A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Bf of 3 years and I planned at trip with my mother. My mother lives overseas and while I was doing the application process to be able to bring her to America we planned to make a trip the 3 of us to welcome her. It was 6 months ago. The time arrived and my mom finally is here. Last week when she arrived and I was looking online the vacation package I told him I need you to ask for your days off because we are doing the trip soon. Since he and I knew that my mom will stay here only for 2 months ,we need to prepare everything and leave as soon is possible. Well, he actually didnt say much, but only I am sorry I dont have money I cant go. I told my mom and she says she offers to pay his stay and flight ticket and he can contribute for food and entertaintment, he says not it is not nice and I dont go anywhere if I dont have money so he rejected the invitation. The next day I was in his place and out of the blue he brought a small black box I asked what is this? He says is a surprise, so opened it and there is a gun. I asked him, did you buy a gun?? What for?? Do you really need this?? His answers just are yes because I like it and I want to have it here in my apartment. Oh well..he lives in a very safe place so I dont understand that..At the same moment I saw the receipt, he got it from a local pawnshop, first he told me he is going to make payments of $97 monthly I said whatever..Then I discover another receipt with the full amount paid of $497.00.. and the next day I saw him wearing a brand new gold like bracelet and necklace..I asked so that stuff is new also? he says oh yeah do you like it? I said not...I was so sad and disappointment to see how come he said to me he doesnt have money to make the trip but in reality he spent the money buying a stupid gun in cash and gold jewelry. I just dont get it. I am hurt and I feel like the plan that we made 6 months ago to welcome my mom is something that he didnt care at all and did not care about me. I told him last night how hurt I am and him instead of apologize to me which I expected, he said instead You can go wherever you want to go I am not stopped you to do it..I was furious and I left. Anyway I booked a trip to Las Vegas with my mom next week and we are going for one week. I am so hurt that I dont want to tell him when I am leaving so I want to just left and do not answer the phone and let him wandering where we are...I am confusing with his behavior. I put myselg in the same situation and I cant imagine myself doing this to him if his mom comes and there is a trip planned with me...Please any advice to how to handle this situation.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (25 August 2016):
 He's passive aggressive... One minute he says yes, but as soon as the time comes closer he's like Elvis and has left the building.
He's made himself an unreliable person – BF, in that he doesn't honour his word in doing what he said he'll do... This was a plan he knew of 6 months ago and at the last minute when the MIL has arrived in the country, he suddenly cries poor, can’t afford a holiday, and yet buys a gun and gold jewelry for himself.
Basically you have someone who can not communicate on a mature level. As nobody held a gun to his head 6 months ago when these plans were discussed? A mature person would have expressed their thoughts clearly there and then, had they any financial difficulty or reservation in going a mini holiday.
To me a genuine person who’s interested in you would have shown his best side to any visitor related to you. Instead all he’s made is a bad impression, gone back on his word and soured your relationship. Take warning of this as he’ll let you down again when the next set of plans are discussed?
For now you and your Mother must put this behind you and have a wonderful time together in Las Vegas. And remember what happens in Vegas stay’s in Vegas so have a great time :)
Plus it was most gracious of your Mother to offer to pay his way, but an insult had he accepted it as he’s old enough to pay his own way, be a gentleman and know better than to buy nonsense?
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2016): Hi
I'm wondering how old he is. Is he a lot younger than you? I ask because he sounds very immature and you aren't a teenager. I also find it hard to imagine a 40yr old man buying a gun and bling. He sounds immature to me whatever age he is.
Yes,I can understand not wanting to share a holiday with MIL, but it's the way he dealt with this situation that I would have a problem with. He sounds irresponsible as well. I'm glad you're going on holiday without him and I hope you have a good time. I would behave like the adult here and let him know where you're going and for how long, but while you're away ponder on how happy this relationship actually makes you. Not very by the sound of it. It also sounds as if you are both on very different pages as regards what you expect of him and what he wants to give. HIs priority is a gun and bling. Not you. Enjoy Las Vegas x
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 August 2016):
 I don't know why you even invited him, even if he were the best boyfriend. You and your mum will have a much better time without him, that is if you don't squander it all by stewing and complaining about him.
