A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am angry because my mother spat on me when I was young. She used to hit me a lot and throw objects sometimes. In my early 20's I was happy I didn't think about how bad my mom used to treat me. I was content and believed that we were happy. And then one day I had no job. She started acting weird and that reminded me of our sour past. Now I'm in my early 30's. I'm secretly angry with her so I don't give her money like how I used to because I feel like if it weren't for the money she'd really enjoy hating me. A week ago she let it slip that I was actually a love child not a first born as she'd told me all these years. Could it happen that my mom doesn't have the bond gene that mothers have or she hates me cos I was the love child who's father struggled to support?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2016): Omg I can't believe what I just read. The way your Mother treats you is not your fault no matter how you were conceived.I have a 4 year old and her Father was 20 years older than me and married. I feel pregnant with my daughter and absolutely adore her she's my whole world. Her Father doesn't support us at all.None of that is her fault. Yes she was conceived through MY actions. She didn't ask me and her father to have an affair. She didn't ask to be made. But she's here and all she wants and needs is to be loved and cared for. Is it hard? Yes but I'm the Mother it is my Job to take care of her not the other way round. Sounds like your Mother cant take responsibility for her own actions or herself as you are providing money for her. I wouldn't give her anything she doesn't deserve you, if she treats you like that. As I said regardless of how you were conceived shouldn't impact on her love for you. So don't let ger make you feel guilty for a second. I hope that helps and you have good people around to give you emotional support as your Mother isn't.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 August 2016):
 I don't believe there's such a thing as a child abusing gene. Her life didn't turn out the way it wanted and she has been lashing out at you most of the time. Children are children, and they should all be treated equally no matter who their fathers are. For the mother to bond with the child, first she has to love herself and the environment she is in. If she is not ready, or feel that the birth is a mistake, she will treat the child as an extension of herself. How she treated you was a reflection of how she wanted to create pain to herself, perhaps as a punishment for a mistake of getting involved with a married man. If your mom can only see you as a reminder of this mistake, you have to avoid her.
She lied to you all your life until a week ago. She wanted to rewrite her life story to cover her mistake when she was young. When you lost your job, all painful memories of life struggle came back. She had to have a reason for hating you that much, thus the truth finally came out. It wasn't a slip, it was an awkward admission she tried to make light of.
Never mind secret love children, single mothers who had children after their relationship break ups could not get opportunities to advance in their careers. They carry a social stigma. They had problems entering relationships, especially in places where the attitude is like why be with someone with baggage if you can be with someone without a past. Nonetheless, having children out of wed lock did not stop many single moms from being successful, and getting remarried a second time. Blaming your life on the child does not help matters. It does not goad the child to be more successful or not to repeat your mistake. All it does is break their spirit and have low confidence.
As of now, your mother can only love you if you make her forget her past and be successful. Now you have to decide what to do with the information that you had been lied to all your life. Her mistake in life is not an excuse to abuse you. For your relationship to improve she needs to apologise and acknowledge that you are innocent all along, and that she failed you.
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