do and would admire his willingness not to put himself in debt to get it.
He's not being cheap with you. He buys you gifts and takes you out. If he really did skimp on you unless he benefited, why the necklace??
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Maybe Cindy is right. But in that case, the poster lacks self insight when she can not tell us that the man she claims to love is not someone she loved after all, and that she is tired of trying to make him something he isn't. I don't get it. She knew how he was with money when he proposed, then suddenly he's supposed to change attitude? He hasn't change personality, he's the same bloody man, and if she loved him enough to accept the proposal then I hope she actually thought it through and was willing to accept him as a man.
The man also asked her if she liked it, he didn't just go and buy it. He asked her. So she had the option to say "no thanks, continue looking". He wasn't forcing something she didn't want on her.
If you have self insight poster, please make up your mind on what the actual problem is here. Is it the ring, or is it the man as a whole (in which case, why did you accept the proposal in the first place?).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): I think your real issue is that you find him cheap. Because sometimes men do make absent minded mistakes cause they truly actually don't know. But in this case, it seems like you have a lot of reason to feel that he is cheap and that cheapness was his intention when it came to looking for a ring for you. I agree with you 100%. That is not an attractive quality at all. You should feel like you are extremely special and that his effort is worth your time. I mean a woman wants to feel like a guy would try to do everything in his power to win you over and impress you. You want him to want the best for you. And obviously he has done things that make you feel slighted.I don't know girl. That's who he is. Maybe you should take your time before taking the plunge and really think about what you want and if you can handle this for the long run. You only get one life. So be wise and live it the way you want it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Today I am in my devil's advocate mood....
I think , at least I hope, that the OP is not mad because she could not put her little greedy materialistic paws over a big pricy flashy jewel- and I think - I hope- she does not measure love by the karat.
I think she got disillusioned with the whole ring buying enterprise because the way it has been conducted underlines things that she already knew or suspected about him :
- he's self involved and does not listen to her
- he's cheap.
She did not ask for something expensive or hard to find. Moissanite is a synthetic stone that resembles a diamond.
Very sparkly, white or greyish white. So , she expressed a preference for moissanite and silver = white and gray colours. And he comes up with yellow (gold ) and blue .
It's like : hello ? did you even listen what I like ? Does it MATTER what I like ? If you want to chose by yourself, that 's acceptable too, but then why do even asking before .
If this is the first time something like this happens , then I'd say the OP is overreacting and creating drama... but I get the feeling it's not the first time that he shows he puts his interest and convenience first.
Plus, again, moissanite is not that expensive , I am not sure about the current prices for the type of ring the OP wants, but once I saw one on line around 300 euros . I mean, come on, the guy is financially comfortable, does he need so badly to save maybe 50 bucks... on his engagement ring ?
I may be wrong, but I feel that basically the OP is uncomfortable with the kind of personality her fiance? ( or ex fiance?) has - the ring was the tip of the iceberg. A symbol. Not of future committment but of what 's not working in the relationship.
If I am even remotely right, OP, don't marry him, let him go. Basically people never change, don't expect he becomes another type of man after marriage.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (21 September 2011):
Luckily when my OH proposed he took me shopping and we chose a ring "together." Luckily the one I liked, he liked too, so we were all happy. I was pleased that he liked my choice, but I was also delighted that I was with him when we made a choice. I know for a fact that the two of us have different tastes in these things; this does not mean that he doesn't put thought into choosing things- he really does spend a lot of time- however, sometimes he just doesn't pick up on my tastes.
I sort of feel that this is what has happened with your ring. You have told him the sort of thing you want- despite the fact that you have been quite clear, or perhaps prescriptive is a better description- I think he has been well intentioned, and tried to choose something which he thinks you would like, even though in your mind it is nothing of the sort. I just think his idea of what he reckons you would like- despite what you have said- went off the radar a bit.
I would also say, I quite like the idea of second hand things as well, so can't really identify with your problem with that. I don't see the big deal between getting something used or not, and I personally would rather have the money saved for something else if we were getting the same item for less money. After all, it's only a ring; I say that because what's important is what it SYMBOLISES, not what it costs.