This is 'girl time' so go and have fun, and perhaps you might want to re-evaluate your expectations and investment in this relationship. He might be good enough to go out on a few dates with, see a film, go to dinner or something, but it might be best to think of this as just dating instead of treating him like a life partner.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 August 2016):
 He shouldn't have said yes, to going on the trip and then go blow the money on "junk" just so he doesn't HAVE to go.
I think I would just enjoy the week's vacation and not think about it. You and your mom will probably have more fun without him if THAT is who he is.
Seems like a VERY immature way to handle thing - to go out and spend a lot of money on crap so he has an excuse to not go on vacation with his G and GF's mom.
Honestly? I wouldn't want to go on vaccination with my FIL OR MIL either, but I'd be upfront about it. I wouldn't say sure and then back out.
Enjoy your vacation, let him sit at home and polish his bling...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 August 2016):
 Pardon :I called him husband and I realize that instead he is your Bf of 3 years and you don't even live together. But that only reinfources my opinion. You can't really get mad at him if he is not interested in taking a family trip when it is not even officially a family yet.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 August 2016):
I'd handle it going to Vegas with my mom, and having the best, most fantastic, women -only time of our lives ! Oh come on- it will be a blast. I understand that you are disappointed, and also offended too, ( more about it in a sec ) , but in life we have to see a poison and turn it into medicine, and it won't be that hard if you focus on the positive. More intimacy, more emotional freedom with no men trailing behind you. You can talk to mom for hours and catch up and remember the old times, you can spend hours shopping and at the spa and at the beauty salon... you can be as silly or as serious as you want, as active or as lazy, without having to reckon with the wants and needs of a third wheel. You'll be fine, believe me.
That's not the point, you'll say. The point is that he lied to you. Well... he was passive aggressive, yes. He could not find the way to tell you that he does not see escorting his MIL around USA as his idea of fun and relax, and is not keen to spend money on that. In fact, he does not even want to do it for free, because basically he would be , like, borrowing money, and remaining forever morally in debt- for something that has no appeal whatsoever to him.
So why did he not just come out and say it ?... Because it's difficult !- he imagined you were not going to take it kindly. He tried to disentangle himself more subtly and diplomatically, ( and he failed ).
I can't say I totally blame him, though . You see how upset and offended you are ?... Because you can't make the effort to put himself in his shoes and see things through his eyes. Obviously : she is your mom, you love her, you missed her, you wanted to do something nice for her... and most probabaly you also have great times when you are with YOUR own mom.
You can't even conceive that for another adult it could not be like that. I have no doubt that your mom is an excellent, lovely person and there is not one iota of bad to say about her. In fact, probably your husband would agree too . But : she is your mom, not his. For him she is a stranger, a disruption in his schedule , an older lady for whom he has no particular interest and has nothing in common with- in short, brutally- a drag.
I can see that you do not even conceive how your husband could not jump for joy at the chance of this trip with mom- and he could see it too. Reason for which he delayed as musch as possible the time for the mini- atomic fallout he could see was coming...
Try not to take it so personally - if your husband does not want to take a trip with your mom, it does not mean that he does not love you, or that he hates your mom.
Probabaly he does not have the same sense of family cohesion and family obligation that you have,- and that's not a crime. Some people think : you married me, you married my family and finds it normal and natural- and some people feel " The heck I did ! " and firmly believe their bond and duties are limited just to the spouse.
The " I can't afford it " is an excuse and it's not at the same time . Meaning , it's not literally true, literally speaking he had the money in his bank account- BUT, naturally, he prefers to spend it on his priorities ( ... as objectionable as they may be : A gun ?? Bling-bling parure ??....Who's your husband, a gangsta rapper ? )... Anyway , these are his priorities and, anyway, I don't know a lot of people who would put first on the list of their priorities " setting aside time and money for a trip with MIL ".
You say you would, and kudoos to you, said sincerely and with admiration. But just because you , due to your values or your easygoing personality, can and want to do something, it does not make it mandatory for other people to do just the same as you...
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