I do, however share your problem with the synthetic stone. I would much rather have the real thing, or not at all. But, again, this could just be your bf not really thinking. For him there is probably no difference. Of course you know better. This is what you need to explain to him, kindly.
This has obviously turned into a big issue for you; I have to ask, is this the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak? You say that he is constantly tight with his money. If this is the case then I can empathise a bit more with what you are saying, because this is a special piece of jewellery, after all. However, it is just a piece of jewellery at the end of the day.
The question is, are his financial habits enough to put you off marrying him? Or is it really just about the ring?
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Well done, "chigirl" - brilliant as usual!
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Oh dear lady - priorities all so very very wrong.My ex proposed it was the most beautiful, expensive ring ever which I loved, but what did it mean - nothing! He prefered pizza the night of our engagement, two months later I realised what an idiot I had been. He used the ring constantly as an excuse for me to lose weight but hexwas a controlling nightmare.A friend of mine proposed, he brought the ring, he adored that girl, he planned everything to the last moment her response - yes but that's ring ugly... He left her. Good for him I say (although not at the time)He went on to meet a lovely girl, I helped him chose the ring as he was so petrified my words to himIf she loves you as much as I think she does, she won't care if it's a haribo ring (we laughed maybe not a haribo ring) - she will just love the fact you thought about everything in such detail and you went to get the ring with her in mind!!She was asked, cried apparently and hugged him to death - now that's how a future together should start.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 September 2011):
What? I thought at first I's just be having a go at it and tell you how a ring is a ring and not equivalent to how he feels about it, but now you go ahead and wonder if you should even stay in this relationship? You're not a loving partner to him then, are you? It's a stupid ring for heavens sake, and he messed up and didn't look for the exact same thing you envisioned. Good grief, once you are married half his money will be yours anyway and you can vote to spend it on nice jewelry as much as you please.
Now, you are telling me, that a RING is more important to you than HIM and MARRIAGE? Is that so?
An adult person would do what you said you initially did, have a talk about it, laugh about it, and set it straight. But then it changes. Because while an adult will let it go and move on with things, you stopped in your tracks! You're stuck at feeling hurt and offended, despite the apology and despite his efforts, and now you are so vindictive that you want to end the entire relationship. And for what? Because you think he doesn't care for you. Because... him proposing to you matters nothing when he didn't have the perfect ring.
So I guess, the perfect man to you is someone who doesn't treat you right, doesn't propose, but gives you nice jewelry. Way to put your priorities straight.
Now, I've given you a straight up kick in the buttocks. But you also deserve to hear some words of compassion. Money does not equal love. Jewelry does not equal love. Sounds simple, but maybe you haven't realized you've made his being smart about money into equalling love for you. They are not related. His being smart about money, and wanting to save up for other things, is perfectly ok. It's not about his love for you. The man who loves the most isn't the man who spends the most. You said you'd be happy as long as he put in effort, but you do not see that he DID put in effort. Not at carving the ring himself, but he didn't get you the first and best thing either, and he didn't tell you to find your own ring either. He went out in search of a ring you'd both be ok with, him price-wise, and you looks-wise.
What if he gave you a million dollar chunk of a rock so ugly you've never seen worse? Would you wear it, as a statement that THIS is how much he loves you? No? Didn't think so. You want something that looks nice. He wants something he feels financially good about. I do not see why those two should be opposites, or anything to get offended by.
Do you not love him? Is it truly all about the ring? Did you accept the proposal because of the ring? Are you that shallow? Please say no.
And get to work on finding a ring that suits both him and you. You will be happy about his financial priorities when you are married with children and he spends money on things you actually NEED and not on something flashy with zero functionality.
I also don't understand how you can bite his head off about the ring and call it a lack of generosity when he happily pays for meals out and movies and got you an expensive necklace. He sounds like he's very generous. May I ask how much money YOU spend on HIM, since you feel so justified in this?
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